I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

This Mariah Carey-Nick Cannon split seems to have been in the works for weeks, even though Nick just confirmed it last week. The lawyers were already involved and the financial stuff figured out. But no one's heard from Mimi and apparently that's how she wants it done ... SILENCE!! ... even from Nick.

Mariah knew that Nick wouldn’t be able to keep his mouth shut, so she hit him with a confidentially agreement.  It seems Nick and Mariah's lawyers hashed out the agreement as part of their divorce and ... as most things are were in their marriage ... it’s completely one-sided.

Nick is barred from saying anything about the split and if he does then he will pay, financially. Yes, Mama Mimi will cut off any monies Nick might receive in the settlement if he opens his yap. And now he's zipped up tighter than Mariah in an evening gown on the way to Mickey D's for lunch.

Sidenote: post-split annoncement, Nick has taken to dressing like a 12-year-old boy, while Mariah has begun to look like Joan Collins, circa 1983 Dynasty.

Seriously, Mimi? You look like the Dowager Countess.

Chris Brown was hosting a pre-VMAs party at 1Oak club in LA last weekend when, as happens when brown is around, Suge Knight, founder of Def Row Records, was shot repeatedly at the bash. 

Oh, he’ll be fine, but Chrissy is taking this time to complain about the gunfire at the 1Oak Corral by Tweeting:

"It's disappointing that we as a society can't have fun or enjoy ourselves without any altercations sometimes. Miss me with the bullshit."

So, disappointing, because usually it's Chris Brown throwing punches at his girlfriend's face ... or Chris Brown throwing a chair out the window at GMA ... or Chris brown beating up a fan in Washington DC ... or Chris Brown starting a fight with Frank Ocean over a parking space ... or Chris Brown braking the windows of his Mama's car because he wasn't being released from anger management rehab.

How.Disappointing.Indeed.

About a week ago, news came out that Ed Bernero, the showrunner of "brilliant" actress Katherine Heigl's craptastic new TV show, State of Affairs, was leaving the show. And everyone involved with the series made sure to spread the word that his “exit doesn’t have anything to do with the show’s star.” 

Seems like overkill, no? Especially in light of this Heigl Tale ... Mike Walker, of the National Enquirer ... hey, they broke the John Edwards story ... says he has a source on the State of Affairs set and claims that Heigl made producers reshoot an entire scene because she didn’t like the way her ass looked. And ALLEGEDLY her co-star, Alfre Woodard, suggested that Heigl hire herself a butt double to make sure her ass always looks good on-camera.

I knew she was a pain in the ass, but I never knew her ass was such a pain to photograph.

It wasn’t that long ago that Jennifer Lopez called it quits with her most-recent boy-toy, and backup dancer, Casper Smart, because he was ALLEGEDLY banging a couple of transsexual models and JLo likes to be the only one her beau's are banging.

So, out with Casper and in with Maksim, another dancer ... sigh. 

But, recently, when JLo appeared on Chelsea Lately, Handler asked her about her dating future and JLo said this ... with a serious face:

“I like being in a relationship. I’m not one to like, whore around, and stuff like that—that’s not my thing.”

Like she wasn't whoring around with Ojani Noa, Diddy, Ben Affleck, Cris Judd, Marc Anthony, Casper Smart and Maksim Chmerkovskiy. Seven men in fourteen years ... so she basically whores around for two years at a stretch and then moves on.

Meanwhile, back at Mimi and Nick ... I've always thought Mariah was crazy, and growing crazier year by year. I mean, how else to explain her sense of, um, style, when she grows older but proceeds to dress more and more like a Bratz doll stuck in a Claire's store in real life?

Well, it seems as if Mimi's mental state is the reason behind her split with Nick, and not his ALLEGED cheating. Sources say Nick has made it clear to everyone that he's worried about Mariah’s emotional state and is ending the marriage for the well-being of their kids. He believes the environment around Mariah is toxic and fears for his children.

And the child support baggage they bring with them, I imagine.

Still, Nick believes his kids have already shown signs of emotional upset by living in Mimi's World'o'Crazy and he wants them raised in a more stable, less manic and sequined, environment. He also thinks her "people" don’t care about anything but her ability to make money and pay their salaries.

So, which is it? Nick cheating? Mariah crazy?

You know which side I fall on ...

Last Sunday’s VMAs were shockingly scandal free since there were no twenty-something girls backing their asses up on thirty-something men’s crotches and calling it “entertainment” so someone had to be daring and, well, it fell on Nicki Minaj to have an incident.

Or did she?

See, Nicki had a wardrobe malfunction during her song when she ran off stage to change clothes and then returned in a dress which appeared unzipped. She tried holding it together so that we could be spared a Janet Jackson moment, but was it real, or was it rehearsed?

Nicki says it was an accident, and yet, during the dress rehearsal, the exact same thing happened; she returned to the stage with the front of her dress opened and then rehearsed how to dance around holding it closed. I think the ‘dress rehearsal’ was to see how Nicki could work the stage in an accidentally” unzipped dress and not be totally nude.

Uh huh.

Remember how Lindsay Lohan filed that crack-y lawsuit against the makers of Grand Theft Auto because, she said, the character “Lacey Jonas”, a cracked out has been actress with family issues and drug problems was based on her?

Well, the makers of GFA want the lawsuit thrown out of court and they want Lohan fined for, well, being Lohan and wasting everyone’s time. Lohan had sued manufacturer Take-Two Interactive saying they used her image — of a washed up actress — for the cartoon character of Lacey Jonas without her permission.

Now, Take-Two says the only physical similarity between Lindsay and Lacey is that they’re both young blondes and adds:

“The portrayal of a Hollywood figure being chased by paparazzi, of course, is hardly unique to Ms. Lohan. She also alleges that Grand Theft Auto V features a hotel similar to the Hotel Chateau Marmont of West Hollywood, where she once resided. This allegation underscores the thinness of Ms. Lohan’s claims: GTAV is a parody of Los Angeles, so it is unsurprising that it features similar buildings.”

I’ve a feeling this lawsuit will be tossed out faster than Lohan being tossed out of 1Oak in New York last year, and tossed out faster than the suit she filed against rapper Pitbull, claiming he improperly used her arrest in song lyrics.

Seriously, Lindsay, if you need money, get a job.

GET.A.JOB.

And let's end with good news ...

A lot of folks may not like them — well, they may not like her — but I love them both and, after nine years and six kids, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have gotten married.

While those Hollywood people were fawning over the Emmys and the VMAs Brad and Angie tied the knot in Chateau Miraval France, last weekend. It was a private affair, family and friends, and as Angelina has always said, their kids were a part of the couple’s big day. Angelina walked down the aisle with her eldest sons Maddox and Pax, while Zahara and Vivienne threw petals, and Shiloh and Knox served as ring bearers.

In advance of the nondenominational civil ceremony, Brad and Angelina obtained a marriage license from a local California judge who also conducted the ceremony in France.

Congratulations to the happy couple and the whole family.