Snarky Thoughts

Mismatch. I mean, we all knew Ben Affleck and JLo were two very different people. She’s a thirst queen, media whore who never saw a spotlight she didn't want trained on her face, or ass,  and he’s a quiet recovering alcoholic who seems to shy away from the spotlight. But what might have seemed like a good coupling on paper might not actually work in real life, like when Mr. and Mrs. Affleck attended the Grammys and JLo jumped in front of a camera to present an award while Ben pivoted at their table. And while she danced and sang along with each act, Ben looked like a husband who worked all day and came home to crack a bottle of scotch and sit in the La-Z-Boy until he falls sleep.

My Thought: The Misery is real and the sell-by date on this marriage is getting closer every day.

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Did you ever think Chris Brown would ever do the right thing or, failing that, act like a decent human being? Short answer: No. At last week’s Grammys his album, Breezy (Deluxe) was nominated for Best R&B Album but he lost to Robert Glasper for his album, Black Radio III. And Chrissy brought the Breezy Bratty out after his loss and sped over to Instagram to come for Glasper. Chrissy’s been nominated for 20 Grammys but has just one win and felt robbed, robbed I say, by this latest loss and tried to rip Glasper a new one; sidenote: Robert Glasper has been nominated 12 times and has five trophies and is really what set Brownie off:

“BRO WHO THE F**K IS THIS? YALL PLAYING  WHO DA F**K IS THIS? WH THE F**K IS ROBERT GLASPER.”

I’m hoping it’s someone who can at least string together a coherent sentence, but then Twitter came for Brownie so I could sit this one out:

“Chris Brown not knowing who Robert Glasper is… is the reason all of Chris Brown songs sound the same.”

“Chris Brown has 20 nominations and 1 win. He taking out his frustrations on Robert Glasper but them 19 Ls are the real enemy.”

“The irony of Chris Brown not knowing who Robert Glasper is that he’d probably have at least two Grammys instead of one if he worked with Robert Glasper. Instead, he’s been doing the same Doublemint Gum steps since ‘ever.”

My Thought: If they were giving Grammys for felony convictions Chris Brown would have been a shoe-in over Glasper.

Extra Extra! After seeing that he’d made an epic ass of himself AGAIN, Brownie went back to social media to faux-pologize but only played the Petty Betty card harder:

“Congratulations my brother. I would like to apologize if you took offense to my reaction at the Grammys. After doing my research I actually think your [sic] amazing. THE ORGANIZATION ISNT DOING US BLACKS OUR DUE DILIGENCE. YOU AND I SHOULD never be in the same categor[y] … two totally different vibes and genres.”

Yeah, Brownie, not an apology, and then suggesting Glasper was in the wrong category and you would have won had the academy done the right thing proves the delusions are real.

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The best part of this GOP Congress’ antics is that they  produce ridiculousness rather than giving us anything substantive. Case in point: at a recent hearing about The Twitter the Republicans brought up the fact that a 2019 Tweet by Chrissy Teigen wasn’t removed from the platform after Thing 45 got his Depends in a snit because she called him, um, ahem, “Pussy ass bitch.”

My Thought: That will now and forever be the best part of the Official Congressional Record.

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Philanderers Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes are still going strong after their affair went public and the lovebirds ended up unemployed from the GMA and ABC. But love conquers all, doesn’t it? Or does it become less lovely when you learn that, while they both took the boot, Amy’s boot was a Louboutin compared to T.J.’s full-assed combat boot on his fine ass, since she left with a boatload more cash in her bank account than her lovah.

My Thought: One affair will get you the boot with a nice severance, but being a serial adulterer and using your job as your personal sex pool gets you coins and cab fare.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

File this under: Not Buying It.

Apparently acting driftwood, Kristen Stewart is getting “Oscar buzz” for her performance as Princess Diana in Spencer, but she wants y’all to know she does not “give a shit” about winning an Oscar and added:

“I do not want to seem like an ass, but it’s so embarrassing and so tiring. It is highly political. You have to go talk to people. You feel like you’re a diplomat.”

Funny, though, that Stewart did a Q&A with Academy members after a screening of Spencer.

Yeah, she doesn’t want an Oscar, but, you know, just in case, sign her up to talk to Academy members.

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Well, this had me confused … Tori Spelling, who has a plastic surgeon on speed dial, recently revealed that she’s having breast implant removal surgery.

