Why Is It ...

… that I realized I may have a drinking problem because the other day over breakfast Carlos asked me to toast some bread for him and I raised my martini and said, “Here’s to bread!”

… that everything nowadays is so expensive ... even dirty deeds are no longer done dirt cheap.

… that I can't help but laugh at those little teenagers walking into school with their iced coffees. My generation took vodka to school in water bottles, rookies!

… that gas is so high that the mailman is working from home; he calls me and reads my bills to me.

… that the next time you’re down about life put it all in perspective. I have a friend that has sex 2 to 3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week, and yet every day he complains how much he hates prison.

… that when something needs to be said and no one wants to say, I’m already over here clearing my throat. Don’t worry, I got this.

… that when I was eating chicken a vegan walked up to me and said, “What you’re eating had a family,” and I replied, “That’s why I ordered the family bucket. No one gets left behind.”

… that when people tell me swearing isn’t necessary I always shout, "I know it fucking isn't! I’m vulgar not stupid."

… that I don’t think I drink too much coffee but I do believe my body will keep moving up to forty-eight hours after my death.

… that my tastes have always been vanilla, more mild than wild. But I'm super into B&D now. Block and Delete.

Why Is It ...

… that I suddenly woke up one day to realize that I know more medications on The Pitt than I do musical guests on SNL.

… that I cannot stop myself when I speak. I was in court once and the judge told me I had to tell the truth, and then started to ask, “Do you swear …” and I replied, “Every day, motherfucker” and suddenly I was in a cell for something called 'contempt'.

… that people say skydiving is scary but I say “What about being at a friend of a friends house and you use the bathroom and the toilet won’t flush? Terrifying.

… that while seeing my therapist he suggested I stop doing weird things, so I told him I went to the park that day; he asked if I’d gotten anything out of it, and I opened my coat and said, “I got this duck.”

… that my friends don’t realize that when I say, “I might join you later,” I mean, “You have a better chance seeing Tupac riding a unicorn than you have of seeing me later.”

… that being an adult ruins weekends … on Friday I’m exhausted after work, and on Saturdays I want to chill but there are errands and chores to be done, while on Sundays I’m pissed off because it’s basically Monday again.

… that when a form asks who to call in case of an emergency I always write “Ambulance” because no one in my family is answering an unknown number.

… that when a friend asked if I wanted to go out on Friday I said I would but I already have my jammies on and everything, and then he said, “But it’s only Tuesday,” to which I replied, “I said what I said.”

… that while at a friends house I remarked that the candles smell like Fireball, and the hostess said, “For those of us who aren’t heavy drinkers, Bob, that scent is cinnamon.”

… that people realize that, while at times they can take me down, I will rise again, like a phoenix, that tripped over an extension cord, hurt my shoulder and then awkwardly stood up.

Why Is It ...

… that no one ever told me rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive

… that people don’t realize the biggest joke on mankind is that computers are now asking us to prove we aren’t robots.

… that while money can’t buy happiness it’s easier to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.

…that people need to know that if they have a problem with me they can always call me, but if you don’t have my number you clearly don’t know me well enough to have a problem

… that Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant but we’re trying for world peace.

… that when a co-worker muttered something about profanity being low class, all I could think to say was, “Apologies, my good bitch, but what seems to be the fuck?”

… that sometimes it blows my mind to realize that I was the most qualified sperm

… that sometimes you have to keep forgiving them while searching for someone to replace them; it’s called elimination by substitution

… that one minute you’re young and the next you have a favorite pharmacy

… that people should learn that self-care isn’t always chocolate and Netflix, sometimes it’s getting out of bed and doing more difficult tasks like summoning a demon to help with the dishes or finding the right number of chickens to appease the thing that lives in the attic

Why Is It ...

… that when people ask me why I don’t have any self-control I remind them that I have cooked for people I should have poisoned so, yes, I do have self-control

… that I’ve just come to realize that I swing both ways … but violently, and with a bat; come at me motherfuckers

… that I learned that I have reached the age where I don’t make eye contact with people because they look like a “talker”

… that I always tell people, “It doesn’t matter if you’re ugly or beautiful because at the end of the day it’s evening.”

… that when a  co-worker asked why I used F-bombs so much I replied, “What the fuck is an F-bomb?” Seriously, these kids and their lingo.

… that some really attractive people are called “eye candy” but most of y’all are just “eye okra.”

… that people need to learn that canceling plans is okay, and making coffee just for yourself is okay, and  plotting revenge on your enemies is okay and drinking coffee out of the skulls of your enemies is okay. It’s called self-care.

