The Funny Papers

Note: see the wee little redaction there in the groin area???

Michael Ramirez, Bill Bramhall, Michael de Adder, Marty Two Bulls, Mike Luckovich, Pedro X Molina, Ben Jennings, Dennis Goris, Adam Zyglis, Clay Bennett, Nick Anderson, Gary Huck, Ann Telnaes, Max Espinoza,

Why Is It ...

… that I can either give too many fucks or no fucks at all, but I have no middle ground for a moderate fuck distribution

… that, to me, a large group of people is called a “No Thanks”

… that the human body has 7 trillion nerves and most people manage to get on every single one of mine.

… that HR tells me that ‘spite’ is not an appropriate response to “What motivates you”

… that some people give my middle finger an erection

… that people need to shoot for the moon, but if they miss here’s a gentle reminder: the moon’s diameter is 3,475 km and you could not have fucked this up more.

… that whenever I say “long story short,” I add in all the behind the scenes bonus features, too.

… that you shouldn’t wait until you’re on your deathbed to tell people how you feel; you could be too weak to lift your middle finger

… that sometimes I wish I was a bird so I could fly … over certain people and crap on their heads.

… that I like to think I am only mean to people who deserve it, kind of like a vigilante bitch … like a bitchalante, if you will

I Didn't Say It ...

Stephen Colbert, The Late Show host, revealing that CBS AKA Complete Bull Shit, refused to air his interview with Texas Democratic Senate candidate James Talarico due to bullying by Cankles’ FCC:

“You know, you know who is not one of my guests tonight? That's Texas State Representative James Talarico. He was supposed to be here, but we were told in no uncertain terms by our network's lawyers, who called us directly, that we could not have him on the broadcast. Then, then I was told in some uncertain terms that not only could I not have him on, I could not mention me not having him on. And because my network clearly doesn't want us to talk about this, let's talk about this. So, you might have heard of this thing called the Equal Time Rule, okay? It's an old FCC rule that applies only to radio and broadcast television, not cable or streaming, that says if a show has a candidate on during an election, they have to have all that candidate's opponents on as well. It's the FCC's most time-honored rule, right after no nipples at the Super Bowl. There's long been an exception for this rule, an exception for news interviews and talk show interviews with politicians. Now, that's crucial. How else were voters supposed to know back in ‘92 that Bill Clinton sucked at saxophone? But, on January 21st of this year, a letter was released by FCC Chairman and smug bowling pin Brendan Carr. In this letter, Carr said he was thinking about dropping the exception for talk shows because he said some of them were motivated by partisan purposes. Well, sir, you're chairman of the FCC, so FCC you. Let's just call this what it is. [Cankles’] administration wants to silence anyone who says anything bad about [Cankles] on TV because all [Cankles] does is watch TV. Okay? He's like a toddler with too much screen time. He gets cranky and then drops a load in his diapers. So, it's no surprise, it's no surprise that two of the people most affected by this threat are me and my friend Jimmy Kimmel. When this letter dropped, we both talked about the letter on air, and then later, Carr defended it like this: ‘If Kimmel or Colbert want to continue to do their programming, and they don't want to have to comply with this requirement, then they can go to a cable channel or podcast or a streaming service and that's fine.’ Great idea, man whose job is to regulate broadcast TV. Suggest everyone just leave broadcast TV. I can't interview James Talarico. I can't show any pictures of James Talarico. I'm not even sure I can say the words James Talarico. But what I can show you is what we always show when we have to pull material at the last minute. This tasteful nude of Brendan Carr!”

Thankfully, he did show us nekkid Carr.

CBS tried to spin this as a misunderstanding and rushed out a legalistic statement insisting the show had never been “prohibited” from airing the interview. It read like classic corporate damage control from a company that folded fast under a [Cankles] packed FCC and only found its courage once the backlash hit.​

And on Tuesday night Colbert came onstage with receipts literally in hand, holding up the CBS statement and mocking it as “crap” and “a surprisingly small piece of paper considering how many butts it is trying to cover,” while reading out how he had been told he could not have Talarico on or even talk about not having him on. Colbert blasted the [Cankles’] FCC and commissioner Brendan Carr as politically “motivated by partisan purposes” and framed the pulled interview as censorship from the top.