I mean, I thought Tori and boobs and removed and assumed that meant she was divorcing Dean McDermott. I mean, he’s such a boob, right?

Still, I wonder why it’s taken Tori so long to get her implants removed, and then I realized that with her history of not paying her bills, the surgeon probably demanded she have a credit card on file.

PS Seeing that picture, I wonder if she had the implants moved to her lips.

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I guess Chrissy Teigen’s trying to make she isn’t outdone by the likes of Tori Spelling because this week Teigen, the most bored housewife, revealed she had an eyebrow transplant.

See, Chrissy wanted fuller brows and so she had the transplant, revealing it on Instagram because that’s where she lives:

“I never wear makeup if I can avoid it … [hold for laughter] … so I was so excited for this eyebrow transplant surgery. A little dark from the pencil but its [sic] so cool to have brows again.”

They took hair from the back of Chrissy’s head and shoved them into her face.

Now all she has to worry about if that bald spot on the back of her melon.

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While we wait for the criminal justice system to do something about serial sexual predator and Kevin Spacey, at least the powers-that-be on his old show, House of Cards, have stepped up to punish the perv.

It was announced that Spacey and two of his companies, M. Profitt Productions and Trigger Street Productions, must pay $31 million to the production company behind House of Cards for violating their sexual harassment policy in a judgement that comes after two years of arbitration between Spacey and MRC, the production company.

This is all the result of a 2017 CNN report which detailed that Spacey—star and an executive producer of House of Cards—had created a “toxic” environment by making crude comments and engaging in non-consensual touching of young male staffers, citing eight production sources. Spacey was immediately suspended pending an internal investigation and then fired from the show. And now he has to scrape together 31 million coins.

Good.

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You don’t mess with Adele and her music.

Rumor Has It … see what I did there … that Adele’s newest song, “Go Easy On Me,” was Spotify’s most-listened-to track in a single day. And while that made the star happy, the idea that you can listen to her new album 30 on shuffle, didn’t sit well with her, and so Adele Tweeted:

“We don’t create albums with so much care and thought into our track listing for no reason. Our art tells a story and our stories should be listened to as we intended. Thank you Spotify for listening.”

And quicker than you can say Rollin’ in the Deep the “shuffle” icon no longer appears within the larger “play” icon as it usually does during Album View on Spotify, who Tweeted back to Adele:

“Anything for you.”

To be fair, premium users can still access the shuffling function through the individual track list view … until Adele reads this.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

If you ever attend a party at Tommy Cruise’s house, do not, by any means, push any button. And I don’t just mean the button you push when you walk up to Tommy and say, “Scientology is a cult!” Or “Leah was right!” or “How many fake marriages have you had?”

No, I don’t mean those buttons, I mean an actual button that was pushed by actress Kyra Sedgwick, who was invited to a party at Tom’s house in the early 1990s and ended up having the place surrounded by the police after she touched something in the house. Here’s what she says:

“[T]here was this, like, fireplace mantel and I was looking around and there was this little button underneath the mantel. A little button. I was like, ‘Oh, what is that little button?’ So, I pressed the little button because I just thought maybe something interesting will happen. Nothing happened and then I got a little nervous. I was like, ‘Oh, nothing happened that doesn’t seem right.’ So, I tapped Tom on the shoulder, who was in the middle of a story, and I said, ‘I pressed this button down here.’ And he was like, ‘You pressed that button?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah, I pressed that button.’ And he goes, ‘That’s the panic button.'”

The police were automatically called out to Tommy’s house, and he was forced to explain that it was all a mistake.

It could have been worse … she could have pushed that other button and asked:

“Have you seen your daughter lately?”

I imagine an entire Co$ swat team would have descended on the house and Kyra Sedgwick might never have been seen again.

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It was literally five minutes ago that I told y’all how Chrissy Teigen had shut down her Twitter account because of tall the hate she gets when she says stupid things. Chrissy said it was no longer fun and light and lively and she would have nothing more to do with it.

Tick Tock. Chrissy’s back on Twitter because you cannot keep a social media whore off social media. After a grueling 22 days—how did he do it—of nothing and no one talking about her, Chrissy came back, Tweeting:

“turns out it feels TERRIBLE to silence yourself and also no longer enjoy belly chuckles randomly throughout the day and also lose like 2000 friends at once lol”

Um, Chrissy, they aren’t “friends” they’re followers, because, and I’m guessing here, even you would recognize a friend if you walked by them on the street.

