Reality Ain't All It's Cracked Up To Be

Every once in a while, while feeding my addiction to the Real Housewives franchise--all, except Orange County, Atlanta and New Jersey because they're pigs--I think to myself, Hmmm, wouldn't a Real Househusbands of Smallville make an interesting show?
Then I realize that, even though I don't have many skeletons in my closet--those records have long been expunged or are permanently sealed by Homeland Security--it might be too much of a Pandora's box kinda thing.
Case in point:
Teresa & Joe Giudice, The Real Housewives Of New Jersey

Teresa is the table flipping white trash ho, and she and her husband Joe are no stranger to legal woes.
Back in 2009, the couple filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy because they were unable to pay the $11 million they owed to various creditors.
Nice, eh?
Since then Joe has been arrested for Driving While Intoxicated [DWI], driving on a suspended license, and fraudulently obtaining a driver's license--he ALLEGEDLY used his brother's name and address to obtain a new license.
Now, one of Joe's former "business" partners, Joe Mastropole, has filed a lawsuit against the Teresa and Joe accusing them of forging his name on mortgage documents in order to pocket $1 million.
Joe Giudice's response:  "Everybody does it."
But not everybody does it, and not everybody is forced by a judge to pay his former business partner $260,000.
Nice couple, the Giudices.
And, just this week, the Giudices—along with Bravo and other members of The Real Housewives of New Jersey cast—were named in a lawsuit over a drunken bar fight that occurred in February, while they were filming on location in the Dominican Republic.

Melissa & Joe Gorga, The Real Housewives Of New Jersey

Lawsuits must run in the family. See, Joe Gorga is Teresa's brother.
Joe and his wife, Melissa, claim that unlike the Giudices, they "pay their bills", but other folks beg to differ.
Joe Gorga has been the subject of 26 lawsuits in New Jersey since 2002,  including a 2008 state tax lien for over $20,000.
Most recently Gorga is being sued by Starlite Window Manufacturing Co. Inc. to the tune of $30,000 for nonpayment of work.
The Gorgas are also being sued for $50,000 by a sprinkler company for work on an apartment complex in Paterson.
Additionally, according to public records, a civil judgement was made against them for over $12,000 to a company called Slaby Engineering Associates.
Three lawsuits a year.

Danielle Staub, former drug mule, former prostitue, former star of the Real Housewives of New Jersey

For the moment Danielle is out of the reality TV biz, although she is ALLEGEDLY filming some sort of show now, probably on Adults Only pay-per-view, but that doesn't mean she is immune to lawsuit-itis.
Her ex-husband Kevin Maher--author of the infamous Cop Without a Badge which detailed Staub's run as a drug delivering pole dancing whore--filed a defamation suit for $5 million after she wrote in her memoir that he "killed her dog, forced her to play Russian Roulette and even raped her."
They deserve each other, no?
And in May, Staub was sued for $375,000 after ALLEGEDLY backing out of a three-year deal with Scores strip club, which required her to appear nude on the company's website. After news of her return to stripping made the rounds on the press, Staub quit her gig with Scores and gave an interview to People saying she was "addicted to love."
And by love she means fame.


Gretchen Rossi & Slade Smiley, The Real Housewives of Orange County

As a couple, they are double the fun and double the legal actions.
Rossi and Smiley are being sued for fraud, breach of contract, deceit, and conspiracy by a former business associate, makeup artist Ronnan Myers. Myers and Rossi both invested $15,000 in Rossi's makeup company Gretchen Christine Beaute, with a verbal contract that they'd split the profits, with Myers claiming that Smiley put the kibosh on any written contracts.
Her half ALLEGEDLY came to zero.
According to court documents, Rossi and Smiley tried to push Myers out of the company. Myers claims that Rossi took funds out of the joint business account without permission, and accused Rossi of having all profits deposited directly into her PayPal account, which Myers had no access to. Myers is seeking $100,000 in damages.
Then Rossi's ex, Jay Photoglou, sued her for slander and libel after she made public statements that he had stalked her, stolen from her, and threatened her. Photoglou says Rossi lied about the extent of their relationship because she wanted to be on the show and to be depicted as loving caretaker to her dying "fiance" Jeff Beitzel. Rossi was recently ordered to pay $40,000 of Photoglou's attorney fees.
Keep "designing" those handbags Gretchen.


