Bobservations

Carlos came to me this week and said he needed a picture as part of his work profile for a new translation group he’s joined. I told him to put on a nice shirt and I’d take a picture and help him upload it but he said:

“Don’t you already have pictures of me?”

“Of course I do … let’s look.”

And I opened a file on the computer.

“Here you are in a straw hat slurping a margarita on the beach. That’s a good one. Oh, here’s one of you kissing Ozzo. You wanna post that one? No!!! Wait!!! This is the best one … you on the balcony of a hotel we stayed in during a trip to Key West and you’re buck naked.”

I told him there were no work appropriate photos of him unless he’s working as a drunken, dog loving exotic dancer.

This Tales of Tuxedo is from October 2010 and includes an appearance from the late, great MaxGoldberg, who was Tuxedo’s bestest friend; it’s entitled Just for Giggles:

I saw this:

And then I saw this:

Coinkydink?

I don’t know what on Earth  he is looking at when the rear view, er, real view is coming from inside the house!

I never had to learn this lesson, I just think I always knew it, but the lesson is "Don’t act like an ass around Clint Eastwood."

Clint’s son, Scott, says his dad humbled Kevin Costner’s “big ego” on the set of “A Perfect World” in 1993 and how his dad remained “very calm” without “raising his voice ever.” Scott Eastwood explained that Costner was “sort of going through maybe … a rise to fame” at the time and “maybe [had] a big ego” and said Kevin wouldn’t come out of his trailer for some reason.

And so then Clint dismissed him from set—despite him being in that day’s scene—and instructed the crew to “send [Costner] home.” When Clint was reminded that his co-star was “in the scene,” he repeated his instruction. Scott then said:

“I guess they just went to Kevin and said, ‘Hey, you’re going to go home for the day.’ … He said, ‘What do you mean, I’m in the scene?’ [And they said], ‘Well, I guess you’re not anymore.'”

The next day, Costner was on set as planned.

If you’re more worried about a “socialist” in office than a pedophile or domestic abuser, I have questions. Most of them are variations of “what the fuck is wrong with you,” to be fair.

Just a heads up for those of you on the boycott … not only is Taylor Farms serving you Diarrhea Salads but they are using forced labor to pick the Poop Greens. See, they pay the Arizona Department of Corrections $4.75 an hour for prison labor of which just $1.50 an hour goes to the workers.

Prisons for Profit, Corporate Greed and Explosive Runs.

Yesterday, when Abdul El Sayed won the Democratic primary in Michigan his opponent Haley Stevens called him to concede and congratulate him on his victory and told others to do the same. Governor Gretchen Whitmer and Senator Gary Peters then called El Sayed to congratulate him and throw their support behind him.

In addition the entire team that supported Stevens is now lining up for El Sayed heading into the Midterms. That is the kind of unity we need; no grudges; no sitting out the election;  just the entire party pulling in the same direction.

That’s how you do a Blue Wave.

Vote Blue. Cast a Goddamned Vote! 

Michiel Francis Loonen is both a model and piano composer whose work bridges two worlds of expression. Together, these paths reflect his artistry: a pursuit of beauty, whether in front of the camera or at the keys of a piano so Would You Hit It?

It's Snarkurday!

Johnny Depp spent a month touring with his “band,” The Hollywood Vampires, and when he returned to America, eagle-eyed observers noticed something different.

After Johnny married Amber Heard, he had the word “SLIM” tattooed on his knuckles; many people thought “SLIM” was a nickname for Amber, or maybe a private joke between the two.

But “SLIM” is no more; it now reads “SCUM.” Huh; maybe it was Amber’s nickname because it also appears that Depp “blackened out” the tattoo he had of Amber’s face on his right bicep.

Back in the day, when Johnny split up with former flame Winona Ryder he simply changed his “Winona Forever” tattoo into “Wino Forever.”

And that tattoo might have been the root of one of the problems in the Depp/Heard house … Wino.