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Scientologist, and actor, Danny Masterson isn’t quite ready to defend himself against charges of rape, and is saying it’s all Leah Remini’s fault.

Masterson’s lawyers filed papers in LA ALLEGING that Remini’s well-documented campaign against Co$ extending to his court case. Masterson claims Remini pushed for the three women in his case—all Jane Does—to make reports to the Los Angeles Police Department. Masterson claims that the LAPD is “starstruck” by Leah Remini and he also ALLEGES she has a close relationship with LAPD detectives, “even using them as her personal security. And, if that isn’t enough, he claims Remini guided the women as they gave statements to prosecutors.

And because of all that he needs more time.

Huh. Notice how he never once says he did not rape those women, but just that Leah Remini doesn’t like him or his church cult.

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If you watch The View at all, you cannot help but wonder if it’s not her co-workers who despise her, it’s her hairdresser.

Meghan serves a different concoction every day, some odd, some strange, and some just downright awful, and now her hair stylist, Carmen Currie, is speaking out to tell us all that she does not hate Meghan McCain:

“I’m not slapping something on her and being like, “Take THAT!” I’m not telling her what to do all the time, it’s not like that at all. I want her to feel comfortable, I want her to feel confident with what I’m doing, and I want her to like it overall, and she does. I think it shows, and that’s part of what people are picking up on … There’s no fun hair and fun makeup; it’s very straightforward and obviously more conservative. Working with Meghan and The View, I get to be more creative and more artistic with the looks.”

Nice try Carmen, but if you don’t hate Meghan, please to explain these lewks:

Uh huh.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Lindsay Lohan’s back y’all, and she’s got new music! RUN!!!

I kid … or do I? Lindsay announced on social media that she’s dropping a new single entitled “Lullaby” and she’s going release it as an NFT, or non-fungible token on fansforever.io. NFTs are digital collectibles that ALLEGEDLY represent something unique.

Basically, an NFT is something digital that you pay for so you can have it, but people who don’t pay for it can still see it. And the idea that Lindsay Lohan thinks people will buy her caterwauling so they can brag about owning it, is the height of hilarity.

Let’s go back to what I said at the start: RUN!!!!

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Also on Social Media this week, Social Media Whore Chrissy Teigen has gone all Alec Baldwin on your ass and quit Twitter; again.

Chrissy posts about everything and always gets a little clap back from folks, but now it appears that she’s done with all that. In a series of exit tweets—why she didn’t just leave quietly speaks volumes—Chrissy explained she couldn’t handle the amount of hate she was getting. She said she loved the time she spent on Twitter and that she kind of owes her career[?] to being an unfiltered, outspoken Twitterer, but that her current experience is pretty much non-stop negativity, and she’s over it.

Goodbye! Foot stomp. But don’t fret, you can still find her on Instagram and TikTok and talk shows, where she has once again over shared … 

Appearing  on The Late Late Show with James Corden and playing a game of Spill Your Guts or Fill Your Guts, Chrissy says she and her husband, John Legend, had sex at the Democratic National Convention.

Wow; media whore still media whorin’.

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Come on, y’all saw this coming …it has been announced  that Piers Morgan’s BFF, Sharon Osbourne, has been kicked to the curb by CBS and The Talk losing it on her co-host Sheryl Underwood while defending Piers Morgan. 

Of course, because the rich get richer, Osbourne was handed a $10 million check on her way out … and she’s now saying it was her choice to leave.

Riiiiight. After defending Morgan’s ALLEGED racist rants about Meghan Markle, it also came to light that she once called former Talk co-hosts Holly Robinson Peete “ghetto” and said Leah Remini was a “wop” and called boss lady Julie Chen “slanty eyed.”

Sharon, of course, denies saying these racist things but perhaps ten million can buy her some soul searching.

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For a minute there, we were all afraid that true love had actually died because it looked like JLo and A-Rod were done.

But breathe … they’re back to sharing their love all over social media, and using it to hawk products like Goli vitamin gummies on Instagram.

Love conquers all …especially when you can make some coins off of it.

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First Lindsay, and now Gwyneth Paltrow is back, and she has yet another beauty routine which she is calling a “less is more” regimen.

