Oscarvations

Well another year and another Oscarvations. And while I haven’t seen a lot of the films, I’ve seen some, and I am mostly here for the spectacle and drama and surprise and humor … and the Hot Men so let’s dig in …

My first thought was Conan O’Brien, seriously? I mean, he’s funny enough, but there’s no edge; he mostly Dad jokes and some self-deprecating humor. Now, that isn’t to say he didn’t get some good ones in and those I will share throughout this post like …

“F1 did so well they’re thinking of doing a sequel called Caps Lock.”

But let’s start with the montage. Every host since the Days of Crystal, Billy Crystal, thinks they should do an opening montage where they insert themselves into the nominated films. You can’t; you’re not Crystal. And I will say Conan’s was about the worst … he had himself made up to look like Amy Madigan’s character in Weapons and I don’t think I was the only one who didn’t know that. Then he ran around all the Oscar films being chased by children until he was chased through the theater and then magically appeared onstage. Too much time, zero payoff, though he managed to get two good lines in, saying to his makeup artist:

“I think you used too much white.”

“Nope, that’s just you.”

“But I look like Bette Davis with Lupus.”

And then onstage he did a whole “thing” about him winning an Oscar, with The Pope blessing him and him blessing the Pope, and a hawk delivering his Oscar while Josh Groban sang. It could have been cut and we would have shaved 5 minutes off the show.

“I’m the last human host of the Academy Awards.”

Luckily, Zoe Saldaña appeared to present the SUPPORTING ACTRESS to Amy Madigan for Weapons … she was  last nominated 40 years ago for Twice in a Lifetime and was overjoyed to win again. She thanked her husband of forty-three years, Ed Harris, extra HOT MAN for being 75-years-old … just sayin’.

Will Arnett and Channing present the Animated film awards and all I can think is ‘What happened to Channing’  … sweaty and bald … what happened? The BEST ANIMATED FEATURE goes to KPop Demon Hunters while the BEST ANIMATED SHORT goes to The Girl Who Cried Pearls

“Last year when I hosted Los Angeles was on fire. This year everything’s great!”

Then came a live version of the juke joint scene from Sinners, which I loved that was followed by scenes from Marty Supreme AKA The Ping Pong Movie and the appearance in the orchestra pit of The Timothy Chalamet Bum Drum. I kind of wish they had really paddled that smug little actor instead of the fake butt.

“Sinners director Ryan Coogler says he declined becoming a voting member of the Academy because he doesn’t like judging his peers. But the rest of you pricks are fine with that.”

Anne Hathaway … speaking of smug appears with Anna Wintour in a riff on The Devil Wears Prada II … coming soon to a theater near you … to present BEST COSTUME DESIGN … Anne asks Anna what she thinks of her look and Anna says, “The nominees are …” … snap … and the Oscar goes to Frankenstein  designer Kate Hawley who begged the question, why do some costume designers walk on stage in what looks like a wrinkled black sheet over a wrinkled white sheet? I don’t get it, but anyway … when Anne and Anna present BEST HAIR AND MAKEUP Anne asks Anna to read the nominees and Wintour says, “Thank you Emily.”—Hathaway’s character in Prada and I don’t think Anna was acting .. to Frankenstein … Mike Hill, Jordan Samuel, and Cliona Furey.

Next up is the ‘New’ Oscar category for ACHIEVEMENT IN CASTING and HOT MAN Paul Mescal appears with GOOP … didn’t she promise us she’d given up acting … and Chase Infiniti and HOT MAN Wagner Moura and Delroy Lindo present the Oscar to Cassandra Kulukundis for One Battle After Another

Conan appears with a leaf blower …. Why … and then introduces Matt Barry, the announcer for the show, who is doing his job from London … again why?

“Security is tight. I’m told there are threats from both the opera and ballet communities.”

Kamail Nanjiani presents BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM but first goes on a riff … “Many full-length movies would work just as well if not better as short films …instead of It’s a Wonderful Life how about It’s a Wonderful Month … West Side Anecdote … The King’s Tweet … Some of That Jazz …call Me By Your Nickname …No County for Old Man … One Battle … that’s it, you get one … Schindler’s Post-It”

He opens the envelope and … “It’s a tie. I’m not joking … so every calm down” … the first film is The Singers and Sam A. David [left] … and how hot is this kid and why is he making movies and not starring in them … and Jack Piat. The second winner is Two People Exchanging Saliva and Alexandre Singh and Natalie Musteata …

“I was in a  movie with Rose Byrne. It’s hard to act in a scene with someone you have an enormous crush on but did an admirable job.”

Kieran Culkin presents BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR … to Sean Penn for One Battle After Another … Penn is a no show …  and Delroy Lindo looked none to be pleased at Penn’s win.

Conan does a bit about making movies that continually have to remind the viewer what the film is about because our attention spans have disappeared. 

He and HOT MAN Sterling K. Brown offer an updated version of Casablanca which takes place during WWII … “the one with Hitler.” Sterling was the best part of that bit.

Robert Downey Jr and HOT MAN Chris Evans present BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY … Paul Thomas Anderson One Battle After Another … who gives a lovely speech about family … he’s married to Maya Rudolph … 

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY to Ryan Coogler for Sinners and the crowd goes wild … who also gives a lovely speech about his cast and his family, wife and children with a long camera shot on HOT MAN Michael B. Jordan.

