Why Is It ...

… that when someone says they don’t like me, I instantly check my pay stub to see if it makes a difference.

… that my favorite childhood memory is when the bills didn’t have my name on them.

… that many people have told me that I have two faults: the first is that I don’t listen and the second is ... some other shiz they were rattling on about.

… that most people don’t realize that the worst thing about parallel parking is the witnesses.

… that when someone is rude to me in the grocery store and then they get behind me in line, I invite everyone behind them to go ahead of me; today I had the time.

… that I am not looking for a staycation but a maycation; I may come back, I may not.

… the people who think I’m too much need to go find less; I’m not running a clearance sale here.

… that while I get paid to be nice at work I don’t understand why my friends and family think they should get that shiz for free.

… that, while I am no chef, I can really stir the pot.

… that people often to say they're ‘happy as a clam’? A clam?? You mean those tiny things with no brain that chill on the bottom of the ocean all day in their own little private shells and have absolutely no concept of what’s going on in the … oh, nevermind, I get it now.