Gwyneth starts each day with a nut milk and almond butter smoothie, and then rubs a coarse brush on her body to exfoliate and boost circulation, using GOOP’s wood-handled brush. She follows that up with Goopglow Microderm Instant Glow Exfoliator to slough off more dead skin cells. Then comes a few drops of Vintner’s Daughter Active Botanical Serum followed by Jillian Dempsey Hydrating Eye Masks. She also loves Jillian Dempsey’s Gold Sculpting Bar which is made from 24-karat gold and vibrates—it’s a face dildo. After reinvigorating her skin, Paltrow uses Weleda Skin Food, Goopglow Glow Lotion, Unsun Mineral Tinted Sunscreen, and Goopgenes Clean Nourishing Lip Balm, Westman Atelier Vital Skin Foundation Stick,  Olio E Osso Lip & Cheek Tinted Balm, Kosas The Big Clean Mascara and Ilia Balmy Gloss Tinted Lip Oil.

And the best part? Paltrow’s “less is more” routine will set you back over $900 so,  while it’s marketed as simple, it’s not for you paupers.

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TwitFeud: _____, Teigen and Legend

Apparently there was a show about Criminal Justice Reform over the weekend, and in that show, no one bowed down to ____ and so, well, you know, Twitter Rant …

He called John Legend boring, but then went after Legend’s wife, Chrissy Teigen, who not only wasn’t on the show, but never said a word about _____, and yet he called her Legend’s filthy mouthed wife. Well, if y’all don’t know Chrissy and don’t follow Chrissy, she don’t play, and so she clapped back:

And clapped back:

And then her husband stepped into it, because, he also does not suffer fools, even the current occupant of the White House:

In the end, #PresidentPussyAssBitch was trending on Twitter, until it was banned, and then it morphed into #PresidentPAB. And while this was fun, I miss civility from the White House.

I miss Obama.

It's Snarkurday!

So, a lot of people are speculating as to what Kim Kardastrophe and her husband, Kanye Kardastrophe, will be naming their second child.

And it won’t be a South West sibling for North West because, well, let’s have Kim toss a word salad explanation:

“I don’t like South West, though, because that’s like – you know, North will always, you know, be better… And be more – she has a better direction….so I wouldn’t do that. I don’t think we’ll go with another direction.”

Huh? Hopefully, whatever they name this child it will grow up to be able to structure a coherent thought, unlike Mommy.

There’s already a problem with the new ABC show, The FAB Life, starring Tyra Banks and Chrissy Teigen, and, no, it’s not just because it stars Tyra and Chrissy, though that would seem enough. It seems the former BigForeHeaded supermodel and the current GoingCommando supermodel don’t speak … at all.

A source — and it ain’t Lohan because that would be a threesome of hot messes — says:

“You never put two supermodels on the same show together, especially when one’s more than 10 years younger than the other. They are so different. Tyra thinks about everything. She thinks about what to say, down to when to move her arm. Chrissy is from the new school, where she says whatever she wants.”

Tyra needs to think about where to move her arm, and Chrissy doesn’t think at all. M’kay. I smell Supermodel D-i-saster.

Actress — well, I’ll use the term ‘actress’ loosely, because she has just two expressions: Mopey and Pouty — Kristen Stewart is apparently done with men after her boyfriend, Sparkles The Vampire, Robert Pattinson, dumped her after she boned her married director.

Yup, KStew has a girlfriend, y’all, and we can thank her mama Jules for the scoop, after Jules said this to the Sunday Mirror:

“What’s not to be accepting about her now having a girlfriend? She’s happy. She’s my daughter; I’m just her mom so she knows I would accept her choices. I’ve met Kristen’s new girlfriend, I like her. What’s not to accept? She’s a lovely girl.”

Except now Jules is saying she never said that:

“I spoke to Sharon Feinstein about my film K-11 that has been put on display in the Hollywood Museum.  … She also asked me about my views on gay rights, which I was happy to express. Then we talked briefly about the fundraiser I am hosting for TheWolfConnection.org. Never ever did we discuss Kristen!” 

Jules is maintaining that all she ever said about KStew’s ALLEGED girl-toy, Alicia Cargile, is that she’d met her as her daughter’s personal assistant … uh huh … and all she ever said was “She’s a lovely girl.”

Now the only issue is that the interviewer, Sharon Feinstein, says she has the tapes of Jules talking about her Lesbian daughter and she’ll release them. And do I’m guessing KStew will finally reveal a new facial expression: Pissed Off At Mom.

