I Didn't Say It ...

Franklin Graham, professional Christian hypocrite, on _____’s extra-marital affairs:

“I can promise you he is not President Perfect. I don’t think [he] has admitted to having an affair with this person and so, this is just a news story, I don’t know if it’s accurate. Now did he have an affair with this woman? I have no clue, but I believe that 70 years of age, the president is a much different person today than he was four years ago, five years ago, ten years ago or whatever and we just have to give the man the benefit of the doubt.”

Here’s the man of whom you speak, you double-talking assmonkey: he was married to a woman and cheated on her with a woman who because his second wife, with whom he cheated on with the woman who because his second wife, and now we have two other women who say they had affairs with him while he was married.

Not to mention the sixteen women who have accused the Fat Bastard or being a sexual predator.

But do go on defending him, God will want to hear more about that right before she sends you to Hell.

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Megyn Kelly, clapping back at Jane Fonda for making a wisecrack about her on TV last week about Kelly asking Fonda about her plastic surgeries:

“I have no regrets about the question. Nor am I in the market for a lesson from Jane Fonda on what is and is not appropriate. After all, this is a woman whose name is synonymous with outrage…Look at her treatment of our military during the Vietnam war, many of our veterans still call her ‘Hanoi Jane’ thanks to her radio broadcasts which attempted to shame American troops. She posed on an anti-aircraft gun used to shoot down our American pilots. She called our POWs hypocrites and liars and referred to their torture as ‘understandable.’ Even she had to apologize years later for that gun picture. But not for the rest of it. By the way she still says she is not proud of America. So, the moral indignation is a little much. She put her plastic surgery out there. She said she wanted to discuss the plight of older women in America. And honestly she has no business lecturing anyone on what qualifies as offensive.”

First off, Megyn, clearly you’re still toeing the Fox News line and now your real face is being seen. Good luck getting any more celebrity interviews again.

And, Megyn, Jane Fonda has apologized over and over again, for nearly the last thirty years about what she said and did during the Vietnam war.

And lastly, you sanctimonious cow, if Fonda is so distasteful to your sensibilities why did you ask to have her on your show?

Oh yeah … you’re a media whore. Siddown.

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Donald _____, after his health results, fabricated though they might be, were released, on his exercise regimen:

“I get more exercise than people think. I get exercise. I mean I walk, I this, I that. I run over to a building next door.”

Oh, the This/That regimen? How’s that working out for you, ya Fat Bastard? And, seriously, I don’t think anyone has ever seen you run, unless it’s toward the buffet.

Also, this is the man who has said he prefers to take a golf cart between holes because “I don’t want to spend the time” walking.

Lazy lying fat bastard.

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Mark Steyn, Fox News pundit, on undocumented immigrants and white supremacist:

“Chris Cuomo [says] that the real problem is white supremacists in America. They are the real monsters. Not these nice hard working illegal immigrants. That may be well and true. I mean, for the purposes of argument let’s say he is right, it’s irrelevant. The white supremacists are American citizens. The illegal immigrants are people who shouldn’t be here.”

Oh, so if the murderer is born here, that’s a different thing? And you’d prefer a white supremacist over a hard-working illegal immigrant?

Ass.

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Michael Steele, former Republican National Committee chair, on Family Research Council president Tony Perkins giving _____ a pass on paying huish money to a porn star to cover upo their affair:

 “I have very simple admonition: just shut the hell up and don’t preach to me about anything ever again. After telling me who to love, what to believe, what to do and what not to do and now you sit back and the prostitutes don’t matter, the grabbing the you-know-what doesn’t matter, the outright behavior and lies don’t matter, just shut up! They have no voice of authority anymore for me.”

Word.

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Tammy Duckworth, Democratic Senator from Illinois, saying she would not accept a lecture about military funding from _____:

“I spent my entire adult life looking out for the well-being, the training, the equipping of the troops for whom I was responsible. Sadly, this is something the current occupant of the Oval Office does not seem to care to do. And I will not be lectured about what our military needs by a five-deferment draft dodger. I have a message for Cadet Bone Spurs: If you cared about our military, you’d stop baiting Kim Jong Un into a war that could put 85,000 American troops and millions of innocent civilians in danger.”

First off: snap!

Secondly: he needs a war to massage his fragile lard-filled ego, and since porn starts have stopped taking his massage calls, what’s a Fat Bastard to do?

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Mike Pence, lying Christian Vice President, telling our troops that the Democrats have cut off their paychecks with the shut-down:

“I’m sure you’re all aware of what’s happening in Washington, D.C. Despite bipartisan support for a budget resolution, a minority in the Senate has decided to play politics with military pay. But you deserve better. You and your families shouldn’t have to worry for one minute about whether you’re going to get paid as you serve in the uniform of the United States. The President, the Vice President, and the American people are not going to put up with it.”