“An alternate Oscars is being hosted by Kid Rock. It’s just down the street at Dave and Buster’s”

In Memoriam … Billy Crystal talks of Rob Reiner … This is Spinal Tap, The Sure Thing, Stand By Me, The Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally … and then Misery and A Few Good Men and how Rob and Michelle became the driving force for marriage equality in America … “Buddy, what fun we had storming the castle.”

During the In Memoriam Rachel McAdams paid a touching tribute to the late Diane Keaton with whom she co-starred in The Family Stone, honoring her as a "legend with no end" and "a woman who wore so many hats." Literally. And then Barbra Streisand talked about the late Robert Redford then sang a snippet of The Way We Were

Conan then offers up the Academy’s plan to reach younger viewers:

When you’re hosting the Oscars and lokenuinely trying to rizz up the young demographic by going brain-rot modem and even though you’re uncoded with a bunch of famepilled NPCS you’re still S-Tier level aura farming. Six-Seven.

“Yes, that’s a message young people will see watching broadcast television.”

And old people like me will see and say, What the ….

Sigourney Weaver and HOT MAN Pedro Pascal … Sigourney talks aliens and the downright adorable Grogu AKA Baby Yoda, sitting in the audience with Kate Hudson; Sigourney shrieks her famous line from Alien:

“Get away from him you bitch.”

And presents the Oscar for ACHIEVEMENT IN PRODUCTION DESIGN to Frankenstein’s Tamara Deverell and Shane Vieau and then ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS to Avatar: Fire & Ice … Joe Letteri, Richard Baneham, Eric Saindon & Daniel Barrett

Now Jimmy Kimmel appears:

“Conan went outside and inadvertently exposed his face to the sun and was incinerated so I will be finishing out the rest of the program.”

Would that it was true because he goes one …

“You know there are some countries whose leaders don’t support free speech though I am not at liberty to say which. Let’s just leave it at North Korea and CBS. Fortunately for us there is an international community of filmmakers  dedicated to telling the truth, oftentimes at great risk. There are films that teach us, that call out injustice, inspire us to take action, and there are also documentaries where you walk around the White House trying on shoes.”

He presents the Oscar for BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT to All the Empty Rooms’ Joshua Seftel & Conall Jones and then presents BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE … “Oh man is he gonna be mad his wife wasn’t nominated” … to Mr. Nobody Against Putin’s David Borenstein, Pavel Talankin, Helle Faber & Alžběta Karásková. Borenstein makes the night when he says:

“Mr. Nobody Against Putin is about how you lose your country and what we saw when working with this footage is that you lose it through countless small … acts of complicity. We act complicit when the government murders people on the streets of our major cities when we don’t say anything, When oligarchs take over the media and control how we can produce it and consume it. We all face a moral dilemma but luckily even a nobody is more powerful than you think.”

I needed a bit more of that. And Kimmel.

“Fun fact, Brad Pitt and I are the same age. I was told this by my wife with tears streaming down her face.”

Maya Rudolph, Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Rose Byrne and Ellie Kemper celebrate the 15^th anniversary of Bridesmaids and each read notes from members of the audience  … Rose Byrne’s is from Leonardo DiCaprio asking her to stop looking at him because it makes him nervous and Rose admits to starting because she  thought he was someone else … snap …and then present BEST SCORE to Sinners’ Ludwig Goransson, quite the hottie and then ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND to F1 and Gareth John, Al Nelson, Gwendolyn Yates Whittle, Gary Rizzo & Juan Peralta.

“Hamnet and Bugonia sound like off-brand lunchmeat.”

The President of the Academy speaks … pee break … and then Bill Pullman and Lewis Pullman present ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING to One Battle After Another and Andy Jurgensen.

Demi Moore presents ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAPHY to SINNERS Autumn Durald Arkapaw … and the crowd goes wild … she’s the first woman to ever win this award. She asks all the women to stand up because “I don’t get here without you.”

Benicio del Toro and Priyanka Chopra Jonas present BEST INTERNATIONAL FEATURE FILM to Sentimental Value  Norway which was also nominated for Best Picture?

Lionel Richie—was Barry Manilow not available—presents BEST ORIGINAL SONG to “Golden” from KPop Demon Hunters ... a song that makes me want to drive my car off the road when  I hear it.

Zendaya and HOT MAN Robert Pattinson, looking sleek and British and bored present ACHIEVEMENT IN DIRECTING to Paul Thomas Anderson One Battle After Another

Adrian Brody, last year’s Best Actor presents LEAD ACTOR to HOTTEST MAN Michael B. Jordan for  Sinners …and again the crowd goes wild …  and wild … 

“Mama what’s up? … I stand here because of the people who came before me … Sidney Poitier, Denzel Washington, Halle Berry, Jamie Foxx, Forest Whitaker … thank you everybody in this room that had something to do with my success.”

Mikey Madison, last year's Best Actress presents LEAD ACTRESS to Jessie Buckley for Hamnet whom I could listen to for hours with her lovely Irish accent  … 

“Thank you to the incredible women that I stand beside, I am inspired by your art and your heart and I wanna work with every single one of you and to my parents for teaching us to dream and carve from your own passion. It’s Mother’s Day in the UK today and I dedicate this to the beautiful chaos of a mother’s heart.”

Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman give us a little Moulin Rouge duet and then present BEST PITCURE to One Battle After Another Adam Somner, Sara Murphy & Paul Thomas Anderson. But what was up with Teyana Taylor who grabbed Paul Thomas Anderson all the way to the stage and then grabbed one grab one of the Oscars for herself and held onto it like she won? Where was the person who actually won that award?

So, there you have it., good bits, bad bits, funny, bits and a lot of HOT MEN like ...

What did you think?