It's Snarkurday!

Rule # 1: Never piss off the Queen. Not a queen, mind you, but The Queen, as in Elizabeth of England.

It seems that HRH is a little pissy that Princess Kate went to Wimbledon and met up with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, but couldn’t spare a moment to meet with UK veterans. Palace sources confided, and Royal Air Force officials confirmed, that Kate skipped a July 10 lunch in honor of WWII pilots attended by William and other royals, though she managed to squeeze in tennis and chats with Brangelina.

So, Queen Liz ain’t happy, and has, ALLEGEDLY, taken to calling her grandson’s bride and baby mama “Lazy Katie” and “Duchess of Do-Little.”

Duchess of Do-Little?  I.Am.Dying. Who knew the queen threw shade?

A couple of weeks ago we chatted about Tom Selleck stealing water from fire hydrants to use on his avocado farm, and to hydrate that tumbleweed above his upper lip.

Well, the minute that the private investigator returned to the Calleguas Municipal Water District headquarters with proof of the H2O thievery, a lawsuit was filed, and as soon as the lawsuit was filed, Tom Selleck stepped up to pay for the water. And the water district has voted to accept his payment of $21,000 to settle the lawsuit.

So, wait, is Tom Selleck the Wimpy of water thievery? I mean, will he gladly pay you tomorrow for the water he stole today?

So, Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert, country singing darlings and once happily wed sweethearts are divorcing. And it all seemed pretty quiet and private and amicable.

Not so much now. Rumor has it Team Miranda blamed Blake for cheating with another country singer, then Team Blake countered by saying Miranda caused the divorce by refusing to have children. And then they threw down their own cheating rumor, claiming Miranda broke Blake’s heart, and the marriage, by getting busy with country singer Chris Young — who denies it — and perhaps a roadie or two.

So, was she getting’ boned by a singer who wasn’t her husband; or was he boning a singer who wasn’t his wife.

Either way you slice I smell some Country Number One Singles coming up from both Blake and Miranda.

In country music, what doesn’t kill you makes a great country song.

In a Bill Cosby Update:

His lawyers filed papers to block any further release of the deposition where he admitted to buying Quaaludes to give to women so he could rape them, and to stop the ugly release of Cosby’s statements about how he seduces young women while his wife sits at home waiting for him every night for fifty-some-odd years.

The deposition Bill threw up was part of the lawsuit filed against him by Andrea Constand who says he drugged and assaulted her in 2004. The case ended with a settlement, and so now Bill’s lawyers are claiming that since the deposition was released, the settlement agreement was violated and want their money back. But Andrea ain’t lying down for Cosby — not this time — and her own lawyers are trying to get the entire deposition released.

They should be careful not to drink the water at that mediation table lest Cosby drug them and make them sign a waiver saying they want to keep the deposition sealed.

I mean, ain’t that how The Cos rolls?

Are the rumors that Tommy Grrrl Cruise is ready to tie the knot for the fourth time true? And is his new bride really his twenty-two year old Katie Holmes look-alike assistant, Emily Thomas?

Rumor has it that Emily has been “quietly seeing the superstar since late 2014,” and Tom is reportedly “smitten” with her — and by that, he means he can control her. And this comes at the right time because Cruise has a new Mission Impossible knock-off to promote and what better way than to get married … I mean, it worked with Katie Holmes?

So, prepare for a Xenu wedding, followed by a Xenu baby, and then a quick escape by Wife #4.

Uh oh. Trouble in paradise … or at least a Kardastrophe version of reality TV paradise?

Apparently Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe is furious with her current husband — not to be confused with her last or next husbands — Kanye Kardastrophe after she found him looking at nude photos of his ex-girlfriend Amber Rose on his computer.

No word if he was spanking Tiny Kanye while he studied the photo set.

So, I digs me some Taye Diggs — hat/tip to TV’s Jack McFarland for the line — and am especially excited that he is taking over the lead role in Broadway’s Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

But there’s a line in the show that some are wondering if it will stay in; see, while Taye as Hedwig sings a song with his co-star, he also sings the line:

“Idina sang it better.”

Idina would be Taye’s ex-wife, Broadway diva and former Wicked star, Idina Menzel. So people were shocked that he left the line in and sang it as written in rehearsal.

But they were equally stunned when, after singing the line, he ad-libbed a reference to Mendel’s hit tune from the movie “Frozen” when he looked at the rehearsal crowd and sang:

“Let it go.”

Too funny, and it would be fun if he kept it in the show … as long as Idina’s cool with it, you know.

It's Snarkurday!

Kim Kardastrophe gave an interview to Rolling Stone, not because she’s a musician, but probably because Rolling Stone was trying to back their junk upon Kanye. I mean, why else would the Kash Kow grace the cover? And why would she use the interview to bash her brother, Rob?

