It's Snarkurday!

Kim Kardastrophe gave an interview to Rolling Stone, not because she’s a musician, but probably because Rolling Stone was trying to back their junk upon Kanye. I mean, why else would the Kash Kow grace the cover? And why would she use the interview to bash her brother, Rob?

She began talking, again, about his weight issues, and places the blame on his love for weed and video games, but, and this, like Kim’s, is a big but, she wants y’all to know that Rob doesn’t do meth because, wait for it, then “he’d be skinny.”

It’s no wonder that last year Rob posted that picture of the Amy Dunne sociopath character in Gone Girl and compared it to Kim; and it’s no wonder that now Rob has blocked Kim from his phone. Next up, how to block the Kash Kow from his life.

I don’t get Vince Vaughn’s career. I mean, it started out good with Swingers but then dissolved into sidekick’s to Jennifer Aniston in rom-coms and second-rate Adam Sandler films that even Sandler wouldn’t do. So, it’s no surprise that rumor has it that Vaughn’s turn on True Detective could be his last shot at any kind legitimate Hollywood career and if he messes this up, well, The Internship Two, anyone?

And it doesn’t help that he has the reputation for being a douche, and feuding with co-stars, like Taylor Kitsch, though Kitsch denied it, while Vince never did. And now, ALLEGEDLY, Vince was a dickwad to a disabled fan who approached him at a Chicago Blackhawks game.

A witness — and it could be Lohan because she’s turning down jobs left and right … more to follow on that — says:

“Vince could see that the boy needed a walker and that it was a struggle just to get through the stands. But when he asked for a photo, Vince said ‘Not now, I’m concentrating on warm-ups.’”

The game had not even started and he couldn’t be bothered, so, yeah, he’s a douche, and if we’re lucky he’ll never be seen or heard from again.

So, Paris Hilton is a big fat liar. Yeah, I know … big news!??!

It seems the blond has-been threatened to sue the Egyptian production company of a show that pranked Paris by making her believe she was on a plane that was about to crash. Yeah, reality TV has sunk to a new low when the funny is making people think they’re going to die, but it gets worse because this is Paris and she’s a big fat liar.

See, Paris freaked out in the video, screaming and crying and whining, and claiming she knew nothing about the prank, except now comes word that she was in on it.

A document released by that Egyptian company showed they would pay big bucks to any American celebrity — and apparently, to them, Paris applies — who agrees to playact fear in a fake plane crash video:

“We will act as if something is going wrong and ask all passengers to jump off the plane!!! Of course everyone will panic, we’ll be having skydivers in disguise with us on board [and] we will monitor the funny reactions from our celebrity guest when they fear jumping off the plane.”

Most celebrities said No, but Paris jumped at the chance to appear in a video — I mean, she jumped at the chance to appear in a porn video to launch her “career” so why is this a shock?

When asked about it now, Paris who first denied knowing it was a prank, and threatened to sue the producers, now says she knew it was a joke but that the show took it too far.

Still, she cashed the million dollar paycheck. Hmmm, I guess she is still whoring herself out on video.

And now Lindsay Lohan … still outta work; still living in London, and apparently bouncing from one friend’s couch to another because she has no job and no prospects.

Well, she had a prospect: Burger King. And yet she turned down the chance to promote their new Chicken Fries, although maybe it was because she was supposed to wear a Spicy Chicken Fries box, smoke a chicken fry like a cigarette, and vamp a “spicy” monologue.

A BK insider says: “We were gob-smacked. It was making fun of her issues.”

But Lohan and her managers had other ideas, and, well, there was also the fact that Lindsay Lohan thinks she’s a movie star and began acting all demanding and shiz until BK reps told her to get lost.

Perhaps she’s waiting for Zaxby’s to call when they’re ready to roll out their Firecrotch burger?

And cue the new film Xenu and the Attack of the Thetans … cuz rumor has it that Tommy Grrl Cruise is ready to quit Scientology. And, if the rumors are true — and aren’t they always — Tommy’s bailing on the cult because of Suri.

