I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

When you got coins, some women will leap on your dick, no matter how old.

89-year-old British billionaire Bernie Ecclestone, the former head of Formula One Group, and his 44-year-old third wife, Fabiana Flosi, are having a baby boy. It’s his fourth child and will join older stepsiblings, 65-year-old, Deborah, 35-year-old Tamara and 31-year-old Petra.

That’s all.

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I’m not saying she has the virus; I’m just saying she’s really sick.

Canceled racist Roseanne Barr has crawled from the ooze once again to spread her special brand of insanity about COVID-19 and how it was designed to get rid of her generation.

Roseanne appeared on  Norm Macdonald’s YouTube series, Quarantined With Norm Macdonald, and blamed the pandemic on a secret group seeking to kill the wealthy boomers of the world. Roseanne told Norm she is safe in quarantine in Hawaii, where according to her, there is “one case”—real facts, Rosie, there are nearly 400 cases—and she says 99%” of the residents are obeying quarantine. Or maybe 99% of the residents are steering clear of Barr because she says shiz like this:

“Well let me tell you about it, Norm. You know I’m crazy, so I’m speaking as a crazy woman now. You know what it is, Norm? I think they’re just trying to get rid of all my generation. The boomer ladies that, you know, that inherited their, you know, are widows. They inherited the money so they got to go wherever the money is and figure out a way to get it from people.”

They? And they are … ? Well, she doesn’t say, because, more importantly that some secret society trying to murder a large section of the global population, is the fact that Barr is using her time in lockdown to work on a lawsuit against “Hollywood.” Not a ‘who’ or a ‘they’ in Hollywood, but Hollywood itself:

“I have the time now to research and come up with the perfect lawsuit [so I can] fuck over everybody in the fucking world over there.”

Like I said, she’s ALLEGEDLY not sick, but she’s sick.

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And since we’re talking crazy, it’s just a hop skip and a jump to Tori ‘BrokeAss’ Spelling.

In the age of COVID-19 many celebrities are doing social media shows; singers singing; dancers dancing; jokers joking; grifters grifting.

In a since-deleted Instagram post, Tori ‘Hard Up For Cash’ Spelling advertised a virtual meet and greet for 20 fans—which I’m fairly certain is all of her fans—scheduled for this past week. Those lucky losers with too much time on their hands could take virtual selfies—they’re actually called screenshots—and download a copy of the video call afterwards if, and only if, they sent Tori ‘I Need Coins’ Spelling $95.

Yeah, during a pandemic people have $95 to send to an out-of-work reality star so they can brag that they … got a screenshot? Well, some of her 20 fans—I kid, she doesn’t have that many—took to social media to drag the grifter …

“Of course it’s $95 because during a Pandemic we all have that to spare what a bummer…”

“People are doing free concerts and you are charging? How about you do a lottery and do random pics for the winners!!! Please!”

“Damn people are dying, and you still think how to gain money from us…what you were and what you became…”

But, to her rescue, came Tori’s husband, Dean ‘I Also Don’t Work’ McDermott who “claims” Tori was approached by a company to do the meet and greet and that the idea was to provide some entertainment, levity, fun, humor and love to fans who are social distancing:

“But no! Instead, because it’s Tori Spelling, she gets dragged and she gets the haters coming down on her for simply doing something to entertain people, but more importantly, to provide for her family. What is wrong with that? What is wrong with providing for your family at this time? All the studios, everything is shut down. She has no way to work like everybody else. She has no job to go to.”

Hey Dean, you unemployed hanger-on, married to an unemployed hack, look around … there are about 18,000,000 more of you out there so why should they spend any of their coins on you and your family when they have no income of their own? But Dean did go on:

“Why not drag people who are making millions of dollars doing this? And how do you know…she’s not giving part of this to charity?”

Charity? The only charity your family knows is the 95-bucks twenty people were gonna send your way.

Get a job. Get a life.

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And that bit of self-delusion and entitlement brings us again to our favorite victim of the pandemic, Gwyneth ‘Contagion’ Paltrow.

Now, I know this interview was done a while ago—though some of the quotes were gathered post-lockdown—but on the cover of Town and Country, Contagion appears alongside the headline:

“Gwyneth Paltrow Accepts Your Apology”

Um, bitch, please. I ain’t apologizing to you when you say moronic shit like …she invented walking:

“Walking is my new thing. My best mom friend out here is a real walker. She was living in Hong Kong with her banker husband, and I was in London with my musician husband, and we moved to L.A. after having been expats for a long time. She started taking me on walks.”

So, Contagion hadn’t walked until after she divorced Chris Martin? I guess she had the staff carry her around. And, even though she didn’t learn to walk 2016, she is on the cutting edge of health and wellness, no matter what you think:

“You can keep resisting it, but I’m on the right side of this. I’m watching the market. I’m watching what’s happening. I think what this wellness movement is really about is listening to yourself, tuning into what interests you, and trying things. Find what makes you feel better and go from there.”

Yes, no one had ever thought about health and wellness until Contagion popped open a diet book and then got her vagina steamed. And last but not least, she knows people don’t like her, but her reason why is laughable:

“The people who are triggered by me—‘I don’t like her because she is pretty and she has money’—it’s because they haven’t given themselves permission to be exactly who they are. It doesn’t mean anything to me, because it’s not about me. It’s about what I represent, and that’s about you.”

Hey, Contagion? Bob from Smallville, here, and I’m one of those folks that doesn’t like you, and it has nothing to do with you being pretty—and pretty was never a word I’d associate with you—or rich. It’s because you’re self-involved, and egotistical and narcissistic and arrogant and dangerous because you peddle some really ignorant shiz to women, and perhaps some men, who buy into it because you act like an expert.

You didn’t start walking until you were forty-four. Become an expert on that and perhaps we’ll change out minds. Become an expert on relating to people who don’t have $800 for a dildo or $1800 for a t-short or don’t want a steaming pu— … vagina. Until then, you do you, and I’ll do a human being who’s been walking since before I turned two, and all without your help.

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