It's Snarkurday!

Halle Berry was a presenter at the GLAAD Media Awards last week and thought that the best time to declare that her role as Catwoman in 2004’s Catwoman deserves another “goddamn chance.”

And she thinks it does because … Black Panther:

“Each story builds on the next. It’s like that old saying goes: behind every Black Panther is a great black Catwoman! You know, I’ve gotten a really bad rap for this role, and I think Catwoman deserves another goddamn chance, don’t you?”

To recap, Oscar-winner … Oscar winner …Halle starred in a version of Catwoman that had almost nothing to do with DC Comics character and everything to do with glamour. It was a fashion show with Halle as the hero and Sharon Stone keeping her legs closed as the villain … and it bombed.

Oscar winner Halle Berry the Razzie for her role and showed up to accept it with her Oscar. In her acceptance speech, she referred to the film as:

“A godawful piece of shit.”

And now she wants you to demand a remake. Gurl bye.

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As if anyone asked him … Karl Lagerfeld decided to flap his wrinkled puss about the #MeToo movement and proved why he is called Kunty Karl:

“I’m fed up with it. I don’t even eat pig [in France the movement is known as #BalanceTonPorc] What shocks me most in all of this are the starlets who have taken 20 years to remember what happened. Not to mention the fact there are no prosecution witnesses.”

But Kunty Karl didn’t stop there about #MeToo and said that some of the models who complained about abuse should join a nunnery. 

I think Karl should join a monastery and take a vow of silence… and a vow to never be photographed again.

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It might just be a coinky-dink, but right after marrying her boyfriend of one month, Chris Fischer, Amy Schumer fired her longtime PR rep and manager, Carrie Byalick.

Is it because Byalick pressured Amy into doing Snatched, which added another nail to the coffin of Goldie Hawn’s career...

Or is it because Byalick once dated Chris Fischer and it was just too uncomfortable?

Or is it because Carrie still had feelings for him?

Or is it because Amy was insecure or jealous?

Or is it because Carrie warned Amy about Chris and she didn’t want to hear it?

Or is it because … oh, who cares.

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Flashback … in the spring of 2005, all of the Desperate Housewives did a Vanity Fair cover shoot and it turned into the cover shoot from hell.  The story goes that there was tension between them all, starting because Teri Hatcher was pissed about not getting first pick at the outfits and not being in the middle of the picture.

Seriously. Now, in 2018, Eva Longoria appears to still have beef about the cover shoot. She was on Jimmy Kimmel to talk about her upcoming role in the Overboard reboot, her pregnancy and her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, but all Jimmy cared about was “the grudge.”

He asked if there was a chance of a Desperate Housewives reboot since every other show from the 1990s has been rebooted and Eva said that she doesn’t really want to go back to TV—her film career is booming, I guess with the reboot of a Goldie Hawn film—and maybe she doesn’t like all the girls:

Jimmy: You guys all hate each other now, right?

Eva: No! Felicity Huffman and Marcia are going to be at my star ceremony. Felicity’s giving a speech. We’re very good friends.

Jimmy: All of you?

Eva: No, but 99 percent of us are.

I guess Teri Hatcher is the One Percent.

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And it goes on ... last year, Michael Anello, one of Mariah Carey’s ex-bodyguards, threatened to sue Mimi for $750,000 for not paying invoices and sexually harassing him by bouncing around him in see-through lingerie. That lawsuit hasn’t been filed yet, but Mimi’s lawyers got a new legal threat from Stella Bulochnikov, her ex-manager.

Stella and Mimi broke up last year ALLEGEDLY because Stella she couldn’t Mimi’s special brand of crazy—possibly as a result of her bipolar disorder. But now it appears that Mimi is the one who quit Stella, and Stella is now suing for breach of contract and … wait for it … it’s totally Mimi … sexual harassment. Yup, just like Michael Anello, Stella says Mariah would often prance around her employees suggestiuvely while nearly nude.

But, to be nice, let Mimi’s lawyers know that a lawsuit is coming, giving them a chance to settle and save us all from stories of Mimi’s antics. But, not to be nice, Stella is also spilling the tea that Mimi never took her meds for her bipolar disorder and ALLEGEDLY had a substance abuse problem.

