The Funny Papers

Max Espinoza, Drew Sheneman, Tim Campbell, Lalo Alcaraz, Chappatte Cartoons, Trevor Irvin, Matt Wuerker, Chris Britt, Dave Whamond, Gary Huck, Michael de Adder, Clay Bennett, Bill Bramhall

Why Is It ...

… that when people say, “You look so familiar,” responding with “Were we in prison together” always stops the conversation.

… that you can say “Have a nice day” and it’s no problem, but saying ”Enjoy your next twenty-four hours” sounds vaguely threatening.

… that HR doesn’t understand that when I tell my coworkers I have handmade gifts for each of them, and then gave them the finger, that it comes from my heart.

… that people don’t see that my problem is that I am both mature and childish ... I’m mildish.

… that my boss got angry when he told me to have a good day and I went home.

… that I wish my life had background music so I’d know if I was in a drama, a comedy or a full-blown horror film.

… that my boss doesn’t see that I am not late, I am just running on Boss Time.

… that coworkers don’t realize that when I say “Noted,” what I really mean is “Leave me alone.”

… that y’all need to realize that I am not ignoring you, I have just put myself on Silent Mode for people.

… that I have this constant urge to write “Nobody gives a fuck” on everyone’s social media status.

Shake The Etch-a-Sketch: Our Eleven-and-Twenty-Five Anniversary

Here we are, eleven years legally married and twenty-five years together; my how the time flies … so sit back, and let me tell the tale …

We all do it to an extent; follow a line or path that we set up for ourselves. We plod a course, the straight and narrow some might say, and then walk that line toward a particular destination we've imagined we want. And every so often we twist the knobs on the Etch-a-Sketch of our lives  and a new course is charted, moving in a direction we hadn't thought of before. But it’s a slow curve most of the time, not dangerous and we can still see where we're going and can always go back if we don’t like the destination.

But what about shaking the Etch-a-Sketch? What about saying, screw that line, damn that curve. Let me hold on tight, both hands, and shake things up. See, I was an Etch-a-Sketch person, following the easy line, the one I thought I was meant to follow. I didn't stray too far off the path; who am I kidding, I never strayed off the path. But then it hit me, following the path, that straight line or that gentle curve, and where are you going? Toward another straight line, one more gentle curve? What was that all about?

My first shake was telling my parents I was gay. That was a big shake at the time, although now it seems more of a 'so what.' But I thought it was a big deal because I didn't have a real-life reference point on what it meant to be gay. What were the rules? Was there a uniform? Did I have to pay dues? What was it? See, in my family there were no 'funny uncles' or 'aunts in plaid' that I could see; that I could say, "Hey, I'm like that, so it must be okay." The only gay men I knew were the limp-wristed types on TV shows and in the movies. They wore ascots and paisley jackets, were sarcastic and alone. Terry-Thomas? No, not me. Uncle Arthur, I was not....at least I didn't think so.

So I shook the Etch-a-Sketch and came out and no one died and no one fainted and my family didn't disown me; my parents’ response was, “We love you.” Now, I lost a few friends, but maybe they weren't really friends to begin with if "I'm gay" causes them to disappear. I'm gay … Poof … you’re gone. It's like a homo David Copperfield.

I was out, and yet the Etch-a-Sketch was still giving me straight lines—I’ll save you the horror of joking about me following a 'straight' line because it’s already been done—and gentle curves. But then in 1999—so last century—I decided to give Etch-a-Sketch another nudge and I got a computer. Yes, I was late to the game, again, but I began looking around the Internet and found AOL and the series of chat rooms they had. I found one called Gay Lifestyles, and it was a fun chatty room where you could be gay, where you could step off the line a bit because no one really knew you.

I met Carlos in that chat room. The Etch-a-Sketch bumped a little and we started to online chat; another turn of the knobs and we took to the phones, and then the mail. He was in Miami, I was in California, but then I took a leap and told him I wanted to meet him . He was thrilled and plans were made for me to fly to Miami in July.

JULY? IN MIAMI? Oy! What was I thinking?

