Why Is It ...

… that people don’t understand that I am fully aware of how annoying I can be but that’s their problem and not mine.

… that there is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul … especially when it’s over ice with a celery stalk and vodka.

… that I shout “not friendly” when people approach me while out walking and I don’t have a dog; I’m talking about me.

… that when I call in sick to work never ask me what’s wrong; I’m sick of y’all, that’s what.

… that no one realizes that my toxic trait is that you cannot threaten me with screenshots of what I said. I said what I said. Get me a microphone and I’ll say it again.

… that try as I might I cannot find bug repellent that works on people.

… that if you text me and I text right back do not ever assume you can call me because you know my phone is in my hand. I will call the police.

… that I tell people I’m vegan … well, a social vegan … I avoid meet.

… that Carlos still hasn’t learned that when I suggest we play doctor what I mean is that he go sit in another room for an hour while I read.

… that I didn’t know life was gonna be like this? Had I known I would have gotten a job and bought a house in first grade.

Why Is It ...

… that it’s okay for a cat to run and hide  under a bed when visitors come by but when I do it it’s “rude” and “antisocial.”

… that most people don’t realize  that, unfortunately, I always have something smart to say.

… that no one realizes that I don’t miss calls, I stare at them.

… that some days the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.

… that no one believes me when I say that I will cut back on my sarcasm and only use it on days that begin with a T … like Tuesday or Thursday … Today and Tomorrow

.... that I have yet to learn that I shouldn’t sit on the floor without a solid plan on how to get up

... that people need to learn that while I am not easily offended, I am also easily annoyed.

… that people forget that the day they handed out patience  I left early because it was taking too long.

… that my boss said to me, ‘What are you doing?’ And I replied that I was watching a tutorial on effectively dealing with co-workers, and he said, ‘That’s a kickboxing video.’ And I said, ‘I know.’

… that I often wonder what the other me’s are up to in those other dimensions.

Why Is It ...

… that talking to a new person isn’t exciting anymore because I realize I probably won’t even remember them in a week.

… that people don’t understand that my life would be less stressful if I had my own deserted island.

… that sometimes I find a random screw lying around my house and I just assume it’s from my life falling apart.

… that no one remembers that my phone is always in my hand so if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

… that when I tell someone “I swear on my life,” they are apt to reply, “I’ve seen your life, swear on something else.”

… that I am based on a true story.

… that when I sing, “when I think about you I touch myself,” what I really mean is I am rubbing my temples because you’re giving me a f**king migraine.

… that when I say “the other day” that could mean anytime between yesterday and my birth.

… when I think of how 2025 is going for me, I think in terms of a movie … written by Stephen King, directed by Tarantino and the music by Yoko Ono.

… that I am at that age where every morning my body whispers, ‘Don’t do that again.’

Why Is It ...

… that I just found out that the neighborhood had a meeting about that crazy old man and I wasn’t invited.

… that I need to remind people to drink water and mind their own damn business.

… that when someone asks me how strong I like my coffee I always say, “I want it to show up in a drug test.”

… that I have to put on a seatbelt but the garbage man gets to hang off the back of the truck.

… that people don’t understand that due to not wanting to, I will not be.

… that if I offended you with any of my social media posts, I sincerely apologize. I did not think you could read.

… that I hate when people call my phone; surely they know I don’t use it for that.

… that my boss doesn’t understand that I should be getting paid extra at work just for being the funny one.

… that if I knew then what I know now, I would have stayed strangers with a lot of people.

Why Is It ...

… that I feel the need to tell anyone that I offended this year that they need to work on themselves so I don’t have to repeat myself in 2025.

… that every time I complain about an escape room sucking, the nurses remind me that i'm in the psych ward.

… I feel the need to wear many hats at work … Chaos Coordinator, Mischief Manager and Supervisor of Shenanigans.

… that I realize not that I’ve reached that age where I appreciate a nice handrail.

… that I need y’all to know that if I die choking on a Gummy Bear please tell everyone I was killed by a bear and say no more.

… that when a neighbor says Hi to me I tell Carlos we need to move.

… that people look shocked when they ask me if I skateboard or snowboard and I tell them I charcuterie board.

… that my friends still don’t get it that you should never put me on speaker phone. EVER!

… that I keep looking for the Adult Elf on the Shelf that moves around the house at night mopping floors, doing laundry or taking out the trash.