Mimi’s rep, of course, says Stella is lying:

“If this frivolous and baseless claim is filed, we will defend against it vigorously and successfully.”

Still, there are two ex-Mimi handlers who claim she’s a hooker with a multi-million-dollar record deal ... and if more, and more, and more, Mimi employees come out to sue because she showed them her ladybits, every court in the land will be tied up for decades.

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Who to believe … with her diminished role on Good Morning America, co-anchor Lara Spencer is desperate to make it appear that her absence from the show is by choice, but is it?

ABC has revamped the show, focusing on George Stephanopoulos, Michael Strahan and Robib Roberts by overhauling their other anchors’ schedules … like promoting Amy Robach to 20/20 and by cutting back Spencer’s airtime from five days a week to three.

Spencer’s team was you to believe that Spencer made the choice to “cut back” her GMA time so she could “to focus on her lifestyle brand” … buying garage sale stuff and rehabbing it. But GMA sources say Spencer is being sidelined because …

“Lara’s good at her job, but it’s not like the [ratings] are affected when she’s not on [the show].”

And rumor has it that the staff at GMA couldn’t be more pleased at Spencer’s disappearing act:

“Staff are relieved that Lara’s schedule is being cut back. She treats staff badly, she yells at people and she makes a lot of extra work for people.”

Extra work? Like helping her clean out her office?

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So, Khloe Kardastrophe gave birth to her cheating boyfriend’s baby, and ironically named the True. Seriously … as in, ...

“Yes, it’s true my boyfriend cheated on me with nearly every woman he met while I was pregnant with his baby.”

And, maybe there is something to the story that Khloe mother, That Woman, is working overtime to get Khloe away from Cheating Baby Daddy so the child can be called True Kardastrophe, and then be spun off into its own E! show and throw some more coins in the Devil’s handbag.

Just sayin’.

PS Looking at those photos of Khloe from 2007, left, and today, right, I wonder who True looks like and if we’ll ever really see a True Kardastrophe?

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Maybe there’s hope … though I am not one to feel joy at sad news, but still … John Cena and Nikki Bella have broken off their engagement, and they broke up completely.

Apparently, John felt that after his first marriage ended in divorce, he didn’t want to remarry and didn’t want children. But he and Nikki were together for almost six years and perhaps she wore him down. And he asked her, and she said, ‘Yes,’ and then he said, ‘Hold up’ just a few weeks before the wedding.

Um, John, you know, if you need someone to console, or help you get over Nikki, I am here for you. And, um, yeah, I don’t want marriage and I don’t want children, so, yeah, there’s that, too.

Just sayin’.

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It's Snarkurday!

So Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are still around, having survived how many “reality” shows and Dean’s serial adultery?

The two recently got matching 10th anniversary tattoos on their European vacation — a trip no doubt subsidized by whatever rag-tag second-rate TV channel airing their next incarnation as media whores — and then Tori celebrated her 43rd birthday in a castle in Denmark.

But,. And I’m just guessing here, maybe they dropped a few too many coins on the ink because Tori charged attendees at her birthday bash $300 a piece to be in her presence … with presents.

I would’a thought Tori would have paid people $300 to attend so, while filming the entire hot mess for a new reality gig in the bottom right-hand corner of the Weather Channel screen, it would look like lots of people came to cheer Tori on.

Like that would happen.

Faye Dunaway, decades after Mommie Dearest, is still rocking the Joan Crawford Plan.

You know, always looking like a movie star. See, Dunaway arrived at amfAR’s star-studded gala in Cannes, France, with the most unusual accessory; not a multi-million dollar ring …not a gown of real gold … not a beau young enough to be her great grandson.

No, Faye brought along a scale to weigh her food and calculate her calories.

A source — and it might be Blake Lively striving to be the Whore of Cannes — says:

“She sat at her dinner table and pulled out the scale from a paper bag.”

Then Faye, who is rail-thin, began to weigh the food served to her … including the salad.

Seriously? Weighing lettuce is what Faye Dunaway has been reduced to?

Christina? Bring me the axe.

