Saturday, December 31, 2016

It's Snarkurday!

Oh it looks like Rob Kardastrophe and his baby Mama, Blac Chyna, have broken up ... again.

Well, they at least TV broke up.

Rob says Blac Chyna left him … and took Baby Kream, er, Dream, too. Rob, naturally because he’s from Family Famewhore, showed videos of empty rooms in his house that once held all the furniture for Kream, er, Dream and for Chyna’s son, King, whose Baby Daddy is Rob’s half-sister’s piece Tyga ... ick.

The odd thing though is that, in the videos, where all the rooms are empty—even Rob’s cookies were taken—there is not one shred of evidence that there had ever been furniture in the rooms; no carpet dents; no drag marks. Just perfectly vacuumed rooms, which means that both Rob and Chyna are liars like the rest of that Klan, or Rob decided to tidy up the entire house before posting the videos online.

I’m going with liars.
Also on the Kardastrophe front, it smells a lot like d-i-v-o-r-c-e in the Kardastrophe-West household lately.

And it isn’t just because Kanye went nuts and had to be hospitalized or just because Kim’s a famewhore who saw that her brother’s drama was overshadowing hers and so she opted for TV drama too.

A source—That Woman, AKA The CryptKeeper—says there was divorce talk before Kanye’s epic meltdown due to the stress Kim felt after the Paris robbery which has, mercifully, kept her off the internet and away from cameras for a few months now. But, the source also says Kim would never divorce Kaye in the middle of his madness so maybe, just maybe, they’ll wait for a Sweeps month when the news will garner bigger ratings.

That makes sense, but ... and ain’t there always a but?

Rumors are swirling, as rumors do, that Kim insisted that Kanye stay away from That Woman’s Christmas party. In fact, Kim showed up alone wearing all her basic accessories except for her wedding ring! Egads! And then, later that night, Kanye showed up to the party despite Kim’s ALLEGED demands that he stay away.

Yikes! The couple is ALLEGEDLY seeking the help of counselors for their own individual issues—Kim’s fear of robbers and Kanye’s lunacy—but aren’t going to therapy together.

Again ... sweeps month and a very special episode of KUWTK.
There’s a story of Rihanna’s “discovery” in Barbados years back; some say Jay-Z “discovered” her and others say producer and songwriter Evan Rogers “discovered” her a year later and she then sent her “Pon de Replay” demo to various labels and once Jay-Z heard it, he signed her to Def Jam.

But is there another story and do you care? I don’t but I’m’a tell you anyway.

Some say that before Rogers saw Rihanna, British composer Andrew Lloyd Webber took a vacation in Barbados, and he heard her sing and thought about “bringing her back” to the UK to make her a star but he and his creative partner, Nigel Wright, decided not to follow their impulses:
“I said to Nigel, ‘If we bring her back, you know it’s like when you see a picture when you’re away and you take it home and you think, why did I buy that?’ I thought: we’ll get her back, it’ll be fine, but then what do we do with her?”
Wow. Isn’t he just the creepiest thing, acting like Rihanna is a picture that looked good on the cabana wall but really shouldn’t be in the castle.

ALW is just such a pig. Oh, and possibly a lying pig since he’s only began telling this story now and not when Rihanna first hit it big.
LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian! Those two wacky adulterers!

Eddie finally got an acting job—on TVs Rosewood—co-starring with Morris Chestnut ... yum ... and Jaina Lee Ortiz, a hot Latina with a husband. And since LeAnn knows all about stealing husbands and Eddie’s a serial adulterer, she’s not too happy about Jaina ...

Sources claim Rimes is on a tear because she’s worried Eddie might find Jaina just too much; and it isn’t helping that Jaina gushes about Eddie:
“He’s amazing! He’s Cuban and adds so much of that spice and flavor… he’s so damn fine! Don’t tell my husband I said that, but he knows anyway.”
Now, Jaina may be having fun, but, you know, LeAnn, who wouldn’t be married to Eddie if she hadn’t cheated on her husband with him, and he cheated on his wife with her, years back while they worked together, isn’t happy. And Jaina does seem to fuel the fire, like posting a picture to Instagram of her and her castmates—and Eddie—partying at her 30th birthday in LA, while LeAnn was away in Alabama.