This is a stand for Freedom of Speech y’all, and Colbert is manning the front lines.

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Kristian Berg Harpviken, director of the Norwegian Nobel Institute, responding to Cankles’ extended tantrum about not receiving a Nobel Peace Prize:

“We see it as important that as many people as possible understand how it is that we work and what the principles are. Whether those lobbying for the prize are receptive to that or not is really beyond our control.”

Oh Cankles, you can whine and moan and send out your Flying Monkeys, but you are the furthest things from peace that has ever trod the Earth.

And that’s saying something.

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Gretchen Carlson, former Fox News anchor, on Pammy Jo Bondi’s epic meltdown at being questing by Congress last week:

“To use the Dow reaching 50,000 to cover up for this massive sex ring is despicable. I was so upset that somebody would try to deflect what these women and children have gone through to try and pump up [Cankles] is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen.”

Bondi is a lapdog, a bitch, a puppet, a pawn and a criminal co-conspirator. I cannot wait until they come for her.

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George Orwell, perhaps forewarning the world about Pamela Jo Bondi in his novel 1984:

“She had not a thought in her head that was not a slogan, and there was no imbecility, absolutely none, that she was not capable of swallowing if the Party handed it out to her.”

It’s almost as if Orwell predicted Pamela Jo Bondi.

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Ted Lieu, California Democrat Congressman, showing the hypocrisy if the so-called Attorney General:

“Dear Attorney General Pam Bondi: since you creepily spied on the unredacted Epstein files I read, you know I read this one. Witness calls FBI’s national threats operations center and reports that a girl, who was later found dead, told him that [Candled] and Epstein raped her. When will the Justice Department interview this witness?”

But the Dow!!!!

He’s the greatest president ever!!!

We’re moving on from this!!!

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James Talarico, Democratic candidate for Senator from Texas, on the ICEstapo, Kristi Noem, and better ways to spend our money:

“ICE shot a mom in the face. ICE kidnapped a five-year-old boy. ICE executed Alex Pretti in the street in broad daylight. The agency is out of control. We have to impeach Kristi Noem. We’ve got to haul these masked men before congress so the world can see their faces. I would not vote to give this agency any more money. I would take that money and put it back into our healthcare where it belongs.”

Straight shooting common sense; no wondering what he means: he said it.

The DogKiller and her ICEstapo need to be held accountable.

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Barack Obama, former President of the United States, on Cankles’ racist post:

“They ask me about [his] latest ‘post.’ We could spend the whole day reacting to every buffoonish spectacle coming out of the White House, but that’s exactly what they want: for us to lose focus. Politics used to have a limit of shame. Today, it seems the strategy is simply to exhaust our capacity for astonishment. Don’t be distracted by the noise; watch what they are doing to your rights while you stare at the screen.”

Wise words, of course, because that’s what you get from Obama at every turn.

Turn off your phones and laptops and iPads and stand up and speak up and march up and and don’t get caught up in the deflection and, what is that other thing? Oh yeah … CAST A GODDAMNED VOTE!!

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Bobservations

The other morning I was in our home office and Carlos came in to ask a question:

“I need a word that starts with letter ‘B’ for an acronym we’re trying to create.”

“A ‘B’ word? Any ‘B’ word?”

“Yes—”

“Box, boxer, boxing, butter, biscuit, baker, bowling, ball, basketball, bruise, big, back, backwards, babbling, Babel, basement, baby, babysitter, back, backhand, backache, Bug, Bat, Bus, Bun, Bin, Boon, Bliss, Beard, Bread, Brain, Bugle, Beauty, Brave, Baggage, Budget, boredom—

“STOP!!!”

“Bureaucracy, Ban, Buy, Bear—”

“BOB!!!!”

“Yeah! Bob, and beach and …”

I could have gone on and on but finally I said,

“Believe.”

“Yes. That’s it.

Best be.

This Tuxedo says is from September 2021 …

But by all means, sit by and do nothing and let it happen, or … CAST A GODDAMNED VOTE!