Peggy & Micah Tanous, The Real Housewives of Orange County

Peggy is new to the franchise, but shes already knee-deep in legal woes.
Her home is in foreclosure because she and her "business"man hubby owe some $1.3 million on the home with multiple mortgages. So, they are now suing three different banks—BAC Home Loans Servicing, U.S. Bank National and PNC Mortgage—in an effort to save the McMansion.
On top of that, they also have a judgement against them, do to the fact that they owe money to the IRS.
Maybe Peggy should have skipped that last boob job and paid a bill or two.


Alexis & Jim Bellino, The Real Housewives of Orange County

Jim, AKA the "King" of the BellinoShashi Tejpaul, Gail Duncan, and Abdul Hamid Risdana. The suit states that Bellino, who owns the company Private Money Immediately, lent $2.13 million to the plaintiffs. Now, although Tejpaul and Duncan claim they made payments, Bellino obtained a notice of default and election to sell the property.
Plus there are all sorts of rumors about foreclosures and losing homes and all kinds of shiz.
But that's how the OC folks make their money.
And lose their money. 


Kelly Bensimon, The Real Housewives of New York

Kelly's the crazy one. Her best friends are rainbows and gummy bears and she never met a conflict she didn't want to bury at the beach.
Like this one.
Bensimon is being sued by former Elle Accessories colleague Celeste Greenberg for ALLEGEDLY stealing a jewelry design.
The two had verbally agreed to split the profits but Bensimon sold the design--an owl pendant--for $285 under her own jewelry line.
Now, it's sold out.
And Kelly's been sold out as an ALLEGED thief.

Sonja Morgan, The Real Housewives of New York

Ah, Lady Morgan.
The former restaurant hostess turned society gal by virtue of her marriage to an old, old, rich man, is being sued by a production company for backing out of an agreement to finance a film--which was ALLEGED to star John Travolta and Rosario Dawson--back in 2006.
Morgan says she did it because she had just been served with divorce papers, but an NYC court has ordered her to pay the production company $7 million in damages.
Morgan has since filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.
Hopefully the cookbook she's writing, on how to use a toasster oven--seriously--will be a big hit and Sonja crawl out of bankruptcy. 


Bethenny Frankel, formerly of The Real Housewives of New York

She was a Forbes cover girl, when she ALLEGEDLY made the biggest deal of her life for earning a reported $120 million after selling her Skinnygirl cocktail brand to Jim Beam.
Now, Frankel's former management company, Raw Talent, claims Bethenny cut them out of the deal when she fired them just days before inking the deal. And they are suing for suing her for $100 million.
Frankel calls the suit "frivolous."
Must be nice to call $100 million frivolous.
i think she needs a Skinnygirl Margarita.

Cindy Barshop, The Real Housewives of New York

She's the newest housewife, so her list of suits is relatively small, for now.
But Cindy Barshop and her beauty chain Completely Bare spas were hit with a racial discrimination lawsuit after former employee Altovise Collier filed a complaint with the State Division of Human Rights, claiming she was mistreated, verbally abused, and ultimately fired due to the color of her skin.
Barshop denies the charges and insists Collier was fired for "the quality of her work."
Or the quality of her skin?
And I wouldn't doubt an upcoming lawsuit filed by Cindy against her dentist for her veneers that slipped off her canines. That was an episode in itself.

Sheree Whitfield, The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Sheree bragged about getting "seven figures" in her recent divorce though that might have been a misstatement, or an outright lie.
See, two law firms....two.law.firms....who handled her divorce  are suing her because they ALLEGE that she still owes them $180,000 in divorce-related fees.
One of the law firms said Whitfield "ignored and stonewalled any effort to respond to post-judgment discovery about her assets and income," and that she believes she's "above the law."
Soon, she'll be below the poverty level.
By at least seven figures.