See, he hasn’t seen his daughter with Katie “I Scaled A Fence To Get Away From Crazy” Holmes in many, many months because … ALLEGEDLY … the “Church” isn’t happy that Suri isn’t being raised by a bunch of LRon-aliens and so they have forbidden Tommy from seeing her. Now he wants out, and in a case of too bad, so sad for the cult, he’s taking his wallet and his special brand of crazy that the Scientologist’s just love, with him.

Or, maybe he’s just pretending to leave the church so Katie will let him trot out Suri on his worldwide Mission Impossible 64: It’s The Same Movie With A New Number premiere tour so that he looks like a normal dad and not some cult-loving loon?

Yeah, that’s what I think, too.

Will The View never learn? I mean, every single time the rumor mill buzzes that someone is leaving the show — and there have been 783 hosts since the show began — producers release a statement saying everyone is happy there and no one is going anywhere until … cut to a few scant weeks later and the rumor becomes fact.

This time it’s Rosie Perez, who was the subject of Leaving The View Rumors just a couple of months ago with producers saying it wasn’t so, only to now be forced to announce that… Perez is leaving The View.

Executive producer Bill Wolff says Perez has decided to focus on acting, which makes no sense because she did a film and a Broadway play while on the show—and she co-starred in one of my all-time favorite films, Fearless, so I prefer my Perez acting and not chatting on that Should-Have-Been-Cancelled-Long-Ago show.

And when will producers learn that these rumors are always proven to be true? I mean, the only real surprise departure was when Starr Jones waddled away from the table a few months ahead of her planned firing.

Oh Paula. Didn’t I ask you to go away a while ago after rumors of your rampant racism were proven to be true? Didn’t I ask you to shutter your Butter Palace and never be heard from again because, as a racist, you cannot help yourself? You should’a listened to me, Paula.

Last week Deen — or someone she calls her social media manager, AKA the unemployed actor who works on his laptop in the Starbucks on the corner of Racist and Bigot — Tweeted a picture of Dean dressed as Lucy Ricardo, along with her son dressed as Ricky and sporting Brownface because, well, Cubans are brown, In Paula Deen’s world. The picture was an old one, no doubt, said to be from an episode of her long dead Food Network show, but still …

We all know that Blackface is reprehensible, and that painting one’s skin yellow to portray an Asian is downright stupid, so why did Deen find it necessary to Shoe Polish her son’s melon so he could be Ricky?

And let’s not even discuss the creepiness of a Mother-and-Son dressing up as Husband-and-Wife because, well, who knows what goes on in Paula’s ButterBallroom.

Sidenote: Paula says she has fired her “social media manager” which means someone needs to pay for their own Mochachinos from now on.

So, the Calleguas Municipal Water District in Southern California is suing actor Tom Selleck for ALLEGEDLY stealing … water. Well, there is a severe drought in California, so I guess water thievery is the newest crime wave.

Selleck and his wife, Jillie Mack, are accused of stealing thousands of gallons of water from a fire hydrant near a construction site in Thousand Oaks, then using water trucks to transport the water to his 60-acre ranch and avocado farm.

The water district claims that a commercial truck sucked water out of a fire hydrant and drove it to Tom’s farm some 12 times over 18 months. The water district wanted Tom to stop stealing water, so they sent cease-and-desist letters to both of his homes in Southern California, but he kept doing it.

So, the water district paid a private investigator $21,685.55 to track and document Tom’s water-looting and now demand that Selleck pay them back and pay their attorney fees and give back all that water and shave off that ridiculous looking mustache.

Selleck, for his part, is staying dry-mouthed and quiet.

Good things come in small packages, and ill-behaving, self-indulgent asshatted divas come in the smallest package of all: Ariana Grande.

It seems — according to surveillance video — that Grande terrorized Woolfee Donuts in Lake Elsinore, California along with her boyfriend/babysitter Ricky Alvarez, when they entered the store and began licking … yes, licking … donuts on the counter for which they did not, and would not, purchase. Then when one of the workers at the donut show brings out a new tray of goods, Ariana doesn’t lick them, instead she looks at the worker and says, and I quote:

“What the fuck is that? I hate Americans. I hate America.”