Just in case you forgot Chris Brown was out to destroy everyone around him, and himself, here’s more:

Last week we learned he was being sued by a couple of people, and had fired a few others from his inner circle, but this time it’s about Chris taking his temper out on his surroundings.

On tour in Europe, Brown had rented a villa, though who in their right mind would rent anything, much less a villa, to Chris Brown? Perhaps someone who’s never heard of Chris Brown and his Temper?

Well, the landlord found out the hard way. It seems Chris was supposed to be out of the house at a certain time, but decided not to leave so the landlord called police in to remove Squatting Brown; it turns out that was the least of his problems.

According to a police report, the home was, ALLEGEDLY, a disaster. There were knife marks on the walls — either from throwing knives or carving up walls for no reason — and someone had peed on one of the beds; oh, and there was vomit everywhere.

The landlord claims Brown owes him $26,000 in rent, but after adding up the cost of all the damage, he now wants $60,000. A source close to Chris — seriously, who’s left? — says the rent issue is settled, and the reason it hadn’t been paid on time was due to a banking issue on the landlord’s end because, in Chris Brown’s world it’s always someone else’s fault.

Seriously. Don’t rent to Chris Brown … even an Outhouse deserves to be treated better.

Lindsay Lohan recently spoke with Vanity Fair about turning 30 and talked about the next chapter in her life and, it appears, The Cracken is writing a book …er, she’s having someone write her book.

But it’s not gonna be about ‘Lindsay The Drugged Out Mess’ or ‘Lindsay The Bar Brawler’ or ‘Lindsay The Jewel Thief’ or even ‘Lindsay The Former Child Star Turned Sloppy Mess Who’s Now Engaged To A Rich Russian’. Nope; Lindsay’s writing a self-help memoir:

“I am in the process of writing a book [about] my personal experiences in life and how to overcome obstacles. I hope that my words will connect with those who need some guidance when [or] if they are in a tough place. I am grateful that I have a voice, which I can now feel comfortable using as a platform to let people know that we all have ups and downs in life, and we can all come up from the downs if we get in touch with our inner self and spiritual side.”

So, it’s Lindsay The Delusional Wacktress Who “Wrote” A Book No One Asked For?

Lindsay also added that she’s gonna start making movies again:

“Making more films, writing my book, starting my charity, working with children a lot. Maybe having some of my own soon—after I get some movies done, first.”

Funny that, since no one is asking for a Lohan film or a book.

Well, it’s official: Clint and Dina Eastwood, while now divorced, are still one degree of separation away since Dina just married the ex-husband of Clint’s ex-girlfriend. I guess they live in a really small, inbred, kinda town?

After dating for three years, Dina has married basketball coach and old college friend, Scott Fisher, who just happens to be the ex-husband of a woman Clint dated while separated, but still married to, Dina.

See, Dina and Scott started, um, “reaching out” to one another while still married and when Erica, Scott’s wife, told Clint about the “reaching out,” they began, um, “reaching out,” too. And, when Dina got word that Clint was with Erica she suddenly filed for divorce. I guess the news that Clint was “reaching out” to Erica was just too much “reaching out” for Dina.

Sadly, while Dina and Scott are now officially husband-and-wife — for now — Clint and Erica are no longer “reaching.”

Seriously. It all has kind of a HazMat, Petri dish kinda feeling to it. I mean, your husband has, um, dipped his wick into you and your ex-husband’s ex-girlfriend who happens to be his ex-wife.

Ick. The upside is that Clint is now rumored to be dating a chair he met at the 2008 Republican National Convention.

I guess if you’re gonna marry Ciara you’re gonna get dragged into her very messy, multi-million dollar lawsuit against Future, her Baby Daddy. At least that’s what happened to her fiancé Russell Wilson.

Ciara has filed more legal documents in her $15 million defamation lawsuit against Future but this time it’s nothing to do with Who Gets The Baby. Nope, Ciara is now claiming to be terrified, terrified, I tell ya, that Future might be fixing to harm Russell because, she says, Future has been making “threats” towards Russell by using, wait for it, it’s stupid, gun emojis on Instagram.