Kim Zolciak, The Real Housewives of  Atlanta

She's the enormous boob with enormous boobs who uses those boobs to get men who act as boobs to buy her bigger boobs and baubles.
But, after her single "Tardy for the Party" became an unexpected hit--it reached the Top 10 on the iTunes Dance Chart--Zolciak was forced to temporarily remove the song from iTunes when she was sued by producer Don Vito for nonpayment.
The song has since reappeared on iTunes, leading to speculation that Kim, at least, paid off her debts.
Or that they settled out of court.
Maybe she let the judge cop a feel of her silly cones.


Nene Leakes, The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Nene liked to pretend she was rich.
After the first season of RHoA, it was revealed that Nene rented instead of owned her home and was eventually evicted, owing over $6,000 in back rent.
Her husband Gregg also owed $100,000 in back taxes, and two years ago, the Bank of America filed a lawsuit against the Leakes.
Nene is maybe working extra hard to pay for all those lawsuits and eviction troubles by appearing on every Tv show and reality Tv show imaginable.
She is still, however, a deabeat.


Michaele & Tareq Salahi, The White House Party Crashers of The Real Housewives of D.C.

And here we have the winners of the Reality Show Legal Woes Sweepstakes.
The Salahis are in more legal trouble than any other reality show wannabe and hasbeen.
They've been named in over 20 civil lawsuits, including ones by vendors, former employees, neighbors, at least three couples who held their weddings at their Oasis Winery, and Tareq's own mother.
When the Salahis wed in 2003, at a ceremony that included 1,836 guests, Michaele's dress cost $6,000. After she wore it, Tareq filed federal fraud charges against the bridal shop for attempting to process his credit card. The store eventually was paid, but only after spending $9,000 on legal fees.
In 2007, Michaele was sued for $4,000 by a different stylist for an "urgent" appointment to update her blond hair extensions, for which human hair was ordered and overnighted to the salon. A judge ruled in favor of the stylist, but the money is still unpaid.
Last year, Dr. Navin Singh of Ivy Plastic Surgery in Maryland filed a lawsuit against Michaele for $500 for "unnamed procedures."
Then there's a suit from December 2009, when the Salahis were being sued for nonpayment by their landscaper. The judge on the case ordered Tareq to give the watch off his wrist--ALLEGEDLY worth $325,000--to the plaintiff to cover his debt of $2000.
It turned out that the watch didn't work, and was actually a fake, worth less than $100.

Still wanna be on reality TV?
Make sure your records are expunged or the cases are sealed.
I'll be waiting for my phone call from Andy Cohen!

via Jezebel

In Shock

A guilty pleasure of mine if The Real Housewives of New York.

There. I said it.My name is Bob and I am an avid watcher of RHoNY.

Hi Bob!

I don't go gaga over the OB biatches because all they are is fake boobs, fake tans, fake hair, fake.

I don't go nuts for the gals from Hotlanta because they are just trash.

I don't get verklempt over the broads from Jersey because......well, I'll keep that secret because, let's face it, Caroline could have me taken out. And not to a nice dinner, if you get my meaning.

So, one can imagine my shock when I read that things aren't all rosy for my Big Apple Babes. It seems that not all of the ladies have signed on for the next season. Why the hold out?

Money, babies, money. it costs a lot to look fab and live fab and be fab in the Grand Apple, and the ladies are balking until the armored car rolls up and unloads the dough.

All the women have been asked back, but only newest housewife Kelly Bensimon, of Bethenny Stop! fame, has signed on to appear next season. Seriously, Kelly? She puts the Crazy Whipped Cream on the Big Apple Pie. Why her and not the others?

Well, the other girls want six-figure deals. They made a hair less than 10k an episode last year and are looking for the increase. You know, times are tough fore the rich and famous, the rich and crazy, the rich and bitchy.

Well, I say Pay up, Bravo! You already lost Runway. Don't make my RHoNY gals shop their show around town. Lifetime is a click away!

Real Housewives Cartoon'd

I love me some Real Housewives of New York....and here they are, more animated than ever!