She began talking, again, about his weight issues, and places the blame on his love for weed and video games, but, and this, like Kim’s, is a big but, she wants y’all to know that Rob doesn’t do meth because, wait for it, then “he’d be skinny.”

It’s no wonder that last year Rob posted that picture of the Amy Dunne sociopath character in Gone Girl and compared it to Kim; and it’s no wonder that now Rob has blocked Kim from his phone. Next up, how to block the Kash Kow from his life.

I don’t get Vince Vaughn’s career. I mean, it started out good with Swingers but then dissolved into sidekick’s to Jennifer Aniston in rom-coms and second-rate Adam Sandler films that even Sandler wouldn’t do. So, it’s no surprise that rumor has it that Vaughn’s turn on True Detective could be his last shot at any kind legitimate Hollywood career and if he messes this up, well, The Internship Two, anyone?

And it doesn’t help that he has the reputation for being a douche, and feuding with co-stars, like Taylor Kitsch, though Kitsch denied it, while Vince never did. And now, ALLEGEDLY, Vince was a dickwad to a disabled fan who approached him at a Chicago Blackhawks game.

A witness — and it could be Lohan because she’s turning down jobs left and right … more to follow on that — says:

“Vince could see that the boy needed a walker and that it was a struggle just to get through the stands. But when he asked for a photo, Vince said ‘Not now, I’m concentrating on warm-ups.’”

The game had not even started and he couldn’t be bothered, so, yeah, he’s a douche, and if we’re lucky he’ll never be seen or heard from again.

So, Paris Hilton is a big fat liar. Yeah, I know … big news!??!

It seems the blond has-been threatened to sue the Egyptian production company of a show that pranked Paris by making her believe she was on a plane that was about to crash. Yeah, reality TV has sunk to a new low when the funny is making people think they’re going to die, but it gets worse because this is Paris and she’s a big fat liar.

See, Paris freaked out in the video, screaming and crying and whining, and claiming she knew nothing about the prank, except now comes word that she was in on it.

A document released by that Egyptian company showed they would pay big bucks to any American celebrity — and apparently, to them, Paris applies — who agrees to playact fear in a fake plane crash video:

“We will act as if something is going wrong and ask all passengers to jump off the plane!!! Of course everyone will panic, we’ll be having skydivers in disguise with us on board [and] we will monitor the funny reactions from our celebrity guest when they fear jumping off the plane.”

Most celebrities said No, but Paris jumped at the chance to appear in a video — I mean, she jumped at the chance to appear in a porn video to launch her “career” so why is this a shock?

When asked about it now, Paris who first denied knowing it was a prank, and threatened to sue the producers, now says she knew it was a joke but that the show took it too far.

Still, she cashed the million dollar paycheck. Hmmm, I guess she is still whoring herself out on video.

And now Lindsay Lohan … still outta work; still living in London, and apparently bouncing from one friend’s couch to another because she has no job and no prospects.

Well, she had a prospect: Burger King. And yet she turned down the chance to promote their new Chicken Fries, although maybe it was because she was supposed to wear a Spicy Chicken Fries box, smoke a chicken fry like a cigarette, and vamp a “spicy” monologue.

A BK insider says: “We were gob-smacked. It was making fun of her issues.”

But Lohan and her managers had other ideas, and, well, there was also the fact that Lindsay Lohan thinks she’s a movie star and began acting all demanding and shiz until BK reps told her to get lost.

Perhaps she’s waiting for Zaxby’s to call when they’re ready to roll out their Firecrotch burger?

And cue the new film Xenu and the Attack of the Thetans … cuz rumor has it that Tommy Grrl Cruise is ready to quit Scientology. And, if the rumors are true — and aren’t they always — Tommy’s bailing on the cult because of Suri.

See, he hasn’t seen his daughter with Katie “I Scaled A Fence To Get Away From Crazy” Holmes in many, many months because … ALLEGEDLY … the “Church” isn’t happy that Suri isn’t being raised by a bunch of LRon-aliens and so they have forbidden Tommy from seeing her. Now he wants out, and in a case of too bad, so sad for the cult, he’s taking his wallet and his special brand of crazy that the Scientologist’s just love, with him.

Or, maybe he’s just pretending to leave the church so Katie will let him trot out Suri on his worldwide Mission Impossible 64: It’s The Same Movie With A New Number premiere tour so that he looks like a normal dad and not some cult-loving loon?

Yeah, that’s what I think, too.

Will The View never learn? I mean, every single time the rumor mill buzzes that someone is leaving the show — and there have been 783 hosts since the show began — producers release a statement saying everyone is happy there and no one is going anywhere until … cut to a few scant weeks later and the rumor becomes fact.

