Snarky Thoughts

Reboots annoy me because I say why mess with the original unless it was a real piece of crap. And Naked Gun, and all its sequels, were far from crap. They were stupid humor and sight gag riots and very funny, yet Hollywood clearly thinks it’s time to revive them. So, who will they get to star, and take over the role made famous by Leslie Nielsen? It’s none other than comedy legend Liam Neeson, who is  in talks to take over the role as Nielsen’s character’s son, Frank Drebin Jr.

My Thought: I’ve seen Liam nekkid and perhaps they should call the film Naked Bazooka. But please don’t make Naked Gun: 5: Taken: 6.

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Kevin Spacey took the stand in his own defense to dispute allegations he sexually assaulted actor Anthony Rapp four decades ago, and promptly told the jury that his father was a neo-Nazi.

My Thought: Spacey’s first excuse for being an ALLEGED pedophile was that he’s a gay man because we all know gay men fuck children, but now he’s switched up to ‘Daddy was a Nazi.”? You’re a perv, Kevin, you’re a perv.

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I used to think Khloé Kardastrophe  was the Queen of Standing By Her Man Who Sticks His Peen Wherever He can, but it looks country singer and actor Jana Kramer—never heard of her? Me either—is stealing the crown. But now Kramer has decided to divorce former football player Mike Caussin—who told her he would dump her ass if she ever cheated—and ALLEGES that he cheated on her with thirteen different women.

My Thought: Do Tristan or Caussin have magic penises? I mean, why else would women put up with this?

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If you have always believed the Kardastrophe’s are a Koven, I have some proof for you. After years of running around pimping sex tapes of her daughter, and the lives of her other spawn, That Woman had to have hip-replacement surgery. But instead of showering her mother with good wishes and kindness, Kimmy asked for Mama’s hip bones so she could turn them into jewelry.

My Thought: I know That Woman is, as kd lang once famously sang, A Big Boned Gal, but seriously how many pairs of earrings can you get from her hip bones? 200? 300?

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I don’t know much about actor Megan Fox but I do know I love this story. Fox—who rarely shares public photos of her children—did share pictures of herself posing seductively on a swing at the home she shares with fiancé Machine Gun Kelly. And one troll decided to come for her by asking, “Where your kids at?” and Fox replied: 

“Wait wait wait. I…have kids?!? Oh my god I knew I forgot something!! Quick, someone call the valet at the Beverly Hills hotel. That’s the last place I remember seeing them. Maybe someone turned them into lost and found.”

My Thought: and that’s how the clap back is done.

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I loathe Tom Brady, and today, if possible, I loathe him even more. Brady was a guest on the Let’s Go podcast and decided to talk—which is clearly not his strong suit, but neither is staying married—about how he has a tough time focusing on his family during football season. And he compared himself, a pampered self-entitled multi-millionaire athlete plays a game and then goes home to his mansion every night to … wait for it, it’s epic … to service members; Brady actually said leaving for “football season [is] like you’re going away on deployment for the military. And it’s like, ‘Man, here I go again.’”

My Thought: Brady should shut the fuck up, but since we know he won’t, why not donate, oh I dunno, all of his salary to members of the military who put their lives on the line and come home disfigured and battered and suffering PTSD just so he can throw a football and win a ring.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

I’ve always liked actor Liam Neeson after seeing him as the deaf, mute war veteran in Suspect. But who knew that it might have been best for Neeson to be, well, mute in real life?

Neeson is promoting Cold Pursuit in which he plays a man who goes on a killing spree after someone close to him is killed or hurt or kidnapped; in other words, it’s like another Taken movie. But while talking with The Independent about the film Neeson shared a terrible story about how, when he was much younger, he spent days hunting for any black man to hurt or maim or kill … seriously. It began when a close friend told him that she’d been raped by a black man and that sent Neeson off:

“I asked, did she know who it was? No. What color were they? She said it was a black person. I went up and down areas with a cosh [a heavy metal bar], hoping I’d be approached by somebody – I’m ashamed to say that – and I did it for maybe a week, hoping some  ‘black bastard’ would come out of a pub and have a go at me about something, you know? So that I could kill him.”

