Snarky Thoughts

Last month, Joe Jonas welcomed his second daughter with wife Sophie Turner, and we all know babies ain’t cheap … even for a JoBro. So Joe opted for a new gig promoting Xeomin, a Botox alternative that reduces fine lines and wrinkles. 

My Thought: He’s 33 and hawking injectables. I can’t wait to see his ad for adult diapers when he’s 37.

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Remember last week how annoyed Ben Affleck was over the number of paparazzi on his and Jennifer Lopez Affleck’s honeymoon tour? Well, hopefully he’s settled down because the Affleck’s are throwing themselves a 3-day wedding recent at Ben’s Riceboro, Georgia estate this weekend with busloads of guests and a JAf—funny cuz it’s like Jenny as fuck—wedding gown extravaganza with pictures and videos and all kinds of stuff.

My Thought: how soon after this second ‘I do’ will Ben disappear into the house while JAf parties all night on Instagram?

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They say everything old is new again and with Madonna that’s almost true. Everything old is new again except Madonna. See, Madge turned 64 this week and partied like she was dyslexic and thought she was 46. And because the only tricks she has any more are the old ones, she posted two pictures of herself deep throating a couple of gal pals just like she did nearly twenty years ago to Britney and Xtina at the VMA’s. Soooo controversial!

My Thought: Grandma could get arrested if she keeps this up, but then everything old again is Madonna.

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In case we needed further proof that Hollywood is anti-women or that Chris Pratt ... the least interesting of the Chris's ... was a douche, Bryce Dallas Howard revealed that she was paid far less than Pratt Jurassic World. But Bryce actually praised Chris by saying he went to bat for her and “pushed for [me] to receive equal pay on other franchise opportunities that were not already contractually binding, such as spinoff video games and theme-park rides” after she told him the terms of the three-picture contract she signed in 2014.

My Thought: Yeah, he went to bat, but still cashed his giant check. Hey Chris, howsabout saying you won’t do the film unless Bryce Dallas Howard gets the same money as you? I mean, she did all the same stunts, and in heels.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Kanye West is rapidly becoming a bigger trainwreck than his Baby Mama’s family.

Last we heard about Kanye’s legen … wait for it … dary temper was when he grabbed a photographer at LAX, put him in a headlock and smashed his camera.

Now he’s singing a new tune about that night:

“The guy set me up at the airport the other day, laughing and shit. That was the day I found out that my grandfather was not gonna make it. But when I’m coming out the airport, they tried to antagonize me and I tried to stop his camera. … He fell down, faked it and then people were like ‘Why did you hit that guy?’ I obviously didn’t hit the guy. But I’m going through shit, I’m trying to have a business call… I know you guys are gonna photograph me, it’s all good – we’re in this together, you guys help me, you help Kim’s power and everything.”I’m not trying to fuck you guys. I’d prefer if we just had a decent [relationship].”

Yeah, he was on a call, trying to go about his business and be all nice, and shiz, and yet the video shows him grabbing at the camera and the paparazzi falling down.

Nice try, Kanye. If you’re worried about your daughter try acting like an adult and not some rage-a-holic who might find his ass in jail for assault one day.

Speaking of douches … Shia LaBeouf. He of the drunk driving car crashing hand smashing days; he of the raging Twitter wars with that other rage-a-holic, Alec Baldwin; and now this.

Little Shia was walking through Leicester Square in London and came upon some girl vomiting in the street, so he asked if he could help her and … What’s that? He didn’t ask if she needed help? He started to film her puking her guts up on the street?

Yeah, and that didn’t sit well with at least one passerby who asked LaBeouf — which I think might be a French sub-dialect that means “meathead” — to stop being insensitive and stop filming the girl. Shia refused and so the man punched him in the face and kicked him in the, um, well, yeah, balls. 

That raises two questions: who is that guy, and where’s that video?

A security guard from a local club came out and pulled the bystander away from Shia who pretended like he needed to be restrained.

Maybe Shia and Kanye and Alec should hang out together so all that rage is contained to one area … behind an eight-foot barbed wire fence.

Poor Jenny McCarthy. She’s the “New Girl” on The View and she might be the next “Fired Girl” from The View.

It seems the viewers — and I mean those who watch, not Dictator Barbara Walters — don’t like Jenny; they find her obnoxious, annoying, raggedy, ill-informed and stupid. Or … that might be just me.

But still, it’s quite simple: viewers hate her, and a production — probably Sherri Shepard trying to shore up her position as the dumbest bitch on TV — says Jenny’s job is in jeopardy because her big mouth is making viewers tune out. The source — Hey Grrrl — is unclear if McCarthy’s deal is for one year or two, but said that “if Barbara wants her out, they will buy out her contract.

Like they did with that other, unpopular fellow dim-bulb, and former View co-star — before she got the axe because folks hated her — Elisabeth Hasselbeck!

Wow, when you can’t bring it up a notch from Hasselbeck that’s saying something.

Oh Madonna, you are not the sun and the world does not revolve around you.

It seems her royal Madgeness was invited to a special screening of 12 Years A Slave where she proceeded to text the entire time and then shrieked at anyone who deigned to ask her to stop.

A spy — and it might have been Jenny McCarthy at her new gig at the movie theater candy counter — says that as the movie began, “a blonde in black lace gloves wouldn’t stop texting. Finally, an audience member asked the blonde to stop, and the gloved one shot back: “It’s for business ... enslaver!” 