Rumblings Grumblings Rants

More Real Housewives of New York madness. Kelly Killoren Bensimon--the crazy behemoth in a micro-mini one--has lost her latest modeling job. Poor botox-Kelly, boyfriend-beating-Kelly, Bethenny-hater-Kelly, Arthritis-is-cute-Kelly is "no longer modeling for Saks Fifth Avenue. She was the face of the spring catalog but hasn't booked any further gigs with them."

Of course, Saks says this has nothing to do with her arrest for smacking down her boy-toy, but I say, Kelly, honey, karma is a bitch....and so are you.

Now, I say this from a secure location, because that bitch scares me!

______________________________

I never saw X-Men, or X-Men 2....3.....4....however many they've made, but, um, I may have to see Wolverine, starring the going-to-be-nekkid-in-the-movie, Hugh Jackman and his Huge Ackman.

Just sayin'.

_______________________________

I am not one of those people that believes cops are the bad guys, and that you can't trust them, but this whole Ryan Moats story chaps my hide.

Rushing his family to the hospital, 26-year-old NFL running back Ryan Moats rolled through a red light and, after they arrived at the hospital, a Dallas police officer pulled their SUV over outside the emergency room. Moats and his wife explained that her mother was dying inside the hospital. "You really want to go through this right now?" Moats pleaded. "My mother-in-law is dying. Right now!"

Officer Robert Powell, 25, was unmoved. He spent long minutes writing Moats a ticket and threatened him with arrest. "I can screw you over," the officer said. "I'd rather not do that."

His mother in law passed away while the officer forced Moats to remain in his car as he checked for outstanding warrants.

Now, I'm all for law and order, but even i know, if I see someone run a red light and a stop sign or two, while heading into a hospital, that maybe there is some kind of emergency. And then this gung-ho police officer refuses to listen to the Moats, to the nurses who came out and asked that Moats be let go, to a security guard who asked the same question, and even to another Dallas police officer who arrived on the scene.

________________________________

All this hoopla over Michelle Obama touching the Queen irks me, because, if you look at the video, if you read the story, you'll see that it was the Queen who placed her hand on Michelle's back first, and then Michelle put her arm around the Queen,

She didn't put Her Royal Highness in a chokehold people! It was a gesture of kindness.

Build a bridge and get over it.

______________________________

Star Jones was on Oprah this week talking about being fat and being a liar. Remember when Star started dropping the pounds faster than you could say Burger King Double Whopper? And she said she did it through, ahem, Pilate's and portion control...and then a few years later she admitted to gastric bypass, and NO Pilate's or portion control?

Well, on The View the next day the gals were talking about Star, and Barbara was saying she wishes her well, and Elizabeth was saying how good Star looks, and then all eyes turned to Joy, who said:

"I think I'll bypass making any comments!"

Loved it!

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This one may get me killed.

Madonna was denied the right to adopt a little girl from Malawi. And I think it may have been a good decision. Just because someone has buckets of money doesn't make them a good parent. Just because someone is famous doesn't make them Mom Of The Year.

"The decision came down to residency requirement and the fact that the judge believes she was being well taken care of in the orphanage," said Zione Ntaba, a spokeswoman for the Malawi Justice Department. "For the Malawians, the fact that the child is at an orphanage, is being taken care of and is going through the school education system, that does qualify as the best interests of a child."

I am not a fan of Madonna. I know, bad gay man. Bad, Gay. Man. But I have watched her career and it seems to me that Madonna does nothing without publicity, and I don't mean because she's some superstar to some people so she is always in the news, I mean, everything she does is for publicity.

The Sex Book was publicity.

The documentary was publicity.

The English accent was....well, because she's nuts.

The adoption of the David was for publicity.

And I think her attempts at adoption again are for publicity.

_______________________________

Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.

_______________________________

That's all.

Bethenny v Kelly

I was worried about my girl Bethenny on last night's Real Housewives of New York because all week Bravo had advertised a Kelly-Bethenny smackdown, and we all know Kelly, who allegedly beat up her boy-toy a few weeks back, is a wack job.

