Why Is It ...

… that, and this is no brag, I don’t need alcohol to send texts I’ll regret later.

…that the reason I look both ways before crossing a One-Way street is because I have so little faith in Humanity.

… that my flag is not red white and blue … it’s white … I give up. Leave me alone.

… that I am still stunned at how much I can get done around the house out of the fear of someone coming over.

… that I always take life with a grain of salt … a slice of lime and a shot of tequila.

… that no one believes I was born irritated. I mean, otherwise, there’s no way that people get on my nerves this much.

… that I feel like I’m in jail when I’m around unfunny people for more than two minutes.

… that  the three stages of growing up are Young and Dumb, Motivated and Hopeful, and Fuck Everyone and Everything.

… that I like my coffee like I like my men … sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away.

… that if you can’t look back at your younger self and realize you were an idiot,you’re probably still an idiot.