Why Is It ...

… that my friends need to know if I don’t answer the phone, do not re-call me because I will re-not answer.

… that I’m at that age where my mind believes I’m 29, while my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the Civil War?

… that no one understands that giving a fuck doesn’t go with my outfit?

… that when I pass away I need all my friends to sleep at the graveyard because y’all can’t leave me alone all night with people I don’t know.

… that I have a “Why am I like this” moment at least six times a day?

… that every time I have a work dream I wake up in the morning and call out because I’m not working twice in the same day.

Seven Things

I settled in last night, as is my usual, to watch a little RuPaul's Drag Race, and I was startled to see so many drag queens on the stage. I thought we were down to nine, but there was about fifteen of them on the stage, and one on the couch talking to.......oh......it wasn't the Drag Race? It was The Bachelor: The Women Tell All? Forgive me, it's sometimes hard to tell the difference between men dressed as women with big fake breasts and too much make-up and a bunch of man-hungry women on a TV whore show selling themselves to a guy they've never met.

American Idol starts tonight with the Final 24. Not to be confused with the Hollywood Week 186; or the Last Chance 77; or the Final 12; or the Final 10 who get to go on tour. So many finals. but I'll watch. i have a wee crush on that dirty-blond-haired boy. Dirty. Blond.

Carlos and I sat down to watch Swimming With Sharks over the weekend on the DVR-licious thing. If you haven't seen it before, it stars Kevin Spacey and Frank Whaley. Kevin is the boos from hell, a Hollywood studio exec and Frank is his new assistant who suffers the abuses of his boss. About halfway through I turned to Carlos and said, "This is The Devil Wears Prada and Kevin is Meryl, and Frank is Anne!" Sharks was Prada with a little beating and murder thrown in for good measure.

Dick Cheney is hospitalized again for heart trouble. How this is possible for a man with no heart is beyond me. But I wish him no ill-will, I just wish the Wizard would give him a new heart and get it over with. Of course, while he's at it, the Wizard could give Liz a brain. Just sayin'.

I don't know about the rest of you, but Scott Brown, that new Cosmo Senator from Massachusetts, seems to be doing what he was elected to do: represent the people of Massachusetts. Maybe his election wasn't such a bad thing after all. I'm tentatively cautious.

Somehow I missed this, perhaps because Mitt Romney looks like a Flintstone cartoon character....Mitt Rockney? But, when he was a CPAC he gave one of his WTF speeches. No, he wasn't asking WTF; people in the crowd, and those of us who read it, were asking WTF. Rockney said:“Americans will not endure government-run health care, a new and expensive entitlement, an inexplicable and surely vanishing cut in Medicare, and an even greater burden of taxes.” And then he spoke of his hero, George W Bush.

Really. But see, here's' the rub: as Americans we already "endure" government-run health care, like, um, say, Medicare, Medicaid and the veterans’ health system. And as for those “new and expensive entitlements,” Mitt's mancrush, W, created a $550 billion one in 2003--and added it to the national debt.

Mitt Romney. I used to think he was handsome and stupid, now he's just stupid.

Last month I was in need of some new duds, so i decided to see what was out there. There isn't much to choose from in Smallvile, unless you count WalMart as your fashion HQ. I don't. But we do have a Belk, right here in town. I decided to give them a try. Nice store. Belk.

I found some pants, shirts, sweaters and a belt, and, laden down with goodies, I went off to the cashier.

Would you like to apply for a Belk card?

No, thank you.

If you apply today you can use it on these purchases and get an extra 15% off."

Booooiiiinnnnnnngggggg!!!!! An extra 15%? The shirt was 35% off; sweaters, too. The pants were half off.....my ass....but I kid, they were marked down 50%. An extra 15% would be a Martha Stewart Good Thing.

Sign me up. Savings is my middle name!

Slam Bam ThanK You Ma'am. Pants, shirts, sweaters, belt for $90.01!

So, the bill comes, and I decide to pay online. I head to the Belk website and realize I needed to activate the card they sent me in order to pay the account. I got the card, and got on the phone. They wanted the card number, the last 4 digits of my social, and could I squeeze a drop of blood into the receiver for the Belk DNA databank.

I kid. But it could happen.

