I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

I kinda thought Kourtney Kardastrophe was the “normal” one in That Family, especially when she basically quit the show because she was fed up with the drama, real and imagined. But now we learn that, while traveling with new boyfriend Travis Barker, Kourtney went apeshit when he dropped his phone between their seats and demanded the plane wait for five minutes before taking off so she could find it.

Yes, Kourtney, by all means, let’s stop all incoming and outgoing plane traffic because your boyfriend lost his phone. Clearly, Kourtney is all Kardastrophe.

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I imagine John McCain is looking down at his daughter Meghan—and, to be fair, don’t we all look down at Meghan—after her latest bit of histrionics.

Last season, The View cohosts did the show from their homes, but this season the show was back in the studio. And that’s why Meghan says she left the show; she didn’t want to leave her husband and baby in DC, where they live, to travel to NYC, so she packed her spoiled bratitude and quit.

But then she wrote a book and that story isn’t quite a highpoint for her so suddenly she now says she left because Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg were mean to her. In the book, Meghan explained that she decided to leave on her second day back from maternity leave when, during a disagreement with Joy Behar, Meghan said Joy had missed her, and Joy replied:

“No, I didn’t.”

And that’s when Meghan decided she just couldn’t stay, and then trotted out the right’s favorite buzzwords like “toxic” and “bullying.” And she also blames Whoopi, because one day in 2019—two years ago—Meghan says Whoopi told her to stop talking because, as usual McCain was shouting and trying to overtalk and out-talk everyone else and Whoopi was trying to get the show to a commercial and told Meghan to pipe it all the way down. Meghan responded, as adults do, by saying she wasn’t going to talk for the rest of the show.

She didn’t leave because she had a baby she left because she’s a self-entitled spoiled child. And Daddy doesn’t like that, hon.

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Oh Madge, is there nothing you won’t do for publicity?

Madonna covers the latest issue of V Magazine in full Marilyn Monroe drag and tried to recapture the scene of Marilyn’s death from a  drug overdose in 1962. Marilyn was 36 at the time and Madge is 63 now and so she thinks there is something to those numbers to Madge. And then she has the balls to say she used photographer Steven Klein to capture the magic of Marilyn’s last photo shoot to pay “homage to the glamour and tragedy” of Marilyn.

Really? Recreating her death is an homage? The thirst of this bitch is real.

Madge, hon, you will never be Marilyn, so stop trying.

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Will Smith has a new movie coming out that I won’t see because, well, Will Smith. And he also has a new memoir coming out that I won’t read because, well, Will Smith.

But in the book he claims that he went all Method Actor during the filming of Six Degrees of Separation and ended up falling in love with co-star Stockard Channing while married to his first wife Sheree Zampino.

Funny, though, that he only went Straight Method Actor because, though he says he fell in love with Channing while playing a gay character he refused to kiss Anthony Michael Hall in a scene that called for the two men to kiss.

Spare me your Method, Will, you’re just a homophobe, and an ass.

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I did not know this and never had any idea, but actor Kal Penn has come out as gay and reveled that he is engaged to his partner Josh, whom he’s been in a relationship with for 11 years. The couple met when Penn took a break from acting to work in the White House under President Obama’s administration.

He wrote all about their love story—and their not-so-great first date—in his memoir, “You Can’t Be Serious,” saying Josh showed up to his apartment with an 18-pack of Coors Light and immediately changed the TV channel to watch Nascar:

“I thought, ‘This obviously is not going to work out.’ I have one day off from The White House and this dude is unironically watching cars go around and make left turns?”

A few months later Penn was watching Nascar every Sunday with Josh, and now they’re getting married. Congrats to the happy couple.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Today in Pandemic News … Madonna in Desperately Seeking Attention!

Yes, once again Madge has taken to her bathroom to Undress Herself, this time appearing in a hat, black underwear, gold bracelets and a crutch by her side.

The crutch is real, as is her desperation. I mean, women can pose however they want but sixty-one-year-old Madge just seems keen on baring herself for attention because there’s no other reason for this.

Perky breasts and a Frozen face. I think she’s Borderline neurotic and needs to take a Holiday from social media. I will Cherish the day when Madonna Louise Ciccone will learn The Power of Goodbye.