Trouble is, anyone with an internet connection can see a clip of Republican Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell blocking a Democratic resolution to continue paying the military during the shutdown.

So, again, it’s the GOP doing the harm, and then lying about it.

Fuck ‘em all.

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Viola Davis, actress, speaking at the Women’s March in Los Angeles about the history of Jim Crow laws and the black, Latin and Native Americans they oppressed:

“And the reason why these Jim Crow laws were in place have stifled my rights and your rights is because we fell asleep. We fall asleep when we’re moving ahead and we don’t look to the left and right and see that we’re not including people ... Because really, at the end of the day, we only move forward when it doesn’t cost us anything. But I’m here today saying that no one and nothing can be great unless it costs you something. When I raise my hand, I am aware of all the women who are still in silence. The women who are faceless. The women who don’t have the money and don’t have the constitution and who don’t have the confidence and who don’t have the images in our media that gives them a sense of self-worth enough to break their silence that is rooted in the shame of assault, that’s rooted in the stigma of assault. Nothing and no one can be great without a cost. I am always introduced as an award-winning actor, but my testimony is one of poverty, of one being assaulted and very much seeing a childhood that was robbed from me. I know that every single day when I think of that, I know the trauma of those events are still with me today ... That’s what allows me to listen to the women who still sit in silence. I stand in solidarity with all women who raised their hands because I know that it was not easy. My hope for the future is that we never go back.” 

Juts more proof that if you forget what happened before, and don’t look out for it, it could happen again.

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Bobservations

So, I’m over, or getting over, my bad cold thingy, but I will say this: I am a horrible patient. I prefer to take care of myself because, well, who knows me better than me? So, I don’t take kindly to anyone, even Carlos, telling me what I should be doing. As I politely shrieked at him last week:

“I know we’ve been together seventeen years, but in all the years before I ever knew you I managed to keep myself alive, so I think I know what’s best for me!!!!!!”

Best to read that in high-pitched, sore throat, stuffy nose howler monkey realness to get the full effect.

Also, I slept in the guest room for a week, so Carlos wouldn’t get it sick, so I’m not all mean, right? And all of the cats, even Consuelo Roca-Jones, came into the guest room to sleep with me, and I told Carlos that I thought they were a trio of death cats watching and waiting for me to take my last breath.

Carlos, on the other hand, was miffed, saying he was hurt they moved out of the master bedroom to sleep with me and not him; he said the cats liked me more. I, in the throes of my howler monkey realness, said:

“They don’t like me more … they love me more.”

Even sick, I got it.

This week Mississippi state Representative Credell Calhoun … a Democrat fer f**ks sake … introduced a bill that would require Mississippi school teachers to read the Ten Commandments every day in the first hour of class.

In.Public.School.

Oh, and in addition to the Ten Commandments recitation, teachers would be required to display the Commandments prominently in every classroom, school auditorium, and cafeteria.

Separation of church and state? Not in Credell’s idiotic brain.

And don’t get me started on how bad many public-school systems in this country are doing, and this tool wants to take time out to read the Ten Commandments?

Tide Pods? Really? Eating Tide Pods is a thing? Eating detergent is a pastime? I mean, I get it if you’re, say, under four-years-old, but anyone over that age who thinks ingesting a cleanser is cool or fun or “the in thing” needs to be watched 24/7.

We’ve seen all kinds of GOP Congressmen and Senators refuse to hold Town Halls with their constituents out of fear that their constituents will arrive with metaphorical pitchforks, but GOP Asshat Extraordinaire Tom Cotton really takes the cake.

His office in Arkansas recently sent out cease-and-desist letters to constituents who contact his office with concerns. Cotton has also threatened citizens with legal action if they continue to express their opinion and reach out to his staff.

Someone needs to tell Senator Dumbfuck that he works for those constituents and if they wanna talk, he needs to pull his lips off _____’s fat flabby pasty cold, spanked with a Forbes magazine, and listen to them.

Or be removed from office.

Ryan Murphy’s new season of American Crime Story started last week, and this season is The Assassination of Gianni Versace. I didn’t think I’d be as interested as last year’s OJ story, but I was hooked after the first episode, mostly because former Glee boy, Darren Criss, is playing Versace killer Andrew Cunanan. I mean, he was a cute boy on Glee, but he’s chilling as a sociopath in this story.

Of course, the butt shot didn’t hurt anything, cuz, you know, I’m shallow like that.