It looks like it might not be all Gay Happy Heaven in the Elton John and David Furnish household. Rumor has it — I miss Adele … but I digress — that Furnish is cheating on John, and actually bought his new boy-toy, personal trainer, Danny,  a £300,000 house. The pair met during a “night out” and has spent a lot of time together in the past year while Elton’s been busy working and touring.

Ruh-roh. According to The Sun on Sunday newspaper, Land Registry documents from April 2013 show David paid more than £330,000 for a two-bed flat in South London and reportedly helped furnish and redecorate the pad.

David and Danny went on a number of holidays together and Danny even flew first class to Hawaii to celebrate David’s 51st birthday with him, as well as hanging out in London.

Now, Danny maintains he’s “just friends” with David … and Elton as well … but, well, how many friends buy their other friends houses?

Uh huh.

Shortbite:

Caitlyn Jenner is going to bank about $6 million for her E! reality show, which just proves that, even after transitioning, she’s as much a Kardastrophe as she was before.

I guess there really is life after death, because it appears that Fashion Police is coming back after Kathy Griffin, Kelly Osbourne and Giuliana Rancic bludgeoned it to death.

Oh, and to make sure it retains that Joan Rivers sense of humor, the new host will be that bastion of comedic entertainment, Melissa Rivers.

Seriously? And Melissa thinks Kathy tarnished Joan’s memory? I imagine Joan sitting in Heaven eating snacks with Liz Taylor and shouting:

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

It was just about this time last year that the story broke about JLo’s underage — I kid ... or do I — boyfriend, Casper Not-So-Smart banging a transsexual model named Sofia Vissa.

Well, JLo stuck it out with her cheating boyfriend for about a hot minute and then they “broke up.” Of course, we now know they never really broke up, and were back together before JLo’s nails could dry. But they kept up the lie, with JLo talking about being single and looking for love, and Casper looking like a pathetic high school boy without a date for prom, until that story died when we learned that the break up was a lie and the two had never really been apart.

So, they’re back together and it’s summer and, well, it looks like Casper’s cheating again … with Lebanese pop star Haifa Wehbe. Casper starred in and choreographed Haifa’s “Breathing You In” music video and allegedly started banging that pop star at about the same time that he started banging JLo again.

And it looks like JLo isn’t happy being sloppy seconds again, because just as Casper started negotiating to be in another Haifa “video” Mama JLo put her foot down and nixed the deal. So, are they gonna break up again, and then lie when they get back together, and then get back together on camera in time for Casper to find another side-piece?

Stay tuned … this is riveting stuff.

Caitlyn Jenner and That Woman must be so proud of their daughter.

Not the one who made a porn tape and then turned that into a career; not the one who married the drunk and gets pregnant every nine months; not the one who married and divorced the crack basketballer; and not the one who’s started modeling for all the biggies in fashion.

The other one; the underage one who seemingly does nothing but post her lips to Instagram and date a years older rapper, Tyga, who, after denying his relationship with Kylie because he’s basically guilty of statutory rape, released a new song that is ALLEGEDLY about his little girl toy, called Pleazer.

And it some of the lyrics in his “song” that are garnering a lot of attention because he seems to be bragging about banging a child called Kylie:

I just hit and forget they even existeded

Ha, it’s all the same though

I changed the lingo, gave her dangle, bury the dang ho

I’m fuckin’ faster, I’m gettin’ stronger

I hit her, she backwards, lickin’ her asshole

My dick is the password

T nasty, ’bout to catch a felony for it

Vagina juice like orange juice in the mornin’

Let’s not even go into the illiteracy, or the fact that the subject is disgusting, but let’s talk about how Tyga thinks he gonna catch a felony because the age of consent in California and Kylie, who began her relationship with Tyga in 2014, is only seventeen.

Tyga, who at first seemed to be bragging about banging a baby, now says he wrote the song two years ago and it was about his Baby Mama, Blac Chyna, and not Kylie except … Blac Chyna was never underage when she let Tyga dip his STD Wick into her — and create a child — so he would never catch a felony from that.

It’s about Kylie; it’s clear. But what remains unclear is why That Woman and Caitlyn are allowing this to happen; is it because Caitlyn is busy doing her own thing? Is it because That Woman negotiated a percentage of the profits from whoring out another of her children so as long as there are coins slipping into the bank accounts, she doesn’t care who, or what, schtups her child.

Lovely.