 Naturally her handlers, and that little diva needs a truckload of handlers, tried to walk back her disgusting behavior by saying she supports marriage equality … huh?

“She’s a proud American. Especially in light of all the recent progress for equality in our country.”

Then the bobble-headed, soon-to-be-over little brat issued her own non-apology:

“I am EXTREMELY proud to be an American and I’ve always made it clear that I love my county [sic]. What I said in a private moment with my friend, who was buying the donuts, was taken out of context and I am sorry for not using more discretion with my choice of words.

As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole. The fact that the United States has the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me.

We need to do more to educate ourselves and our children about the dangers of overeating and the poison that we put into our bodies. We need to demand more from our food industry. However I should of [sic] known better in how I expressed myself; and with my new responsibility to others as a public figure I will strive to be better.”

First off, get thee back to school and learn how to spell and how to form a sentence.

Then shut up, because no one believe you behaved like an out-of-control bitch because you’re worried about childhood obesity. You care about one thing and one thing only: your reputation and career.

Somewhere, on a yacht in the Mediterranean, Mimi is howling with laughter.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Paris Hilton is still around, and apparently still buying tiny animals. See, back in September she paid some $13,000 for a Pomeranian puppy that will never weigh more than 2 pounds that she named Prince Hilton the Pom.

But he’s now at full-weight, so Paris needed a new tiny animal to carry around, not like a living thing, but like an accessory … a ring … a coke spoon … something, so she purchased two more dogs — one for her and one for her mom — for $25,000, and named her dog, Princess Paris Jr.

Ritzy name for a tiny dog that will probably be used as some kind of drug mule.

Note to Paris: I bet you could buy a nice dog for, oh say, $500 and then give $24,500 to charity? That thought ever cross your min — oh, never mind.

After The Sony Hack revealed the ugly truth about unequal pay for women in Hollywood, Charlize Theron decided enough was enough, and is insisting that she be paid the same as Chris Hemsworth in their upcoming movie, “The Huntsman” the sequel to Snow White and The Huntsman—which, I guess means Kristen Stewart, who played … and this makes me giggle … Snow White, won’t be back … halleloo!

Back to Charlize, who demanded the same ten million as Chris, saying she has a great track record. Um, okay, did anyone mention Aeon Flux or A Million Ways to Die in the West or Prometheus or Young Adult or Brandon Flowers: Crossfire or Astro Boy or The Road or The Burning Plain or Hancock or Sleepwalking or Battle in Seattle or North Country or Head in the Clouds or The Life and Death of Peter Sellers?

Great track record? Charlize, honey, who are you kidding. I’d pay ten million to see Chris Hemsworth walk across my living room in a fig leaf, but I wouldn’t pay ten bucks to see you ‘act.’

Just sayin’.

Oh goodness, that Kim Kardastrophe never fails to make everything about her.

Last week she and the Mad Man were finally together for a weekend in the Big Apple and celebrated John Legend’s birthday with him.

This picture is how Kim wished her friend a happy birthday: by placing her augmented boobs front and center and shoving the birthday boy to one side where he was almost cropped out.

Big ass, Big Head.

Swifty was at the Globes this week because, well, there are men there and she needs a new boyfriend and some material for new songs, so she wriggled into a gown and off she went.

And she hit the after-parties with new BFF Lorde. But one person she wasn’t counting on seeing … right, Taylor … was Golden Globe nominee and her ex-boyfriend, he of the classic Swifty tune, You’re No Jake, You’re A Rake Who Breaks My Heart, Jake Gyllenhaal.

And Swifty apparently had a meltdown because Jake was in the same room, and was dancing with Rita Ora and then with actress … I dunno who she is … Malin Akerman, then his sister, and then his co-star in Constellations on Broadway, Ruth Wilson.

This apparently sent Swifty into a spiral and an eyewitness — perhaps Lohan, drunk under a bar or something — said, “I saw her grab her friend’s hand and repeat, ‘We have to go. We have to go.’”