Well, it is Texas so …

Judge Jack Robison, a Comal County judge, said God told him to intervene in jury deliberations to sway jurors to return a not guilty verdict in the trial of a Buda woman accused of trafficking a teen girl for sex. Robison defended his actions by telling them “when God tells me I gotta do something, I gotta do it.”

Luckily, the jurors were as inclined to listen to Robison as they were to his version of ‘God’ and went against his wishes and found Gloria Romero-Perez guilty of continuous trafficking of a person and sentenced her to 25 years in prison.

Like I said, it is Texas …

Poor Chris Christie. No sooner than he is out of office then he is treated like an ordinary person. No scooting to the front of the line at Krispy Kreme; no special made Sansi-Belt-Expand-O-Waist pants at wholesale prices; no more skipping the TSA checkpoint at the airport.

Christie tried to circumvent a TSA checkpoint at Newark Liberty International Airport last week, with his State Police detail, but a TSA officer said, “Oh hell no.”

He told Krispy Kreme he is no longer allowed to use that access and put him in line with the regular folks.

Oh, the hypocrisy …. Pennsylvania Republican Representative Patrick Meehan, who has taken a leading role in fighting sexual harassment in Congress, used thousands of dollars in taxpayer money to settle his own misconduct complaint after a former aide accused him of making unwanted romantic overtures to her.

Seriously. If they’re homophobes shouting anti-LGBT statement from the rooftops, they’re highly likely to be closeted homosexuals, and now, if they’re out there trying to protect women from sexual harassment, they’re the ones doing the harassing.

It’s like this: whatever a GOP politician says is the wrong thing to do, you can almost bet they’re doing it.

TMZ caught Suzanne Somers leaving an LA restaurant and asked her about the shutdown and _____:

“I’m happy about him. I’m happy that the economy is doing so much better…and now my career is over.”

Funny. I thought her career was over decades ago.

Lastly … The Mens.

Back in the 90s I rad a book … a book? That is so last century … called The Alienist … part murder mystery, serial killer thriller, and history lesson set in New York City at the turn of the previous century. Now, twenty years later it has come to television in a 10-part series and looks incredible.

Of course, it doesn’t hurt that one of the stars is tall, dark, handsome, and openly gay, Luke Evans, who gives me the tingles.

And it doesn’t hurt that it co-stars Falk Hentschel, as a sultry sexy brothel owner, and sexy Brian Geraghty as NY Police Commissioner Theodore Roosevelt.

Good story, gorgeous filmmaking and some hot guys.

Rings all my bells.

Architecture Wednesday: Round House

It looks like a spaceship has landed in Lakeway, Texas, just outside of Austin. A spaceship from the Planet FLW… Wright. Frank Lloyd.

This dramatic home was designed by Wright apprentice John Covert Watson and built in 1979. The two-story home has multiple protruding balconies and expansive windows to take maximum advantage of its sweeping views while being nestled within the thick vegetation on the top of a hill. The sunsets and the lake can be admired from both inside the house, from almost any room in the house, as well as any number of balconies and terraces.

The three-bedroom home was originally built to function as an art studio but seeing it from above and from all sides, it appears to also have been built as a work of art.

From another planet ….

HomeDSGN

Lara _____ Sucks Up To Pussy Grabbing Father-In-Law

We’re one year into America Held Hostage and once again millions of women took to the streets to express their disapproval of the lying hypocritical misogynistic homophobic transphobic racist Fat Bastard.

Thanks women. You rule; and one day soon, you will, literally, rule.

But even some of you aren’t all that a bag of chips: case in point, the woman who married Eric the Dumb, Lara _____, appeared on “Fox & Friends” and trashed those one-million-plus women who marched.

When asked an unrelated question about celebrities criticizing Melania _____’s do-nothing anti-bullying campaign, because, seriously, what’s going on what that, Lara said she was “so disappointed to see the Women’s March wasn’t just about women”:

“It was more of a hateful, anti-_____ protest, which I think is really sad because this president has done so much for women.”

And then she began naming the women her adulterer father-in-law has helped, though she steered clear of porn stars and women whose pussies he grabbed, and mentioned the Hounds of Hell, Kellyanne, Sarah and Betsy.

Yes, that was the best she could do. Kellyanne, Sarah and Betsy. Oh my.

And then, in true _____-style misogyny, Lara insisted that these women “out there are so anti-Trump, and I don’t even think they know why. They just think that’s the thing to do.”

