Showing posts with label Nixon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nixon. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 21, 2026
Monday, November 11, 2024
What Happens Now? by Andy Borowitz
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From Andy Borowitz at The Borowitz Report printed as is except for the removal of that name: Maybe you’ve been asking yourself: 1. “How could Donald Trump have won 51 percent of the
popular vote?” 2. “How hard is it to immigrate to New Zealand?” 3. “What the actual fuck?” Fair questions. Let’s try a thought experiment. Could
Tuesday’s election results have been any worse? Well, what if, instead of 51%, the Republican nominee had
won 59%? Or 61%? And what if he had won 49 states? Those aren’t hypotheticals. Those were the results of the
1972 and 1984 landslides that reelected Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan. With thumping victories like those, what could possibly go
wrong for the winners? If history’s any guide, some nasty surprises await ______
_____. In 1972, the Democratic presidential nominee, George
McGovern, won just 37.5 percent of the vote, carrying only Massachusetts and
the District of Columbia for a total of 17 Electoral College votes. He didn’t
even win his home state, South Dakota. In 1984, Democrat Walter Mondale did carry his native
Minnesota, but that was as good as it got for him. In the Electoral College, he
fared even worse than McGovern, with a whopping 13 votes. In the aftermath of these thrashings, the Democratic Party
lay in smoldering ruins, and Republicans looked like indestructible conquerors. Now, some might argue that those GOP victories, though
statistically more resounding than _____’s, weren’t nearly as alarming, because
he’s a criminal and wannabe autocrat. But _____’s heinousness shouldn’t make us nostalgic for
Nixon and Reagan. They were also criminals—albeit unindicted ones. And they
were up to all manner of autocratic shit—until they got caught. The Watergate scandal was only one small part of the
sprawling criminal enterprise that Nixon directed from the Oval Office in order
to subvert democracy. For his part, Reagan’s contribution to the annals of
presidential crime, Iran-Contra, broke myriad laws and violated Constitutional
norms. The hubris engendered by both men’s landslides propelled
them to reckless behavior in their second terms—behavior that came back to
haunt them. Nixon was forced to resign the presidency; Reagan was lucky to
escape impeachment. Of course, _____ would be justified in believing that no
matter how reckless he becomes, he’ll never pay a price. He’s already been
impeached—twice—only to be acquitted by his Republican toadies in the Senate.
And now that the right-wing supermajority of the Supreme Court has adorned him
with an immunity idol, he’ll likely feel free to commit crimes that Nixon and
Reagan could only dream of. Who’ll stop him from using his vast power to
persecute his voluminous list of enemies? Well, the enemy most likely to thwart _____ in his second
term might be one who isn’t on his list: himself. The seeds of _____’s downfall
may reside in two promises he made to win this election: the mass deportation
of immigrants and the elimination of inflation. _____’s concept of a plan to deport 20 million immigrants is
as destined for success as were two of his other brainchildren, _____
University and _____ Steaks. The US doesn’t have anything approaching the
law-enforcement capacity to realize this xenophobic fever dream. And as for _____’s war on inflation, the skyrocketing prices
caused by his proposed tariffs will make Americans nostalgic for pandemic-era
price-gouging on Charmin. It's possible that _____’s 24/7 disinformation machine, led
by Batman villains Rupert Murdoch, Tucker Carlson, and Elon Musk, will prevent
his MAGA followers from ever discovering that 20 million immigrants didn’t go
anywhere. And it’s possible that if inflation spikes, he’ll find a scapegoat
for that. (Nancy Pelosi? Dr. Fauci? Taylor Swift?) And, yes, it’s possible that _____ will somehow accomplish
his goal of becoming America’s Kim Jong Un, and our democracy will go belly-up
like the _____ Taj Mahal casino in Atlantic City. But I wouldn’t bet on it. I tend to agree with the British
politician Enoch Powell (1912-1998), who observed that all political careers
end in failure. I doubt that _____, with his signature blend of inattention,
impulsiveness, and incompetence, will avoid that fate. And when the ketchup hits the fan, the MAGA movement may
suddenly appear far more fragmented and fractious than it does this week. You
can already see the cracks. Two towering ignoramuses like Marjorie Taylor
Greene and Lauren Boebert should be BFFs, but they despise each other—the only
policy of theirs I agree with. If things really go south, expect MAGA Republicans to devour
each other as hungrily as the worm who feasted on RFK Jr.’s brain—and that, my
friends, will be worth binge-watching. I’m stocking up on popcorn now before _____flation
makes it unaffordable. One parting thought. Post-election, the mainstream media’s
hyperbolic reassessment of _____—apparently, he’s now a political genius in a
league with Talleyrand and Metternich—has been nauseating. It’s also insanely
short-sighted. Again, a look at the not-so-distant past is instructive. In 1984, after Reagan romped to victory with 59 percent of
the popular vote and 525 electoral votes, Reaganism was universally declared an
unstoppable juggernaut. But only two years later, in the 1986 midterms,
Democrats proved the pundits wrong: they regained control of both the House and
Senate for the first time since 1980. Those majorities enabled them to slam the
brakes on Ronnie’s right-wing agenda, block the Supreme Court nomination of
Robert Bork, and investigate Iran-Contra. The lesson of the 1986 midterms is clear: the game’s far
from over and there’s everything to play for. If we want to stem the tide of
autocracy and kleptocracy, restore women’s rights and protect the most
vulnerable, we don’t have the luxury of despair. The work starts now. |
Sunday, September 13, 2020
Sunday, May 26, 2019
Sunday, November 18, 2018
Sunday, February 04, 2018
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