The Funny Papers

Dennis Goris, Chris Britt, Daniel Boris, Max Espinoza, Bill Bramhall, Rick McKee, Jeff Stahler, Michael de Adder, Mike Smith, Gary Huck, Pedro X Molina, Nick Anderson, David Horsey, JD Crowe, Benjamin Slyngstad

Why Is It ...

… that no one ever told me rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive

… that people don’t realize the biggest joke on mankind is that computers are now asking us to prove we aren’t robots.

… that while money can’t buy happiness it’s easier to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.

…that people need to know that if they have a problem with me they can always call me, but if you don’t have my number you clearly don’t know me well enough to have a problem

… that Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant but we’re trying for world peace.

… that when a co-worker muttered something about profanity being low class, all I could think to say was, “Apologies, my good bitch, but what seems to be the fuck?”

… that sometimes it blows my mind to realize that I was the most qualified sperm

… that sometimes you have to keep forgiving them while searching for someone to replace them; it’s called elimination by substitution

… that one minute you’re young and the next you have a favorite pharmacy

… that people should learn that self-care isn’t always chocolate and Netflix, sometimes it’s getting out of bed and doing more difficult tasks like summoning a demon to help with the dishes or finding the right number of chickens to appease the thing that lives in the attic

I Didn't Say It ...

Barack Obama, greatest president in my lifetime, living rent free in Cankles addled brain, pointing to the 2015 nuclear deal as evidence that Tehran’s program can be constrained without  military intervention:

“We went about trying to negotiate a diplomatic agreement that would get the enriched uranium out of Iran, that would assure they could not get to a nuclear weapon without us knowing about it … and that there were mechanisms in place to enforce it and verify it. And we pulled it off without firing a missile. My basic theory was that Iran couldn’t become a nuclear state, that the regime itself was murderous, oftentimes towards its own people, engaged in state-sponsored terrorism, was a threat to the United States and allies of ours, so the idea that they would have nuclear weapons would be extraordinarily dangerous. What I also believed was that the regime was not entirely irrational, that they had a survival instinct, and that when you carry out the military force, innocent people die. There’s no dispute that it worked, and we didn’t, we didn’t have to kill a whole bunch of people or shut down the Strait of Hormuz.”

The JCPOA [Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action or Iran Nuclear Deal] remained in effect from January 2016 until Cankles unilaterally withdrew the US from the agreement during his first term in 2018 and then started a war in the hopes of getting the exact same deal in 2026.

Obama did the same deal years earlier and no one died and gas prices didn’t nearly double.

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Terri Sewall, Democrat Representative from Alabama, on the state’s Republican passage of legislation to erase Black voters:

“This is a dark day for the State of Alabama. The Foot Soldiers of the Civil Rights Movement fought, bled, and died to overturn Jim Crow in the South and secure Black representation in government.. Today, Republicans in the Alabama State house passed legislation to erase their legacy and suppress the voices of Black Alabamians. To be clear, the State of Alabama remains under a federal court injunction which prevents the state from redistricting until 2030. The Supreme Court has yet to rule on lifting the injunction, However, Alabama Republicans’ rush to suppress Black representation while the injunction remains demonstrates the dire need for federal protections for minority voters.”

This week in Tennessee, the GOP in the State House removed all Democrats and all Black members of the Congress from their committee positions, and if you don’t think Alabama and Louisiana will follow suit you aren’t paying attention.

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Benjamin Cremer, Wesleyan pastor known for his progressive Christian viewpoints, on the golden statue of Cankles and the faux christians worshipping there:

“Evangelical Christian leaders literally gathering around a gold statue of the president and celebrating it, all while raging against any accusations of idolatry. This is what idol worship looks like.”

It’s a cult, rallying around the golden fatted calf of greed and grift and rape and racism.

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Ryan Clark, NFL player, Super Bowl XLIII champion, and ESPN analyst, on Southern states rushing to redistrict and deny Black people representation in government:

“Look, I’m gonna be real with you—Black college athletes need to stop signing with schools in states that gerrymander districts to block representation.”

A simple boycott; if you don’t think people of color deserve representation in your state government then maybe athletes should boycott the schools in those states.

Hit ‘em in the wallet; it worked for Kimmel.

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Mary Trump, psychologist, author, political commentator and niece of Cankles, on Chinese president Xi not meeting Cankles’ plane when it arrived in China:

“Xi couldn’t be bothered to meet [him] at the airport because he understands as well as [Cankles] does that humiliating your underlings is a great way to keep them in check.”

It shows how very little China thinks of Cankles, that he’s nothing more than a bumbling, decrepit, decaying, addle brained puppet.

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Michael Fanone, law enforcement analyst, author, and retired policeman, on John Fetterman’s flip to the wrong side:

“Simple question that every voter deserves answered: Are you representing Pennsylvania—or auditioning for a new audience? You want to criticize Democratic messaging? Fine. A lot of  Democrats would agree with you. You want to say the party needs to reconnect with working people? You’ll get no argument from me. But you don’t get to do that while you go silent when the President breaks norms, breaks institutions, and breaks trust—then turn around and act like everyone else is being too emotional. You don’t get to lecture people about ‘principles’ while you dodge the one principle that matters in a democracy: accountability. And you sure as hell don’t get to treat your voters like they’re disposable while you flirt with the same political machine that would happily watch this country burn if it meant keeping power. So, if you’re a democrat, John, act like one.”

Snap.

Fetterman is laughing at those who elected him because he thinks Cankles will help him in the future. But everyone knows Cankles is only out for himself, and the Democrats will dispose of Fetterman for good.

