Snarky Thoughts

It was just a few years back that Dwayne Johnson, er, The Rock, foot-stomped, head-snapped, and hissed that he would never EVER return to the Fast and Furious franchise and yet he made a cameo at the end of this last epic, and then announced that he’ll star in a standalone movie as his character Luke Hobbs. Johnson also said that he and Vin Diesel have smooched and become BFFs again so that they can preserve and protect all these films that are really just the same film in different spots on the globe.

My Thought: Dwayne’s last movie Black Adam was such a bomb he went crawling back to the last thing he did that made money and pressed his lips to Diesel’s ass and cashed that check.

photo

Scientology rapist Danny Masterson was found guilty of rape this week. The jury found him guilty on two counts of rape but were deadlocked on the third. Masterson could have faced more than 40 years in prison for all three charges, but the attorneys say it is unclear how much time he will spend bending over for the soap on “just two” counts.

My Thought: Just two counts of rape? I guess that means you get to rape at least twice to get a light sentence but should think again about that third assault?

photo

If it’s June and you’re as Thirsty as Kate Hudson then it’s that time of year again to bare the tits and ass on Instagram. And so Goldie’s spawn spent Memorial Day Weekend lounging by the pool with her kids—topless—and posted:

“Suns out, buns (and huns) out #summerready.”

My Thought: Somewhere Madonna and Halle Berry are stripping off their bikini tops and bottoms for a pool day photo because The Thirst is real.

photo  photo

Like his pal Robert DeNiro, eighty-three-year-old Al Pacino is set to become a dad for the fourth time after it was revealed that his 29-year-old girlfriend, Noor Alfallah, is eight months pregnant. If all goes as planned Al will be over 100 years old when the kid graduates from high school.

My Thought: Will they do a Weekend at Bernie’s thing and prop the corpse up in a chair, or just make things easy and roll a coffin down the aisle?

PS Al’s oldest child is four years older than his current Baby Mama.

photo

Clearly she has a type. Fifty-one-year-old Erika Jayne was spotted on what appeared to be a Las Vegas date with recently arrested seventy-one-year-old lawyer Jim Wilkes II amid her divorce from eighty-three-year-old disgraced former attorney Tom Girardi.

My Thought: She likes ‘em legal, decades older, and in trouble with the law. She really is a Pretty Mess.

PS Wilkes wants y’all to know he and Erika aren’t dating because he still lives with his wife and they aren’t dating so don’t say that!

photo

Bobservations

Another not so happy week at Casa Bob y Carlos …

Yesterday we let Ozzo out for his business. About twenty minutes later our vet’s office called to say that one of our neighbors found Ozzo in their yard; they put us in contact with the neighbor and Ozzo was brought back home, but it started that conversation again. You see, Ozzo is also about 18 to 20 years old, and he doesn’t see well, he doesn’t hear well, and he doesn’t move well—though he moved well enough to work his way through the fence and go for a Blind Man Stroll.

I suggested we make an appointment with the vet to make sure he’s okay, other than his eyes and ears and back legs, and Carlos couldn’t handle it. As pets do when they come into your home, they bond with one of you; Ozzo bonded to Carlos, Tuxedo bonded with me, MaxGoldberg actually bonded with us both, though he was slightly more partial to me, and Consuelo bonded with her food dish.

So. We’re taking Ozzo to the vet next week, for a checkup only, and to see how his health is because I don’t want him hurt or in pain,  like Max. I’d like the old man to go in his sleep, peaceful and calm, and if he’s okay, other than the aging, then he will live out his days in peace and comfort.

It’s hard; there’s what’s best for the pet and what you want, and really what you want shouldn’t matter.

I, too, was stunned at so many members of the GOP thanking Columbus for discovering America and calling him a hero. No wonder they don’t want history taught in schools.

Republican megadonor Miriam Adelson told would-be GOP presidential candidates—even Thing 45—that she is not getting involved in the 2024 primary.

No money for you! No money for you!