… that before I Agree to 2025, I’d need to read the Terms and Conditions.

Meme Dump

Why Is It ...

… that my phone won't auto correct when I have caps lock on? Is it because it assumes I’m angry and doesn't want to get involved?

… that my boss doesn’t get it that I don’t listen. I just smile and nod and hope for the best?

… that sometimes I’ll read a text and think ‘What a psycho’ and then I press ‘Send.’

… that when I offered a friend a sincere compliment on their mustache, she suddenly decided not to be friends anymore?

… that when I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so those behind can see it’s not my fault.

… that exercise and extra fries sound so much alike. It’s a plot.

… that when I put thing away in the cupboards I forget where they are, but if I leave it all on the counter I get overwhelmed.

… that the first shot of liquor is so nasty and the next thing you know, so am I?

Why Is It ...

… that I can’t recognize letters under a certain font size, but I can spot an idiot at fifty yards?

… that some people think that if I loved them once I will always love them? I’m not Whitney Houston.

… that speaking my mind is easy, but speaking it tactfully is sometimes hard?

… that as I get older I tell people my body is a temple? Cuz it’s ancient and crumbling and probably cursed or haunted.

… that whenever anyone tries to explain the rules of a card game I literally black out?

… that I give advice but always end it with “I don’t know though”? Cuz if my advice ruins your life it isn’t my fault. I said, “I don’t know!”

… that I start nearly every phone call with “My phone’s about to die? So  I can hang up on you when I get bored.

… that as I get older my friend circle becomes more of a dot?

… that people text me these idiotic abbreviations like “GM” and don’t get it when I respond, “Well, General Motors” to you, too?

… that my best method of multi-tasking is to listen, ignore and then forget all at the same time?

… that lately I’ve been turning off the news and watching serial killer documentaries just to relax?

Bobservations

Not so much a Carlos story, but he’s in it … a lot.

Last week I drove him up to the Lancaster Country Courthouse for an interpretation. I waited in the hall while he did his thang, and when it was over he walked outside with one of the attorneys who asked him for a business card. Then the lawyer said:

“Gimme your number and I’ll shoot you a text.”

I died a little; we are not phone people, and while we have cell phones we have … wait for it … it’s epic … it’s so last century … we have flip phones. Now, that’s fine for me being that I enjoy, er, enjoyed, being a luddite.

Anyway, I suggested to Carlos that we look into getting him a smartphone so that he can use it for business—Tax Deduction!—and he contacted AT&T who we bundle our “stuff” with. Turns out we have been such good customers, we were able to get two phones with a nice little package and our monthly bundle will would only … go down by about $25 a month.

And that’s how, in the Year of our Good Lord He Finally Upgraded, Carlos and I have iPhones.

Now the hardest part was trying to make Carlos, whose one bad habit is that he thinks he knows everything and doesn’t need to read instructions or take his time, slow down and not fuck this up.

It’s a process.

Ain’t it funny how government—made up of mostly old white men who think they control the bodies of more than half the electorate—works?

Two GOP Senators Dan Sullivan and Marco Rubio posted about the passing of Congressman John Lewis last week. It was nice, except they each posted pictures of themselves with Not-John-Lewis, but with Elijah Cummings.

It looks like Sullivan and Rubio fit the description as morons and asshats.

When it rains …and boy, did it rain on Monday. I had to run into work in the early afternoon for a few minutes and as I was getting ready to go, we had a massive thunderstorm in town. Carlos asked me not to go out in bad weather and I reminded him that I’ve been driving for well over 100 years and could handle a little rain.

BOOOOOOM! A massive lightning strike hit close to our house and Carlos claimed it was God agreeing with him while I said it was the Goddess agreeing with me; so out I went.

Well, the strike was, in fact, awfully close to the house and fried our DVR. No big; a quick call to AT&T and a new one was sent out … and arrived less than 24 hours later, how’s that for service?

But … I came back from work and did a few things on the computer before dinner. Then we ate and after that I went back to the computer and … no internet.

Luckily, again, it was a minor fix—some kerfuffle about a battery and a loose cable or maybe hamsters getting off their wheel—and we were back online, until ….

The next morning the AC went out; the fan was blowing but the AC was not in attendance … on a day when the weather would hit in the high 90s and higher humidity.