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About a month ago, the country group Lady Antebellum announced that they were changing their name to Lady Antebellum because of its association with slavery and would simply go by Lady A from now on.

A hot second later and one Anita White, a blues singer from Seattle, let them know that she is Lady A, and has been using that name forever. So, the group and the Lady Zoomed one and  both made it clear that they’re not going to budge from using the Lady A name and hope to find a way to coexist.

Until the artists formerly known as Landy Antebellum decided to sue the artist always known as Lady A for calling herself Lady A. Lady A, the group, who once said they stood with BLM, is now suing a Black woman, for using Lady A as her stage name. Lady A, the reboot—made up of Hillary Scott, Charles Kelley, and David Haywood—claim they tried to work it out with Lady A but could not and now they would like the court to grant them trademark of the name even though she began using the name years before Lady Antebellum was even around.

Self-entitled country music superstar trying to force a woman to change her stage name because they’re butt-hurt she got it first. Perhaps they should call themselves Lady Asshats?

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Rumor has it that Kanye West’s ALLEGED run for the White House is the result of yet another bipolar meltdown.

Who knew …, well, other than every person on the planet? 

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It’s all about the green as long as you aren’t racist about the Black.

With reality show “stars” Stassi Schroeder and Kristen Doute getting fired from Vanderpump Rules over racist bullying of fellow cast member Faith Stowers, and then fellow castmates, Brett Caprioni and Max Boyens, getting axed for racist Tweets, reality show producers are trying to find a way to stop the fall-out of racism.

And it’s coins. Yes, networks like CBS, MTV, VH1, and others are working to stop racism from tainting their pristine brands by hiring private investigator, Edward Myers, to pick through reality stars’ social media for offensive language. And to top that off, networks are offering “good behavior bonuses” for their “stars” who don’t post their racist shiz online.

Oh, they can still be racist AF, but keep it off the internet and we’ll give you money. Funny, I thought not being racist was just being a decent person, I didn’t know it was away to make a living.

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Although divorced, lovebirds turned hatebirds Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are keeping their story alive by suing one another for every single thing they did while married; seriously, this courtroom saga is longer than their marriage.

We learned that one night, after a bad fight, Amber Heard defecated in Johnny’s bed, and now it’s Amber’s turn, providing photographic evidence that Johnny likes whisky and coke, er, cocaine, and Keith Richards music. Amber photographed Johnny’s party set-up and she also snapped Johnny after he’d passed out post-party.

I don’t know what this is all about, except the two are suing each other for saying slanderous stuff about the other and then go to court to sweat that the slanderous stuff they each said is true.

Can’t they just get a room and scream at one another for ever and leave the rest of us alone?

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Apparently one Kourtney Kardastrophe stepped away from her family’s attempt at fame, AKA Keeping Up with the Kardastrophes, because she ALLEGEDELY wanted to spend more time with her children.

Of course, this was right after the show aired a physical fight between Kourtney and First-Lady-Wannabe-But-Will-Never-Be, Kim, but now, months later, and because she’s not on the show and out of the limelight and doesn’t know how to live like that, Kourtney is talking about leaving the show.

“I have been filming the show non-stop for 14 years … and it became a toxic environment.”

Became? The show was built around Kim’s porn debut and having a mother who sold her daughter’s sex tape for some coins, some fame, and a TV show.

It is built on toxicity, Kourtney, and you’re still in it. It’s in your family’s DNA.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

What do you do when you were a semi-celebrity known for being an anti-vaxxer, and now you’re no longer relevant? Why, you drag your former boss through the mud. Amirite, Jenny McCarthy? Jenny is dishing the dirt from her time on The View, which if I recall correctly, was about ten excruciating minutes six or seven years ago.

McCarthy, out promoting a book called Ladies Who Punch: The Explosive Inside Story Of ‘The View’ compares Barbara Walters to Mommie Dearest and claims there was a power struggle between Whoopi Goldberg and Barbara, with Whoopi basically telling Barbara when and where she could speak.

But Jenny’s first Babs spat was when she guested on the show to promote her book, Louder Than Words: A Mother’s Journey in Healing Autism, and Babs let her have it:

“I walked into her dressing room and she blew up at me. She was screaming, ‘How dare you say this! That autism can be cured?’ My knees were shaking. I remember my whole body was shaking.”