It all began innocently enough, as all feuds do, two some-odd years ago when Kelly openly flirted with Bethenny's then-boyfriend right. in. front. of. her! No self-respecting woman--or gay man--would put up with that...or forget about it.

So, Bethenny doesn't like Kelly, and neither do I; that bitch scares me! She's got the crazy eye and the jitters and that oddly colored skin which runs the gamut from orange to tangerine to taupe.

Last week, at the Jill Stuart fashion show, Kelly tried to make small talk with Bethenny, which for her isn't hard because she's a small person, in manners and style and essence, not in actual height, because she's like Godzilla in short shorts!

Like I said, bitch scares me.

Bethenny gave curt one-word answers to Kelly's questions. We all know how it is; someone you don't like is asking questions and you give the shortest answer possible all the while looking in the opposite direction.

Later that same episode, Kelly shows up late for Jill's charity meeting. Jill is doing a charity to raise money for arthritis research because her daughter, Ally, suffers from the disease. When told of Ally's ailment, Kelly responded, "How cute!"

Asthma is cute? I guess if you're an amazon in a micro-mini it is.

But I digress. Here are some other Kelly-isms, Kelly-actions, Kelly-dos and Kelly-don'ts:

She told Luann she didn't want her name put on the charity invitation because she's a "private person;" a private person who lets cameras follow her around New York. Um.....okay.

She told Luann she wasn't sure she could help Jill with the cute arthritis charity because she barely has time for her own charities, and when Luann asked what charities she works with, Kelly said she doesn't do charity work. Huh? What? Huh?

She calls herself a journalist, and yet we only saw her "journalizing" once; maybe she meant to say she keeps a journal so she can account for that whole attack on Tokyo and battle with Mothra thing.

But the scariest thing about Kelly was the fight with Bethenny, because Kelly's up here--hand above head--and Bethenny's down there--hand at waist. And the fact that Kelly scheduled the fight with Bethenny then showed up a half-hour late, all wonky-eyed and bed-haired.

But I gotta give it to my girl Bethenny. While Kelly rants and wriggles and fidgets and fumes, Bethenny is still as can be, which only infuriates the monster more. Kelly can no longer stand to be around Bethenny and stomps off, only to lurk in a dark hallway to get in another jab.

We've all sparred with people like Kelly before and the best thing, and the worst thing, you can do is stay still and speak softly and calmly. I once had a run-in with a co-worker, a fiery Latina from Argentina. She ranted and screamed at me; spit flew from her lips and her eyes went wild; she yelled and stomped for five minutes and when she was done, I looked at her, smiled, and quietly said,

Ana, you're insane.

I think she literally exploded.

The old saying "Living well is the best revenge" is so right on.

Bethenny and me....separated at birth!

Television Tidbits

American Idol. Do the judges listen to themselves? Ever?

It was country week.

Lil Rounds did a song called, I think, "Independence Day." I'd never heard of it. But I sorta enjoyed it. Then the judges tell her that she didn't sound like Lil Rounds. She didn't take the country genre and twist it to her own style.

Adam Lambert sang "Ring of Fire." He did it Middle Eastern, baby, and in my mind, Tore. It. Up. Fan-freakin-tastic. Then the judges tell him he was indulgent, turning the song into what it wasn't.

Huh? What? Huh?

Scot McIntyre sang....something. I can't remember because I don't think he's a good singer. And, damn the torpedoes, I think he's only on the show because he's blind. Come at for that one, Donald! Paula, seemingly not as high as usual, told him that he needs to step away from the piano. Uh.....okay?

Matt Giraud sang....something. I can't remember because he's like a Justin Timberlake wannabe, and really, only Justin Timberlake wants to be Justin Timberlake. Anyway, Matt again sat at the piano, played and sang, and Paula didn't say a word about him getting away from the piano.

Morons.

_____________________________

The Real Housewives of New York.

No real catfights this week.

But a couple of interesting points.

Last week's episode featured the Countess giving etiquette lessons to a group of young girls and chastising her own daughter, the Countletess, for eating with her mouth open.