Luckily, again, a repairman came out and fixed that in a jiffy; we still need a servicing done, and a new computer board, but we’re back to living cool and easy.

Until that next storm???

Let this sink in … Jenna Ellis, a top _____ campaign adviser appeared on the Russian-government funded TV network RT, which U.S. intelligence agencies have said played a role in the Kremlin’s plans to undermine American democracy.

During her interview, Ellis defended _____’s handling of the coronavirus pandemic, bashed the American media as “propagandist activist media” and claimed Fox News—the news network most friendly to the president—of having an anti-Trump bias.

Why in the world is a _____ advisor campaigning for _____ in Russia?

Missouri Governor Mike Parson has announced that he will likely pardon Mark and Patricia McCloskey, AKA Ken and Karen, that white St. Louis couple who came out of their houses armed with guns and aimed them at peaceful BLM protestors in the street.

White couple pardoned for threatening Black protestors.

Racist governor.

Jim Justice, what a misnomer that is, is listed in Forbes magazine as a billionaire. He is also the richest man in West Virginia and governor of that state. In addition, he owns a vast array of businesses—coal mines, resort hotels and agricultural interests—many of them regulated by the state agencies he now runs.

Please explain then, why companies owned by Jim Justice and his family received up to $24 million from one of the federal government’s key coronavirus economic relief programs.

Oh yeah … Republican … Swamp … Liar … Thief. And a billionaire with his hand out for that guv’mint check.

Eyal Berkover is an Israeli model and actor and TV personality and an all-around hot slab of meat who seems to enjoy wearing as little as possible.

And I’m fine with that.

Tuesday Thought #3

Note to Job Applicants: Don't Text Nude Selfies to HR Manager

I am not a phone person. I do not need nor want the latest gimmick-y gadget-y phone. I have a cell phone that makes and receives phone calls and, I think, it takes pictures, though I use another device, called a camera, for that.

I don’t play games; I don’t Google on my phone, or Facebook or Tweet or Instagram on my phone. Nor do I take selfies — even with the aforementioned camera.

But even if I did, I wouldn’t be this guy …

Shortly after being offered a job, an Illinois man texted two selfies — two nude ­selfies, and ALLEGEDLY by accident — to the Human Resources manager who had recently interviewed him and was interested in hiring him.

It was only when the man called the company to follow-up on his interview that the HR manager recognized the number as the same one that sent the nudie pics and called the police.

Cuz that’s a crime, you know.

The Elmhurst police say the man "admitted to sending the photographs, explaining they were actually meant for another individual and were sent to the victim in error" and the HR manager decided not to not press any charges.

The police told the man to never contact her again.

Oh, and the job offer was rescinded.

That could never happen to me. Just sayin’.

NBC News

Random Musings

So, Vicki Reveron stopped into her regular Starbucks for her morning half-decaf-half-caf-low-foam-skim-milk-no-cinnamon-frappucino, or probably something very similar, and discovered what she says was a nasty word scrawled on the cup.

Bitch.

"It says b--ch, my name is not b--ch, it's Vicki," Reveron said.

Well, Vicki, maybe to some, it's both. What I'm saying is, take your cup and your complaint to the manager of the Starbucks, and then go to another Starbucks from now on; I'm guessing there's one on the opposite side of the street.

Why go to the media? Why do people think every little thing that happens to them is a news story or a lawsuit?

Bi......well, you know.

You gotta love ministers, preaching the word of god, and those, what are they, ten things you're not supposed to do? Like not committing adultery or murder. Even I know about those two.

But, Tracy Bernard Burleson, a 44-year-old Houston pastor, is facing capital murder charges for the murder of his wife, Pauletta Burleson, who was shot in the back of the head, allegedly by her stepson, William Fuller.

Here's where it gets sticky: Fuller, who is also charged with murder, insists his father hired him to commit the murder, but then it gets much for complicated than that.

It seems both the pastor and his son were schtupping the same woman, 32-year-old Tyonne Palmer. Fuller had been living with Palmer, who was caring for him after he was diagnosed with sickle cell anemia. But, during the murder investigation, it was discovered that Palmer was dating Fuller and his daddy, the pastor.

What;'s that commandment about not schtupping the same woman as your son, while you're still married and then asking your son to kill your wife?

Note to Gay men: "Fierce" is over.

In fact, it was over right about the time that Christian Siriano said it for the eight millionth time on Project Runway....Season Four....Episode One.