So, it seems LeAnn has gone even crazier ... like telling an interviewer that she loves “skipping” and carries a jump rope with her everywhere. Crazy, I know, but it came just two days after Jaina had posted a photo of herself working out with a jump rope.

And, when Eddie began working with Jaina, LeAnn posted a shot of herself with Max, the dog on Rosewood, just hours after Jaina had done the same thing.

Then in December, when Jaina and Eddie posted a cat-faced Snapchat picture of themselves, LeAnn did the same thing again.

Karma.Krazy.LeAnn.
So ... Mariah Carey. One of her greatest achievements was when she was asked a question about JLo and uttered the classic line:
“I don’t know her.”
It’s the perfect diss. Try it; when someone asks you about someone you may not particularly care for, say, “I don’t know her/him.” It’s delicious and simply evil. And Mariah knows this because she continues to use it.

While appearing on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, he made her play a game called Does She Know Her. Mariah was asked if she “knows” various pop princesses and she gave some funny answers ... well, funny for Mariah:

On Lady Gaga: “She came to my show, she was very sweet…and we had a nice conversation. We’ve met, we’ve had a conversation in my dressing room, it was very sweet.”

On Ariana Grande: Mariah says she doesn’t know her, but when it was pointed out that Ariana is a pint-sized Mariah, she said:

“I don’t know when early in the career was…I don’t know…honestly I’m really not familiar, I listen to hip-hop more than I listen to pop music.”

Word salad tossed.

On Taylor Swift: “Very nice girl. Met her once, she was really sweet. She came up to me…yeah.”

Madonna: “Uh, never had a conversation with her.”

Katy Perry: “Nice girl, she came to my show as well.”

Miley Cyrus: “I think we met in a bathroom…I don’t know.”

When Andy Cohen pointed out that they performed at a Divas concert once, Mariah responded, “I performed on that show a lot of times, with Aretha Franklin, Diana Ross. How am I supposed to remember everybody else?”

Ouch.

On Demi Lovato, who called Mariah a Mean Girl: “I don’t know her either, and so I wouldn’t say anything to her. She should come up, introduce herself to me, say here’s my opinion, ‘What do you think about it?’ That’s how you handle sh-t, OK?”

So, this is Mariah: if you come to her show she knows you and she loves you and you’re sweet.

If you don’t she doesn’t know you.
It looks like The Biebs is in trouble with the law again.

Back in 2013, Justin Bieber was performing in Argentina and ALLEGEDLY ordered one of bodyguards) to beat up a paparazzo outside a club.  The police wanted to question him, but Bieber and his bodyguard fled the country. In November 2014, a judge ordered Bieber back to Buenos Aires for questioning, but he never showed because ... well ... spoiled toddler.

In April 2015, the judge issued a warrant  forced Bieber to cancel the Argentina leg of his Purpose tour because ... well, spoiled toddler. The warrant was later canceled but Argentina isn’t done with Justin; they have charged him with a crime of ordering the beating of a photographer and stealing the man’s money and camera.

His lawyers are planning to appeal the indictment, because they think that an appeals judge court with some sense will throw it out because ... wait for it ... Justin Bieber can save Argentina’s economy:
“The judge is screwing his own country because Justin could infuse a huge amount of money into the economy.”
Still, Justin won’t dip a toe in Argentina because if he does ... chain gang.
We all thought that after dumping Casper Smart and then kissing ex-husband Marc Anthony onstage—after which Marc announced he was divorcing wife #3—that JLo and Marc would be back together, but Marc is too old for JLo and not as hip and hot and able to help her career and image. So she’s hooked her ass to Drake—like Casper, young enough to be her son—and Rihanna’s ALLEGED piece.

RiRi and Drake just ended their long, drawn-out-we-aren’t- talking-so-maybe-it’s-real-maybe-it’s-not love affair and he is already banging Casper’s ex-mommy.

To be fair, Drake and Rihanna broke off their “whatever” last fall and he appeared to move on to perpetual dater Taylor Swift, but then he got wind that JLo was looking for a bump to her career and he went sniffing after her.