The source says Swifty scurried off to the bathroom, where she ran into BFFs Cara Delevingne, Dakota Johnson, and … oopsy … Rita Ora:

“The four girls were together and Taylor was having a mini meltdown. Cara’s arm was around Taylor, calming her down as Rita looked on. They were talking extremely closely.”

She left the bathroom and wandered around the lobby for a hot minute — her makeup smudged — before she and Cara sat on a bench out front.

Oh Swifty? Didn’t you date Jake about ten years ago? I mean, he might have seen you and wondered who you were and why they let an underage girl into the party.

But at least you’ll have something to write in your diary, and a new song to pop out like a bad case of diarrhea.

So, Kirstie Alley is thin again, y’all and has been making the rounds to promote Jenny Craig … again. She went on Howard Stern’s show and talked Jenny … and a lot of stuff jenny may not have wanted her to talk about.

:::cough Scientology ::: cough ::: Leah Remini :::: cough :::

She declared that she is now something called an OT Level VII Scientologist which means no one audits Kirstie, Kirstie audits herself; and also meaning she’s nearly as high-up as Top Tiny Scientologist Tom Cruise, who is at Level VIII. I think Level VII is the Certifiably Insane Level. ALLEGEDLY.

Kirstie also threw shade at old pal, and former Scientologist, Leah Remini. Remini famously left the COS in 2013 after filing a missing persons report for COS head honcho David Miscavige’s wife, Shelley. The report went nowhere because Miscavige was able to halt the investigation by the LAPD and Kirstie went after Leah, though she’s always denied that allegation:

“She left the religion and she was very critical. That’s just sort of water under the bridge. There’s nothing going on and there was nothing going on for years. I didn’t shun her, but if a lot of people are rejecting you, at some point you gotta ask, ‘What am I doing?’ I mean, that’s what I would have asked myself.”

She didn’t shun Leah but a lot of people did? Uh huh. And if a lot of people shun you does that mean you needed to be shunned, or does it mean that a cult wants to distance itself from a member who broke away.

I’d wait for Kristie’s response, but she’s having a sammich and one does not disturb Kirstie when she’s with a sammich.

So, does JLo have a new much younger boyfriend, or is she just dating her The Boy Next Door co-star Ryan Guzman until the movie comes out and bombs and then she’ll dump him?

I mean, she did bring him as her Plus One to the Globes and the two posed together on the carpet, and she introduced him to everybody. And he’d be perfect for her because he’s twenty-seven to her forty-five, so he’s still in Son of JLo age range.

But, is it just me or is something pinging about Guzman? I mean, JLo allegedly has a habit of going for The Gays.

Right, Casper?

Did y’all see Justin Bieber’s Calvin Klein ads where he’s trying to Marky Mark his way into our hearts?

Not working because, even though Marky Mark was kind of a dangerous, criminal type, Justin is more of an egg-tossing, drag-racing wannabe, so, yeah, there’s that.

There is also the fact that the ads were photoshopped to bulk up Bieber’s pecs and crotch, and even though the photos are out there, The Biebs and his team are in suing mode ore anyone who says the ad isn’t all Bieber.

In fact, Team Bieber sent a cease and desist letter to the website that first posted the ALLEGED un-retouched Calvin Klein photo, asking to have the photo removed. His people say the photo isn’t real and, darn it, the picture made Justin cry so y’all just stop it. Now.

On a sicker note, Team Bieber even had Bieber’s personal trainer, Patrick Nilsson, give a statement on how big the Bieber junk is:

“I can definitely confirm that he is a well-endowed guy.”

Wait. A guy is talking Bieber junk? Couldn’t they get a stripper to confirm it? Or Selena Gomez?

Just sayin’.

More trouble over there at The View and this time it isn’t about Whoopi and Rosie O trying to wrestle control over the show from the other.

This time word on the street is that Rosie Perez will soon be out. Or that she’s already gone because she was just sick of that whole toxic environment.