I bought plane tickets and readied myself to take a sharp turn. I realize now that my life had been split into Old Bob and New Bob. See, Old Bob would have bought the tickets to Miami, told everyone he was going, and gotten on the plane, but when it made a stop in Houston, Old Bob would get off the plane, find a Motel 6, and spend the week there. Then he'd return home and tell everyone that Carlos was 'okay' and the trip was 'fine.' I'd ignore Carlos' phone calls … I almost invented ghosting y’all … and stay off the computer. I'd go back to following that line.

New Bob didn't do that. New Bob flew to Miami and met Carlos and spent a wonderful week in Florida. New Bob fell in love with Carlos and cried at the airport when he had to go home. New Bob's Etch-a-Sketch was shaking. And it was okay; twists and jogs in the path weren't anything to fear.

A month after I came home, Carlos came to California and met my family. I was so happy to have him there; so happy that my family liked him; my friends, too. But then he was gone, back to his home again and I wondered what would happen next.

It wasn't but a few weeks before I hurled the Etch-a-Sketch across the room and chose to follow the path I chose, not one that was arbitrarily set out for me. Carlos and I made plans for me to move to Miami. I sold a car, some furniture, some knickknacks; I got rid of my apartment and quit my job.

Every once in a while, you gotta Shake the Etch-a-Sketch … or toss it out altogether.

So, where does this all lead? It leads to today, twenty-five years after I stepped off another plane in Florida, though this time I was staying for good. We started our life together, all the good times and the bumpy times, and we are still here.

After six years together we moved to South Carolina, of all places, but made a wonderful family out of our circle of friends who celebrated with us when we chose to get married in October of 2014. Marriage equality was happening, even in South Carolina and since we had longed talked about being married, and having our friends and family, coworkers, strangers, the check-out girl at the Food Lion, the waiter who brought me another cocktail, and the world, or at least our corner of the world, know that we weren’t just a couple, we weren’t close friends, we weren’t partners—though those are all good things—we wanted to be Mister and Mister.

On October 17, 2014—fourteen years to the day that I moved to Miami—we were back across the country in Bellingham, Washington, to be married with my father as a witness.

And pause … y’all know that this year I lost my Dad last year and we celebrated our first anniversary without a Dad card and phone call wishing us more love and happiness. That was a Shake the Etch-a-Sketch moment I hadn’t thought about. I will be thinking of my Dad today, and my mother who loved Carlos the instant she knew I loved him.

So, we’re back …  I seriously never thought I would see the day that I would ... that I could ... marry Carlos,  but we did just that. I remember as a kid—a not-yet-out-but-knowing-I-was-different kid—telling my mother that I would never get married, but I would have a maid to take care of my kids. I remember that story and realize now that might have been my first shot at coming out—as a six-year-old, I think—because, even then, I never thought I could get married, never thought I’d be allowed to get married and create my own version of family and home.

And so we did it, and while it has been lovely, raucous, and fun, and there have been down times and sad times and bad times, but, as Elaine Stritch would say—and god am I gay … Elaine Stritch!—we’re still here.

And looking forward, always forward, and while I didn’t say this myself—Charlotte said it in one of those Sex and the City movies … again, god I’m gay—I like to say that I am happy every single day with Carlos. Not all day, every day, because that’s life, but every single day for the last twenty-five years, for some small or large part of the day, I have realized how happy I am and how happy he makes me, and that I am still crazy in love with him.

And that’s something to celebrate!

Happy Anniversary, baby. I love you, always, ever.

Bobservations

Carlos and I got into a discussion of those faux christians—small c—who are really the problem with religion because they believe they’re job is set others on the straight and narrow, rather than just worrying about themselves and inflicting their beliefs on others.

 Carlos muttered something about ear wax and how they don’t listen and I said:

“Huh?”

“Wax fills their ears and they cannot hear.”

“Where is all this wax coming from?”

“All the candles.”

“So, their lack of understanding comes from ears full of wax because churches have too many candles.”

“Exactly.”

“I’ll pray for you.”

And I did.

This Tuxedo Says is from May 2021:

We have no idea exactly how old Tuxedo is. When we rescued him from an animal hospital Carlos managed in Miami, he was a grown-assed cat, so I’m thinking he was a year or more then. We’ve lived in Camden for almost fifteen years [at the time of this post], and had him for about a year or so before that, so he’s seventeen? Eighteen? Just a guess.