The spin is that Drake and JLo are said to be collaborating on a song right now, but collaboration, in JLo’s world, is not the same as what it means in the real world.

I mean, she collaborated Casper for a long time before she decided to collaborate Drake.

Friday, December 30, 2016

I Didn't Say It .... Carrie Fisher Said It

I adored Carrie Fisher; not so much the Star Wars Carrie Fisher, but the writer Carrie Fisher, the humorist Carrie Fisher, the mentally ill Carrie Fisher. I liked the way she could take what life dealt her and have a laugh at it, while still showing us that her issues were serious issues. She did so much for mental health in this country just by talking about it and joking about it.

I read Wishful Drinking and quoted it for days; we saw Wishful Drinking and laughed and laughed;  I recorded it on HBO and am so happy I saved it so I can always have a Carrie moment when I need one ... so here's some Carrie Fisher ...

... on her appearance
"They always do [ask me to lose weight]. They want to hire part of me, not all of me. They want to hire about three-fourths, so I have to get rid of the fourth somehow. The fourth can't be with me."

... on having her body compared to Elton John's
"Blow my big bovine tiny dancer cock."

... on Hollywood expectations
"Even in space there's a double standard for women."

... on aging
"I'm not happy about being older, except what are the options?"

... on her place in history
"I am Princess Leia, no matter what. If I were trying to get a good table, I wouldn't say I wrote Postcards [From the Edge, her best-selling novel]. Or, if I'm trying to get someone to take my check and I don't have ID, I wouldn't say: "Have you seen When Harry Met Sally?" Princess Leia will be on my tombstone."

... on her place in the Twitterverse
"Please stop debating about whether or not I aged well. Unfortunately, it hurts all three of my feelings. My body hasn't aged as well as I have. Blow us."

... on relationships
"Everyone drives somebody crazy. I just have a bigger car."

... on her natural demeanor
"I act like someone in a bomb shelter trying to raise everyone's spirits."

... on her sanity
"I feel I'm very sane about how crazy I am."

... on what kept her sane
"I don't think I was ever suicidal, and that's probably because of drugs."

... on keeping sane
"If my life wasn't funny it would just be true, and that is unacceptable."

...on suffering mental illness
"The world of manic depression is a world of bad judgment calls." 

...on finding happiness
"Sometimes you can only find Heaven by slowly backing away from Hell."

...on patience 
"Instant gratification takes too long."

... on wisdom
"I basically consider myself street smart, unfortunately that street is Rodeo Drive."

...on the best and worst parts of success
"The best part is money, traveling and the people you meet. The worst part is, again, money, travel and the people you meet."

... on her Hollywood families
"Who's more famous than Debbie [Reynolds] and Eddie [Fisher]? C-3PO and Darth Vader."

...on having famous parents 
"I am truly a product of Hollywood in-breeding. When two celebrities mate, someone like me is the result." 

... on how her father, Eddie Fisher, helped Elizabeth Taylor after her husband's death
"He first dried her eyes with his handkerchief, then he consoled her with flowers, and he ultimately consoled her with his penis. This made marriage to my mother awkward."

... on her father's autobiography
"I'm thinking of having my DNA fumigated."

... on religion
"You know how they say that religion is the opiate of the masses? Well, I took masses of opiates religiously."

... on her aspirations
"I am hoping to get the centerfold in Psychology Today."

...on bottling up feelings
"Resentment is like drinking a poison and waiting for the other person to die."

...on death
"No. I fear dying. Anything with pain associated with it, I don't like. I've been there for a couple of people when they were dying; it didn't look like fun. But if I was gonna do it, I'd want someone like me around. And I will be there!"

Rest in Peace, Carrie, you’ve earned it. And thanks so much for the laughs and the tears and the insights.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Random Musings

This picture breaks my heart ... little Carrie Fisher waiting backstage while her mother, Debbie Reynolds, took her curtain call ... how art kinda becomes life, and death.

I am stunned at the loss of Carrie Fisher. I have adored her for years, though not, as many have, from the Star Wars films. I was in awe of her wit and wisdom, her writings, her words; the way she faced down adversity with a quip and a smile; the way she took on mental illness with a vengeance and had us laughing about it.