When Jenny said she never used the word cured to describe Evan’s condition, Babs shrieked:

“You’re such a liar!”

Yeah, that totally sounds like Barbara Walters. I mean, because a few years later we’re to believe that Barbara Walters actually hired the liar? Uh huh. Jenny also claims that when rumors swirled that Barbara was ‘retiring” Whoopi was actually pushing her out to pasture … from the show Babs created.

Lastly, Jenny plays the Doddering Barbara card again about the day she mentioned Katy Perry in Hot Topics:

“I saw Barbara’s face with her big saucer eyes look at me, then we went to a commercial. She said, ‘Who is it that you’re talking about and why are you bringing her up?’ And I’m, like, ‘That’s Katy Perry. You interviewed her last week!’”

Jenny admits it was the wrong thing to say and then declares that the other hosts were kicking her under the table because that’s what they did as a signal of how to deal with Barbara. Funny, though, Jenny, that you can totally see under the table and I don’t recall anyone ever kicking you … though I bet they wanted to. But then your memory is probably fuzzy because you only had that job for a hair’s breadth and haven’t really done much since… except “write” a book to make a few coins.

PS Jenny also relays a fabulous story about the time Barbara Walters demanded that she flush a tampon down the toilet.

Tampon is a euphemism for Jenny’s career.

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Oh, those Kardastrophes. They love posting pictures of themselves on social media, but just can’t get the hang of PhotoShop.

This time is lesser known Kardastrophe sister, Kourtney, who has been promoting some mysterious brand of hers called Poosh, and used that picture as her latest promo shot.

Sad thing is that the face seems pasted onto the body, and part of her left leg is missing, and there’s some kind of growth on her hand.

Seriously, can’t That Woman get them an update on PhotoShop?

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Speaking of PhotoShop, Miss Jackson, if your ego is bruised, needs a lesson or two herself.

It appears that Janet Jackson tried to “edit” a poster for this summer’s Glastonbury Festival to give herself top billing ... the original is on the left, the Jackson version is on the right.

Days after the British festival officially announced that the singer had been added to the lineup for the five-day music event—headlined by The Killers and The Cure—Miss Jackson tweeted out an image of the poster that gave herself top billing.

Yes, she did.

Nasty.

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And perhaps Janet or Kourtney could give Michael Feinstein a lesson in Facebooking, after a misleading post by Feinstein left some fans thinking he’d stolen an Oscar from Hollywood royalty, Gay Icon, and Judy’s daughter, Liza Minnelli.

Feinstein and his husband, Terrence Flannery, have been all up in Liza’s business since she moved from New York to Los Angeles four years ago, and on the night of the Oscars this year, Feinstein posted a photo of a gold Oscar statuette and identified it as Vincente Minnelli’s 1959 Best Director Oscar for “Gigi” saying:

“Vincente gifted me this beautiful statue many, many year [sic] ago. It remains on the mantel in my bedroom, so I may appreciate it and Mr. Minnelli’s immense talent, daily.”

Liza fans, or fan, were immediately suspicious since nothing is more sacred to Miss Minelli than her daddy, and his Oscar. Even Liza friends, like pianist Billy Stritch commented:

“Wow I didn’t realize that was your Oscar! So nice of you to let Liza display it in her apartment for all those years. Bet you’re glad to have it back in your bedroom!”

Stritch later deleted the comment; perhaps after Feinstein cleared up the confusion by editing his post to blame an “assistant in my employ” for the “misinformation”:

“The photo was taken a few years ago during construction at Liza’s home. I kept it for safekeeping while workers and strangers had full run of her home during a remodel. Upon construction completion, the Oscar was safely returned to Liza’s possession.”

Wait, so your friend’s house is being remodeled and you ask to hold her Daddy’s Oscar but not Liza FREAKING Minelli?

What kind of old school, gay are you, you monster?

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Roseanne Barr, who lost her career and her TV show for being a racist asshat and has since gone on a world tour blaming anyone and everything for her stupidity, now has a new target: it’s Darlene’s fault.

Yes, Roseanne’s pretend TV daughter, Sara Gilbert, ruined her career and destroyed her life. It wasn’t the Ambien and your talent for talking when you should shut up? What?

