An Open Letter To Tiger Woods

Hey Tiger,

It's me. Bob. The gay one in South Carolina. I kid. The gay one!!?!!!

I just wanted to say that, while I didn't see your press conference today, I do, as usual have some thoughts.

First up. You don't owe me an apology for your infidelities. I am not a part of your marriage, or even your family, so what you do with people who aren't your wife behind closed doors, shouldn't, and doesn't, affect me.

You also don't owe an apology to the PGA. Again, they are not married to you, although I know you've been with them a long time, your relationship is professional, not personal.

And you most assuredly don't owe the media an apology. The media does, however, owe you a huge debt of gratitude. For, without your foibles and missteps and marital issues, there would be no stories left to cover. I mean, what's a war or two around the world when we have a golfer cheating on his wife? What's all this talk about the economy and foreclosures and job losses when there are hookers and mistresses to interview? DADT? Don't ask, don't tell me about Tiger Woods. I'm done.

See, I think it's the media that owes us, and you, an apology. For turning your personal mistakes into a prime-time special. They owe me an apology because, ever since 9/11 when I hear the words, "We interrupt this program to bring you a special report" I think of planes hitting buildings, not athletes saying I'm sorry.

So, I'm sorry, Tiger. I'm sorry the world has come to this. I'm sorry people feel that because you're an amazing golfer, and a seemingly good guy, that we then are free to jump up and down gleefully when you trip and fall. I'm sorry your privacy was invaded. I'm sorry your dirty laundry became the biggest story of the year when there are people dying, people starving, people being denied equality.

I'm sorry anybody stepped foot in your marriage who didn't belong there.

Sincerely,

Bob

The Gay One In South Carolina