But Dunaway is known for her, shall we politely say, “quirky” behavior; she’s been known to shriek at the staff in high-end boutiques if they come near her; in the ’90s, she ALLEGEDLY shrieked at a flight crew for not upgrading a coach ticket from JFK to London’s Heathrow, going all Reese Witherspoon with the, “Don’t you know who I am?” The crew then got revenge as she slept by grabbing a bunch of wire hangers and putting them on the seat next to her.

And she ALLEGEDLY had a world-class hissy fit at the Sunset Tower Hotel in 2013, when she was shown a suite outfitted for the disabled, and shrieked at the staff, “Do I look handicapped to you?”

This isn’t her first time at the rodeo.

Did you know That Woman’s real name is Kristen Mary Houghton? Sounds like a good Catholic girl and that would never do for someone who would grow up to pimp out her daughter’s sex tape to make a name for herself and her offspring.

Kristen Mary is so normal, but when she married Robert Kardashian, she became Kris Kardastrophe. And then when she wed the then-Bruce Jenner she became Kris Jenner; a name she kept even after she and Bruce divorced and he transitioned to Caitlyn.

But now That Woman wants to erase the Jenner from her name; so, will, she now be Kris Houghton?

Oh.Hell.No. She’s changing her name back to that of her first ex-husband and will be Kris Kardastrophe now because how else can she capitalize on media whoredom if she goes by Houghton?

Still, she’ll always be That Woman to me.

Well, who knew … Kanye West is a megalomaniac diva? A certain an ex-employee, that’s who, although he stayed in Kanye’s employ for about a fortnight.

Steve Stanulis, an ex-NYPD cop whose past clients include Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire, says Kanye refuses to push his own elevator buttons, acts like a spoiled child, and demands that staff not speak in his presence.

“I had to look after his toddler daughter once and it was so much easier than baby-sitting the father.”

On his very first day, Stanulis got a taste of West’s pampered antics:

“We headed to his music studio. When we got into the elevator Kanye just stood there with his arms folded and said, ‘Aren’t you going to press the button?’”

And when Stanulis explained he didn’t know which floor, Kanye flipped out, squealing that his time was precious and that he couldn’t believe Stanulis hadn’t called ahead to find out which floor to go to.

Stanulis also bothered Kanye once when he ‘got in his shot’ as the paparazzi were taking pictures and says that one time, when Kanye threw a fit and stormed out of the studio in a rage, Stanulis was sent to retrieve the petulant egomaniac.  He got into his personal  car to scour the streets looking for Kanye, and when he finally found him, The Diva balked at having to maneuver past Stanulis’ children’s’ car seats to sit in the rear of the vehicle:

“I told him he could get in or keep on walking — and after a sulk he climbed in the front.”

But the biggest sin of all was that after Kanye ordered Stanulis to never speak to Kim Kardastrophe — after spotting Stanulis introducing himself to Kim — Kanye saw Kim and Stanulis standing in a hallway chatting like old friends and Stanulis was instantly fired.

He’d been on the job fourteen days. To be fair, perhaps Kanye is jealous of men who speak to his wife, who has been married … nine times is it … and made her career flat on her back, heels to Jesus, while her boyfriend, at that minute, schtupped her, is not someone who should be left alone with men.

Just sayin’.

Ring the bells! Eva Longoria is married … again.

The celebrated star of … what has she done besides Desperate Housewives … married Jose “Pepe” Antonio Baston, the president of Televisa. Eva and Pepe have been together for close to three years and were married last week in Mexico.

Despite this being her third marriage, the bride wore white and announced to the world:

“I’ve been waiting for a day like this my whole life.”

I’m confused, because hasn’t she had a day like that at least twice before?

Still, the best part of the whole day was that Eva’s Desperate Housewives co-star Vanessa Williams showed up to sing “Save the Best for Last.”

It was Vanessa’s way of saying, “Stop doing this!”

Leo DiCaprio — who has spoken out many times about global warming and climate change — recently accepted an environmental award from the Riverkeeper Fishermen’s Ball in New York City.

DiCaprio was in Cannes the day before the ceremony but made it to the awards dinner by taking a private jet from Cannes, then flying straight back to France on another private jet a night later.