Perez hasn’t been on The View all month because she’s ALLEGEDLY been busy rehearsing the Broadway play Fish in the Dark; Rosie O has been saying that Perez will be out for the rest of the month but will be back next month, though sources — and it could be Lohan angling for a TV gig — say that isn’t going to happen. That source says Rosie P “never got a hang of the show’s mixture of hard and soft news” and she has trouble reading the TelePrompTer … ouch … though a spokeswhore for ABC — and that could be Barbara Walters — says:

 “Rosie Perez is currently in rehearsal for her Broadway play for the month of January. Her status with the show has not changed.”

There is also a rumor that ABC is gonna kill The View to add another hour to the far more popular, and less drama-filled, Good Morning America.

That I can see.

Let’s finish with more Biebs … During his vacation in Turks and Caicos, Justin Bieber ran into Rolling Stone Keith Richards. Justin, who figures himself rock royalty, wandered over to Keith’s table for a drink when, according to a source — possibly Selena Gomez hiding under the table to measure Justin’s, er, inseam, for a tabloid — says:

 “Justin tried to bro down with him.”

To which Richards ALLEGEDLY — though I believe it — said:

“Let’s get one thing straight. You’re a wannabe.”

Better than another group this week, a conservative political group that mistook Justin Bieber for Miley Cyrus.

That’s seriously happened.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Jennifer Love Hewitt is one of the most annoying people on the planet, and not just because she asks people to call her Love, though that’s a big part of it.

She’s annoying because she has no discernible talent, other than having ginormous breasts as a teenager on some hit TV show.

She’s annoying because she’s man-crazy, or at least she was until she got knocked up by a random dude she married.

But we’ll go back to before Knocked-Up-Married, to when she was just a stalker who sent Matt Damon a bed.

Yes, she did. And she tells the story like this:

“I was reading an article, and he said this really sad thing about how all his dreams were coming true but he didn’t feel that he had a bed of his own, he was always traveling. I remember being really busy also and thinking, that’s so sad, to have all your dreams come true but not have a solid foundation. So for some reason, I thought an aerobed would help that for him. In my head, I thought, He can travel with it, then it’s always his safe place. I didn’t go over it with anyone, I should’ve been like, “Hey, should I send this to Matt Damon?” and they would’ve been like, “No, you’re crazy, don’t do it!” But I didn’t, so I got the information he was in Paris, filming something, so I sent it to Paris.”

Cray-zay. Naturally, Matt Damon had the bed burned because god knows what filthy things Love had done in it before shipping it halfway around the world to a total stranger.

Cray-zay.

America’s Most decorated Olympian, Michael Phelps, is now on the run to become America’s Most Arrested For DUI Olympian.

Over the weekend, Phelps was arrested on suspicion of DUI in Baltimore for erratic driving and for going 84 MPH in a 45 MPH zone.

The officer who stopped the Olympian said he seemed to be drunk, though, to be fair, Michael Phelps always looks drunk; but there was the stench of booze that also alerted the officer to the crime, and he failed the subsequent series — meaning more than one — of standard field sobriety tests. He was arrested and charged with DUI, excessive speed, and crossing double lane lines.

He was later released and said to be back behind the wheel training for the Jack Daniels Swerve-a-lympics, but for right now he is sorry:

“Earlier this morning, I was arrested and charged with DUI, excessive speeding, and crossing double lane lines. I understand the severity of my actions and take full responsibility. I know these words may not mean much right now but I am deeply sorry to everyone I have let down.”

Oh yeah, this is Phelp’s second DUI so yeah, his words don’t mean much at all.

I admit it, I have been watching The View lately now that Grandma Barbara has been sent to a farm where she can run and play with all the other retired journalists. I watch because, most of the time, I like Whoopi Goldberg and her common sense approach to life, and because Rosie O’Donnell is back and one of the other co-hosts used to work for Rosie’s archenemy George “War For Oil” Bush. I thought that would be a catfight worth watching, but apparently Rosie and the Republican are getting along well, but it’s Rosie and Whoopi who are fighting.

According to sources — and by sources I mean a studio filled with people — Rosie and Whoopi got into a shouting match during a commercial break that ended with Whoopi tossing every filthy word she could think of at O’Donnell.