Oh, another athlete has uttered the word "faggot" and once again we're all riled up. Philadelphia Flyer Wayne Simmonds called Sean Avery that word during a game and we're all demanding an apology. Be prepared for the non-apology-apology we'll get: "I'm sorry if I offended you....Some of my best friends are gay....i meant no disrespect...." Blibbety blah blay blue knock it the fuck off."

But then, the NHL decided not to investigate the utterance because there are "sonflicting accounts of what transpired on the ice."

Um, NHL? Anyone? Why don't you simply look at the videotape, like the rest of the world has done?

See, even with the sound off, and not being a professional lip-reader, I can tell when someone says "fucking faggot."

Pat Robertson says Halloween is Satan's holiday, and my question is, "Why does Pat Robertson get his own holiday?"

Apparently there's a new phone app to determine if your son is gay. Yes, you ask questions like, Does he like football? because gay men, you know, don't like football. You ask if your son has an authoritative father because, you know, gay men don't. Or, you ask, why the hell would you ask your phone if your son is gay? Why not ask yourself why you would use some asinine app?

I was reading an hysterical article in Entertainment Weekly in which Jeff Probst, host of 'Survivor', talks about how "real" his show is. Real? Let's see, they take groups of people they've specifically chosen because Probst, and the producers, believe they make good TV, and drop them off in a remote location after a team of engineers has been to that location to, according to Probst, "create roads, clear paths, set up the beaches, camera tents, caterinf, offices."Real? Then Probst says how the weather, that real weather, impacts the show, because, when it rains, and the weather gets ugly, Jeff Probst pushes to start filming.Um, Jeff? That's not real. That's orchestrated and planned and organized and built. That's you and your team turning a jungle or a desert into a rpistine spot for people to play games.
Real? Hardly.

First Dumb [Ginger McGuire] And Now Dumber [Lauren Rosenberg]

Y'all remember the story from the other day? About Ginger McGuire? The dimwit who fell asleep on a plane and got locked in and is now suing the airline for false imprisonment? That dimwit?

Turns out we have another one.

Lauren Rosenberg, a California woman, is suing Google after she was hit by a car while following directions provided by Google Maps on her cell phone.

Lauren Rosenberg says that the Google Maps BlackBerry application told her to use Deer Valley Drive--a highway also known as Utah State Route 224--to walk from one Park City address to another.

But, and this is where Lauren Rosenberg should have put down her BlackBerry and opened her damned eyes, the Google directions did not tell her that there were no sidewalks along Deer Valley Drive, which, Lauren Rosenberg claims, caused her to be struck by a car.

Because her phone didn't tell her that she wasn't on a sidewalk.

According to the complaint filed in Park County district court: "As a direct and proximate cause of Defendant Google's careless, reckless and negligent providing of unsafe directions, Plaintiff Lauren Rosenberg was led onto a dangerous highway, and was thereby stricken by a motor vehicle, causing her to suffer severe permanent physical, emotional and mental injuries."

Not to mention that she wasn't looking where she was going.

Lauren Rosenberg is asking Google to pay all of her medical expenses in addition to punitive damages and loss of earnings. But, because Lauren Rosenberg apparently likes to sue as much as she likes to rely on a cell phone to tell her there are sidewalks, she is also suing the driver of the vehicle.

Now, to be fair, Google Maps does warn users about walking directions on its version for computers--"Walking directions are in beta. Use caution--This route may be missing sidewalks or pedestrian paths"--but the mobile version of Google Maps does not come with the warning.

But, um, shouldn't Lauren Rosenberg have come with a warning? Like: this woman is an idiot. Stand back at least ten feet.

Seriously. I think Lauren Rosenberg and Ginger McGuire ought to get together and discuss which one is dumber. That conversation ought to keep them busy for years.

You are.
No. You are.
No, You are.
No. You are.
No. You are.
No, You are.
No. You are.
No. You are.No, You are.
No. You are.
No. You are.
No, You are.
No. You are.

Quiet Please, There's A Lady Onstage!

You go, Adam!

A Miracle In Smallville

On Saturday, Carlos and I were dragged kicking and screaming deeper and deeper into the 21st century. We had the good folks at AT&T bundle--sounds like a Christmas gift, huh?--our cell phones, house phones, internet service and cable TV in one feel swoop.