… that while I naturally look mad people don’t understand that it’s just my default face settings.

… that people need to know that I only accept cash apologies because it’s called accountability and it needs to go in to my account.

… that if I had the chance to meet many people again, I’d block them from day one.

Why Is It ...

… that old people always want to remind you how much harder they worked in their day but get annoyed when I remind them that in their day soda had cocaine in it.

… that whatever life throws at me, I duck and let it hit someone else.

… that there are times when I love doing a random act of kindness, like keeping my mouth shut for example!

… that I need to remind myself to normalize throwing lamps at people who need to lighten up

… that when people tell me I have a crazy sense of humor I always says, “Thanks. I would have been lobotomized in the 1940s!”

… that I’d like to thank my bestie for being friends with me; it’s a baffling decision but Thanks!

… that when someone tells me that swearing is unattractive, I say, “I wasn’t trying to attract you, now fuck off.”

… that I have days when I wonder if I sit in rice if it will fix me.

… that y’all need  to realize you don’t want to break anyone’s heart because they just have the one. Go for the bones, cuz there’s like 206 of them.

The Funny Papers

Gary Huck, Chris Britt, Rick McKee, Bill Bramhall, Max Espinoza, Matt Wuerker, Dennis Goris, Michael de Adder, Nick Anderson, Lalo Alcaraz, Matt Davies, Pedro X Molina, Clay Bennett, Benjamin Slyngstad

Why Is It ...

… that one day, when my boss said to me, “You didn’t listen to a single thing I just said,” I replied, “That’s a weird way to start a conversation.”

… that nothing inspires the words “Fuck off” more than someone telling me to watch my language.

… that this getting old thing is taxing; I blacked out for twenty minutes this morning before I realized I’d put my hoodie on backwards.

… that another day has gone by and I have still never used (a + b)² = a² + 2ab + b²

… that the best way to hang up on someone is in the middle of your own sentence because that way they will never suspect you hung up on them

… that I am not much for seizing the day when you can just poke it with a stick!

… that when my mind goes quiet I instantly suspect that I am up to something I don’t want me to know about.

… that whenever one door closes I want to get a hammer and nails to make sure that bitch stays shut.

… that based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

… that today I found a new work recipe … 1 cup of cluster and 1 cup of fuck.

Why Is It ...

… that people always tell me to “just be myself” and forget that I have already tried that and traumatized everybody.

… that people have yet to learn that I want to be invited so I can say No.

… that I often wonder what the part of my brain that used to memorize telephone numbers is doing now.

… that no one understands that I have an on again off again relationship with reality

… that when you tap a video online you can see how much longer it plays but you can’t do the same to people.

… that I like to surround myself with people who have extensive vocabularies but still choose to say ‘fuck’ a lot.

… that people don’t see that I am so fine that I stay in the house all day because I am like a collector’s item.

… that the key to looking amazing is looking like crap most of the time so looking good is more of a surprise.

… that if I am giving you any attention, you should feel blessed since my real passion is ignoring people.

… that most people don’t realize that getting old means you prefer day drinking to staying out all night.

Why Is It ...

… that it’s okay for a cat to run and hide  under a bed when visitors come by but when I do it it’s “rude” and “antisocial.”

… that most people don’t realize  that, unfortunately, I always have something smart to say.

… that no one realizes that I don’t miss calls, I stare at them.

… that some days the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.

… that no one believes me when I say that I will cut back on my sarcasm and only use it on days that begin with a T … like Tuesday or Thursday … Today and Tomorrow

.... that I have yet to learn that I shouldn’t sit on the floor without a solid plan on how to get up

... that people need to learn that while I am not easily offended, I am also easily annoyed.

… that people forget that the day they handed out patience  I left early because it was taking too long.

… that my boss said to me, ‘What are you doing?’ And I replied that I was watching a tutorial on effectively dealing with co-workers, and he said, ‘That’s a kickboxing video.’ And I said, ‘I know.’

… that I often wonder what the other me’s are up to in those other dimensions.

Why Is It ...

… that people will write a paragraph to disagree with me on social media and never think that I hit Delete as soon as I see it.

… that I love when people are rude to me because, oh my god, no way, it’s now my turn.

… that my boss doesn’t see that I am humble enough to know I’m replaceable at work, but also confident enough to know that it will take at least three people.

… that no one realizes that I am quite adept at using all the swear words in a single sentence.

… that people need to realize that if they hear me telling the same story twice, just let it go. I only have six memories and they all take turns.