And he’s getting older. He has issues with his kidneys and is on a special diet, which he actually loves; and he’s so smart that he will not even bother with the “other cat’s” food but will wait for his meals. He’s also lost some muscle mass in his back legs and so he is no longer a jumper. That cat that used to jump to a high closet shelf, a bathroom counter, a high bed, now doesn’t jump at all, and when he wants to sit in my lap, he puts his front paws on my knee and I hoist him up.

However, he still loves sitting in a windowsill on a sunny morning, and the sills at Casa Bob y Carlos are about 14 inches off the ground but even that’s too high for him; and, because some vicious person declawed him before we saved him, he has no front claws to help him up. So, again, he’s very smart, he uses his paws to grab the sill and then stretches his legs out so that his, what I would call forearms, are on the sill, and he lifts himself onto the sill, and then naps.

Breaks my heart, but he makes do and is still a loving sweet smart boy.

Goddess I miss that cat …

Diane Keaton was one of my favorite actors and from watching her interviews one of my favorite kinds of people. I loved her style, her hats and her joie de vivre. She passed away last weekend quite suddenly leaving behind two children.

RIP ... and thank you.

We have begun the kitchen remodel and, as you can see from the top photo, that’s the ‘old’ kitchen on the morning of demo.

We have moved the dishes and pots and pans to the dining room, and the food from the cupboards to boxes in the dining room. The coffee maker and expresso machine, as well as the microwave, are in the laundry room. In the morning Carlos makes the rounds from dining room—for oatmeal—to the torn-out kitchen—for milk—to the laundry room—to make the café con leche.

It's a journey but hopefully we’ll be 90% done by sometime next week.

PS That’s the demolished kitchen below along with a photo of the stone we picked out for the countertops.

Kim Kardastrophe who never met a thirst trap she didn’t want to dive into has come up with a new product: her company, Skims, announced that they would be entering the merkin market, launching a line of thongs named ‘The Ultimate Bush.’

The collection of thongs features a variety of hair textures and tones attached to the front and the collection was launched via a campaign video set on a retro 1970s-style game show called ‘Does the Capet Match the Drapes’  with the tagline:

“With our daring new Faux Hair Panty, your carpet can be whatever color you want it to be.”

Like I said, thirsty for attention.

Y’all remember we had the skylights removed in the sunroom. And since we had to have the ceiling replaced, I opted to change the color form the light blue to a more vibrant one and since I was changing that color why not paint over the yellow walls with a more vibrant green.

The new paint choices were taken from the Golden Girls Rattan Chairs we’ve had for eons!

Rosita is confused by the kitchen being empty and the breakfast table in the sunroom and their food dishes in a new spot, too. And so when I came into the living room one morning she was under a chair resting her chin on the stretched bar between the two legs.

She seems spent.

This is Gianluca Vallata. He’s six feet tall. He might be from Istanbul, he might not be. I know nothing about him, but Would You Hit It?

Architecture Wednesday: 19th Century Chapel Loft

At the heart of this former chapel loft in London soaring ceilings nearly twenty feet high frame four elegant arched sash windows, flooding the interior with south-facing natural light. The custom-made kitchen is complemented by custom joinery throughout; there is resin flooring with underfloor heating and exposed brickwork, balancing industrial textures with a refined, polished aesthetic.

A folded iron staircase, acting as a striking architectural feature, leads to the mezzanine level, which overlooks the main living area. This elevated space functions as an additional living area or second bedroom, making it ideal for guests or flexible use. A second floating staircase leads to the principal suite, a calm and light-filled retreat with Scandi-inspired interiors. A frosted window subtly diffuses natural light, creating a tranquil atmosphere, while a floating fireplace offers a cozy, intimate feel, along with the custom cabinetry in white ash. The bathroom continues this thoughtful design approach, combining custom woodwork, a roll-top bath, and a walk-in shower, all designed with a meticulous eye for detail.

Not a huge space, but elegant and refined and rustic and from another era.

As always, click to emBIGGERate ...

Dwell