After the film ended, the gloved one ducked out and that was when the spy noticed it was the Material Girl.

Funny, though, Madonna, calling someone an enslaver because they asked her to turn off her phone in a movie theater while watching a movie about slavery. That Madge. If her head got any bigger or fuller of hot air she could get a gig as a float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. If she could pout the phone down that long.

And perhaps she will because she had been banned for life from that theater:

October 12, 2013

Managers,

As you may have heard, this past week Madonna was caught texting during the premiere of Steve McQueen’s new film 12 YEARS A SLAVE.

Although she is the undisputed queen of pop and I personally am a fan of her music, I have felt compelled to make an example of Miss Ciccone and ban her from all Alamo Drafthouse locations until she apologizes to movie fans.

In the unlikely event that Madonna will be visiting your location in the upcoming holiday season, please inform all box office and concierge staff that she will only be allowed to see a film at the Drafthouse if she first apologizes for her actions at the premiere and acknowledges that texting during a movie is rude and disrespectful to the filmmaker and the rest of the audience.

Thank you in advance for upholding this request.

Yours,

Tim League

Founder/CEO Alamo Drafthouse Cinema

Loving. It.

It looks like JLo and her Number One son might be headed for a break-up. Again.

Of course, we’ve also heard rumor that JLo wanted to marry her Toddler but that he wouldn’t propose because he might be gay, so, you know, rumor has it …

But, last week, during an ALLEGED “cooling off” period, JLo went to Washington DC with Casper — to receive the Ally for Equality Award — and, while Casper tagged along, they did not appear together on the red carpet and were not photographed at all.

In fact, and this is hard to believe and it totally means the relationship is over, JLO and Casper haven’t been photographed together in public in more than three weeks! Casper, meanwhile, posted pics from a solo camping trip on his Instagram!

A source — and it might be Jenny McCarthy during her second new gig as a valet at the event — says, “Jennifer is pretty private about the relationship, but she’s been hinting that the spark is gone. She’s having a hard time ignoring the fact that her head has been telling her for a while that this thing with Casper isn’t forever. And now her heart’s saying the same thing.”

And, according to the source — man that Jenny McCarthy has a lot of time on her hands — JLo has tried to end their relationship several times, most recently in June, but just can’t cut the umbilical cord.

I think she ought to send him to military school and be done with it. Then, when he graduates they have a Mommy-Son lunch at the Plaza.

Last week we all got a laugh out of Britney Spears saying she “always” sings live and will do so during her sure-to-be-craptastic Planet Hollywood Hard Rock casino gig in Vegas.

But, another thing we’ve learned is that BritBrit was lip-synced, er, photoshopped in her new music video, “Work Bitch.”

AKA “Work The Retoucher Bitch.”

Images have surfaced that show the “before” and “after” Brit from the music video produced by HOAX Films — yes, I know … HOAX!

The waist is trimmed, the thighs remastered, and the gut tucked, all with a flick of a switch.

But she’ll be singing live and jiggling all over the stage. 

Hot couple alert. Okay, maybe not hot, but freaking weird.

Rumor has it that Katie Holmes — fresh from her Escape From Cruise Mountain — has landed a new beau, and he is none other than former Tommy co-star, Jamie Foxx.

Yup. Back in August there were stories about Katie dirty dancing all up on Jamie during a Hampton’s party, and now multiple sources — I’m thinking a gaggle of Lohans — has come forward to spill the beans.

“Katie and Jamie have been dating for a while,” an insider — Hey Dina! How’s that DUI mess? — says, adding that Jamie has secretly been spending time at Katie’s apartment. “They’re very Mission: Impossible about their romance.”

Get it? Mission Impossible? Because Tommy made that movie? Those Lohans are a whiz with the word play, eh?

But a second source — Hey Linds! How’s sobriety? — says that one early morning in mid-September, a driver pulled in front of the Trump Soho Hotel, prepared to take Jamie to the set of his new movie — the sure-to-be-craptastic Annie — but was surprised when Katie stepped into the limo instead: “A hotel employee confirmed that Katie had stayed at the hotel with Jamie and that she was taking his car [and] the driver drove her home to her Chelsea apartment.”

This might not sit well with Tiny Tim Tom, who has a longstanding friendship with Jamie Foxx — who once said of Tom, “he changed the projection of my career.” And now he can say Tom changed the projection of his love life, too, to his ex-wife.

Snap.

So last week everyone was buzzing about the sudden cancellation of The Jonas Brothers tour … Really? Everyone? Musty have been a slow week. But I digress. 

Rumors swirled that the Bros were fighting amongst themselves and that was the cause of the concert derailment. If fact their reps released this statement: “There is a deep rift within the band. There was a big disagreement over their music direction.” 

Wow. That might be bad, if it were true. See, rumors are twirling — which is more than swirling — that the real reason behind putting off the tour is that Joe Jonas — the cute one one the left — ALLEGEDLY has a secret drug problem that prevented the band from touring.

An insider — and it may be the wife of the homely Jonas because she so wants to be famous — says, “He’s been dealing with substance abuse issues for quite some time.” 

And add to that the rumors that Joe, a brother in purity, or so he and his siblings claim, was staring in a sex tape. Now, to be fair, that was all hotly denied, but the rumors of the rift and the drug use are going unanswered.

Except that Joe has been recently photographed with drug-addiction specialist, Mike Bayer, who also worked with his ex-girlfriend, Demi Lovato.

Uh huh.