Why Is It ...

… that people always tell me to “just be myself” and forget that I have already tried that and traumatized everybody.

… that people have yet to learn that I want to be invited so I can say No.

… that I often wonder what the part of my brain that used to memorize telephone numbers is doing now.

… that no one understands that I have an on again off again relationship with reality

… that when you tap a video online you can see how much longer it plays but you can’t do the same to people.

… that I like to surround myself with people who have extensive vocabularies but still choose to say ‘fuck’ a lot.

… that people don’t see that I am so fine that I stay in the house all day because I am like a collector’s item.

… that the key to looking amazing is looking like crap most of the time so looking good is more of a surprise.

… that if I am giving you any attention, you should feel blessed since my real passion is ignoring people.

… that most people don’t realize that getting old means you prefer day drinking to staying out all night.

The Funny Papers

Dennis Goris, RJ Matson, Jack Ohman, Jeffrey Koterba, Ann Telnaes, Mike Luckovich, Garvy Varvel, Darrin Bell, Drew Sheneman, Michael de Addder, Tim Campbell, Nick Anderson, Chris Britt, Gary Huck, Dave Granlund, Clay Bennett

A Tale of Two Tennessee's

It hasn’t been so long that I’ve forgotten how “gay marriage” was the weapon of fear used by the GOP to get themselves elected; they spread the fear that, by allowing homosexuals to marry, traditional marriages would be ruined or destroyed … though no one ever said how this might happen. They even attempted to spin the lie that if you allowed a same-sex couple to marry, then you’d have to allow men marrying children, dogs, their cars because, well, fear.

But look around, it’s been six years since marriage equality came to be and I haven’t seen one heterosexual marriage dissolve because I married Carlos, and I haven’t been asked to the wedding or man and machine, woman and animal, or even children. It was all fear and lies, spread by the GOP.

So, because they can’t use that any longer what will they do? Attack the trans community; the new “them”. It started with the bathroom bills of a few years ago when the GOP told us that men will dress as women so they can go into a woman’s restroom and sexually harass or even rape women, even though there has not been a single case of this happened.

Sidenote: men have been raping women since time began and never needed to slip on a dress and use the ladies’ room to do it.

And now, in Tennessee, because, well, Tennessee, a veritable hot bed of ignorant backwards thinking politicians, both chambers of the state Legislature have passed a bill that would require businesses to post notices that say they allow transgender people to use the building’s restrooms.

The bathroom bill is back, y’all, only now they want to punish a business that accepts everyone; you know, this way the bigots can go somewhere else to shop or eat or browse. And if signed, this bill—which would require signs at the entrances to the building and the door of every restroom that isn’t single stalled—would make Tennessee the first state in the country to adopt legislation seeking to single out trans-affirming businesses for allowing trans people to use bathrooms that align with their gender identity.

How proud Tennesseans must be.

The bill’s sponsor, state Representative and Republican, because, of course, Tim Rudd seriously believes his bill isn’t aimed at transgender people since it doesn’t ban them from using the restroom altogether, though it might make businesses refuse restrooms to trans people. Instead, he says it’s aimed at “the protection of women and children against sexual predators that could be taking advantage of policies, executive orders or legislation that may allow the opposite sex to enter a restroom, shower or locker that allows more than one person in the facility at a time.”

Oh, we’re back to rapists putting on dresses. How backwards of Tennessee.

This is the same state that tried to pass a Don’t Say Gay Bill …

… the same state where another Republican, Jason Zachary, introduced a bill to allow cisgender students to sue the school if they’re not given a “reasonable accommodation” if they don’t want to share facilities with trans people …

… the same state where another bill that passed the legislature bans books that mention LGBTQ+ people from public schools …

… … the same state where another bill seeks to make the Bible the official state book …

… the same state where another bill, currently on the governor’s desk, and he has until May 3 to act on the bill or allow it to become law, requires schools to notify parents if sexual orientation or gender identity are going to be mentioned in class 30 days in advance, and gives parents the ability to opt their children out so that they don’t have to hear that LGBTQ people exist.

