Why Is It ...

… that I don’t need a guardian angel? What I need is an adultier adult following me around whispering “Don’t click that” and “You don’t need another snack” and “Don’t say that out loud” and “Fuck it, just take the nap.”

… that you never hear a crackhead say, “I can’t get high today because I’m broke”? Because they make it happen. Don’t let a crackhead try harder than you.

… that when someone asked why I was so obsessed with Disneyland and added that “It’s for kids” I replied, “Bibbety bobbity boo back the fuck up.”

… that I still don’t get the group chat. I’m an adult, I only have two friends and they don’t know each other.

… that you need to remember that when someone pisses you off it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap them in the face. That’s anger management and fitness working together.

… that I was Today Years Old when I learned I am too old to sit in a beanbag chair and too old to get out of a beanbag chair.

… that when I finish talking to co-workers I always add, “I’m billing you for this conversation.”

… that I told him I couldn’t see him anymore because I couldn’t let him hurt me like this and he said, “I’m your trainer. It was one sit up. You did one sit up.”

… that I’ve only just realized that I am an adult just like a tomato is a fruit; technically, yes, but not really.

… that I don’t shop at Walmart? Perhaps it’s because they think I wanna put up my Christmas tree and eat my Thanksgiving turkey in my Halloween costume.