This time it’s Rosie Perez, who was the subject of Leaving The View Rumors just a couple of months ago with producers saying it wasn’t so, only to now be forced to announce that… Perez is leaving The View.

Executive producer Bill Wolff says Perez has decided to focus on acting, which makes no sense because she did a film and a Broadway play while on the show—and she co-starred in one of my all-time favorite films, Fearless, so I prefer my Perez acting and not chatting on that Should-Have-Been-Cancelled-Long-Ago show.

And when will producers learn that these rumors are always proven to be true? I mean, the only real surprise departure was when Starr Jones waddled away from the table a few months ahead of her planned firing.

Oh Paula. Didn’t I ask you to go away a while ago after rumors of your rampant racism were proven to be true? Didn’t I ask you to shutter your Butter Palace and never be heard from again because, as a racist, you cannot help yourself? You should’a listened to me, Paula.

Last week Deen — or someone she calls her social media manager, AKA the unemployed actor who works on his laptop in the Starbucks on the corner of Racist and Bigot — Tweeted a picture of Dean dressed as Lucy Ricardo, along with her son dressed as Ricky and sporting Brownface because, well, Cubans are brown, In Paula Deen’s world. The picture was an old one, no doubt, said to be from an episode of her long dead Food Network show, but still …

We all know that Blackface is reprehensible, and that painting one’s skin yellow to portray an Asian is downright stupid, so why did Deen find it necessary to Shoe Polish her son’s melon so he could be Ricky?

And let’s not even discuss the creepiness of a Mother-and-Son dressing up as Husband-and-Wife because, well, who knows what goes on in Paula’s ButterBallroom.

Sidenote: Paula says she has fired her “social media manager” which means someone needs to pay for their own Mochachinos from now on.

So, the Calleguas Municipal Water District in Southern California is suing actor Tom Selleck for ALLEGEDLY stealing … water. Well, there is a severe drought in California, so I guess water thievery is the newest crime wave.

Selleck and his wife, Jillie Mack, are accused of stealing thousands of gallons of water from a fire hydrant near a construction site in Thousand Oaks, then using water trucks to transport the water to his 60-acre ranch and avocado farm.

The water district claims that a commercial truck sucked water out of a fire hydrant and drove it to Tom’s farm some 12 times over 18 months. The water district wanted Tom to stop stealing water, so they sent cease-and-desist letters to both of his homes in Southern California, but he kept doing it.

So, the water district paid a private investigator $21,685.55 to track and document Tom’s water-looting and now demand that Selleck pay them back and pay their attorney fees and give back all that water and shave off that ridiculous looking mustache.

Selleck, for his part, is staying dry-mouthed and quiet.

Good things come in small packages, and ill-behaving, self-indulgent asshatted divas come in the smallest package of all: Ariana Grande.

It seems — according to surveillance video — that Grande terrorized Woolfee Donuts in Lake Elsinore, California along with her boyfriend/babysitter Ricky Alvarez, when they entered the store and began licking … yes, licking … donuts on the counter for which they did not, and would not, purchase. Then when one of the workers at the donut show brings out a new tray of goods, Ariana doesn’t lick them, instead she looks at the worker and says, and I quote:

“What the fuck is that? I hate Americans. I hate America.”

 Naturally her handlers, and that little diva needs a truckload of handlers, tried to walk back her disgusting behavior by saying she supports marriage equality … huh?

“She’s a proud American. Especially in light of all the recent progress for equality in our country.”

Then the bobble-headed, soon-to-be-over little brat issued her own non-apology:

“I am EXTREMELY proud to be an American and I’ve always made it clear that I love my county [sic]. What I said in a private moment with my friend, who was buying the donuts, was taken out of context and I am sorry for not using more discretion with my choice of words.

As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole. The fact that the United States has the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me.

We need to do more to educate ourselves and our children about the dangers of overeating and the poison that we put into our bodies. We need to demand more from our food industry. However I should of [sic] known better in how I expressed myself; and with my new responsibility to others as a public figure I will strive to be better.”

First off, get thee back to school and learn how to spell and how to form a sentence.

Then shut up, because no one believe you behaved like an out-of-control bitch because you’re worried about childhood obesity. You care about one thing and one thing only: your reputation and career.

Somewhere, on a yacht in the Mediterranean, Mimi is howling with laughter.

I Ain't One To Gossip But.........

While the rumors swirl that Whitney Houston has lost her voice, and lost the ability to sustain a single note in the same key for longer than it takes to make a drug deal, one thing she hasn't lost is her appetite.

Perhaps she's feeding her lack of voice with an overabundance of chocolate.