Tennessee, where the state motto is “Agriculture and Commerce” but should be “Fear and Ignorance”.

LGBTQ Nation

But then, this also happened in Tennessee … Dalton Stevens, a senior at Franklin High School, wanted to make a statement for his senior year prom, so he decided on bold formal attire. His boyfriend, Jacob Geittman, says:

“He did his big ‘prom-posal’ and asked me to prom, and he decided he was going to wear a dress, and I’m like, ‘Okay! You’re going to look good in it!'”

Dalton chose a floor-length red dress:

“I very much view clothes as genderless. I was very confident. I knew that I felt beautiful, and I felt great.”

But prom night, while Stevens and Geittman were at the Harpeth Hotel in downtown Franklin taking pictures, a man later identified as homophobic moron Sam Johnson, CEO of a local telemedicine company, VisuWell, decided that, as a grown-assed man, it was his job to ridicule Dalton Stevens for his attire. Dalton tells it like this:

“Slander terms thrown towards me of like ‘You look bad,’ ‘You’ve got hair on your chest, you shouldn’t be wearing a dress,’ ‘You’re not a man,’ blah, blah, blah. The fact that he thought he had the audacity to come tell me what I was supposed to wear and what I was supposed to do because of his standards.”

Or his insecurities.

Or his jealousy that he couldn’t take a boyfriend to the prom?

When the video of Johnson stalking and verbally assaulting Dalton Stevens went viral, Johnson’s employer, VisuWell, fired him, and released a statement:

“We share the concerns that so many have expressed on this matter and look forward to announcing concrete steps we are taking in support of the LGBTQ community in particular over the coming weeks.”

Here’s the deal: what does it hurt? Who does it hurt? It’s clothing, and it made Dalton Stevens feel good, until Sam Johnson, whose masculinity was threatened, came along.

And now he’s out of a job, and Dalton went to the prom and had a fabulous time.

Good.

Joe My God

Tuesday Thought #1

Bobservations

A couple of quick Carlos stories … we went by our bank to cash a check for one of our visitors, and the teller asked Carlos what the other name on our account was—mind you, I was standing right next to him—and he said:

“I’m sorry?”

“What is the name of the other person on the account?”

I raised my hand and Carlos said:

“I don’t know."

“It’s me,” I said.

“Oh yeah.”

Later that same day, as our guests were shopping, Carlos wanted to buy some cologne. He asked me what I liked, and I told him whatever he wanted, and he said:

“Something cheap.”

That’s Carlos. I told him that cheap isn’t always best and just to find a scent he liked and get it. So, he did, and when he asked the girl at the counter how much it was, and she said,

“Ninety dollars.”

I told her that Carlos usually buys his cologne at the gas station; or at a 7/11 where he can get cologne and a Slurpee™ for $1.99. She burst out laughing and I said,

“Don’t laugh. He buys my Christmas presents at a gas station.”

Carlos was not amused. The salesgirl and I bonded over shared laughter.

On the flip side, this is Carlos in his youth, rocking a Speedo; I thought he’d hate for me to share this, but he saw the photo again and said:

“I look good.”

So, there you go.

On the flip side of the flip side, my mother used to sew our clothes when we were kids and, yes, she made that outfit for me, with the belt that matches the shirt that matches the hat that makes me look like I should have been between the Construction Worker and the Leather Man, as the Gay Designer, in the Village People.

What.Was.I.Thinking?

Nowadays,  _____ is claiming the Democrats are a mob because, you know, we speak out against him and all those Republicans who goose-step along with him … like Mitch McTurtle McConnell who was confronted by some angry diners while eating dinner with his wife, Elaine Chao,  _____ 's Secretary of Transportation who has a lot of “private time “on her schedule, at Havana Rumba.

Four men shouted at McConnell:

“Why don’t you get out of here? Why don’t you leave the entire country?”

I’ve no problem with that …just sayin’ … because Mitch McConnell is the Devil.