Although Roseanne was warned by ABC bigwigs many times about her Twitter usage, even before the reboot aired, she repeatedly ignored requests to shut her effing mouth, and so Sara Gilbert stepped up to end it all for her.

Roseanne says it’s because, on May 29, 2018, about 30 minutes before ABC announced the death of Roseanne, Sara Gilbert tweeted that Barr’s comments were “abhorrent and do not reflect the beliefs of our cast and crew or anyone associated with our show” and that’s what ended it:

“She destroyed the show and my life with that tweet. She will never get enough until she consumes my liver with a fine Chianti.”

Um, Roseanne, do you even know Gilbert? She’s a vegetarian, fer chrissakes!

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It's Snarkurday!

He has a long list of, ahem, “accomplishments,” from singing, rapping, preaching, creating end-of-the-word apocalyptic fashion, but is Kanye West now headed to porn?

It seems the owner Blacked.com, Greg Lansky, has offered Kanye a job directing a porn video and having complete and utter artistic control—scary because, again, I’ve seen his fashion line—perhaps after hearing Kanye admit in a new song how much he’d like to bang those other K.K.’s other than the one he married:

"You got sick thoughts?

I got more of ’em,

You got a sister-in-law you would smash?

I got four of ’em.”

I can see it now, or better yet, I can’t … Kum Klan: Khloe, Kourtney, Kendall and Kylie Do Kanye.

I imagine That Woman will market this one, too.

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Oh Azealia Banks …you act as though you’re some kind of musician, but you’re all hot mess and no tunes.

Banks has been hanging out with Elon Musk]s girlfriend, Grimes,  trying to make “music” but is only causing trouble. See, Azealia claims she was left alone at Musk’s house and became bored … or delusional … or crazy … and took to Instagram to rail against Elon and Grimes for not around.

She brought up his looks; she accused him of Tweeting on acid; there was some stuff about racism, Down Syndrome, threesomes, and emerald mining in Africa during apartheid. You know, general stuff that tumbles out of Banks’ head; but it didn’t end there. Azealia decided she needed to say more about Elon and chose to say them to new gossip rag, Business Insider.

After Elon had Tweeted about taking Tesla private, saying that funding for the company was “secured” a reporter from Business Insider thought maybe Azealia had the deets and messaged her and, again because crazy, delusional, nothing better to do, she replied:

“Yeah I saw him in the kitchen tucking his tail in between his legs scrounging for investors to cover his ass after that tweet. He was stressed and red in the face. He’s not cute at all in person. I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop because I’m truly not that person. I didn’t hear any specifics but I could hear that he was scrambling because he in fact – didn’t have any funding secured.”

Seriously, Business Insider? Your source for scoop on Elon and Tesla is Azealia Banks? I mean, when she’s not getting thrown off airplanes, she’s getting bounced from Russell Crowe’s house, or squatting at Musk’s place, but you think she’s got some Tesla intel?

The best thing of all is that when Business Insider tried to get Elon Musk to comment on Banks’ news, he went all Mimi on JLo:

“I don’t know her.”

Love that!

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Last week, Sean Young, and a 30-year-old male accomplice, got caught stealing two Apple laptops from a production company in Queens. Young claimed that she wasn’t stealing, because she thought the laptops were hers except … after the story broke, and before the cuffs were locked on her wrists, she returned the computers.

The laptops belong to School of Old Productions, which had hired Sean Young …seriously? … to direct a film titled Charlie Boy, written by Greg Kritikos. But, quicker than you can say “Action” Young was, ahem, let go from the production and apparently so were the laptops.

Luckily for Sean, the charges will be dropped as Timothy Hines and the rest of the crew decided that Sean didn’t need to be punished, with Timothy adding:

“We wish Sean the best of luck.”

Greg Kritikos was just as diplomatic shady:

“I’m glad we can finally put this behind us. I wish her all the best. Pray she gets the help she needs.”

She should’a gotten help decades ago, after she appeared on the late Joan Rivers’ talk show dressed as Catwoman because she didn’t think Michelle Pfeiffer was the right choice.

No word on whether or not she donned the catsuit for her late-night laptop break-in.

