Why Is It ...

… that after I told a co-worker I could tell he was a C-section baby by the way he avoids labor that HR is once again asking to see me.

… that people don’t realize that as you get older you need to care less about how you look in photos and more about how you look in x-rays, scans and test result.

… that from now on I will identify as a rubber band, stretched to my limit, holding everything together but ready to snap

… that we have to pay for trash bags just to throw them out with the trash

… that one of my new favorite games is “Did I take Ibuprofen thirty minutes ago or did I just think about taking it?”

… that kids today cannot write a paper for school without resorting to AI when I was able to write ten pages for school with ever having read the book

… that people wait until New Years Day to cut people out of their lives … I’m like, Happy August 22nd, now get the fuck out!

… that when my therapist asked if my fifteen-year-old self would be proud of me today, I said, “My fifteen-year-old self would be stunned that I’m still alive!”

… that when someone asked if I had a favorite bird I instantly replied Rotisserie Chicken at CostCo

… that when I said, “Maybe I’m just too demanding? Maybe I’m just like my father, too bold? Maybe I’m just like my mother, she’s never satisf—” My therapist shrieked, “Get out.”

Why Is It ...

… that I realized I may have a drinking problem because the other day over breakfast Carlos asked me to toast some bread for him and I raised my martini and said, “Here’s to bread!”

… that everything nowadays is so expensive ... even dirty deeds are no longer done dirt cheap.

… that I can't help but laugh at those little teenagers walking into school with their iced coffees. My generation took vodka to school in water bottles, rookies!

… that gas is so high that the mailman is working from home; he calls me and reads my bills to me.

… that the next time you’re down about life put it all in perspective. I have a friend that has sex 2 to 3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week, and yet every day he complains how much he hates prison.

… that when something needs to be said and no one wants to say, I’m already over here clearing my throat. Don’t worry, I got this.

… that when I was eating chicken a vegan walked up to me and said, “What you’re eating had a family,” and I replied, “That’s why I ordered the family bucket. No one gets left behind.”

… that when people tell me swearing isn’t necessary I always shout, "I know it fucking isn't! I’m vulgar not stupid."

… that I don’t think I drink too much coffee but I do believe my body will keep moving up to forty-eight hours after my death.

… that my tastes have always been vanilla, more mild than wild. But I'm super into B&D now. Block and Delete.