Yes. He did say that because a friend of his was raped by a black man that he wanted to kill any black man that crossed his path. Seriously … mute would have been better than admitting you were on same racist hunt for any black man to kill.

Someone should tell Neeson when it’s best to stop talking because his promotional tour has become less about the film and more about his admission of racism.

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I’m’a just say it … Mo’Nique is a hot mess. She’s raised the roof over the way she thinks she was badly treated by everyone from Oprah to Tyler Perry to Lee Daniels; she thinks Netflix should be boycotted because they didn’t pay her as much as they paid Amy Schumer for a comedy special; while on The View she tussled with Whoopi Goldberg and then began calling Goldberg “the help” in a subsequent interviews; and now even Steve Harvey isn’t safe.

While appearing on Harvey’s chat show, Mo’Nique ALLEGEDLY got so irritated by Harvey that she threatened to hit him when he told her that she needed to publicly apologize to Whoopi and that’s when she threatened to hit him, and Steve said if she did that, her husband better come out onstage so they could square off.

Mo’Nique? You’re funny and talented, but you’re really angry. Switch to decaf, girl, because one day the punches will be coming at you.

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NeNe Leakes of Real Housewives of Atlanta has an ego as big as her veneers because she’s now saying that Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Lisa Vanderpump stole PUMP restaurant from her.

Seriously. NeNe went on Jenny McCarthy’s SiriusXM show to accuse Vanderpump of theft though she couldn’t remember her name and started off calling her Lisa Rinna:

“You know I actually said the wrong name. … I meant Lisa Vanderpump. I did not mean to say Lisa Rinna. She knows that we have a little something, something she did to me. I’ve never really addressed it. … She did some real foul shit to me.”

NeNe says she was debating buying the space in West Hollywood that is now PUMP and opening a bar and even consulted restauranteur Vanderpump about it:

“At the time, Greg [Leakes] and I were living in [LA] and I was working on Glee and New Normal. We ride down that West Hollywood area where all the gay bars are—and I have a large gay fanbase—and I kept thinking, ‘It would be so cool if I had a bar right in here somewhere.’ And that space was empty and kind of raggedy-looking and torn down.”

Nene then spoke to Vanderpump about the idea of a bar and says Lisa convinced her not to do it, and then swooped in and bought the place herself.

Right, NeNe, I believe you …especially since PUMP opened almost five years ago and you’re only yapping now. And what might you have called it?  Because I’d rather hang at a gay bar called PUMP than one called LEAKES.

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In what I first thought was an epic joke, I’ve now learned that Tyra “Fivehead” Banks wants to open a theme park called … wait for it … Modelland in the Santa Monica Place shopping mall. Opening this year, the 21,000-square-foot space will be a “fantasy version of the modelling world” and will let visitors “be the dream version of themselves.”

For the love of Balenciaga, it isn’t a joke. And it will crash and burn faster than a Kanye West fashion show.

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Cindy McCain, the widow John McCain, has been a wealthy entitled heiress all her life. The bulk of the McCains’ wealth was always from Cindy’s family. Cindy has a daughter, Bridget, whom she adopted from Bangladesh.

Keep that in mind … in a radio interview on KTAR Cindy claimed she singlehandedly stopped a human trafficking incident at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport:

“I came in from a trip I’d been on and I spotted—it looked odd—it was a woman of a different ethnicity than the child, this little toddler she had, and something didn’t click with me. I went over to the police and told them what I saw, and they went over and questioned her, and, by God, she was trafficking that kid.”

McCain also said the woman was waiting for the man who bought the child to arrive from his flight, but Phoenix police say that, while officers did respond to Cindy’s call, there was no evidence of criminal conduct or child endangerment.

So, Cindy McCain sees a … and I’m guessing here … a brown woman with a white child … or even vice versa … and instantly calls the police? Cindy McCain, a white woman with a Bangladeshi daughter, called the police on a mother and child for merely existing.

Perhaps she and Liam Neeson should hook up and make the world safe from brown people.