It appears that the massive crowds expected at Melanie: From Whore House to White House never appeared. It its third weekend it suffered a 62% drop in attendance and puts the “film” on a path toward grossing $15.4 million in total, nowhere near the $40 million that Jeff Bezos’ Amazon spent to acquire it and an additional $35 million to promote it.

Amazon MGM swears that Melanie: From Whore House to White House will muster strong numbers on streaming to make up for its poor box office showing but they have no plans for a release date as yet.

Movie-speak for no one will see this.

By now, you’ve all heard about the disappearance of Nancy Guthrie from her home in Arizona. Sad; I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and I hope they find her alive and everything ends well.

But … cases like these infuriate me because all the media hype surrounding the case has made its way into every single news program mostly because Nancy Guthrie is Today show host Savannah Guthrie’s mother.

And because she’s white. It isn’t lost on me, nor should it be on anyone, that when a women of color goers missing, you barely get a blurb on the news before it moves to the back page.

If it’s a trans woman you get almost zero news reporting, and the same goes for missing or murdered  indigenous women.

I wish the media would treat all missing persons stories the same and not continually give precedence to white women and young white girls, while ignoring any and every other woman that is taken.

Anderson Cooper is leaving 60 Minutes after turning down an offer from CBS News—formerly the Columbia Broadcasting System but now called Complete Bull Shit—to renew his contract. Cooper, a longtime Husband-In-My-Head, has been a correspondent with 60 Minutes for nearly two decades and was reportedly on Complete Bull Shit News MAGAt-editor-in-chief Bari Weiss’ short list to anchor the Complete Bull Shit Evening News, but he not only rebuffed Weiss’ attempts to recruit him, but he also walked away from 60 Minutes.

Excellent job, sir.

Orlando is about to take a long-anticipated step at demolishing the former Pulse nightclub to make way for a permanent memorial honoring the 49 people killed there in 2016.

Some signage will be saved and become part of the memorial, and the current shrine along S. Orange Avenue will be partially closed during the work, though a small area will stay open so visitors can still leave flowers and other tributes.

Never forget. 

Kunal Nayyar of “Big Bang Theory” has been quietly paying medical bills for random families in need:

“Money has given me greater freedom and the greatest gift is the ability to give back, to change people’s lives … [but] what I really love to do is go on GoFundMe at night and just pay random families’ medical bills. That’s my masked vigilante thing! So, no, money doesn’t feel like a burden. It feels like a grace from the universe.”

The actor—who played Raj Koothrappali on “Big Bang Theory”—boasts a net worth of $45 million.

Good on him.

This is Hungarian born model Máté Kovács—who apparently also goes by Kovács Máté—but the question is, under either name Would You Hit It?

Architecture Wednesday: The Snyder House

The Snyder House—a Bertrand Goldberg design—is something of a legend in the long history of Shelter Island. Built in 1952 it was recognized as a mid-century marvel, both in design and waterfront location, offering magnificent panoramic water views of West Neck Harbor and Long Island Sound.

In 2002, the current owners undertook rebuilding the home on its original sprawling footprint, maintaining the elements of its mid-century modernist design while sparing no expense to bring this 20th-century masterpiece up to 21st-century living standards of ultimate comfort and high-end quality. The result is a 6,000 square foot one-level oasis perched on three-quarters of an acre, surrounded by water, offering magical sunsets, and jaw-dropping water views that remain as spectacular today as those enjoyed by the Snyder family70 years ago.

The original massive stone fireplace—with 8 flue—and stone floors pay homage to Bertrand Goldberg's vision, providing a dramatic contrast with the interior glass walls, revealing water and nature beyond. There are 6 bedrooms and 4 and 1/2 baths, a cook's kitchen, and numerous seating areas. Outside there is 74-foot-long heated saltwater gunite pool, a private beach, plus something truly rare and unusual: a 235-foot-deep water dock.

Located in the heart of Shelter Island, with easy access to world-class dining and shopping, The Snyder House, is not to be missed … though it was just sold for $14M USD.

I guess I did miss it.

As always, click to emBIGGERate …

Dwell