Why Is It ...

… that one day, when my boss said to me, “You didn’t listen to a single thing I just said,” I replied, “That’s a weird way to start a conversation.”

… that nothing inspires the words “Fuck off” more than someone telling me to watch my language.

… that this getting old thing is taxing; I blacked out for twenty minutes this morning before I realized I’d put my hoodie on backwards.

… that another day has gone by and I have still never used (a + b)² = a² + 2ab + b²

… that the best way to hang up on someone is in the middle of your own sentence because that way they will never suspect you hung up on them

… that I am not much for seizing the day when you can just poke it with a stick!

… that when my mind goes quiet I instantly suspect that I am up to something I don’t want me to know about.

… that whenever one door closes I want to get a hammer and nails to make sure that bitch stays shut.

… that based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

… that today I found a new work recipe … 1 cup of cluster and 1 cup of fuck.