Remember what he did to Merrick Garland. Remember how he vowed to “plow right through” the opposition to Kavanaugh and force Kavanaugh on us. Remember how he agreed with _____ that survivors of sexual assault and women’s rights activists were crisis actors being paid to protest. Remember how he’s taking his time with any congressional response to the assassination of Jamal Khashoggi.

Remember all of it.

I’m not saying all Republicans are stupid, but …

This week, with the news of the “caravan of migrants” headed north, a woman in Minnesota … effing Minnesota …. is worried the migrants will somehow cross the border freely into this country and work their way north and, wait for it, it’s the epitome of stupid, steal her lake house.

Yes. It’s true.

He sinks lower … the week _____’s Department of Health and Human Services is spearheading an effort to legally … legally … abolish transgender people at a federal level, and define gender “as a biological, immutable condition determined by genitalia at birth”.

Yes; they are. HHS stated in a memo that key government agencies needed to adopt an explicit and uniform definition of gender would define sex as either male or female, unchangeable, and determined by the genitals that a person is born with.

This is the beginning of erasing anyone who doesn’t fit within the rich, old, white—or orange—men category.

This slays me …and I’m a white guy, albeit a white gay guy.

A new survey from YouGov and The Economist found that ____ voters actually believe men are more discriminated against than LGBTQ people, most ethnic minorities, and women.

Seriously. Men, white men, are facing discrimination?

Fuck ‘em.

Speaking of mobs, here’s one _____ had no problem with because this one went after Nancy Pelosi.

Pelosi was hounded by a group of protesters in Florida—some cursing and calling her a “communist”—as she attended a campaign event for congressional hopeful Donna Shalala in Coral Gables:

“You don’t belong here you f**king communist f**k.”

“You and your f**king Democrats.”

Again, I don't have a problem with this, except this confrontation was organized by Nelson Diaz, the chairman of the Republican Party in Miami-Dade County. You know, the party of jobs, not mobs.

This week, after we learned that his administration wants to erase Transgender Americans and identify people only by their genitalia at birth—meaning, I’m guessing that _____ is a mushroom?—the Fat Bastard’s website is selling and LGBTQ shirt, the _____Pride Tee, A white T-shirt emblazoned with a watercolor rainbow and the words “LGBTQ for _____”.

Let me just say this, if you are an LGBTQ American and you support _____ then you can not-so-kindly fuck off.

Last month, the news broke about that next year’s Super Bowl Halftime performers would be Maroon 5, and that they would be performing at the Super Bowl in Atlanta … the same city in the midst of a black Renaissance, where dozens of rap, hip-hop, gospel and soul performers live …and yet the NFL picked a bunch of white guys who sing mindless, innocuous elevator pop.

But it turns out that Maroon 5 was second choice for the gig after the NFL tried to hire Rihanna for the gig and she turned them down because of, wait for it, I love it, it’s epic. Colin Kaepernick.

She stands with Kap, and she said ‘No.’

If you needed any more proof the Saudis murdered Jamal Khashoggi, look no further than the fact that one of his ALLEGED murderers left the Saudi consulate by the back door, wearing Khashoggi’s clothes, a fake beard, and glasses, after killing and dismembering the journalist.

And _____still sees nothing to be worried about.

God, I really need a palate cleanser and so I give you hot … hot …HOT …French model Aurelien Muller.

Muller has walked for Dolce & Gabbana, Dirk Bikkembergs, Bespoken and Marin Keehn, and has appeared on countless magazine covers, but who cares … he’s hot.

And he irons naked.

And rocks the tighty whities.

Swoon!

Bobservations

Last week we took Ozzo to the vet to have a dental cleaning and a growth removed from his hind leg. During the initial examination, which occurred a few days before, we were told the dental would be $787.00 and the “tumor” removal would be a shade over $800; we were also told that if any teeth needed to be removed that would be an additional charge.