Environmental analyst Robert Rapier, who said DiCaprio’s movie-star lifestyle “diminishes his moral authority to lecture others on reducing their own carbon emissions.”

Seriously, Leo preaches about the environment then jets around the world on private planes and private yachts rather than say, I dunno, fly commercial like the rest of us?

Now, a source close to DiCaprio — possibly one of the models he jets around with — says Leo did not charter his own flights, but merely “hitched a ride with someone.”

Still, flying private damages the environment more than flying commercial so maybe Leo needs a rethink of his traveling habits.

Meanwhile, back at Kanye … he was on Ellen last week and completely hijacked the show for one of his insane rants.

In fact, at one point he stopped looking at Ellen while he spoke and turned to speak directly to the camera at though he was Professor Kanye giving a lecture. He repeated many of the things he said on Twitter earlier this year when he went on about how he wants Mark Zuckerberg and the other moguls of Silicon Valley to give him at least $1 billion so that he can make the world a better place.  He talked about #OscarsSoWhite … two months after the awards show, Payless shoes, bullying and how he just wants a chance to revolutionize the fashion industry.

Here, you read what he said:

“I remember going to school in fifth grade and wanting to have a cool outfit. I called the head of Payless and I said ‘I want to work with you, I want to take all this information that I’ve learned from sitting at all these fashion shows and knocking down all these doors and buying all these expensive clothes and I want to take away bullying’.  I always wore knock-off brands from the swap meet and many of my clothes came from Mervyn’s, but if I wore $300 sneakers and was driven to school by David Hasselhoff himself in KITT, the kids would still say to me, “Cool shoes and car…for a stupid faggot!”

Huh? What? Payless, The Hoff, Mervyn’s, faggot.

I wonder if his bodyguard from that earlier story actually got fired or if Kanye spoke like this to him and he just up and left because he didn’t know WTF Kanye was saying.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Okay, so we know that Lindsay Lohan got a pretty sweet $2 million dollar deal from Oprah and so now she’s looking for a way to spend her wad’o’dough, and she’s thinking … sperm.

Lindsay is ALLEGEDLY thinking that she needs to have a child so she’ll be less likely to steal jewelry, kidnap people, drive drunk, snort cocaine, make bad movies, etc., and now, according to a source — Dina Lohan — Lindsay has approached several male friends and asked them to be sperm donors:

“She thinks having a baby will keep her on the straight and narrow! She has it in her head that she’s totally clean, and wants a baby because she feels it’s the one thing that would keep her grounded. She’s talked about having a baby before, which we all thought was ridiculous and we still can’t believe she’s thinking about it now – but she’s actively trying to recruit sperm-daddies!”

Um California, I know you’ve had issues with Lohan in the past and seem to have a special place in your legal heart for her because she rarely gets punished for anything she does, but if you let Lohan become a parent then I may have to ask for your secession.

And speaking of Lohan and Oprah, the Big O is getting a lot of heat for paying Lohan the 2 mil for the interview/reality show docu-series. But that’s nothing compared to what a former co-star is saying about her.

Rae Dawn Chong co- starred with O in the The Color Purple so before we get to the juice, let’s talk smack about Oprah and the movie. See, Oprah was sure that Purple would make her a huge star, in more ways than one, and while she was making the film she begged Steven Spielberg to put her name above the title alongside Whoopi and Danny Glover on the movie poster. Spielberg said, and I quote, “Who are you and why are you eating all the cookies?” 

And then he said, ‘No.’

But on the last season of the Oprah show, when Big O was having a Purple reunion, Purple producer Quincy Jones finally caved and presented O with a movie poster that had her name on it. It was ridiculous.

And here’s where we get to Chong.   While she says Oprah was “lovely” to work with on The Color Purple, it was when Chong did her next film, Commando, with Arnold Schwarzenegger, that O flipped out on her, according to Rae Dawn:

“I starred in Commando. And she just wasn’t having me. She’s competitive. She didn’t like me. She just wasn’t having me. [She was a] total beeyotch. You know what? It was like, ‘F-ck you bitch.’”

Not nice, especially since today it’s mostly, ‘Who is Rae Dawn Chong?’, and with O it’s still, ‘How come you ate all the cookies?”