I will miss her; I will miss the woman, who, during a question-and-answer period at a recent event, was asked what she would do with “the force” if she had it, and replied:
“I’d stop Donald _____.”
And then, just as the hurt over Carrie’s loss we learned about her mother, Debbie Reynolds’ passing. Carrie’s brother, Debbie’s son, Todd, said one of the last things Debbie said was that she wanted to be with Carrie.

Kathy Seldon, Singing In The Rain; Molly Brown in The Unsinkable Molly Brown; Tammy in Tammy and the Bachelor; and so many more ... but I’ll remember her as the feisty, funny, fabulous Bobbi Adler, Grace’s mother, on Will and Grace. Gosh, she had me smiling and then laughing out loud from that show.

So sad that they are both gone, though never forgotten.

RIP Carrie and Debbie.
John Tereska’s family are rabid _____ supporters, so John knew the perfect gifts to hand out on Christmas Day.

He gave them all gift boxes and when the boxes were opened the family discovered that John had donated, in their names, to groups like Planned Parenthood, the Human Rights Commission, the Southern Poverty Law Center, and the Sierra Club.

But he made a special donation in the name of his brother ... a donation, in his brother’s name, to the Democratic National Committee.

Revenge is a dish best served cold ... or as a Christmas present.
Carlos and I have been watching Good Behavior on TNT mostly because it stars Michelle Dockery as a drug-addled, bail-jumping, scam artist and petty thief, Letty Raines. And, yeah, this is the same Michelle Dockery that played the prim and proper, bitch in a kitten heel, Lady Mary on Downton Abbey, so it’s fun.

And it doesn’t hurt that it also stars Juan Diego Botto as Javier, Letty’s love interest. That’s him on the left; he’s been here before but he’s always welcome.

This week, however, the show introduced Todd Williams, on the right, as Sean, Letty’s Baby Daddy, a former meth-head, porn producer who says he’s now a changed man.

I see no reason to change ... he’s hot.
British TV presenter Richard Hammond, who co-hosts the automotive series The Grand Tour with Jeremy Clarkson, is making headlines for remarks he made on the show suggesting that if you eat ice cream, you’re gay, and not really a man.

Yup; the remarks came as Clarkson showed off the interior of a Rolls-Royce and said: “The only problem is that in one of those, you couldn’t enjoy a chocolate Magnum ice-cream.”

Hammond said: “It’s all right, I don’t eat ice-cream. It’s something to do with being straight.”

Clarkson was taken aback that the audience applauded Hammond’s remarks: “Are you saying everyone who likes ice cream is….?”

And so Hammond said: “Ice cream is a bit, you know…but a grown man eating an ice cream, you know, it’s a bit….it’s that way rather than that way.”

“You’re saying all children are homosexual?” responded Clarkson.

Seriously. Ice cream is gay? I’ve heard it all. Oh, and Richard Hammond is a homophobic asshat who, and I'll go low here, looks a little like someone who'd love to lick a Mr. Softee.
So, over the Christmas holiday the Republican National Committee’s seasonal message was released and, in it, they seemed to imply that Donald _____ is ... wait for it ... the Second Coming of Jesus Christ:
“Merry Christmas to all! Over two millennia ago, a new hope was born into the world, a Savior who would offer the promise of salvation to all mankind. Just as the three wise men did on that night, this Christmas heralds a time to celebrate the good news of a new King. We hope Americans celebrating Christmas today will enjoy a day of festivities and a renewed closeness with family and friends.”
This Christmas celebrates the good news of a new King? Yup, the RNC seemingly says _____ is just like Jesus except ....

They didn’t mean that at all, at least according to RNC spokestool Sean Spicer, who Tweeted—cuz that’s all these morons do—that the reference to “a new King” was not a reference to _____:
“Christ is the King. He was born today so we could be saved. Its (sic) sad & disappointing you are politicizing such a holy day.”
Except ... you said “new” King.

Donald _____ is the least Christ-like person on the planet. In fact, he’d be, in my mind and possibly the minds of the majority of this country considering less than 50% of us voted for him, the complete opposite of Christ ... whatever that is the ... the .... the ... oh yeah, the anti-Christ.