Really, Lara, Really? These women marched and they didn’t know why? Maybe it was to remind the Fat Bastard that women’s rights are equal rights, that women have control over their own health care issues, that women be paid equally for doing the same job as their male counterparts, that women not have to endure being ridiculed or pussy grabbed by orange trolls and their ilk.

You can make fun, you can suggest that these women don’t know why they’re marching, but you’re only energizing them more and more.

The Women’s March in 2017 was huge, and this year some marches were even bigger, and that’s causing a lot of women, and women of color, to run for office and win elections in places where the man who signs your paycheck, because, let’s face it, you don’t really have any marketable skills except being a tool, beat your father-in-law back.

And then you can just go back to being Mrs. Dumb One.

Tuesday Thought #3

Tueday Thought #2

Tuesday Thought #1

Adam Rippon Doesn't Want To Meet Mike Pence ... Do You Blame Him?

Last week, openly gay US Olympic figure skater, Adam Rippon, expressed his distaste that Vice President Mike Pence, and Mother, I assume, is leading the US delegation to the Winter Olympics in South Korea:

“You mean Mike Pence, the same Mike Pence that funded gay conversion therapy? I’m not buying it.”

Rippon added that he would avoid a meet-and-greet with Pence because of his anti-LGBT views: 

“If it were before my event, I would absolutely not go out of my way to meet somebody who I felt has gone out of their way to not only show that they aren’t a friend of a gay person but that they think that they’re sick.”

Rippon blasted Pence’s ALLEGED “concept of reality” if he declares himself to be a “devout Christian” and yet stands by _____’s policies:

“If he’s okay with what’s being said about people and Americans and foreigners and about different countries that are being called ‘s—holes,’ I think he should really go to church.”

Naturally, Pence, well, not Pence, but one of his spokesbots, Alyssa Farah, has said that Adam Rippon’s claims that Mike Pence is anti-LGBT have “no basis in fact”:

“The vice president is proud to lead the U.S. delegation to the Olympics and support America’s incredible athletes. This accusation is totally false and has no basis in fact. Despite these misinformed claims, the vice president will be enthusiastically supporting all the U.S. athletes competing next month in Pyeongchang.”

He supports all of the athletes, y’all, which makes one wonder that …

Mike Pence ran a think-tank that published anti-gay articles;

Mike Pence attempted to divert HIV/AIDS money to fund anti-gay conversion therapy;

Mike Pence refused to protect LGBT Indianans from discrimination;

Mike Pence tried to legalize anti-LGBT discrimination in Indiana;

Mike Pence supported a ban on same-sex marriage;

Mike Pence railed against the ‘mainstreaming of homosexuality in the military’ after DADT was repealed.

To be clear: Mike Pence’s record is among the worst on LGBTQ issues of anyone who has ever occupied the office of the Vice President.

I don’t blame Rippon for not wanting to meet him. Though I bet Pence would be afraid to meet an actual gay person for fear it would yank him from his deep dark closet of shame.

Then what would Mother do?

Just A Thought

The Funny Papers

Clay Bennett, Adam Zyglis, David Fitzsimmons, Nick Anderson, Jim Morin, Mike Luckovich, Chan Lowe, John Cole, Pat Bagley, Bill Day

It's Snarkurday!

Anyone who watches The Real Housewives of New York knows that former besties Jill Zarin and Bethenny Frankel had a huge falling out in 2010 and stopped speaking. But this week, when Jill’s husband, Bobby Zarin, passed away, it looked like the fences would be mended.

On camera, at least.

Frankel was in Aspen when she learned of Bobby’s death and chartered a private jet to whisk her back to New York for the funeral, and she arrived just before the start of the ceremony. But Bethenny wasn’t alone; no, she had an entire camera crew from RHoNY following her … at … a … funeral. And even more pathetic, is that Jill Zarin knew they’d be filming at Bobby’s funeral and she was fine with it.

And, naturally, Bethenny Tweeted a photo of she and Jill holding hands:

“Today is a sad day with a silver lining. I laughed. I cried. I saw old faces & watched a family come together surrounding a loss. ‘I have a dream’ that Bobby’s death makes us realize what is important & treat each day as our last.”

Wow, she co-opted Martin Luther King.

Reality stars, like Frankel, and former reality stars like Jill, have zero shame.

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Oops; fashion photographers Bruce Weber and Mario Testino stand accused to sexual harassment of male models.

Last month, a male model named Jason Boyce sued Bruce Weber for ALLEGEDLY sexual harassing him during a photo shoot in 2014.  Since then, fifteen more models have come forward claiming Weber of asking them to join him in private clothing-free “breathing exercises” in which he would ALLEGEDLY guide their hands over his body and vice-versa.