I entered all the numerical info and got the dreaded Please wait for the next available operator. I wait, and then this man comes on and tries to sell me the Belk credit insurance plan.

No thanks. I just wanted to activate my card.

But, sir, if you were to lose your job and be unable to pay--

No thanks. I just want to activate the card so I can pay off this purchase. I am not interested in the insurance plan.

But, sir, I know none of us plans on losing their jobs, but if, god forbid, it happens--

Look. Brian? Is it? I have a head cold. I am oozing phlegm from every orifice in my body right now and the last thing I need is to argue with a voice on the phone about whether or not I may or may not lose my job in the future. Now, if you want to keep your job, and not have me ask for your supervisor, you'll understand that when a client says "No thank you": you take that and say "Have a good day, sir."

Have a good day, sir.

You, too. Brian.

Moral of the story is two-fold:

Number One: Fifteen percent off items already marked down is dee-lightful.

And 'B': Don't piss off a queen with a head cold.

Tidbits

Carlos is mowing the front yard and I'm working inside for a few minutes.....blogging....but, hey, what he don't know....yada yada yada.

Joy, over at BabbleOn, left me a comment on one of my posts that she needed a Carlos story because the news this week, with the hate crimes and the murders and the banning books, and that god awful Katie Holmes on So You Think You Can Dance, was horrible.

Well, I happen to have a Carlos story, but I haven't been given authorization to share it. Yet. So, I'll give you three words of a Carlos story and you can use your imaginations as to what the true story sounds like.

Here are your three words:

Carlos.

Chicken.

Car accident.

Have fun.

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I'm not really a Tori Spelling fan, but I caught her as a guest host on The Today Show this week--no, Kathie Lee Gifford was still there! And, i must say, Tori was kinda funny and self-deprecating.

She mentioned that, in her rush to get to the NBC studios, she'd left her hotel room without a wearing a bra. Kathie Lee Gifford....ugh, I loathe her.....pointed to Tori's chestal region and asked how she could get away without a bra and not have those things flop around.

Tori Spelling smiled sweetly, and said, Honey, for what I paid for 'em, they better stand up straight.

I.Loved.It.

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I am tired of the Repugnants bashing Obama's every plan, from health care to stimulus to, well, everything the president mentions.

I say, and listen up you group of pandering asshats, if you don't like the president's plan for any of the issues facing this country, don't stand around and stomp your feet like children, come up with a better plan.

Oh, but that would mean you'd actually have to work, and we know you're all too busy cheating on your wives and denying marriage rights to the gay community to actually work.

____________________

Smallville is small, hence the nickname.

But, and this is weird, I've seen some odd things.

Years ago, when i was a wee gay lad, we'd go to visit my grandmother. And in her bathroom, on the back of the toilet, was a spare role of toilet paper. only, it would seem unsightly to just leave it lying around, so my grandmother had a crocheted cover, a toilet paper cozy, if you will, that she placed over the spare roll. It looked like a little hat.

A woman in Smallville has one of those. She, um, wears it on her head. Every time I see her, I think, Toilet paper cozy hat!

_____________________

Speaking of toilet paper. Nice segue.

We just began having The State newspaper delivered every morning. But, in the thirteen days we've been on the delivery route, we have not received a paper five times! That puts me off. So today when no paper arrived, we called the newspaper and complained and then cancelled delivery. I'll go back to the online version.

But, what has The State newspaper got to do with toilet paper, you say? Well, although it is the paper for the Midlands of South Carolina, it is the smallest paper I've ever seen...the thinnest paper I've ever seen.

I've wiped my ass with more substantial paper.

_______________________

Yesterday afternoon I was home and the phone rang. the voice on the other end asked for Carlos. I said he wasn't in and I would take a message. The voice then said, I am calling from the Fraternal Order of Police, and, hehe, no, you aren't in trouble.

I said, I know that.

Voice said, I just need sixty seconds of your time. Would you agree that the police provide a much needed service to our community, making us feel safer in our homes and on our streets?

I said, Uh huh.

Voice said, That was a question. Don't you agree--

I said, I answered the question., Did you call to talk about the Fraternal Order of Police or give me a lesson in phone etiquette?

Voice said, Well, I--

I said, Your sixty seconds are up.

Click.