Just sayin’.
Remember when Pamela Ramsay Taylor, the director of Clay County Development Corp [CCDC], a West Virginian non-profit, called Michelle Obama “an ape in heels” and was fired from her job? See post HERE.

Well, guess what? On December 23, Pamela Racist Taylor was quietly reinstated once the firestorm over her racism dissipated and what the CCDC called a “month of quiet reflection and re-education.”

The CCDC kept Pamela Racist Taylor’s reinstatement quiet to avoid distraction ... or to keep people from realizing the powers that be at the CCDC might be as asshatted and racist as Pam, but when the Charleston Gazette-Mail learned the news, the story was out and people took to the CCDC Facebook page to protest.

Luckily, at least one person in charge at the CCDC recognized that Pamela Racist Taylor is a racist, was a racist, and will always be a racist, and so when West Virginia reviewed their contracts with the non-profit, it was decided that Pamela Racist Taylor would be fired ... again ... and for good this time.

Bye Felicia.
Well well well ... La Big Gay Scandal?

It seems someone went on Snapchat and kinda declared themselves to be actor Michael B Jordan’s gay lover ...


And that sent Jordan into a tizzy ...
 “I usually don’t comment creep but, you know, sh*t, today I got time. So look, whoever’s angry, bitter, upset for whatever reason, grow the f**k up ‘cause karma’s real. And I usually take the high road. I usually don’t say sh*t, I just let it roll ‘cause people are going to be people. Everybody got they opinion. That’s what the Internet’s for. They going to say whatever….On second thought, why am I even giving energy to that s**t on this day. Y’all my fans. Y’all don’t need to hear me ranting about some BS. So enjoy your family, enjoy your blessings, enjoy the people you hold close and cherish that. I think that’s more important than some comment.”
Um, Michael, as a gay man let me say, first of all, thanks for that top photo cuz, you know, scorching.

But, and this is where I get pissed, when actors are called gay, or implied to be gay, and they get all pissy it does one of two things to me: it makes me think you are gay—and I couldn’t care less, really—and it also pisses me off because when you get angry about the rumor that you might be gay, it perpetuates the myth that being gay is a bad thing.

It’s not; and so I’d think about that next time you wanna get pissy cuz some “anonymous” dude called you gay.

But, if you are ... again, thanks for that top photo.

Hell, thanks for the top photo anyway.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Architecture Wednesday: A'Tolan House

Now that Christmas is over, I felt like unwrapping something warm ... like A’tolan House.

A’tolan is a word from the indigenous people along the east coast of Taiwan and it means “a place with many rocks.” It could also mean “piling of rocks”, “building wall with rocks”, or “a house made out of rocks.”

Anyway you mean it, it’s A’tolan house.

The house sits on the eastern seaboard of Taiwan in a sliver of a plot of land with some 200 feet of beachfront property. The idea behind the house was to use the traditional native architectural technique of A’tolan with rocks excavated from the site being used to build the east-west walls that rise up three levels, similar to rice patty terraces. The first, or top, level is the driveway and entrance; the second level is the main living areas, with the bottom level being the gardens and the pool.

The house keeps a low profile along the contour of the coastline, following the bending of the shoreline and opening itself to the sea. The steel frame is clad with native rocks and the roof over the middle level is a living roof with various herbs. A wide stone stairway descends from that ‘plateau’ to the open-air foyer of the main house.

Since the home is surrounded by Mother Nature the architects chose a noninvasive design approach to satisfy only the basic needs for shelter and food preparation needs. Hence, the interior consists only of cooking areas and sleeping quarters with the spaces defined by accordion glass doors.

There is a covered shower and an outdoor bathtub just outside the sleeping areas; an al fresco dining room with a long table sits beside the foyer, and the multi-purpose area in front of the home can be a yoga platform or a star-gazing theater.

It’s old things, and natural things, and new ideas and freedom ... it’s peaceful.

So ... This Happened

As you may recall, during Hurricane Matthew last fall, one of our neighbor’s trees, a rather large tree, came down, landing in our backyard and taking with it about three of our trees and a thirty foot section of fence.