Flash forward to this week and the Countess is in the kitchen eating. With. Her. Mouth. Open.

Do as I say, beyotch.

But the line of the week goes once again to Bethenny. At lunch with the Countess....lunch? Cocktails is more like it. Anyway, the Countess tells Bethenny that Simon and Alex Van Kampen--I hate them--are writing a book on....wait for it......wait...childrearing.

Bethenny nearly upchucks her SkinnyGirl Maragarita (two parts Patron/one part Cointreau/4 limes/on the rocks) and says...

They'd be better off writing a book on how to use an air conditioning vent to sneak into a party!

I love a Bethenny comeback. Although, and my many many many bartender friends can attest to this, her SkinnyGirl Margarita is fairly close to what I call a Bob-a-rita: Two parts Cuervo Gold, one part Grand Marnier, and one part lime juice, chilled, served straight up.

SkinnyGirl?

Bob-a-rita?

Circularity

Last night we watched Milk; great film, great story. It makes me want to re-re-read The Life and Times of Harvey Milk: The Mayor of Castro Street.

But this post is about the circularity of random thought; how I tend to start at one sort of innocuous point and then begin talking only to arrive back at my starting place. Like last night, as we're lying in bed, just about to go to sleep, I say:

Sean Penn was Harvey Milk and Emile Hirsch was Cleve Jones in the movie.

Yeah.

Well, Sean Penn also directed Emile Hirsch in Into The Wild, that movie about the kid that gives away all his money and travels the country and ends up in Alaska, where he dies?

What?

And remember when Cleve was talking to that girl in Milk, and saying he was taking her dancing at The Stud?

Uh....okay.

Well, I've been to The Stud. I didn't realize it was open way back in the 70s.

Oh, so what did you do at The Stud?

Funny story....one time we'd gone wine tasting in Napa, and a group of us decided to go into the city for the evening. Well, we wound up south of market and ate dinner at a little Italian place. Then Maria said we should go to The Stud. We all thought it a good idea except Robbie.

Who's Robbie?

The only straight guy in the crowd. Well, I was the only gay guy, and there was Robbie and Vicki and Diane and Maria--who I told you looks like Ramona from Real Housewives.

Okay?

So, Robbie says, "The Stud" sounds like a gay bar. And Maria and I say, "Oh no, it's not." So we walk down Folsom and we head into The Stud, with Robbie looking a bit more petrified with each step. "Are you sure it isn't gay?" he asked. "No." So we walked into The Stud and the first thing Robbie sees is some hot guy on the bar dancing in his tighty whities! He looked like he was gonna run, so I told him we'd have one drink and if he didn't want to stay then we'd go. He asked me what he should do if a guy asked him to dance or something.

And what did you say?

I said dance if you wanna dance.....and if you wanna do something, well, go ahead.

Uh....huh.....

And then, just down the street from The Stud was a place called The Paradise Lounge. It was a punk club for a while and then turned into a kind of throw-back-to-the-fifties nightclub. When it was punk, it was right after it was a YMCA, and they put a Plexiglas floor over the pool so you could dance over it.

That sounds cool.

It was until the yuppies came in. It went from punk to after work cocktails in about a week. But then as Paradise Lounge, they would have local bands play. One of them was The Fabulous Bud. E. Love Show.

Who's that?

Bud. E. Love was Jerry Lewis's alternate personality in the original The Nutty Professor. And this Bud E. Love at the Paradise had a whole sort of 1950s Vegas lounge act thing that he did. And right it front of the band was a tiny, tiny dance floor. Well, Bud E. was singing and this couple got up to dance and so Bud E. started doing that Sammy Davis Jr thing, that bow-chicky-bow-ka-chow, and he said to the band, "Bring it down fellas." And then he tapped the couiple and said "When Bud E. sings....Nobody dances!" Cracked me up.

Why are you telling me this. I'm tired.

Because like I said, Jerry Lewis played the original Bud E. Love.

So?

Jerry Lewis won an Honorary Oscar the night Sean Penn won for Milk.

So.