Rosie was discussing how she feels about spanking your children during the Hot Topics segment and as they ran out of time, the producers told Whoopi to end the discussion and go to a commercial break.

Ruh-roh. Now, Rosie doesn’t wear the earpiece so she didn’t hear the producers call for the Shut Rosie Down and once they went to commercial, Rosie grabbed the mic they use for talking to the audience and started ripping into Whoopi for cutting her off and saying she “hurt her feelings”.

Whoopi set down her joint — I kid, she smokes backstage y’all — and warned Rosie that this was neither the time nor the place, but Rosie continued to go full-Rosie, telling the audience:

“Well I just don’t appreciate you saying that you were going to do something and not doing it. It makes me upset and I just don’t want to have to go through this.”

That’s when Whoopi, who never met an F-bomb she didn’t drop, pick back up and drop again, said:

“Fuck it, I told you to leave it alone and you just don’t want to listen. If you want to go there Rosie, I will dammit. I’m really sick of your shit.”

Cat Fight! Except … the “sick of your shit” comment seemed to shut Rosie down — too bad Hasselbeck didn’t know that — and so The Other Rosie, AKA  Rosie Perez tried to lighten the mood by saying to the audience:

“Oh shit, Twitter is going to be off the hook now. They’re about to get it.“

Afterwards Barbara Walters wrote Rosie Perez a check for $5 million dollars and elevated her status to Co-Host Referee.

I don’t know anyone who likes going to the dentist, but Charlie Sheen must really hate it …

It appears that the former 2.5 Men star, and current star of the aptly named Anger Management, went berserk on a dental technician after she placed a mask on his face for nitrous oxide.  Sheen ALLEGEDLY reacted by be waving his arms and ultimately hitting her, and the dentist is now claiming that Sheen pulled out a knife and tried to attack him.

How? Why?

Oh, Sheen’s bodyguard made the apologies, by saying Charlie was high on rock cocaine at the time, but even after the mea culpa the Los Angeles Police Department is looking into the incident.

Justin Bieber who was banging Selena Gomez when he ALLEGEDLY banged Miranda Kerr — whose ex, Orlando Bloom punched The Biebs in a Spanish nightclub — is now ALLEGEDLY banging Kendall Jenner who is ALLEGEDLY banging the tiny tot so he can introduce her to Chris Brown because that’s her end game.

I need an Excel spreadsheet to keep up with this pool of STDs.

Small Bites … Ben Affleck’s penis makes its film debut in Gone Girl. I heard it’s a small part.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Okay, so Rosie Perez and Jennifer Lopez are in some kind of feud, and have been for twenty years! It all started when Rosie and JLo met in 1991 while auditioning as Fly Girls for In Living Color, and apparently things went downhill between them pretty quickly. And Rosie is talking about it all in her new book, Handbook For an Unpredictable Life.

Rosie, who was a choreographer at the time, says she convinced the show’s creator Keenan Ivory Wayans to hire Lopez even though he didn’t want to — he called JLo “corny and chubby” — as long as she promised to lose 20 lbs and cut her hair. That seems plausible enough, right?

But Rosie says that when Jennifer got the job, she completely changed her personality and went “ghetto biatch” on everyone, creating a rift that’s lasted until the present day between the two women:

“All of the girls were coming into my office complaining how she was manipulating wardrobe, makeup, and me, all to her advantage.”

Rosie kinda wrote the whole thing off as girls being jealous, until JLo dropped her “sweet-girl act” and “went off” on Perez like “some ghetto biatch, screaming and pounding her chest”:

“You pick on me, me and only me, every f–king day! Every f–king day! I work my ass off, deliver and you keep pushing me aside, treating me like sh-t! I know I’m good! I’m better than any of these girls, and you know it.”

JLo left the show after two seasons but didn’t drop her anger toward Perez; Rosie says Lopez has made “disparaging comments” about her after hitting it big in Hollywood:

“I was blindsided. I’d thought we were cool. I called her up. She wouldn’t pick up. Frustrated, I left her an irate message on her answering machine. Instead of calling me back and hashing it out like friends do, she went on a major talk show and reiterated my lashing.”

