Why Is It ...

… that people don’t understand that I am fully aware of how annoying I can be but that’s their problem and not mine.

… that there is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul … especially when it’s over ice with a celery stalk and vodka.

… that I shout “not friendly” when people approach me while out walking and I don’t have a dog; I’m talking about me.

… that when I call in sick to work never ask me what’s wrong; I’m sick of y’all, that’s what.

… that no one realizes that my toxic trait is that you cannot threaten me with screenshots of what I said. I said what I said. Get me a microphone and I’ll say it again.

… that try as I might I cannot find bug repellent that works on people.

… that if you text me and I text right back do not ever assume you can call me because you know my phone is in my hand. I will call the police.

… that I tell people I’m vegan … well, a social vegan … I avoid meet.

… that Carlos still hasn’t learned that when I suggest we play doctor what I mean is that he go sit in another room for an hour while I read.

… that I didn’t know life was gonna be like this? Had I known I would have gotten a job and bought a house in first grade.