Sean Penn, Emile Hirsch. The Stud. Paradise Lounge Jerry Lewis. Sean Penn. Circularity.

Go. To. Sleep!

Real Housewives

Bravo has several of these shows:
The Real Housewives of Atlanta--it's like skank-squared...all they wanna do is try to beat a bitch down.
The Real Housewives of Orange County--which is all about botox and plastic surgery, fake boobs and fake personalities.
The Real Housewives of New York--which is my favorite! Loves it!



I got hooked on it last season, and then played catch-up on all the episodes I missed.

There's Jill, a nice Jewish girl from Long Island, who calls herself by both her names: Hi, I'm Jillzaran. I'm on Team Jill, and also Team Bethenny.



There's Bethenny, who was on Martha's one-shot The Apprentice--she lost. She's the comic center of the group. Holy Inappropriateness Batman.



We have Romona, bug-eyed and will say just about anything. She reminds me of a friend of mine in California who is bug-eyed and will say just about anything. Back to Ramona: on Team Jill we call her Rameana.



The Countess de Lesseps, who is a real countess and seemed quite normal last year, but apparently has brought out the de Lesseps Bitch jewels for season two.



Alex, who is a pompous arrogant insufferable money grubbing social climbing whore with a gay husband who is a pompous arrogant insufferable money grubbing social climbing whore with a bitch for a wife. I don't like them, can you tell?



And this season we have added Kelly to the mix. Kelly is an author and former model, who seems quite nice, but just yesterday she was accused of punching her younger boyfriend in the face. Cougar with her claws out! So we added streetfighter to her resume.


Now, the show. These gals start out in the Hampton's--who doesn't?

There are parties and lunches and shopping and, well, cat-fights, because, let's face it, without the cat-fights this would be on the Travel Channel and who watches that?

The best fight last night was when the Countess was holding a charity event at Hope Lodge in NYC, to benefit cancer patients who use the facility while getting treatments in New York.

But that's not the story.

Rameana was giving dating advice to Bethenny--the token 'Unlucky in love gal' on the show. Her advice was to date....date, not you know, sleep around...many men because when other men see you out on the town with a bunch of different guys they'll come after you like sharks after blood....or like men after a cheap hooker.

The Countess thought this approach all wrong, and the discussion/kitty fight--because it wasn't full on yet--turned to the Countess' husband, The Count, and how Ramona thought he was twice as old as the Countess.

The Countess was indignant: You think the Count is an old man?

Everytime the Countess says Count, I think Chocula.

Ramona: Well, yes.

It was on. The Count is only fifteen years older! How dare you talk about this in front of my daughter, the Countletess or something? You're bug-eyed, Ramona!

The Countess stomps around muttering constantly about Ramona the rude; how embarrassing, how tacky, how pathetic.

So Ramona apologizes. One Hundred Times!!!! Seriously, BugEyes tells the Countess she's sorry, tells the Countletess she's sorry, at one point she actually says, I'm really really really really really really sorry.

And the Countess won't let it die.

Side note: The Countess is writing a book on etiquette because, as we all know, Countesses are the most polite well-mannered people, because they used to be models and then married a man with a title. But it's quite obvious as Ramona grovels, that the Countess has yet to write the chapter on How To Accept An Apology Gracefully.

Now, before the fight, before Ramona showed up, Bethenny, who is a chef so we see her in the kitchen for about two minutes a season to remind us, is helping the Countess set up a buffet at the Hope Lodge. Bethenny is going to be on the cover of Social Life magazine, which is a big deal, because it comes out only in the Hampton's, but hey, it's a cover shot. She tells the Countess how excited she is to be on the cover.

And to her credit the Countess says, at first, That's fantastic.

But then she tosses out, Of course, they'll do some retouching on the picture.

Again, she has yet to right the chapter on inappropriate comments. I imagine they'll be doing a lot of retouching on the Countess book. And by "retouching" I mean, ghostwriter.

But then Bethenny delivers the line of the night:

Next time could you take a beat before you tell me I'm ugly?

I'm lookin' for a Bethenny/Countess smackdown. Maybe Kelly could give lessons.