And years later, the two ran into each other at a club and JLo acted like nothing had ever happened.

Sounds like a delusional JLo to me …

Poor Drake. He needs a hug, or maybe a good Reality Smack.

See, he gave an interview to Rolling Stone and he whined about the text that Macklemore sent to Kendrick Lamar after he won the Grammy for Best Rap Album. And he dogged Kanye a bit about his last album, as well.

But, trying to stay on Kanye’s good side — I kid, Kanye doesn’t have a good side — Drake said his Kanye Komments were taken out of context, and Tweeted:

I never commented on Yeezus for my interview portion of Rolling Stone. They also took my cover from me last minute and ran the issue. — Drizzy (@Drake) February 13, 2014

Oh, so he’s also pissed that Rolling Stone bumped him from the cover and replaced him with a cover photo of the late Philip Seymour Hoffman. This caused Drake to Tweet:

I'm disgusted with that. RIP to Phillip Seymour Hoffman. All respect due. But the press is evil. — Drizzy (@Drake) February 13, 2014

And if that wasn’t enough of a temper tantrum, he then Tweeted:

I’m done doing interviews for magazines. I just want to give my music to the people. That’s the only way my message gets across accurately. . — Drizzy (@Drake) February 13, 2014

Oh honey, we got your message. You’re pissed because a dead guy took your spot on a magazine cover.

Sit down, Drizzy. Except he didn’t because he knew he sounded like a whiny little douche so he posted an apology on his website:

Tough Day At The Office

With today being the 5th anniversary of So Far Gone I figured it’s fitting to return to it’s place of its origin in order to clear the air about an extremely emotional day. I completely support and agree with Rolling Stone replacing me on the cover with the legendary Phillip Seymour Hoffman. He is one of the most incredible actors of our time and a man that deserves to be immortalized by this publication.

My frustration stemmed from the way it was executed. The circumstances at hand are completely justifiable (on the magazines behalf), but I was not able to salvage my story or my photos and that was devastating. They ran the issue without giving me a choice to be in it or not. I would have waited until it was my time because I understand the magnitude of the cover they chose but I just wasn’t given that option and that made me feel violated.

I apologize to anybody who took my initial comments out of context because in no way would I ever want to offend the Hoffman family or see myself as bigger than that moment. I am still the same person. Today I was forced out of my character and felt the need to react swiftly. These days are the worst ones.

Waking up after a great night in the studio and it’s your day to be picked apart. After dwelling on it for a few hours or days you will come to the conclusion that you brought it on yourself almost every time.

So here I am having that moment. I once again apologize to everybody who took my cover comments the wrong way. I respect Rolling Stone for being willing to give a kid from Toronto a shot at the cover. I guess this is a day to learn and grow.

Sincerely,

The Boy

He should have skipped the 'out of context' part and played up the 'I’m sorry' bits more because he still sound like a pissy little biatch.

Charlie Sheen has been dating porn star Brett Rossi for a couple of months now so it must be time to put a ring on it?

Charlie proposed to Brett — who is rumored to have convinced him to ditch his management team, and to evict two of his ex-wives from the houses he bought for them — in Hawaii over the weekend and they celebrated by inviting a paparazzo to document the moment.

Brett will be Charlie’s fourth wife, but he’s calling her his third since his first marriage to Donna Peele was annulled and it doesn’t count—and he sent a statement to People to explain that:

 “With all due respect to Donna –

that maiden Klay-Vinn was annulled.

Therefore,

if “three”

truly is a charm;

The mashup/acronym

of the real CS,

(Charlie & Scottie)

HAS to be;

“Char-M-stee…”

xox

c&s”

Wow, compared to Charlie, Drake’s little apology now makes complete sense.

Kendall Jenner and Kim Kardashian are said to be feuding because Kendall is becoming a more respected model, something Kim has long wanted to be, even though she has an ass the size of a Fiat. So, now Kim is stuck with being famous for being famous, and being famously married and divorced a couple of times and being famously knocked up by a loony rapper, and Kendall is a model, and much to Kim’s chagrin and That Woman's delight, is proving to be a more marketable tool upon which to make a mint.