That paragon of truthfulness--Hey! They broke the John Edwards story--the National Enquirer is saying that Whit has ballooned to 175 pounds on her "Nothing But Pork Chops, I mean, Love" tour. Now, sources close to Houston--and by sources, I mean the people that carry the pork chops say the weight gain is due to steroid injections or prednisone treatments for her ALLEGED respiratory infection.
Others say she is going nuts on the room service menu, thinking it's all you can eat.

From the Been-There-Seen-That aisle, with a quick stop at the Has-Been Barrel:

Everything old--and by old I mean stupid...and by stupid I mean mindless 1980s crap movies--is new again.

Tom Selleck has confirmed that there will actually be a 3rd film in the 3 Men and a Baby franchise:
"It is true that Disney checked my availability. And I know they checked Ted's and Steve's and then had a script written, I think tentatively called '3 Men and a Bride' which kind of says it all about the story."

Three Men And A Bride? A tale of polygamy? Huh? What? Huh?
But, oddly enough, even Tom Selleck admits that the first movie was the best, and the second was, well, I'll say it for him, a crapfest, but he's sure the third will be just like the first.

Inane comedy about three juvenile acting men who can't get their own lives together and visit their immaturity on everyone else.

Yeah. I won't be there. Either.

Sonja Morgan, the newest edition to the gaggle of crazies on The Real Housewives of NYC--and I say that with love--was arrested earlier this week after roaring through a stop sign at Two AM in Southampton.

She refused to take the Breathalyzer unless she got a chance to rinse with Tanqueray first, so they dropped her in a cell.

Oh, these housewives. Arrests for being drunk. Arrests for beating up your old boyfriend. Insanity. They have it all.

Still, in Sonja's defense, rumor has it that just as she approached the stop sign, Countless Luann DeLessep's, um, song[?] came on the radio and Sonja hurled her Bentley threw the intersection in hopes of killing herself before the second verse.

I know how she feels. I heard the song on the show last week and suddenly I found myself with my head in the microwave and a finger on defrost.

Just sayin'.

Fran Drescher has outed her ex-husband.
Drescher and her ex, Peter Marc Jacobson, worked hand-in-hand back in 2008 to block Prop H8 in California, and now she's telling us why he was so passionate about it.

The man she was married to for 20 years is a sequin-wearing-Liza-Loving-Fire-Island-going-disco-dancing homo!

Fran Drescher: “Peter and I met when we were 15. We were just kids and didn’t know who we truly were. We went through a lot together...[We are] the best of friends [and] we love each other dearly."
And, of course, they are now taking their oddly dysfunctional marriage to a place where it belongs.

On. TV.

In.A.Sitcom.

Interesting.

I always like it when a famous person, known mostly for their addictions to drugs and, well, or, alcohol--yeah, Lindsay, we're looking at you--cleans up their act.

They start to look like a washed and dried version of their former self.

Unless you're Courtney Love.

Then you begin to look like a nipped-tucked-dermabrasioned-botox'd-lipo'd-chemically-peeled version of your former self.

Yes.

That is Courtney Love.

Before and after.

And speaking of Lindsay--and around here we always speak Lindsanity--she has found a new way to get her legal highs.

Now that she's being all alcohol-braceleted and drug tested, I mean.

Lindsay goes to the dentist.

And she gets teeth pulled.

And she gets all the drugs she needs.

Legally.

Hmmm......Let's see. The average person has 32 teeth, counting the wisdom teeth, so Lindsay probably has another thirty or so scheduled dental appointments before she switches to elective surgeries to get her fix.

At this rate, we won't soon be able to tell the difference between Lohan and Love.

Scary.

We haven't had any Charlie Sheen news for a while, so here goes:

He's going to jail.

At least that's the rumor.

Sources--and by sources i mean courthouse janitors--say that this Monday Charlie will plead guilty to assault and spend the next thirty years in.....

What?

Days? Thirty days?

Damn.

Charlie will spend thirty days in jail for threatening his wife with a knife on Christmas morning...which is a holiday ritual in most drug-and-alcohol-addicted Hollywood homes, or so I'm told.

But, his wife, the attackee, Brooke Mueller, won't be accompanying him on his last day of freedom.

Wow. The man attacks you, threatens you with a knife, and you won't go to court with him as he pleads guilty and heads to the big house? What kind of example is she setting for the Tinseltown set?

As if they weren't gay enough.

This year the Tony Awards are going gayer than ever.

Newly out, and Tony-nominated, Sean Hayes, will be the host of the Gayest Show On Earth.

And now comes news that Glee stars, and Broadways veterans, Lea Michele and Matthew Morrison, are set to perform.

I'd listen to Lea sing anything.

And, well, while she sings, if Matthew could just stand there, looking sexy, and shaking his hot ass like he did on last week's episode, well.......

Heaven.