I asked the doctor if there was a way we could whore out Ozzo to defray some of the costs … perhaps use him as a blood donor for other dogs at $50 a pop? Perhaps use him in their dog training classes as the What Not To Do Dog? Sadly, no.

Well, we learned as the surgical day went on that he had several teeth removed—he’s an older dog now, no matter how tiny he looks—and so as I picked Carlos up after work and we went to get Ozzo, we both muttered something like:

“It’s gonna be two thousand dollars for this dog.”

I, however, was the only one who asked if maybe we could just not go get the dog and skip out on the bill, and Carlos reminded me that the office manager at the vet’s office is the daughter of my boss and, well … damn this small town!

But, when we got to the office, and I pushed Carlos, kicking and screaming toward the counter, we learned that the entire bill was … $985, because Ozzo handled the anesthesia so well, and his little heart is so strong, that they were able to do both procedures one after the other, saving us about $800.

Ozzo. Even in a cone hat I think we’ll keep him.

The Fat Bastard’s new lawyer, Rudy “Dial All Nines For Legal Advice” Giuliani says _____ repaid attorney Michael Cohen for that $130,000 payment to Stormy Daniels to keep quiet about their affair but … it was just last month that the Fat Bastard told reporters he knew nothing about the payment, he didn’t know why Cohen made the payment and didn’t know where Cohen had gotten the money.

And yet now it appears he did pay Cohen back, so, everyone’s lying about this mess and if ______ didn’t disclose this payout on his financial disclosure forms that could be trouble.

Still, the best part is that they are claiming that _____ paid back a loan for hush money to a porn star who claims she had sex with _____—sorry, I threw up in mouth a little—that ____ says never happened.

Yes, he paid off a porn star for not having sex with him and then not talking about the sex they didn’t have.

Speaking of hypocrites, Mike “I’m Not Gay” Pence was in Tempe, Arizona, to headline an event for the pro-____ group America First Policies. And, in his speech, Pence singled out former Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio for praise:

"A great friend of this president, a tireless champion of strong borders and the rule of law. Sheriff Joe Arpaio, I'm honored to have you here."

Wow … I thought Good Christians don’t lie because, as far as that "tireless champion of strong borders and the rule of law " business:

In 2011, a federal judge ordered Arpaio to stop stopping anyone who was not directly suspected of having committed a state or federal crime. Arpaio never acknowledged that order and continued enforcing his own brand of immigration policy. He was found guilty of criminal contempt and was scheduled to be sentenced last fall—until the Fat Bastard pardoned him because, well, racists stick together.

Oh, and let’s not forget the time that Joe Arpaio once faked an assassination attempt, then framed a man for it — all to win sympathy for his reelection campaign. The innocent man spent 4 years in jail until the lie was revealed; Arizona taxpayers footed the $1 million settlement.

And that’s who Mike “I’m Not Gay” Pence thinks would be a good candidate for Senate because, again, racists stick together.

Ah, the Catholic Church, shaming women for centuries …. 

Divine Child High School in Dearborn, Michigan, has come up with a plan to keep their female students from attending prom in revealing outfits. If any girl shows up in a dress that school officials deem risqué, they will be given a … wait for it, it’s rich … “Modesty Poncho” to wear.

Yup.

Donte Robinson and Rashon Nelson, the two black men arrested for sitting while black at a Philadelphia Starbucks settled with the world's biggest coffee-shop chain Wednesday for an undisclosed sum and be given the opportunity to complete their bachelor's degrees, their tuition fully covered, through a Starbucks partnership with Arizona State University. Also, the men will be given the chance to discuss their experience and share their recommendations for changes at Starbucks with former Attorney General Eric Holder.

But, better than that, the two men reached a deal with the city Philadelphia for $1 each and a promise from officials to set up a $200,000 program for young entrepreneurs:

"We thought long and hard about it, and we feel like this is the best way to see that change that we want to see. It’s not a right-now thing that's good for right now, but I feel like we will see the true change over time."— Donte Robinson

The men portrayed the twin settlements as an effort to make sure something positive came out of the April 12 incident.