Oh, and he’s singing about it, too; see, Ciara brings up a song Future released last month called “Juice” — even Future is trying to make coins off’a OJ — in which, she says, he smacks at Russell by saying:

“Tryna f**k my baby mama, dog what’s up with you? You gon’ make me get that heat, I’m pulling up on you.”

Um, maybe Future is talking about any number of his other Baby Mama?

Sit down Ciara; you just got married. Have a honeymoon and then come back with the drama.

So, the rumor was that Calvin Harris is the one who broke it off with Taylor Swift because he wanted no part of her Cotton Candy Wedding and didn’t want one of her cats to be his Best Man, but maybe he’s the one nursing the broken heart?

I mean, Taylor moved onto to photo ops with Tom Hiddleston about twelve seconds about Calvin left her Barbie Dreamhouse and now Calvin is playing the Heartsick Blues. He’s been in Mexico for a week and is ALLEGEDLY collaborating on a new song with British singer John Newman in which Calvin takes some digs at TayTay. The song is called “Ole,” and is written from Tom Hiddleston’s POV with the lyrics saying Taylor began boning Tom long before Calvin fled Candyland.

One lyric, sung as Tom, says:

“I see online that you begun to be a good girl and take trips with your boyfriend. Being attentive, continue to pretend …”

Another "Tom" line says:

“You’ve hidden my name in your phone so you can call me to tell me you’ve been going through hell. Left him alone and you booked in a hotel.”

And then Calvin cleverly … if you like a good conspiracy … uses Hiddleston’s ‘Thor’ character Loki in one line:

“Low key you won’t tell none of your friends about me.”

People close to Calvin, or, um, yeah, it’s Calvin, say he isn’t angry with Hiddleston; he feels Tom is under Taylor’s spell — I threw up a little in my mouth at that thought — and has no control over the situation and the planned Fourth of July photo shoots with professional photographers ordered weeks in advance of the TayTay-Calvin Split.

Just sayin’.

It's Snarkurday!

Remember when Mariah Carey was big? Oh, I don’t mean big like in hips and boobs and ass squeezed into a sequined sausage casing, I mean big as in a big pop star? Yeah; now? Not so much.

See, Mimi’s latest gig, other than taking up residency in Vegas to sing nasty songs about her future ex-husband and Baby Daddy, Mariah Carey is actually singing for Wal-Mart at their annual shareholders.

Oh how the mighty have fallen, but at least it explains that earth-shattering thud.

So, after those adorable pictures of Chris Brown showing off his baby daughter — by that one night stand Lifetime Paycheck … at least I think that’s the Baby Mama’s name — appeared, it seemed Brownie had changed; nope.

Chrissy is still hung up on Karrueche Tran, the girlfriend who dumped his ass when she found out he knocked up that one night stand, I’ll Never Have To Work Again — at least I think that’s the Baby Mama’s name — and last week Brown ended up outside Tran’s house getting into a shrieking match. Wigs were removed, stilletos were tossed aside, earrings taken out; and I think Karrueche did the same thing.

It all started when Brown showed up to a club where he knew Karrueche would be, and then settled into a VIP table right next to hers; no explanation as to how Tran got a VIP table because she isn’t boning another rapper yet. Anyway, she … and by she, I mean Karrueche … wasn’t having it so she up and left, and that’s when Chrissy followed her outside, and pushed his way into a car with Tran and her friends. Sadly, though, he didn’t get too far, because Tran dumped him off on a sidestreet and drove away.

And yet it still wasn’t over. Chris made his way to Tran’s house at about 3AM and began screaming like a lunatic; I’d heard he was channeling Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls and shrieking “And I’m Telling You [I’m Not Going]” but that may be a falsehood.