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Pete Buttigieg, on his Transportation Secretary predecessor, reality show himbo Sean Duffy and his wife and nine children, taking a road trip at a time when most Americans can’t afford a trip to the grocery store:

“I love a good road trip, but this is brutally out of touch: a [Cankles] Cabinet member making a documentary about himself while regular families can’t afford road trips anymore, because [Cankles] and his war put gas prices through the roof.”

Of note is that Duffy says the entire trip was funded through donations and not government funds, but the donors are big deals in the travel industry who’d like to curry favor with Duffy.

The grift and the tone deafness is stunning.

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James Carville, Democratic strategist and political commentator, on the one thing Cankles is thinking about on his trip to China:

“You’re going to watch a grift and graft over there, like you can’t imagine. That’s all this trip is about, and I got news for you, Mr. and Mrs. Joe Sixpack, or whoever you are out there, he doesn’t give a shit about you, your future, your finances, your retirement, your anything. He just cares about making all the money he can as fast as he can, and people [who] don’t realize that are just, just woefully stupid. He doesn’t care if he, as long as he can go there and make as much money, as fast as he can make it, that’s all what he cares about.”

Remember that before leaving for China, Cankles was asked to what extent “Americans’ financial situations” were motivating him to make a deal with Iran and he replied:

“Not even a little bit. The only thing that matters when I’m talking about Iran—they can’t have a nuclear weapon. I don’t think about Americans’ financial situation.”

He doesn’t care about rising gas prices, food prices, energy prices, healthcare prices, he cares about getting a deal with Iran on nuclear weapons when we ALREADY had that deal in place under President Obama.

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Bobservations

We were doing the grocery shopping and Carlos, who usually stops by customer service to get a Lottery ticket, asked the woman at the counter where they had “chop sticks.” She said she didn’t think they had chopsticks, but maybe he could check the International Foods aisle and he, shocked, asked:

“Why would it be there?”

“As I said, I don’t think we have chopsticks but—”

“No, I need chap sticks … for my lips.”

And there’s the proof that it’s not just me playing Lucy to his Ricky.

On Sunday August 30, 2009, Carlos was working on a presentation on HIV/AIDS for a local high school and just like last week when he helped me  with the laundry, Tuxedo thought he’d help his other Daddy ... by laying on the presentation.

I could be wrong but last night when I ordered a pickup service this is what they sent me. I believe it’s called Uber Cakes.

This week on 60 Minutes Louisiana’s MAGAt governor Jeff Landry tried to claim that because he grew up in a town that had a majority Black population, he has lived the same experiences as Black Louisianans.

The ignorance of that statement is on another level and explains why the people of Louisiana are trying to recall him and have him removed from office.

A tourist who was filmed throwing a large rock at an endangered seal as it swam off the Lahaina shoreline boasted that he didn’t care about the consequences because he’s “rich.”

Police officers were called and obtained a description of the moron and found a 37-year-old adult man-child who matched the description of the suspect. He was detained, identified and advised of his legal rights, though he declined to make a statement and invoked his legal rights to an attorney.

I say put the “rich” fuck in the water and throw rocks at his head.

The South Carolina House of Representatives passed a bill this week to allow ivermectin, AKA horse-paste, to be sold to people without a prescription.

Seriously, it’s not the heat it’s the stupidity.

Once again Cankles snapped at a female reporter who questioned the cost of the Jeffrey Epstein Memorial Ballroom™ and the demented doddering rapist racist became irate and said:

“I doubled the size of it you dumb person!”

Earlier this week he told a female reporter from ABC that she was an idiot, and after leaving an impromptu press conference he pointed into the crowd of reporters and muttered:

“She’s a bitch.”

Here’s the deal journalists, when you let this sexual predator talk to anyone like that and say nothing, you are complicit. I would just like to see one of you stand up for the women he denigrates on a regular basis.

It’s disgusting how y’all just stand there.

I just got done dogging South Carolina and now this comes along.

Apparently the South Carolina State Senate failed to advance the GOP redistricting efforts to carve up the state's existing congressional district map. So, how did that happen?

Five Republicans ,,, yes, you read that right ... voted against the effort despite pressure from Cankles who was urging South Carolina to play the racist card like Tennessee and Louisiana. The five Republicans who said 'No' and stood up to the demented bully are Shane Massey, Sean Bennett, Chip Campsen, Tom Davis, and Greg Hembree.

Good on them, though the fight is not quite over. I hope they continue to stand their ground.

Fares Ben M’barka is a model who holds both Tunisian and French nationalities but is based in Paris but other than all I know is he’s a strapping hunk at 6’3” tall. Knowing that, Would You Hit It?

Architecture Wednesday: Villa Castelluccio

This Puglian Villa was completely renovated in 2021, stripped back to its essentials and recrafting the low-slung pared-back spaces in natural materials. After a period as a holiday retreat, Villa Castelluccio is back on the market offering up peace and solitude amid five acres of olive groves outside Ceglie Messapica in Puglia.

The three-bedroom bungalow still exhibits the pared-back warmth with soft tones, thick walls, local handiwork and thoughtful proportions where steady streams of light enter the home through a series of openings. At the center is a living room that leads directly into an open kitchen, where concrete countertops and sinks made by local artisans are paired with brass fittings and simple joinery. The kitchen and connected dining room form the house’s gathering point. There are two very large  bedrooms in the main building , each with an en suite bathroom, while the third bedroom studio sits a few meters away with its own shower room and secluded terrace.

More terraces extend from the house under timber pergolas, creating outdoor rooms for cooking, dining and lingering during the hotter months. A partially enclosed pool area sits deeper in the olive grove, edged by drought-tolerant gardens.

The villa is within easy reach of Ostuni, Martina Franca and both coasts, and can be yours for a hair more than $1.7M USD.

The Spaces