Let’s hope.

Now, in Hate The Gays News, the Oklahoma House passed a bill that will allow adoption and foster care agencies to discriminate against parents whose lives violate the “sincerely held religious beliefs” of the agency.

I never knew an agency could have “sincerely held religious beliefs” but, still, the idiotically named “Adoption Protection Act” passed the GOP-controlled house in a 60-26 vote cuz, you know, Republicans hate The Gays.

Oklahoma Governor, and noted anti-LGBTQ bigot, Mary Fallin, a Republican because, of course, is expected to sign the bill.

So, Oklahoma would rather kids stay in foster care, in orphanages, in state care than be adopted by loving same-sex couples because, oh yeah, Hate The Gays.

In Good Gay News … 

After Zach Link, a Washington DC man who was brutally attacked in an anti-gay hate crime, is smiling again, now that DC dentist, Dr. Christopher Banks fixed his broken teeth for free.

When Dr Banks, also a member of the LGBTQ community,  learned of the attack on Link, he offered to help; he met with Zach and proceeded to restore his smile. Banks says:

“[The LGBTQ] community is beautiful in its resilience and desire to support each other. In a day and age wherein we shake our heads and proclaim hate and violence toward the LGBTQ is senseless and barbaric, we all know it still happens and all we can do is try to help each other pick up the pieces in the aftermath. Without knowing the depth, breadth and expense of Zach’s injuries, I reached out and offered full care because we are all members of a powerful loving LGBTQ community before anything else. It is through these acts of love in the face of hate that we will persist, thrive, and succeed in showing the world we want to be ‘one’.”

The march goes on, if we all stick together.

More Good Gays News … 

The New Zealand rugby team All Blacks and its sister team Black Ferns have amazing new jerseys to celebrate equality; the jerseys appear black when worn, but when stretched they reveal a rainbow:

“The result is a fabric that maintains its black appearance when at rest, but when stretched, reveals the deeper grooved portions of each rib and the colors underneath.”

LGBTQ supportive … and cool.

Jessica Farrar, a Texas Democratic … yes, Democratic … Representative has proposed a bill that would fine a man $100 each time he masturbates. The bill also imposes a 24-hour waiting period if a guy wants a colonoscopy or a vasectomy, or if he's in the market for some Viagra.

I first thought this was the height of stupidity, and thanked the goddess that I don’t live in Texas as I could not afford the Jerk Off Tax—I kid—but Farrar only introduced the bill to give male lawmakers a taste of their own medicine.

"Let's look at what Texas has done to women. What if men had to undergo the same intrusive procedures?"

Farrar's bill would penalize men for masturbation because … insert sarcasm … such behavior is a failure to preserve the sanctity of life and "an act against an unborn child."

I imagine Texas male lawmakers, though, don’t get the hypocrisy.

Pray Live, a division of the Maryland Prayer Center, has offered their response to the glut of gun violence in this country by giving concerned students and their families prayer wrist bands to wear. The organization’s founder, Wenda Royster, says God told her to do this:

“‘I need you to heal this nation by reminding school children and their parents that no matter what is going on around them, I am always there. Remember, only prayer changes behavior and things.' So, I created wristbands for mass distribution across the Country to remind our children that God is there with them, and that prayer changes things.”

Um, Wenda? Unless the wristbands are made from the same thing as Wonder Woman’s bracelets, which can actually stop bullets, you might wanna rethink this, because I can guarantee that at every mass shooting people are praying to stay alive as they are being shot to death, so your prayers are kinda useless.

Ass.

I’ve heard it said that you don’t make passes at boys who wear glasses. I beg to differ. 

Artyom Dubovik begs me to differ.

Random Musings

I cannot get over the hypocrisy of a president who tells the Syrian people, including the children, they cannot come here because they come from terrorist countries, and then he drops bombs on Syria because Syria gassed those same Syrian people and their babies.

If he’d just let them in ....