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Tyrese Gibson, of the Fast and the Furious franchise, used to be hot, but lately you don’t see much about him and he says it’s because of the family drama he was involved in last year.

In 2017, Tyrese was locked in a custody battle with his ex-wife Norma Mitchell over their daughter Shayla that involved into him being investigated for ALLEGED child abuse Norma claimed he spanked Shayla so hard she “couldn’t sit” and that he would steal their daughter and move to Dubai.

And Tyrese didn’t help his case much because he began wearing sweatshirts with Shayla’s name on it, which might have been cute if he hadn’t hired a plane to fly a banner over the girl’s school that read:

“NO MATTER WHAT, DADDY LOVES YOU SHAYLA.”

He and his current wife also dressed all in black for custody hearings because Tyrese claimed it was like going to a funeral. And, ickiest of all is when Tyrese dedicated alive performance of a song to his daughter; the song? Let’s Get It On.

But now Tyrese is playing the poor card saying that because of this custody mess—and his own messiness—he cannot get work and that his income has fallen off by 75%. He only makes $51,000 a month now, y’all, and must pay $10,853 a month in child support. That leaves him with a little over $40,000 a month, or 10K a week and he cannot live on that because his own monthly expenses total $113,000 a month.

Take a seat Tyrese and talk to me when you only have cat food to eat for dinner. $40,000 a month. Time for a fundraiser!

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Isn’t Paris Hilton like 50 now? I mean, she’s been around since dinosaurs roamed the Earth, right?

But, the sad thing—one of the sad things—about Paris is that she’s postponing her marriage to Chris Zylka and she wants you to know that it’s not because they’re breaking up and not at all because she bought her own engagement ring, gave it to him to give to her, and then Instagrammed the “spontaneous” proposal.

And now their November wedding has been pushed back to May because Paris wants more time to plan.

Uh huh. An “escape” plan ... for Zylka.

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According to new revelations, Amber Heard and Johnny Depp’s marriage didn’t fall apart because he’s some wild-eyed addict and she’s a bisexual gold-digger but because of, well, crap.

Actual crap.

The end began when Johnny showed up 2 hours late for Amber’s 30th birthday party and then they each claim they were assaulted by the other. But it turns out it was the marital bed that was assaulted.

Johnny now claims that Amber and her friends “deliberately” soiled the sheets with someone’s face and he wasn’t having it. Amber claims the fecal sheets were an accident made by Boo, their Yorkie, but, and this is a real story, y’all, the housekeeper who cleaned the poo says it was far too big to have come from a little dog.

And now a source close to Johnny says there is “strong, photographic evidence that connected Amber to the feces” and it was left as a “prank”.

Gosh, these two kids were perfect for each other. Too bad they couldn’t have worked it out and crapped their sheets all over the world.

Seriously. These two need to sit down.

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It's Snarkurday!

Like a certain president, Harvey Weinstein does not know when to shut his piehole and simply read the prepared statement. He’s now claiming #FakeNews to a story that he admitted to giving women roles in his films in exchange for sex. But if you listen to his story, he kinda admits it’s true:

“I was born poor, ugly, Jewish and had to fight all my life to get somewhere … no girl looked at me until I made it big in Hollywood. Yes I did offer them acting jobs in exchange for sex, but so did and still does everyone. But I never, ever forced myself on a single woman.”

He doesn’t seem to get it that telling a woman she has to allow you to get naked and put your cheese-filled body on top of hers and rub your wee willie into her nether regions so she can act in one of your films is kinda forcing a woman to do that very thing; especially when you throw in that “You’ll never work in this town again” business.

The moral: Harvey Weinstein is a pig who’s yet to realize he’s a pig.

Maybe prison will help?

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Remember when it was rumored that Ewan McGregor was bumping uglies with his Fargo co-star, Mary Elizabeth Winstead? And then Ewan admitted he was cheating on his wife? And then he and Mary Elizabeth went public with their affair? And then Winstead broke things off because the press called her a “homewrecker” which is what you call someone who has an affair with a married person and, ahem, wrecks their home? And then Ewan filed for divorce from Eve Mavrakis, his wife of 22 years, and Winstead decided that she wouldn’t be labeled a “homewrecker” any more and went back to Ewan.