Now, Mario Testino also stands accused of inappropriate behavior by thirteen male assistants and models going back as far as the mid-90s; accusations included subjecting them to unwanted sexual advances, groping, and masturbation. Two former Gucci models claim it was well-known that if you wanted to advance your career, you met with Mario for a nude shoot at the Chateau Marmont.

Weber released a statement:

“I’m completely shocked and saddened by the outrageous claims being made against me, which I absolutely deny.”

Testino’s lawyers also questioned the credibility of the models. You know, blame the victim.

Luckily, many in the fashion industry believe the models and have kicked Weber and Testino to the curb. In fact, brands Michael Kors and Stuart Weitzman both said they will not to work on future campaigns with Mario Testino, while Ralph Lauren, who frequently works with Bruce Weber, announced that they will not do business with anyone who “behaves in a way that compromises” their commitment to a safe work environment.

But best of all is that Anna “Nuclear” Wintour issued a statement denouncing sexual harassment and assault in the fashion world, and announcing Condé Nast would no longer be working with Mario Testino or Bruce Weber.

They pissed off Anna?

Bye Felicias!

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More sexual harassment stories? Matt Damon.

No, he hasn’t been accused by anyone, but when the stories and stories and stories began to break, Matt kinda wished these women wouldn’t talk so much about it.

Now Matt has had a change of tune … and when he was asked what he learned from the whole mess, he said:

“I really wish I’d listened a lot more before I weighed in on this. I think ultimately what it is for me is that I don’t want to further anybody’s pain. With anything that I do or say, so for that I’m really sorry.”

And then he added:

“I should get in the back seat and close my mouth for a while.”

Good on Matt for learning.

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Last week we learned that Mark Wahlberg was paid $1.5 million for ten days of reshoots for All the Money in the World while co-star Michelle Williams earned about a $1,000.

Michelle did the reshoots because she believed in the movie, because she didn’t want to be a nuisance, and because she wanted to “fix” the film after Ridley Scott decided to edit Kevin Spacey out.

Wahlberg just wanted more money and threatened to not do the reshoots if the coins weren’t served up to him; he didn’t care if the movie was saved, he didn’t care about Plummer’s recasting or any of that.

It was cash.

And when it was revealed that Wahlberg’s talent agency is the same agency that represents Williams, and that they screwed her over in favor of MarkyMark, suddenly Wahlberg looked like a greedy self-serving ass…because he is.

And so, after a week of people calling him a douchebag, Wahlberg announced he donate the$1.5 million to Time’s Up.

Oh, Mark, let’s all clap you on the back for doing the right thing, but not because you wanted to do the right thing, but because you were shamed into doing it.

Siddown.

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Selena Gomez’s mom loves to talk and kinda loves throwing her daughter under the bus:

Case in point: Selena recently worked with sexual pervert Woody Allen and when Selena’s mom, Mandy, was asked about that: 

“No one can make Selena do anything she doesn’t want to. I had a long talk with her about not working with [Woody Allen] and it didn’t click… She makes all her own decisions. No matter how hard you try to advise. It falls on deaf ears.”

Well, now Selena and her team want you to know that she donated her salary from the film to Time’s Up, okurrrrr?

After Timothée Chalamet and Rebecca Hall pledged to donate their salaries from Allen’s A Rainy Day in New York to Time’s Up, some fans criticized Gomez for not following suit, and so Gomez, who has yet to make a similar public stand against Allen, had a “source” announce that she “made a significant donation anonymously” to the Time’s Up Legal Defense Fund that “far exceeded her salary for the film.”

Wait. What. She donated anonymously and then released a statement saying she donated?

Selena is trying to have it both ways – she wants to work on Woody Allen films, but not have to explain why she’s working with an accused predator, and then, of all the nerve, she wants to give herself credit for her anonymous, large donation to Time’s Up.

Bitch. Please.

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A little over three months ago, Jane Fonda appeared on Megyn Kelly’s NBC show and threw a shade face at the host for asking about her plastic surgery.

This week, Jane was on the second hour of Today with Lily Tomlin when she clocked Megyn who wasn’t even there!

Hoda Kotb and Savannah Guthrie interviewed Jane and Lily Tomlin about the third season of Grace and Frankie and when Hoda brought up their friendship and wondered how long they had known one another, Lily looked at Jane and said:

“Oh my God… Before your first facelift.”

Jane snapped back:

“Who are you, Megyn Kelly?”

Lily countered:

“Oh, that’s right, I forgot she was the one!”

Both Hoda and Savannah tried to keep from laughing because Megyn Kelly was clearly nearby.

Still, good on Jane and Lily.

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