Kendall’s got Harry Styles — not nearly as Kray Kray as Kanye — and she’s got the modeling career that Kim so desperately longed for and may, she just may, land that Vogue cover that Kim wants and Kanye’s trying to buy for her.

In fact, Kendall Jenner — a Kardastrophe by proximity — actually sat beside Anna Wintour — the Kim-Loathing-Wintour — during Fashion Week and recently was featured in Vogue.

Kim, for her part, only came close to Anna Wintour at the Met Gala last year and by close I mean nowhere near; in fact, Kim was famously edited out of every single photograph she was in on the Vogue website.

It’s like she doesn’t even exist, but I’m sure we’ll hear her head explode when Kendall covers Vogue.

Speaking of Kim Kardastrophe …

It’s clear that the Kash Kow is no stranger to the plastic surgeon, or the filler, or the Botox-er. It’s also clear that Kim will never admit to going under the knife, or the needle or the spatula or whatever it is they use.

After she gave birth to NorthSouthEastWest, there was all sorts of talk about postpartum tweaking; nose work, Botox …

Now, as we gear up for another season of Kardastrophe, plastic surgeon Dr. Anthony Youn is talking about Kim, and while not calling her a “plastic surgery addict” he says she is definitely a “plastic surgery enthusiast”:

“It appears to me Kim’s had quite a bit of work done — some she’s admitted to, and some we can speculate about.”

Indeed, she copped to having Botox done as far back as 2010 and Dr. Youn agrees:

“I believe she’s undergone Botox injections to smooth the wrinkles of her forehead and her frown lines. Although I doubt she’s had a surgical brow lift, she looks like she’s had a Botox brow lift, where Botox is injected in a pattern to raise and arch the brows.”

In addition, Dr. Youn declared, “I do believe she may have gone under the knife for a nose job, thinning out and straightening her nose, making it look more glamorous [and her] lips appear to have been plumped with fillers, although she doesn’t sport the ‘trout pout’ of some other reality stars.”

Think the good doctor might be wrong? Take a look at this picture: Kim today on the left and Kim a few years back on the right.

Uh huh.

I kinda don’t believe this story because I really like Emma Stone, but, well, you know, gotta share it.

It seems like an Emma Stone selfies—of the nekkid variety—has surfaced and is arcing around the interwebz faster than Lindsay Lohan at last call. More fans have seen this picture than her last flop, Movie 43.

Possibly so because I’ve never heard of Movie 43 and it came out a year ago!

So, some folks—not me, like I said, I like Emma—are saying the flop film is what prompted Emma to take promotional matters into her own hands and snap a naked selfie of herself that “accidentally” gets leaked to the press.

It’s the new press release, y’all!

I mean, Emma does have a slew of new films coming out this year and maybe she needs a little interest to take people’s minds off of Movie 43—seriously, how did I miss that? Huge Ackman was in it! Emma is set to be seen onscreen in The Amazing Spiderman 2 this May, Woody Allen’s Magic in the Moonlight in July, and an untitled Cameron Crowe film in December.

And, while I won’t post the nekkid selfie here—it’s a nekkid woman, y’all—I have seen it and while it does bear a resemblance to Stone, the iPhone covers the face somewhat so ….

And there appears to be more evidence that shows that either the photo is a fake, or it is a selfies of Emma pre-2010 because after that year Emma got a tattoo on her left wrist which is not present in the nekkid selfies.

Like I said, I didn’t believe it; I was just providing a public gossip service.

So, a few years ago, Victoria Beckham had some serious cleavage, I guess. I don’t know because I can only see her unsmiling alien face when I think of her. And usually when I think of her it’s in passing on my way to thinking about her husband.

But, it turns out, she actually did go through with getting breast implants at some point, but then she decided to treat them like a pair of ill-fitting Jimmy Choos and return them.

As Posh now says:

 “I don’t have them anymore. I think I may have purchased them.”

Purchased them? And what? Left them in the trunk of the car?

How does one just purchase breast implants. By the name alone they need to be implanted.

Amirite?