But then Rae Dawn goes on to praise O, saying “All I can say is she is amazing. I respect her. I think she’s done great things for women of color, for women of a certain size.” Ouch.

Then she flips back: “The thing that’s really great about Oprah, that you can’t take away from her, is that she’s a great brownnoser. If you were in a room with her, she will pick the most powerful person and become best friends with them. When we worked with her, the one thing about Oprah, she was that fat chick that was that cheerleader, or the wannabe cheerleader in school, that was the student council president that was best friends with the principal…she was that fat chick in school that did everything and everybody loved her. That’s Oprah. Love me, love me, love me. You gotta respect her, no matter how vile she is, ‘ cause ultimately she’s all about Oprah and she’s boring.”

Wow. But then it goes on; when asked to rate Oprah’s looks on a scale of 1-10, Rae Dawn says O is a ‘4’: “If  you look at the way she looks, she looks like 60 years ago she would have been a housekeeper, luckily. She would not have been a house n—-r. She would have been a field n—-r.”

Chong’s agent — apparently with a straight face — insists that Chong wasn’t saying anything terrible and that you have to “listen to the whole interview” and that all of these parts were — get ready for this classic — “out of context.”

And Chong took to Twitter to insist, “In context, I was actually complimenting Oprah.”

WTF. I’d hate to see what Rae dawn has to say about you when she’s knocking you down.

Kanye West is a big fat douche.

He hates paparazzi, and even writes raps about how much he hates them, and then he goes and sperminates the biggest paparazzi-loving whore on the planet.

Big fat stupid douche; and to prove that, Kanye apparently, not ALLEGEDLY, started a fight a paparazzo, Daniel Ramos, at LAX last weekend.

It all started when the guy began to question Kanye and Kanye wouldn’t talk, and then muttered something about how the photographer was trying to rile him up so he’d do something stupid: “You’re trying to get me in trouble so I have to pay you, like, $250,000.”

And then he did the something stupid. He tackled the paparazzi and tried to take his camera, which, in my world, means he assaulted the man and tried to rob him.

According to sources — the thirty or so other paparazzi who were there that night — Kanye “shoved [Ramos] to the ground, yelling at him” after the guy tried to take his photo. Kanye "grabbed his shoulders and punched him.” Paramedics were called to the scene and now the paparazzo wants to press charges for what could be felony assault.

Although I wish he’d get arrested and tried for assault, this is California, where Lohan gets away with actual murder — I mean, c’mon, she singlehandedly killed her career — so I don’t expect Kimmy’s Baby Daddy to get actual jail time.

Sadly.

UPDATE: Apparently Kanye makes enough money off his, um, music to afford a really good attorney because law enforcement sources say it’s virtually certain he will not  be charged with any crime in connection with his assault on the photographer.

So Kanye will skate and quite probably beat up another paparazzi.

Sadly.

Kris Jenner’s new talk show Kris! is so low rent even baby North West will not come on, which caused Granny Kris to steal a baby from someone on her staff and pretend it was North. Still, I bet Kim comes on soon and talks all about being a mommy because, well, she’s the first woman to ever give birth.

But the funny part of the story is the reviews for Jenner’s show; most are bad, some are downright nasty.

Linda Stasi, from the New York Post, said Jenner had as much right hosting a show as her ‘talentless daughter had for hosting a talent show’ and that she comes across as a ‘demented Norma Desmond.’

Hey! I know Norma Desmond and Kris Jenner? You, sir are no Norma Desmond!

I digress. Kris was said to be so incensed by Stasi’s review that she tried to bribe her way to a better one by sending gifts and a passive-aggressive note. She sent Linda Stasi a dozen Magnolia cupcakes, a $325 sterling silver Tiffany pen, and a note saying, Stasi should use the pen to write a ‘better review next time.’

Not smart Kris, because Stasi wrote another column, talking about the bribes Jenner had sent, and ended with this: ‘I cannot be bought for a pen. A pen and pencil set, maybe, but just a pen? To improve your ratings, Mrs. Jenner, either you somehow become interesting, which given the data seems as likely as the pope turning Jewish, or you do better with the bribes.’

Funny, cuz it’s true.