Blake Masters, the GOP nominee for US Senate in Arizona has long denied the results of 2020 election … until this week. Though he ran in the Primary on the Big Lie now, trailing in the polls, Masters now says Biden is the “legitimate president” and that he’s seen no evidence the vote count was rigged.

Pandering, lying, white supremacist. I did ‘Nazi’ that … oops, maybe I spoke too soon. Yesterday Masters said he still believes the 2020 presidential election was neither free nor fair.

I guess he felt the wrath of MAGAts and Nazis and flip-flopped back.

For the first time ever five of Oklahoma’s largest Native American tribes have united to endorse a candidate for governor: Democrat Joy Hofmeister.

The GOP nominee, current governor Kevin Stitt, has had a frosty relationship with tribes after fighting to overturn the 2020 McGirt v. Oklahoma Supreme Court decision that weakened the state’s ability to prosecute some crimes on Native American land.

The tribes have spoken.

In Arkansas, the Conway School Board issued new regulations on bathroom use and overnight hotel stays, based on a student's sex assigned at birth. The board also agreed to ban books that discuss LGBTQ+ romances, deeming them "inappropriate."

Some members of the LGBTQ+ community spoke out against the new policy and one parent of a transgender child shared that after this vote, they plan to move out of state. But many of the people who showed up, and almost the entire school board, said that they're proud of the decision. In fact, applause and cheers erupted after one man suggested LGBTQ+ people should be put to death,

If you know anyone who is trans in this country and you still think you need to vote Republican, strike the word ‘ally’ from beside your name because you are no different than that man who suggested killing LGBTQ+ Americans.

Inspired by her late mother, Catrine, Cyndi Lauper created the Girls Just Want to Have Fundamental Rights Fund to support organizations fighting for abortion and reproductive healthcare after SCOTUS overturned Roe v. Wade:

“If you don’t have control over your own body, how can you be anything but a second-class citizen? Now, the government has control over your body—not you. What should be a private medical decision between you and your doctor is now a government decision. So, this is a big issue for me.”

Good on Cyndi, and her  mother’s inspiration, for taking a stand.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson—or as I call him, Mr. Eraserhead—says he’s been “blown away” by calls for him to run for president, but says his focus is on his family.

For the love of the goddess, America? The Rock? Seriously?

In another story of a celebrity taking a stand, LeBron James will not air an episode of his HBO show The Shop that featured Kanye West. Maverick Carter, LeBron’s producing partner, said the decision was made after “talking to Kanye directly”:

“[After] talking to Kanye directly the day before we taped, I believed he was capable of a respectful discussion and he was ready to address all his recent comments. Unfortunately, he used The Shop to reiterate more hate speech and extremely dangerous stereotypes. We have made the decision not to air this episode or any of Kanye’s remarks … The Shop [has] … zero tolerance for hate speech of any kind and will never allow our channels to be used to promote hate … Hate speech should never have an audience.”

Good on James and Carter for standing up against Hate Speech; we need more of that in this country. We need everyone to call out Hate Speech, and refuse to vote for it, when they hear it.

Not so much a Would You Hit It, but another Which Chris Pine Would You Hit: formerly blond and shaggy Chris Pine from Don’t Worry Darling promotional tour, or the newly shorn silver fox Chris Pine?

Last week, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, AKA Eraserhead, doubled down on his recent comments about running for president, saying he has a “goal” to unite the country. The former professional wrestler and action film ‘star’ spoke out in response to a poll that claimed he would have massive support from Americans if he actually established and ran a presidential campaign:

“I do have that goal to unite our country. I also feel that, if this is what the people want, then I will do that.”

Siddown, Eraserhead. This is not what the people want. Oh, and if you had an actual plan, you’d tell us that first, not ask for a vote on the idea of a plan. Half of America fell for that lie in 2016 and we’re still digging our way out of it.

Sit down. Sit all the way down.

It's Snarkurday!

Lindsay Lohan—trying to rehab her image—may have a new gig ... a jewelry line.