Karrueche called the police, who showed up and didn’t charge Brown with anything because yelling at your former girlfriend in the street at 3AM in LA is not a crime. But Karrueche then agreed to go with Chris to a diner, where he continued to scream at her, so she left again … and, last we heard Chrissy was still in JHud drag, searching the streets of LA for his former girlfriend.

Maybe Karrueche should set her sights on rapper Chet Haze, who keeps making the news because he loves loves loves throwing around the n-word, calling it, ahem, “the beautiful n-word.” Apparently he wants to be taken seriously as a rapper, so he uses the n-word rather than having any discernible talent.

Oh, but he has rapper ego. Chet’s been in London for a week or so and really left his mark there after ALLEGEDLY throwing a tantrum and trashing his hotel room because three women would not have sex with him and did not have any cocaine to give him.

British detectives are now on the hunt for Haze, claiming he caused £1,200 worth of damage — roughly $1800 American bucks — by shattering all the crystal in the room and ripping a TV set from the wall.

A source — and it could be Lohan because she’s off probation and partying legally again — says:

“He was pretty obnoxious once he started drinking … He kept saying ‘do you know who I am?’ … Nobody recognized him. He then went back to the hotel with a British actor friend and three female promoters … He asked the girls if they would join him in the bed, but they are not like that. So he started screaming and making a right noise. He saw some sprinkled make-up called banana powder and started asking ‘who’s got the coke?’ But nobody did drugs there. Then he started shouting that he was not going to share it with another man.”

Let the smashing and trashing commence.

Oh, and yeah, there’s this: Chet Haze is a made-up name because he’s really Chester Hanks, son of Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, who must be so proud.

As news of Haze’s spree went worldwide, Chester called the claims “a slanderous bold-faced lie” and threatened the “full force of my legal team” … meaning, “Wait till I tell my Daddy.”

When you hire JLo to perform at your event, you should know what you’re going to get … ass-shaking, skimpy costumes, lip-syncing. I mean, that’s her talent career.

But it also might be her downfall, at least in Morocco. See, Jell-O — as Carlos calls her — performed at the Mawazine World Rhythms International Music Festival in Morocco last month — and the show aired live on Moroccan television — and did what she does: ass, sequins, sync. But many of the people, including an unnamed “educational group” were highly offended and have called for the resignation of Morocco’s minister of communications for allowing Jell-O to strut and strip and shimmy and shake and not sing on public TV. The minister won’t resign, but is meeting with the “ethics committee,” because he doesn’t think it was right for JLo’s ass to appear on Moroccan TV.

In addition, this unnamed “educational group” is now suing the promoter claiming that Jell-O “disturbed public order and tarnished women’s honor and respect.”

Uh oh. This sounds serious; I mean, if she disturbed the public order, maybe in addition to stripping and shimmying and shaking that ass she actually did sing live??!!?

And, if Jell-O is found guilty — and let’s be clear, she won’t be — she could be thrown into prison for 1 month to 2 years.

Wouldn’t that be nice, though?

Kate Moss has been modeling for decades — I think she started when she was three — and she has been a hot mess most of that time.

It seems that CoKate was flying with Easy Jet, a budget Brit airline — which means the modeling career may be winding down — over the weekend when she got a little wild and had to be forcibly removed upon landing. The flight — from Turkey to London — turned rocky when Kate demanded alcohol and was refused; she then reached into her carry-on and took out her own bottle of vodka.

And that’s when the airline said, “Oh hell no,” and radioed ahead to have air marshals take the hard-partying model off the plane by force.

And, as she was being dragged out of Budget First Class, Kate turned to the flight attendant and called her a “basic bitch”.

Not your superior bitch like Kate, I’m guessing.

In Grumpy Old Man News … Clint Eastwood, last seen talking to a chair at the Republican national Convention, has proved once again that he should not be allowed to speak in public.