… that I am planning on engaging in orange cat behavior today and, no, I will not explain.

... that after 50, you're like an old phone battery. Even when you charge yourself overnight for 10 hours, by 10 AM you're at 60%. 

… that being an adult is so weird. I'm unsupervised all the time, how unsafe.

… that I am so easily annoyed by feelings, people, my own thoughts … honestly I don’t even know why I started this list. I’m already irritated

… that sometimes I listen to someone and think ‘Holy shit, you’ve got the IQ of a crayon.’

Why Is It ...

… that when my boss told me he was going to make a swear jar just for me I said I don’t have the kind of income to keep up with my mouth.

… that people around people who don’t swear makes me feel like I am in an unsafe environment.

… that what some people call multitasking, I call doing something else until I remember what I was going to do in the first place.

… that I am not actually funny, I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.

… that people need to know that while I cannot change water into wine, I can turn tequila into bad decisions and total fucking mayhem.

… that I giggle before I go crazy because I gotta rev that engine.

… that I may not be the best looking, or the smartest, but I am am also not the nicest so please stop talking to me.

… that y’all don’t realize that I need a leaf blower … for people.

… that no one realizes that South Carolina has Winter, then Fake Spring, and then Spring, and when you’re in Fake Spring you must remember that Winter is just around the corner with a folding chair.

Why Is It ...

… that even though I can tell who is real and who is fake, I love watching a fake person’s acting skills.

… that everyone hates math until they get their paycheck and suddenly they all know calculus.

… that when people text me "Where you at” I always look around for a minute before I lie.

… that it doesn’t matter if you’re ugly or beautiful, at the end of the day it’s evening.

… that mind is like a web browser; 21 tabs are open, 3 are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from.

… that people need to learn that when I say “I’ll call you later,” I mean later in life, not later today.

… that while I know I swear a lot ... [A] I am sorry ... [B] I’ll watch my mouth from now on ... [C] A & B are lies ... [D] You can fuck off.

… that while I am trying to stop being mean, y’all need to stop being stupid first.

… thatI have been told that I am going to Hell for my excessive use of the F-word, but I have rented a bus if any of you fuckers want a ride.

Why Is It ...

… that sometimes I feel like giving up even though I know I have a lot of people to prove wrong.

… that I’m still tired from yesterday’s tired and today isn’t looking so good and I’ve already used up tomorrow’s tired.

… that every day I try to decide if I should be an example or a warning to others.

… that people should stop asking me for moral support when they all know I have questionable morals.

… that I am always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.

… that I’m pretty sure I only need one more bad decision and then I’ll have the whole set. 

… that people are afraid to share my posts because they think the SWAT team will come knocking on their door. I mean, the SWAT team doesn’t knock.

… that, while I don’t know if I could ever ‘complete’ someone, driving them batshit crazy sounds doable.

… that if anyone uses the F-word twice in a single sentence I feel like I have found My People.

… that it took me this long to get my Senior GPS. I mean, not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there in the first place.

Why Is It ...

… that I need 10 incomes for the lifestyle I have in my head.

… that people who abhor swearing get angry with me because I can formulate an intelligent sentence and still throw a motherfucker in just for the Hell of it. Learn to juggle people.

… that people don’t get it when I say I can’t go out because the cats expect me home at a certain hour.

… that you may call them ‘Red Flags’ but I call them Ten Fun Facts you don’t know about me.

… that my car will be on Empty and I’ll drive past 4 gas stations and just go home.

… that I always see adults pour a glass of wine and fill it only halfway and I think, ‘One of us is doing this wrong and I think it’s you.’

… that holding back my sarcastic replies takes nearly all my inner strength.

… that I’ve been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I looked up my symptoms online. It’s adulthood … I have adulthood.

… that when people wonder if I can be any more annoying, I always say, “Oh god, yes!”

… that they say right before you die your life flashes before your eyes. If that’s true, I hope it includes the blackouts because that would be like bonus footage and deleted scenes on a DVD.

Why Is it ...

… that I wouldn’t call myself quirky but there is definitely something wrong with me.

… that my boss asked me why I was gone for seven hours to smoke and I told him, "It was a brisket and that’s how long it takes. What?"

… that curly fries are my favorite snack because they are salty and spiraling … like me.

… that there are people my age out there climbing mountains and running marathons and zip-lining, and I’m here at home reveling in the glory that is getting my leg through my underwear without toppling over.

… that while I may not have lost all my marbles I admit there’s a small hole in the bag somewhere.

… that in the old days my taste in dates was so bad, that my Walk of Shame was on my way to the date.