It'll actually cost us less each month ::::Bonus:::: and, to top it off, we get this thing they call a DVR or some-such. It hooks up to the TV and records the programs digitally; now, I won't miss one second of Lost, and I can backtrack to see if that really is a smoke monster. No more choosing between modern Family and Glee--although it isn't really a choice....I'm a Gleek. But, and this is where the witchcraft comes in, you can pause your regular TV if you, say, get a phone call, or want something from the kitchen, or need a bathroom break, and then you can start it up again. RIGHT.WHERE.YOU.LEFT.OFF!!!

It's a Christmas Miracle.

Then, while glancing through our new channels--and we got just the basic package--there are like 500 channels, and, well, Bruce is right.....nothing's on. But then I stopped at one channel and discovered there is a whole channel devoted to the, ahem, Gays. That's right. FagTV. Or the QueerNet....No, Logo. Yeah, Logo, which I never knew was a gay word!

We are catching up with the rest of the world. Smallville rules!

Summing Up Sunday

Well, another weekend has come and gone and Monday is here, hotter than hell already!

One day, while we were having the house painted, there was a knock at the front door. A pleasant looking woman stood there, clipboard in hand and asked for either me or Carlos by name.

I asked what she needed and she said she was here from the County tax assessment office to measure our pool. Our. Pool.

I was a bit taken aback, because, well, although we've only lived here two years I was nearly 100% certain that we didn't have a pool. And I told Pleasant Looking Woman just that.

Are you sure?

Well, I said, if we had a pool you would have found me in it by now.

I wish we had a pool today!

____________________

Yesterday we went to see the new Harry Potter movie. It was good; I always like Harry Potter, mostly because I spend the rest of the day walking around and saying Pott-ah for no reason. But it really felt like it was merely a set-up to the next two, the last two, movies to come. Good, not great.

Now, however, as we're sitting there, waiting for the film to start, they flash the Silence Your Cell Phones Now Please sign on the screen. I was thrilled to see the woman next to me open her purse, scoop out her phone and, well, not turn it off, but turn off the ringer. Silence. I get it now. I was ready to thank her because it always seems that a phone goes off in the movie theater these days.

But, during the movie, she must have opened her purse ten or fifteen times to see if she'd gotten a call. And every time that bag opened and she checked her phone, a light so bright poured out of her purse I thought that I was Carol Ann and it was Poltergeist.

Go into the light, Carol Ann. Go into the light.

I was a'scurred a'that light.

_________________________

Carlos made his delicioso Banana/Walnut pancakes for breakfast.

Carlos took me to the movies.

Carlos made dinner. [Although to be fair the chicken was a little undercooked and had to be grilled a bit longer.]

Carlos cleaned the kitchen.

Carlos cleaned the bathroom.

I played Queen For A Day.

Carlos is still paying for Chicken-Carlos-Car Accident.

I am still not at liberty to say more.

______________________

I watched the Next Food Network Star.

Debbie got booted. I hate Debbie.

She's a liar. She's a crier.

One challenge was a group challenge and she was in charge of the cash. At the grocery store they came in over-budget and she made everyone on her team put something back while she kept all her ingredients. Then she lied to the judges about it and cried that they would question her integrity.

She was on another group challenge and only worked on her food while the rest of the team worked together and worked the room. She cried then, too.

Last week she was told she had to use anchovies, olives and capers in her food. She forgot the capers and, when questioned, she, oh, I don't know, lied about having to use capers. She said they were in the dressing; she said she didn't have capers; she said she forgot them.

Lied. Integrity. Cried.

Buh-bye Debbie.

_________________

Design Star.

Nathan is just the cutest little thing. I want to carry him around in my pocket and then take him out whenever I need a smile. He is so adorkable. Carlos doesn't get adorkable, but if he gets me Nathan for Christmas it'll be. The. Best. Christmas. Ever.

And then there's Dan.

The Man.

I want Dan to come redo my kitchen all by himself and let me watch. And as he works and works and bends over and wears those jeans for weeks on end, I'll watch.

Then, when he's done, I'll say something like, You know, I think Asian Modern was the wrong way to go. Can we change to Tuscan-French Country.

And he'd work. and I'd watch. And he'd finish. And I'd say.

I'm not really feeling the Tuscan-French Country. How about New York Loft-slash-Bible Belt Chic?

And it goes on.