No, seriously. Lohan, who was arrested in 2011 for taking a $2500 necklace from an LA boutique; she pleaded no contest to misdemeanor theft for that one.

So maybe, since Lohan is Tweeting of her new venture ... #LohanJewelry ... this is the real deal, though I imagine she’ll be selling her line out of the trunk of a car in an alley somewhere.

Just sayin’.

[photo]

In Katy Perry’s latest song, Swish Swish, she sings that it’s funny a certain “bish”—clearly Taylor Swift—can’t keep from saying her name. See, when Swish Swish was released, Katy, once again, whined her girl fight with Swifty over backup dancers from years back.

Well, through a “friend” because that’s how she rolls, Taylor Swift wants y’all to know that she wants no part of this mess ... any more. The “friend” says:

“She honestly wants no part of this, that’s why she avoids talking about it. She doesn’t want to engage.”

She does not want to engage even though she began the Snit when she wrote Bad Blood about Katy?

Bish, please.

[photo] 

Rumors are swirling that Fergie had—depending on who you listen to—been kicked out of, or dropped out of, the Black Eyed Peas over “creative differences.”

And now, will.i.am has confirmed the rumors to be true ... Fergie’s out. But the question remains ... is anyone still in the Black Eyed Peas?

I mean, their sell-by date was at least two years ago, though I think it’s been longer.

[photo]

Gwyneth Paltrow ... the gift that keeps on whining.

In an interview with The Edit, Goop continued to kvetch about why people don’t like her. She tried to replay that story about haters hating her because they are “unenlightened.” I mean, c’mon, if you don’t shell out $3,000 for a plain white t-shirt, or steam clean your ladybits, you really are a peasant.

Now Goop is saying that people don’t like her because ... wait for it ... she is an attractive successful woman. Seriously. Goop says:

“It’s got a few layers to it. People were fine with me as an actress, but with Goop it was like, ‘Stay in your lane.’ Women in general get a lot of pushback, especially if you’re successful and attractive… I’m not saying I’m attractive. I mean when you’re considered attractive.” 

Honey, you are a moderately talented, self-involved wannabe and, yeah, I don’t like you, but not because you’re moderately successful or moderately attractive but because you are full-on full of yourself.

Seriously, take a seat.

[photo]

Poor Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott ... I mean, really, poor.

Five months ago, City National Bank sued Tori and Dean over a bank loan. The reality whore couple owed $188,802 in loan payments, interest, and late charges, and Tori also owed more than $17,000 in overdraft fees and interest.

In March, City National issued a default judgment against Tori and Dean but they never paid the bill, so City National took it a step further. Tori and Dean were supposed to appear in court on May 22 to respond to City National’s request, but they didn’t show up. I guess they figured if they owed someone 200K and just sat it out, the bank would be all, “You know, never mind, we don’t need the money.”

Oh hell no. A judge granted a default judgment to City National and ordered Tori and Dean to pay $219,796.66 for the loan and Tori’s overdraft.

Tori and Dean better get to Lifetime or E! or Bravo or Pop or Logo or Animal Planet to try and scare up a reality show because shiz just got real.

$219,796.66 real.

[photo]

So Baywatch sank at the box office ... it drowned .. it belly-flopped ... pick a watery metaphor.

According to Box Office Mojo, its four-day domestic box office gross was less than $23 million, which is roughly a third of what a studio paid to make this mess. By comparison, Pirates of the Caribbean 5 came in at #1 with more than $78 million, so clearly people wanted to see a disaster at sea, but just not their disaster.

So, who to blame? Well, if you’re The Rock, who has now had a couple of bombs dropped into theaters this year, you blame the critics, by Tweeting:

“Bold move from this critic who watched #Baywatch w/other critics who laughed their ass off, but then they decide to trash it publicly.”

Maybe they weren’t laughing with you, but laughing at you.

Big difference, Rock ... huge.

[photo]

Jaden Smith has accused The Four Seasons hotel in Toronto, Ontario of trying to murder him. I know :::sigh:::: but according this self-entitled little brat the Five Star Corporate Hotel actually made things purposely horrible for him.