Last Saturday night, while introducing Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at the Spike TV Guys’ Choice 2015 awards ceremony, Eastwood compared the honoree to other former athletes such as “Jim Brown and Caitlyn somebody…”

But the audience, instead of laughing, because the joke wasn’t a joke and wasn’t funny, groaned, and then Grampa Clint said that he knew the joke wouldn’t work when he brought it up to the show’s producers.

Ya think? The joke — such as it wasn’t — will be cut from the show when it airs on June 18. Sadly, that means we’re left with Grampa Clint talking to, well, a chair?

I kinda don’t like Beyoncé because I get the impression that she thinks because she’s Beyoncé everyone wants to know everything she’s doing, when and how. And maybe some do, but now, after her spot on Good Morning America this week, maybe more people will be less likely to hang on her ever windblown word.

See, the Beyhive into a frenzy this week when it was revealed that Beyoncé would appear on GMA with a big announcement that everyone would love. 

New music? A tour? Another baby? Better weaves?

Um, no. Beyoncé just wanted to talk about being a part-time vegan, and how she was whoring  Marco Borges’  vegan diet book, The 22-Day Revolution, which she has already whored out before.

Yeah, it was an infomercial. And her fans went ballistic, crying foul, and basically saying it was just Beyoncé sitting on her rooftop telling the world that everyone is fat and needs her help.

Grrl, please, take a seat.

Shortbite:

It doesn’t pay to be George Clooney these days. In fact, if the receipts from his latest film, Tomorrowland, are any indication, it costs to be Clooney … $140 million to be exact.

That’s the amount that his last film is expected to lose, and coming on the heels of The Monuments Men flop, well, Clooney may not be as bankable as he had been.

I don’t think I could tell a Carolina Herrera design from a Zac Posen … or a Dior … or a Balenciaga — well, maybe Balenciaga — but I gotta say, I loves me some Carolina Herrera quotes.

She is not having this naked trend in designer clothes and threw all kinds of shade at Beyoncé and JLo and Kim Kardastrophe, and their designers, for perpetuating the trend.

“It’s so modern to be naked or almost naked. They think it’s going to attract younger people if they do those dresses. No! The almost naked! Oh God! They’re trying to get people to pay attention to them. In life, there should be a little mystery.”

Herrera then dished on Beyoncé’s bedazzled mosquito netting, and JLo’s red beaded gown that was all front and back and no sides, and Kim Kardashian with a train of white feathers trailing from a derriere served up for admiration.

“They’re supposed to be fashion icons and they’re not wearing anything. It’s an obsession now.”

The Empresses have no clothes and Herrera ain't playin'..

We don’t hear a lot from Charlie Sheen any more, which is a good thing, to be sure, but every so often, he goes off the rails, so to speak.

It seems Charlie had a medical emergency Monday night and paramedics were called to his home after getting a call from his handlers that he was suffering from “food poisoning.”

Food poisoning?

Charlie’s people called the fire department directly at around 11:00 PM Monday, which is kinda odd considering most folks would call 911 directly, but then 911 records their calls so, yeah, there’s that. But his people say it was nothing more than a really, really bad case of food poisoning and Charlie was treated for “dehydration” at the hospital and then sent home, and all’s well that ends well.

Don’t.Do.Drugs. And ... shooting star … The More You Know …

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

I hate to say I told you so, but I will … I told you so … …and I’ll add that Lohan got arrested last night for drunk driving on Long Island.

That’s right Lindsay Lo— Wait? What? What? It wasn’t Lindsay? It WASN’T Lindsay? It wasn’t Lindsay?

It was Dina “Box’o’Chardonnay” Lohan who was arrested last night with a blood alcohol level of .20; and that’s a lotta wine, and, as Dina is apt to do, whine.

Lindsay’s 50-year-old mother was pulled over on the Northern State Parkway by New York State Police around 11 pm Thursday night for ALLEGEDLY going 77mph in a 55 zone. During the stop, police say she appeared intoxicated—let that one sink in because when does Dina ever appear not intoxicated—and when they tested her she hit the .20 mark, more than twice the legal limit of .08. And in typical Dina form, she ALLEGED that she was injured during the arrest but when medical personnel arrived she was suddenly okay.