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I thought NeNe’s story was the height of incredulity and then Tyra swooped in with Modelland. But neither one compares to this story …at the Grammys this Sunday Jennifer Lopez will be performing a tribute to … wait for it … it’s epic … Motown, the legendary record label celebrating its 60th anniversary this year.

I guess all those artists who were, or are, part of the Motown family, were unable to attend? Or maybe JLo wriggled her fat ass in the front of the line. More ironic is that Diana Ross will be performing at the Grammys as well, but not as part of the Motown tribute.

Seriously.

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Last week Michael Bolton was doing a live TV interview with Australia’s The Morning Show to talk about the release of a new album of hits which have been rearranged with an orchestra and it appeared to the viewers and to hosts Kylie Gillies and Larry Emdur that he had fallen asleep.

No surprise there, his music has also made me slip into a coma.

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RantGate: I Don't Get It

Is everyone out for their fifteen minutes of fame? Is it us seeking the attention. or is it the media focusing the attention on us. For every news story out there, we suffer through countless more tales of those people on the fringe, who knew somebody, worked with somebody, had once been in the same situation, saw it, heard it, smelled it, felt it. It's a need for attention that I don't understand.

I don't get it.

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Beau Breedlove had an affair with out Portland Mayor Sam Adams back in 2005. It was a big scandal, with everyone, or almost everyone, calling for Adams to resign. He didn't; and he's still the mayor.

But Breedlove took his, ahem, media exposure to a new level. It wasn't enough that his personal live, personal love, personal affair, personal fling, whatever it was, was splashed all over the papers and the web. No, Breedlove took himself to Unzipped magazine and posed for the cover, using the story to further his career, or whatever.

Inside the May issue of Unzipped, Breedlove will tell all about his relationship with Adams and how the story broke, he'll reveal all about his own sex life and the kind of men he finds most attractive, and, of course, he'll do it buck naked.

I don't get it.

Is that what Breedlove wanted? To be a cover model for a male magazine? To be a nude model? No big deal there. But why exploit yourself and the relationship you had in the past. Is it only to be famous?

Because there's fame, and then there's infamy.

And they are not the same.

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I don't like to talk about the OctoMom because it makes me cringe thinking about those poor children who will be trotted out at every birthday and Christmas, Halloween and whatever day their Mama needs mo' money.

They are being used. She's the user.

It isn't a miracle she had eight babies. it was science.

So please, Entertainment Tonight and Today, quit using that word.

And the part I don't get is that when this miserable excuse for a parent was bringing home two of her eight babies, the car was surrounded by the media; the shoved at the car, they tried to keep Octo from closing the garage door; they tried to crawl under the garage door.

It was so terrifying that, inside the car, Octo was dialing 911.....AGAIN!....to ask for police help.

And how do we know all this?

Because she had Entertainment Tonight inside the car with her! She called the police to say that the media was dangerously close to her and her babies while she had the media in the car with her!

This is the worst case of media whore-ness I've ever seen.

I think we could all do ourselves a favor by not watching this tragedy unfold any further. Don't read about it online, or watch on TV. Don't talk about it.

Seriously.

I'm done as of right no.....

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That plane crash in Montana in which fourteen people lost their lives.

The media keeps mentioning that seven of them were children.

As if that's worse that the children were killed and not the adults.

But then they take it a step further and talk about the children, and the ones that were under ten years of age.

I guess if you're a child over ten, or an adult, dying in a fiery plane crash doesn't warrant any sympathy.

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I saw some video of the church service and funeral for Natasha Richardson.

Liam Neeson, his sons, Vanessa Redgrave, her sister Lynne, and the rest of Natasha's family stood outside the church posing for photographers, apparently in the hopes that the press might leave them alone.

They were burying a wife, mother, niece, daughter, sister, friend, and they have to pose for pictures to guarantee some sense of privacy.

it's outrageous.

But what makes it worse, is that just after seeing the images of the family posing, the next story was Did Natasha Have To Die? The media has grabbed onto this story and dug it's heels in deep. The woman is barely dead, the family is still mourning, and yet all the conversation turns to any mistakes that may, or may not, have been made, and who made them.

Can't we just let her rest in peace and let her family grieve?

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Fifteen minutes.

I don't want mine, so they're up for grabs.