Adele just broke a record set by Carole King’s Tapestry; Adele’s 21 has been on the Billboard Top 200  for 320 weeks now besting  Tapestry’s 318 weeks ... and 21 still sits at #103.

It was a long run for King, but now Adele rules.

Carlos had a birthday over the weekend and all he wanted was some new pants and a few new shirts, so I took him shopping on Saturday to get some new duds.

Once home, he swore he would “thin the herd” in his closet and while I was working on the computer he came into the office and said,

“Should I keep these?”

“These” were pair of gauzy white pants that were nearly sheer, and that looked like they, at one time, had a drawstring waist; so I replied,

“Sure, if you’re going as Don Johnson from Miami Vice this Halloween.”

For some reason he stomped off ...

Howsabout that United passenger that was dragged off the flight because United overbooked the flight and needed to make room for some United employees to get to Louisville?

As I said on Facebook, they ought to change their name to  UnAmerican Airlines or, if I had been the passenger they dragged off the plane, they should rebrand as Bob Airlines cuz I’d own that sh*t.

Little Donald Trump Jr. said he won’t run for governor of New York in 2018 which is good because no one asked him.

Oh, and the state of New York berated a yuuuuge sigh of relief.

Alabama Governor Robert Bentley resigned this week after it was revealed he embezzled state funds to cover-up his affair with aide Rebekah Mason.

Bentley was married for fifty-plus years until his wife found out about his cheating ass, and he used to be a Baptist Deacon and he stood strong against same-sex marriage because marriage is between one man and one woman ... and his mistress, I guess.

Now, I know there are Democrats who lie, cheat and steal, but doesn’t it always seem like its Republicans who get busted for being lying, cheating, stealing, religious bigoted hypocrites?

Yeah, I know, Tuxedo was here last week, but then he did this ... as I was getting ready for work yesterday he decided to nap in the bathroom window. But then stretched out on his back and twisted his body and when I walked in he held out his front legs to me and meowed like a little kid who wanted to be picked up.

I thought maybe he’d gotten himself twisted in the window and was having a hard time getting down, so I scooped him up, gave him a smooch and set him down.

So he could climb back into the window, turn on his back, twist his torso, hold out his paws and say, “Meowwww.” to me.

Apparently this will be a new game ....

Note to Sean Spicer: rule #1 of being a political spokes-tool, even for the Hair Furor, is that you never compare the leader of a country, no matter how despicable, to Hitler by using the phrase “at least Hitler didn’t ..."

And what was that holocaust Center business? Did Hitler escape the bunker, flee to Argentina, then return to Germany to work as a tour guide at Auschwitz?

Seriously, you’d think a spokes-tool could actually speak.

Last week, whilst watching SNL, I was once again struck by the idea that Colin Jost, of ‘Weekend Update’ fame, is kinda hot; and since he’s also funny—which I find very sexy—well, that was a plus. So, I made a mental note to make him a Hot Man this week. Then I saw that Mark Alexander at Veonix Rising, had also found Jost a little something-something and he, too, posted a few sexy snaps. I was gonna switch gears, but said, ‘Nope, hot and funny always wins.’

And then I stumbled—and I wish it had been literally—upon Reid Scott, who is on Veep  and after seeing him, all sleek and sexy, thought to myself, ‘Damn! Why didn’t we upgrade our cable to get HBO so I could him every week?’

So here is, too; we have funny and sexy and sleek and sexy. Just sayin’.

Well, for over For 138 years, the annual Easter Egg Roll has been the biggest single public event held at the White House, attracting some 35,000 Washington-area schoolchildren, military families, and Congressional guests to celebrate Easter.

Alas, not this year. When the _____’s  host the high-profile event April 17th, it will be significantly scaled down as a result of a failure to do the necessary advance planning, such as purchasing the wooden eggs given as gifts on time and sending out invitations to bring the children and their families to the White House for the celebration. 

I guess when the wife refuses to live in the same house as the husband and he’s too busy lobbing Twitter Lies and dropping bombs and dodging an FBI investigation, the little children suffer.