Dina Lohan was booked on two counts of driving while intoxicated and one count of speeding.

I guess now that Lindsay is out of rehab Dina has no one to drink with, so she’s doubling up on her intake. 

Wow, this is getting all kinds of creepy.

Last week I told y’all that like the Zeta-Jones-Douglas’, the Ruiz-Eastwood’s seemed headed for divorce, and that decades younger than her husband, Clint, Dina Ruiz was spending more time with her old high school boyfriend now.

Now it seems that Clint has gotten himself a new lady-friend to take the place of Wannabe-Kardashian Dina. He was recently spotted at LAX letting off a younger lovely, Erica Tomlinson Fisher. There was some thought that Erica might have been Clint’s daughter with former wife, Frances Fisher, but that turned out to be untrue.

No, y’all, Erica Tomlinson Fisher is the ex-wife of Scott Fisher. Who’s that you say? Well, Scott Fisher is Dina Ruiz’s high school boyfriend that she’s been schtupping of late.

So, Mr. Eastwood and Mrs. Fisher are hooking up while Mrs. Eastwood and Mr. Fisher do the nasty, too.

Only in Hollywood, I hope.

As you’ve no doubt already heard, media whore and daughter pimping Kris Jenner’s talk show is highly unlikely to be renewed by Fox after its lackluster six week trial run. There is no official word yet, and Kris has half-denied the show is canceled, but it seems like a done deal.

And folks that worked on the show are actually kinda happy to be unemployed. Star Magazine has an interview with an anonymous production worker from Kris’ show who says she was so difficult and stingy that they are thrilled to be out of work if it means less Kris Jenner in their lives.

The source—and it could be an angry Kardashian—says Kris would show up to the set hung-over, demand a cadre of beauty experts make her look beautiful—or at least less mannish—and was annoying to the staff and overall unbearable. And even more, the crew member says that staff members got no “extras” like they usually do on other talk show sets, and instead Kris would take all the free gifts home herself.

At the wrap party, though, she came through, I guess, by presenting those who’d worked on her show with fleece blankets; airline fleece blankets, someone called them.

But that’s Kris gimme gimme gimme Jenner.

Onto Lamar Odom.

He recently checked into rehab, somewhere, following the insistence of obviously soon-to-be ex-wife Khloe Kardashian that he get help, except that now Khloe is whining that she has had no contact with him and, in fact, doesn’t even know where he went for treatment.

Now, is that shady, or is it smart?

Some say Lamar is likely avoiding Khloe so her family — really just Kris — can’t leak stories about him to the press, though It turns out that even going to rehab in secret, and not telling his fame-whoring wife and mother-in-law, doesn’t work well.

Lamar checked into rehab Wednesday morning and checked out Thursday afternoon, making his rehab stint even shorter than a Lohan stay, and now Khloe is furious that husband is keeping her in the dark and his camp is also freezing her out.

Maybe, just maybe, though, Lamar is keeping himself away because all of those nasty stories about his infidelities and drug problems are being leaked to the press by a Kardashian.

Not so shocking, really.

Do you think Gwyneth Paltrow ever lets her kids have a French fry? I mean, it seems like she’s constantly revising what she says about her children’s eating habits, going from the story that get Oreos and a soda one day per week, to the times she says she put them on a no-carbohydrates diet. Makes one wonder what Paltrow’s hubby, Chris Martin — who avoids being seen with her in public at almost all costs — feels about his kids and their diet.

Now, it turns out, that he’s the Junk Food Daddy. While Paltrow went off to do a bookstore gig for that cookbook she, um, “wrote" — ‘It’s All Good’ — Chris took Apple and Moses to McDonalds. And when Gwyneth deigned to reunite with her family, her eagle eyes spotted a McDonald’s wrapper on the floor of the car and she exploded.

