Why Is It ...

… that I love saying, “Sorry I’m out of it today,” when I know for a fact there hasn’t been a day in the last ten years that I’ve been “in it.”

… that since I don’t think before I speak I am just as shocked as you by what I say.

… that most people don’t realize that, at some point, “I’m too old for this shit,” stops being a complaint and becomes a perfectly reasonable life philosophy.

… that the most expensive thing I own is a body that insists on being “medically interesting” to every specialist I see.

… that when people say I’m boring, I remind them that I spent my youth drinking in fields, partying with strangers, and making decisions that should have had me on a missing person’s list; so I’m not boring, I’m retired.

… that my favorite Fall activity has become not sweating anymore.

… that no one understands that if you don’t terrify people, even a little bit, then what’s the fucking point?

… that no one finds the new dating app I created very funny; I mean, you are matched up with people who are on the same meds as you and I call it “Relationscripts.”

… that I have reached the point where I can only handle one thing a day. Today I met a friend for coffee, that’s it. That’s the day, see you tomorrow.

… that I’ve just noticed that getting older means my arm has to be in just the right position when I go to sleep if I want to use it the next day.