Will and Jada’s demon spawn is in Toronto filming the movie Year in a Life, and was staying at The Four Seasons when he had some issues and instead of calling the front desk, took his spoiled brat ramblings to Twitter:

“The Four Seasons In Toronto Just Made Me Want to Throw Up On MySelf.”

Someone needs to get back to an English class ... unless this is the title of his autobiography. Still, he did go on ...

“I Hope The Four Seasons In Toronto Puts Me On The No Stay List.”

Oh, honey, I’m sure they have.

“The Four Seasons In Toronto Spiked My Pancakes With Cheese, I'm Surprised I'm Still Alive.”

WTF? Someone needs to parent this tool.

“After They Kicked Me Out Of My Room”

Perhaps they kicked you out of your room for “acting” like a little bitch who thinks the world revolves around you.

I say kudos to The Four Seasons.

[photo]

ABC dug up the corpse of American Idol for the 2018 season and will pay Katy Perry some $25 million to judge the first season and one person is not happy about that.

Hint: it’s not Swifty.

Nope, Ryan Seacrest is none too happy with how much money he’s getting to host the show again because, yeah, it’s not Katy Money; in fact, it’s less than 50% of Katy Money ... just $10 million.

Sheesh, Seacrest spends more than that on Botox and hair products in a month.

I think someone needs to start a GoFundMe for Ryan.

[photo]

I find Armie Hammer hotter than hot because he’s a tall, beefy drink of water, and because, well, he went there during his onscreen love scene with Leonardo DiCaprio in their film, J. Edgar.

Hammer was on on Watch What Happens Live and Andy Cohen asked him about his role of Clyde Tolson, Hoover’s longtime lover and whether or not there was any, um, wood, during the kissing scenes between Hammer and Leo.

Armie gave a little nod and said, “Yes.”

Leo was one lucky onscreen homo for that film if I do say so myself.

[photo]

I don’t find Jamie Foxx funny or talented, but that’s okay because he thinks he’s all that ... and a bag of chips.

Foxx filmed a Tonight Show promo and decided to pretend to use sign language while lapdog Jimmy “Tousle ____’s Hair For A Laugh” Fallon laughed about it all. Trouble is the deaf community—represented by model/activist/dancer—Nyle DiMarco was not happy and took his outrage to Twitter:

“@iamjamiefoxx, It is straight up disrespectful to make up sign language.  Everything is in gibberish.”

Nyle then tried to educate Jamie about ASL:

“Jamie Foxx’s behavior with Jimmy Fallon on Fallon Tonight should not be tolerated anywhere.

We simply do not make fun of other cultures, especially those with a history of being marginalized. When we do this, progress takes a step backwards.

Sign Language is important to me because it is the bedrock of Deaf culture. The United Nations Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities says Sign Language is a human right of deaf people, and out of the 70 million worldwide, only 2% have access to education in Sign Language.

That’s why I started the Nyle DiMarco Foundation.

We are working with other organizations to ensure every deaf child has usable language before the age of 5.

What Foxx did on Fallon Tonight made our struggle that much harder.”

I wonder if it might have been quicker to use the universal sign of the One Fingered Salute for Foxx.

Maybe that he’d understand.

[photo]

It's Snarkurday: Breakups and Makeups

Breakup ... Mariah Carey and her backup-dancer-boy-toy, Brian Tanaka.

It's true, sadly; Mimi and her ‘Casper Smart,’ if you will, are over; and even that tender, totally spontaneous hot tub moment from Mariah’s craptastic reality show, Mariah’s World, couldn’t save them.

But, my friends, is it a shock? I mean, she went from being engaged to a billionaire who gave her a $10 million engagement ring, to a dancer who eats Ramen five nights a week, and we all know Mimi’s about the coins, not the Cup’o’Noodles.

[photo]

Breakup ... Janet Jackson and her billionaire husband Wissam Al Mana.