So, Barbara Walters was all about The Bay this week on The View, mainly because ABC decided to throw her a bone and let her anchor a news special about the birth of a child.

And on The View she went on and on and on about the baby while across the table Whoopi Goldberg — like me — rolled her and said she just didn’t care.

Well, Babs doesn’t like her minions deriding the twilight of her career, so she took a little jab at Whoopi on air, saying, as she leaned across the table and looked at Goldberg, “I would really like to talk about tonight. Whoopi will not be watching, but we hope you will, and we hope there are a lot of people who give a damn, because we’ve worked hard on this.”

As Babs plugged her show — because her time on TV is almost done —Goldberg looked off set to make a face.

After the show, Barbara apparently was quite angry with Whoopi for being, um, Whoopi, and chastised her again, which, according to the New York Post, ended up with Whoopi saying something like, ‘I can’t wait until you’re gone, you Apple Granny looking mother**ker.’

Or something.

A source — and it could be Behar, since she’s also leaving the show — says Whoopi ranted backstage, “I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t wait till she retires. I’m tired of her cutting me off.”

But, in true Whoopi fashion, when asked to comment on the story, she replied, “Who the f**k told you this? I don’t rant at ‘The View’ for seven minutes for any reason. That would not have come out of my mouth, especially not at ‘The View.’ I’m not stupid.”

Still, I have seen Whoopi roll her eyes when Barbara goes off on one of her WTF tangents so I can see her getting annoyed when Grandma starts riffin' during Hot Topics.

Just sayin’.

Will Smith is somewhere stomping his feet right now. First, his latest bombed worse than a Lindsay Lohan Liz Taylor Lifetime bio-pic, and now the not-Scientology school that he and his wife, Jada, founded in 2008 has gone belly up.

The school—in Calabassas, California—was  called the New Village Learning Academy, and while they didn’t equate themselves with Scientology, they used only Scientology teaching methods, including something called Study Tech—which may or may not be a school on a spaceship somewhere—or might actually be an unproven educational concept developed by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard.

And the staff at not-Scientology School? Most were Scientologists. In fact, the original principal, an actual not-Scientologist was replaced by a Scientologist when she started to question the use of Scientology teaching methods.

Is it surprising? Well, not when you realize that Will Smith has lost some of his mojo, and not when you realize that people—the not-Scientologists—are becoming more and more leery of anything Scientology-related. But still, it’s got to be a blow for Mr. and Mrs. Smith, who poured their own millions into the school, and who sent their own children there, until they realized their children would be better served by working.

As described in its tax returns, the school took in $1,235,000 from the Smiths’ WJS Trust to get the academy going in 2008 and then the Smiths financed the first three years of the school. But contributions kept going down—like a Will Smith box office—and now the not-Scientologists have to find a new place where they can be taught by Scientologists using Scientology methods in a not-Scientologist school.

Just sayin’.

There's a story, or stories, going around about the ALLEGED hook-up-booty-calls between Eva Longoria and George Clooney while Clooney's soon-to-be ex Stacey Kiebler was out of town. And we learned that Eva don’t like being booty called and told George no more hook-ups till Stacey was gone.

Shorthanded: Clooney took too long dumping Kiebler and Longoria found someone newer, and younger, and, yes, taller; Ernesto Arguello. And the theory is that Eva picked up Ernesto—who was a contestant on her failed dating-reality show—when Clooney wouldn’t dump Stacey and that Eva has taken to “flaunting” Ernesto all over the place so Clooney would get jealous.

Now, Clooney could get jealous, because of the younger and taller and newer boyfriend, but, um, Eva? Your new boy-toy is $4 million in debt so I imagine Clooney is laughing all the way to his overflowing bank.

Still, Eva wants this relationship to work so she is having a part written for Ernesto on the show she’s producing, Devious Maids he can start contributing financially to their budding union.

And does it remind anyone else of that JLo/Casper mess? Hiring the boyfriend—i.e. putting him on your payroll—so he can help with the bills? I mean, why not just cut him a check for being around to bone you and then he wouldn’t have to work. He could just be your beck-and-call-boy.

And let’s not ignore the fact that he’s pinging on my Gaydar like a game-show bell ringer.