I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Last week, Madonna, self-isolating, which was a treat, took to Instagram to sing a satire of ‘Vogue’ about Coronavirus. Only it contained line about eating chicken or some such and was sung so out of tune that anyone who ever said Madonna can sing, owes me a thousand bucks.

But this is even more out of touch for Madge … sitting in her marble bathtub, soaking in rose petals and the semen of virgin boys, and looking freshly facially rejuvenated,  and more than a little Asian, Madonna sputtered that the coronavirus is “the great equalizer” because:

“It doesn’t care about how rich you are, how famous you are, how funny you are, how smart you are, where you live, how old you are, what amazing stories you can tell,” she said, sitting naked in a bathtub filled with rose petals. “It’s the great equalizer, and what’s terrible about it is what’s great about it. What’s terrible about it is it’s made us all equal in many ways — and what’s wonderful about it is it’s made us all equal in many ways. Like I used to say at the end of ‘Human Nature’ every night, ‘If the ship goes down, we’re all going down together.’”

Oh Madge, you are not my equal; you have money and fame and privilege, which will help you get tested while millions can’t; you have the means to get treatment if you are infected, which millions don’t have. I imagine you’ve already amassed surgical masks in all the latest high-fashion designs and accoutrement.

Perhaps you need to dunk your head in the water for a good long time and only come up for air when you’re less self-entitled and full of yourself.

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Speaking of privileged, out of touch, self-entitled blowhards … Gwyneth Paltrow AKA Contagion posted a picture of herself in a mask and gloves and told of how she and her husband Brad Falchuk were “grateful” to learn about an open “local farmers market”:

“[Brad]and I were grateful to learn our local farmers market was open this morning; we walked there (keeping lots of distance) and donned masks and gloves once we got nearer to the market, only taking them off when we were almost home and there were no other pedestrians in close proximity. Yesterday I heard tales of crowded hiking trails and parks. Although we are all on a learning curve and aren’t always perfect as we figure out this temporary new normal, we must take the orders seriously and not abuse the freedoms we still have; grocery store and essential errand runs, bike rides or walks (being disciplined about correct protocol). It’s not the time for denial. We must take this seriously and shelter in place. It’s time for nesting, reading, cleaning out closets, doing something you’ve always wanted to do (write a book, learn an instrument or a language or learn to code online, draw or paint) going through photos, cooking, and reconnecting on a deeper level with the people you love. I find hope in the generosity, love, protection and care I see and feel throughout our country every day and my heart goes out to everyone directly affected or simply in fear. We will get through and I bet you our humanity will shine like never before.”

If there was ever a person who needed a good punch in the melon, it’s Gwyneth Contagion Paltrow. And luckily for all of us, her nemesis Dr. Jennifer Gunter, who constantly points out Contagion’s healthy lifestyle tip lies, took to posting about Contagion Paltrow, with a few questions:

“Why do you need gloves and a mask? Isn’t your immune boosting supplement that you were promoting at the start of flu season effective? … I mean look, GOOP sells vitamin C, $40 for 20 doses! It’s a wellness boost. Oh yeah, this brand is $10 for 100 doses. A+ grift … Also, you know she fucking coordinated her unnecessary mask with her dress. I just can’t even.”

Yes, she did say that, and ‘grift’ isn’t a misprint, it’s what Gunter calls Contagion. And Like Gunter don’t even get me started on the fashion coordinated mask.

I can’t with her.

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So, Madge uses the Coronavirus to show us how she bathes, and Contagion Paltrow uses it to show us how to coordinate our masks with our outfits, but Jeremy Renner may be the worst yet.

Renner has filed papers in Los Angeles Family Court asking for some edits to the payments he makes to ex-wife Sonni because, since the Coronavirus outbreak, he’s making less millions than he was before, so he wants to cut back on child support:

“It is likely that most productions will not resume again prior to the end of the year. As such, the projects that I had previously lined up to film this year are likely cancelled or postponed.”

Poor Jeremy, but that sounds like rich people problems, and maybe you should have stashed some cash away for a rainy, or pandemic day, to be able to take care of your child.

Asshat.

People dying and he wants to talk about his coins.

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And speaking or poor rich people … poor Stedman Graham, Oprah’s. um, boyfriend beard, has been ordered by the Big O to self-quarantine in the guest house of her $90 million Santa Barbara mansion.

Stedman kept working up through last week and Oprah, who had pneumonia last year, and bronchial infection just last week, was not letting him in the big house with his possibly infected ass:

“Stedman did not arrive from Chicago until Thursday, he had been speaking in St. Louis…he’d been on planes, so Stedman is like ‘What’s the procedure for coming home?’ ‘The procedure is… you ain’t coming and sleeping in my bed!’”

At least now he won’t hog the covers from Oprah …and Gayle.

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It now appears that Wyoming is the latest hotspot. Oh, not for the Coronavirus, but for celebrities and their asshatted ideas.

First, RuPaul admitting to fracking on his property, and now Kanye Kardastrophe, and his wife Kim—when she’s not filming her “reality” show—are moving to Wyoming, where Kanye has built an amphitheater to hold his Sunday Services, and the Yeezy fashion headquarters.

Kanye was interviewed for WSJ Magazine and whined about his struggle as a black _____ supporter, and bragged about his Wyoming compound which will feature “a series of seven dome-shaped rooms to be part of a closed-loop ecology for energy and water capture”, and something called a “bio pool,” as well as a “urine garden,” described as an “aquaponic-like system that converts human waste into plant food’ as well as something called a ‘hydrogen pulse detonation pump’ as a shower technology.

A urine garden and showers?

Sounds like K and K K are into some Kinky shiz; and makes sense as to why he’s a _____ supporter, because we all know _____ loves a long hot golden shower.

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