After five ALLEGED years of marriage, and I say ‘ALLEGED’ because Janet never revealed when they wed, it's come to an end ALLEGEDLY because the marriage became too tough for Controlling Jackson.

Al Mana, a Muslim, ALLEGEDLY laid down the law to Miss Jackson and told her to tone down her costumes, and not show so much skin, when she toured in 2014; it was also suggested that he forbid any bumping, grinding, hip thrusts, or crotch grabs in her videos.

But apparently the end came when Al Mana was less than sympathetic to Janet’s mother, Katherine, and her claims of elder abuse against her nephew Trent. 

You diss mama, and Janet moves out ... apparently. And she moves out with what is ALLEGED to be a prenup settlement of somewhere between $200 and $00 million dollars.

For five years of marriage? Where do I sign up?

[photo]

Makeup ... Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and Vin Diesel.

There was a lot of talk about diva behavior and catfights on the set of The Fate Of The Furious last summer after Johnson Instagrammed about “someone” being Public Asshole #1 on the set, and it was clear he was talking pint-sized, balding diva Vin.

Diesel then shot back by promising to spill the tea on Dwayne, but apparently he just meant that one time he actually spilled iced tea on Johnson ... or something.

But now the Big Man and Little Boy, with the movie opening, are playing nice with one another ... just in case there’s a Fate of the Furious Two.

[photo]

Breakup ... Gwyneth Paltrow and Reality.

It seems Paltrow, after declaring herself a lifestyle expert and pissing off Martha, is now coming for Not-A-Real-Doctor Phil.

Yup, Goop is now lecturing depressed people on how to deal with their illness and her solution is something she calls “earthing.”

It involves walking around on earth with your shoes off.

Like I said, Goop and Reality broke up and Reality got custody of the brain.

[photo]

Breakup ... Makeup ... Breakup ... Phil Collins’ third ex-wife, and current girlfriend, Orianne Collins.

Last week Orianne finally  settled her bitter divorce with businessman Charles Fouad Mejjati. She had claimed that Mejjati made her sign papers giving him their multimillion-dollar Miami home and primary custody of their son while she was under the influence of painkillers from a surgical procedure, but now all that’s been settled amicably ... with a large check to Orianne.

Don’t think that’s shade ... Orianne got some $50 million from Collins when she divorced him and now that she’s back with him again, she still gets to keep those coins.

[photo]

Breakup ... Orlando Bloom and The Truth.

It was just eight months ago, when photographers captured Bloom paddleboarding with his then-girlfriend Katy Perry while he was buck nekkid and now he’s trying to tell us that he had no idea people would be interested in his penis.

Bloom says he has a certain “radar” about paparazzi being nearby but when he was nude paddleboarding for some reason his radar was on the fritz and he had no idea anyone was taking dick shots of him.

Yup, a movie star dating  a pop star goes to a public beach—I almost wrote “pubic” beach—and drops trou to short the world his Little Bloom and doesn’t think anyone, anyone, will snap a photo or two.

Sit down, Orlando, and put your pants on.

[photo]

Makeup ... Caitlyn Jenner and her Olympic-sized Ego.

Jenner has a new memoir, The Secrets Of My Life, and talks about having gender reassignment surgery, but she knew she’d need something far juicier to sell some copies and what’s juicier: OJ Simpson.

Since the OJ trial got a lot of attention last year—American Crime Story and O.J.: Made In America—Caitlyn brings it up in her book and pulls out some new details about Robert Kardashian, the ex-husband of Bruce Jenner’s former wife, That Woman.

Caitlyn is now claiming that Kardashian—who has since passed away and cannot call her a lair—told her that he thought OJ was guilty; okay, not so juicy.

Caitlyn then says that she knows that Kardashian only took the case—becoming part of Simpson’s ‘Dream Team’—because That Woman hated OJ and he wanted to get back at her for leaving him and marrying an Olympic Gold medalist.

Wow, only Caitlyn Jenner could insert herself into the OJ case twenty-five years later.

[photo]