“I thought I asked you to take them for a healthy lunch.”

“McDonalds has healthy choices from the fast food menu!”

But, um, I’m guessing it was a Big Mac wrapper Paltrow found, and after sniffing it, and licking it, she began her tirade.

Swifty and JLo? Lordy, how creepy is that? 

A few weeks ago, Jennifer made a surprise guest appearance on stage with Taylor Swift as part of Swift’s concert in LA. They sang “Jenny From The Block” together and all seemed well, but, um, yeah, behind the scenes, not so much.

Apparently JLo was rude to some of Swifty’s fans — they probably looked at her — and so she had her minions remind folks that the rule is no one looks at, or speaks to, La Lopez. So, now JLo is on Swifty’s Do Not Call List — and there will probably be a song about it soon — and she’s said she will never work with JLo again or even invite her to a performance.

What do you do when you were once the King of the Summer Movie but your last film sank faster than Miley Cyrus’ reputation?

Well, if you’re Will Smith, whose last film AfterEarth  — which will be retitled AfterEarth When Will's Career Tanked in DVD and BluRay release  — bombed big time, you suddenly head back to the beginning and sign on for that sequel to Independence Day.

According to director Roland Emmerich, they’re currently “in discussions”, which is probably code for “trying to satisfy Will Smith’s insane salary demands and seeing if we have a bit role for Jaden.”

Or, maybe Jaden will get the lead, and soon to be has-been Daddy Will will get the cameo part.

We haven’t heard much from Mel Gibson lately, not that I’m complaining, but the drunk-driving, anti-Semitic, adulterer, girlfriend batterer is well-known for not tolerating people, especially the police.

This may explain his ill-temper recently when Melvin was stopped while driving down the PCH [Pacific Coast Highway] in Malibu with a “female passenger”.

To be fair, the police were satisfied that he hadn’t been drinking and let him go, but Mel apparently became enraged by the inconvenience and started screaming at them when they asked him to show them his license, and Mel didn’t have it on him. At that point deputies told Mel to go to a secondary screening spot, and that’s when Gibson got angry, shrieking at officers, “Why are you harassing me?”  When a deputy asked why Mel was screaming and he responded, “I have had problems with you Lost Hills [Malibu] deputies in the past.”

After his little hissy fit, officers let him go with a warning to carry a license, maybe.

Poor Melvin. He used to be a big star, and now he’s just a big drunk douche.

Speaking of douches ….

Miley Cyrus is one hot mess. I mean, besides that whole ridiculous “Look at me, I’m edgier than Madonna” VMA performance, or her new all-nude review on a wrecking ball and going down on a hammer.

No, her hot messiness is so bad that she’s pissed off the one person in the world that no one, NO ONE, should ever piss off: Anna Wintour.

Wintour is said to be so repulsed by Cyrus’, for lack of a better word, performances of late, that she has canceled Miley’s magazine cover to keep the crazy from the pages of Vogue. It was just a few months back, after the Met Gala, that Anna thought Miley might be a new fashion icon, but all that changed after Miley went all tongue spouting and crotch rubbing on TV.

In fact, the photo shoot that Miley has already done, for the December issue and cover is rumored to have been scrapped entirely. ‘Anna found the whole thing distasteful,’ a source says. ‘She decided, based on Miley’s performance, to take the cover in a different direction.’

Of course, Miley will spin this and Tweet this and possibly rub her crotch all over it, while telling us that this is part of her ‘plan.’

To take over stealing from Madonna from Gaga.

More on Paltrow, who fancies herself the aboslute best parent EVER!

Except when she's trying to kill them ... as she recently did when, while taking either Kiwi or Noah, or is it Pomegranate and Bathseba ... whatever ... to school on her Vespa — because she's just so cool  — she pulled right out in front of a school bus.

Hubby Chris  — with the other child  — was only slightly more in control of his Vespa and offspring.

PS Paltrow doesn't even have a driver's license in California, and since she lives there, that against the law.