… that you can burn all the sage you want but still you don’t understand that I will be back.

… that people at work are mad that I have taken to calling everyone “fucker.” I mean, when you think about it, “fucker” is gender neutral so I'm being politically correct.

Why Is It ...

… that I just realized that run spelled backwards is nur … and it’s a nur from me?

… that one of my toxic traits is assuming that people have common sense and then getting mad when they don’t.

… that most people don’t like it when I give away free samples of my attitude?

… that instead of cleaning the house, I turn on an episode of Hoarders and think, ‘Well, my house looks pretty good.’

… that people don’t understand that I don’t actually curse … I ‘m simply fluent in Trucker, with a Sailor dialect and a Construction accent.

… that it only takes one slowing walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person?

… that when people say they like my personality, I say, ‘Thanks, I have six more.’

… that I love having a best friend that, when people see us together, say, ‘Oh my god, there’s two of them.’

… that I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t drink coffee and say ‘Fuck’ a lot.

Why Is It ...

… that no one understands I suffer from a  disorder where I speak the truth and it pisses people off?

… that I consider it a successful work day if I can get through it without saying the word ‘fuck’? Oh, and I rarely have successful work days … just sayin’.

… that now that my Winter Fat has gone away, I’ve discovered I have Spring Rolls.

… that I don’t care about “giving my all,” but would rather do about 60% and still have time for my shows?

… that I often think of myself as Tsar Chasm?

… that, for me, eye rolls are my cardio.

… that some days I amaze myself and other days I put my keys in the fridge.

… that no one will allow me to normalize booing in the workplace?

… that I love water … frozen into cubes … blended with tequila.

Bobservations

Carlos had a court interpretation the other day, and over dinner he was telling me about the case of a young Hispanic girl who kept running away from home, spending days and days at a friend’s house.

Well, apparently the young girl had a girlfriend at the other house and that’s why she kept running away from home. Carlos was telling m that the girl’s mother was upset because she kept coming home with doohickeys on her neck.

“Hickeys.”

“What?”

“They’re called hickeys, not doohickeys.”

“What’s the difference?”

“A hickey is sometimes called a ‘love bite,’ while a doohickey is a word you use for a tool or something, the name of which you can't remember.”

He looked confused. So I called him a doohickey!

This Tuxedo Memory is from January 2019:

“On the chilly days Tuxedo likes to use MaxGoldberg as a pillow.”

And MaxGoldberg never really seemed to mind! Those two boys were the best of friends.

I just finished watching AHS: Delicate and I am officially done with the show if it ever comes back.

Gone are the days of Jessica Lange, Sarah Paulsen, Evan Peters, and Frances Conroy to be replaced by Kim Kardastrophe.

I’m done.

Please tell me that I wasn’t the only one who thought that little piggy was at the Piggly Wiggly or some such?

Does anyone else find it ironic that the anti-immigrant crowd wants immigrants to speak English and yet the anti-immigrant crowd clearly has its own problem with the language?

Okay, why? Why the need for a belt that is so much bigger than your waist that when it hangs loose it has a penis drawn on the backside?

I mean, I’m not a prude, unzip your pants and let your real penis fly!

And here’s the gift that keeps on giving, for those days when I run out of Fucks to give, I always have a stash on hand.

Ever notice that when there’s an earthquake in a  Blue state the GOP always calls it a sign from God as punishment for liberal politics, but when tornadoes tear through a Red state all you get from the GOP is :::crickets:::

And then we have the latest photograph of our esteemed Supreme Kangaroo Court of the United States. All hail SKCOTUS!

Chris Williamson is a fitness model , a reality tv star, a podcaster, a YouTuber and a club promoter but Would You Hit It?

Why Is It ...

… that I often feel the stupidity of a Tweet is only exceeded by the stupidity of someone thinking it was a smart thing to Tweet?

… that when I learned that the average American drops about 80-90 cuss words a day, or about 5 per hour, I learned that I am above average in something?

… that some people visit my past more often than I do? Don’t they know that I sold the building and don’t live there anymore?

… that people don’t get it that my first language is talking sh*t?

… that every time I use self-checkout line the person in front of me has never used self-checkout, or touchscreens or money before?

… that I wasn’t so much born to hustle and grind, but to dilly and dally.

… that Mozart could write his first symphony at age seven, but I, as an adult, have to rehearse what I’m going to say at the drive-thru?

… that I want to be cuddled and yet I also want to be left the Hell alone? I mean, is being crazy this hard to understand?

Tuesday Thought #2