Well, Ewan’s 22-year-old daughter, Clara, that’s her up there coming between the lovebirds, decided that Winstead should still wear the Scarlet A and has been trolling the actress on social media. Clara sipped some tea and then dashed over to an Instagram fan page for Mary Elizabeth and commented:

“Most beautiful and talented woman on earth? … Oh man y’all are delusional. The girl is a piece of trash…x”. 

I love the little ‘x’ at the end because it says so much more than ‘kisses’.

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It looks like the No-Longer-A-Countess Luann de Lesseps should have gone to Not Being A Terrible Mother Rehab after she got out of Drunk In Public Rehab.

Luann is now being sued by her ex-husband, Still-A-Count Alexandre de Lesseps and their two children, Victoria and Noel. The three claim that as part of the 2009 divorce settlement, Luann was supposed to have set up a trust for the kids, and when she sold the family home in Water Mill was to put half that money in the trust.

But they say Luann kept the cash for herself … because booze and lawyers don’t come cheap.

Maybe I spoke too soon? The minute I finished writing that snark, I learned that the No-Longer-A-Countess Luann de Lesseps has checked herself back into rehab and will not be at the Real Housewives reunion.

Luann, who has also been accused this month of having an affair with her married manager, will be absent from the show, leaving former foe, former frenemy, and current bestie Bethenny “Never One To Stop Talking” Frankel to speak for her—apparently Frankel has added spokesperson to the SkinnyGirl empire:

“This weekend, Luann was surrounded by her girlfriends and decided—with their support—that in light of recent circumstances, it is the healthiest choice for her not to attend Tuesday’s reunion taping so that she can continue in her healing process. Luann is now surrounded by a core group of people who truly have her best interests at heart and who are working to make sure she gets the help she needs.”

That’s mighty brave … of Bethenny. I mean, it was an entire paragraph and she didn’t mention her contentious divorce, her custody battle, her dead friendship with Carole, or SkinnyGirl, even once.

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Last week, Blake Shelton was performing in concert and announced to the crowd that his guitarist had embarrassed himself in front of 200,000 people by playing the wrong song.

Then, as Shelton does, he embarrassed himself because he fell onstage; he didn’t trip, y’all, he just tumbled. And then said:

“And yes I had been drinking. A lot…”

Boy, I love spending my hard-earned coins from my job as a Walmart greeter to plunk down a hundred bucks to see some drunk guy fall down onstage. I mean, why not save some cash, buy a fifth of bourbon, play Blake’s music in my living room and drink till I pass out.

It’d be the same thing. Amirite?

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I’ve often said I’d marry Matt Lauer just so I could walk away a multi-millionaire when he gets caught being a sexual predator, but that bitch Annette Roque beat me to the punch.

Last I heard, Annette was said to be walking away from Pervy Lauer with four of the family homes and cash winnings of $20 million. Well, the divorce is settled, and it appears that Annette has won $50 million in cash and prizes … a horse farm, a house in the Hamptons, two other homes, and over $25 million in unmarked bills.

The best news? Lauer is said to be furious about the deal because Annette is getting half of his estimated fortune of $100 million.

Oh, Matty, you should’a kept your dick in your pants, your mouth shut and your hands to yourself. Ass.

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This is filed under the You Knew What You Were Getting When You Started Dating a Kardastrophe, AKA the Stop Acting Stoopid file.

Younes Bendjima, Kourtney Kardastrophe’s boyfriend, got his panties in a bunch when he began taking a stroll through his media whore girlfriend’s social media pages and discovered Kourtney loves to show her ass on the internet.

And.He.Was.Shocked. He saw the photo and commented:

“That’s what you need to show to get likes?”

No, that’s what she needs to show so That Woman will cut her a check every month because her only job is as a social media nude model.

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And lastly, let’s end with one of the dumbest people I’ve ever heard of: Wiz Khalifa.

Apparently, he was on some chat show and said that a straight man should never eat a whole banana in public because it’s “sus,” meaning “suspect”, meaning it looks like he has a dick in his mouth.

Seriously. Um, Wiz, eating a banana whole does not make you gay. Taking a banana and shoving it up your ass might mean your gay, though, so be careful about that. M’kay?

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