Our neighbors, who we’ve met briefly—they keep to themselves—actually came over during the storm to tell us about the tree and to make sure that we knew that they’d take care of the mess ... as they should, I thought. I also thought they came over because perhaps they assumed the two homos who lived next door might be pissy queens who would be furious about the damage.

We were not those queens.

In fact, we started some cleanup of the tree the very next day after the storm passed and the neighbors—Scott and Emily—then came over to remind us that they’d take care of; we just said we wanted to get rid of what we could without a chain since, as I explained, “We are not chainsaw people.”

So, Scott and his father, who has a small Bobcat, cleared away all of the downed trees, roots and all, in one day, and as soon as the ground began to dry, they repaired the fence between our two yards. It was very nice of them, to be sure, but it was what should have happened in a civilized world. And during the cleanup Emily asked if we could exchange phone numbers because the only neighbors they know are Carlos and me, and this way, if anything ever happened, we could get in touch with one another. I found it strange that they hadn’t met a single neighbor in the two years they lived here but, that’s just me.

Once the work was done, Carlos suggested we invite them over for cocktails and appetizers to thank them for the work. Being the cynic, I said we didn’t need to thank them for doing the right thing, but, yeah, we could have them over to maybe get to know them better.

Cue Julia Roberts’ quote in the boutique on Rodeo Drive in Pretty Woman ... big mistake, huge.

We settled on the Saturday before Thanksgiving and called Emily to ask if they were available, and we got the Oh I don’t know I think we have something to do let me check and I'll get back to you run on sentence. I told Carlos I thought they might not be keen on going to Homo House and Emily couldn’t think fast enough on her feet to come up with an excuse.

Still, we didn’t hear from them until five days later, on Friday night, when she called to say they’d love to come the next day. Well, Carlos explained that since we hadn’t heard from them the whole week, we’d made other plans and suggested we do it December 3rd.

It was settled. Now, as a couple of queers, we don’t just tear open a bag of Doritos and set out a six-pack of Bud Light for guests; we planned a menu, made sure we had beer and wine and booze, and then planned the food, everything from my Aunt Norma’s Fabulous Salsa to homemade Hummus, to baby pizzas and bruschetta and little desserts ... like I said, queers do it up right.

On December 3rd, we prepared all the food and cleaned the house and set everything up. Carlos said they were coming at 3PM but when that time arrived we had no guests; we waited. I asked Carlos if he’d said 3 o’clock or 4 o’clock and he wondered, too. So, we waited until 4PM and 4:15 and 4:30. Finally Carlos called and got Emily on her cell phone.

They weren’t coming because .... ahem ....
Emily had a migraine all week long and this was her first day to get out of the house.
Her children were at church.
Her father-in-law—we invited him, too, because of his help—was sick.
Her husband was out of town.
And the kicker ...
We hadn’t called to remind them.
So, apparently, the phone invitation isn't good enough, and the fact that, one day, when we saw Scott in the yard and invited them again, wasn't good enough, we should have called to remind them. But I digress ...

Now, as I said to Carlos, and I’m not exactly proud of this but it’s a fact: I am a fabulous liar. See, I know that Rule #1 of Liar Club is ... never talk about Liar Club ... I kid. Rule #1 is: Keep the lie simple. One lie, not five different lies any one of which, well, except that last one, would have worked.

So, there Carlos and I were, with drinks—oh, and I made Wassail!—and food and no guests. And there Carlos was, suggesting to Emily that we do something after the first of the year. Once he hung up I said to him ...
"We’re not getting together with them. If they want to do something let them suggest it and plan it. .... And then i might have a migraine!"
And that was that; we have not heard one peep from them since that day. No walking over to apologize for the “mix up;” not even a note left on the door. No Christmas card to plan a new date, nothing. So, as every single housewife on ever real single housewife show has said to her enemy at least once:
“We’re done.”
Cut to this past weekend, and we had gone down to Around-The-Way-Gays, David and Neal’s house for some drinks and such. We met a friend of theirs, John, a fellow homosexual, and a group of us were chatting and the story of the tree and the fence came up. As we told it, and recounted how Scott and Emily had come over during the storm to tell us about the tree and promised to fix it all, someone said ...
“They probably did that because they know The Gays are meticulous about their yards.”
And then we finished with the No Show and this quiet friend of David and Neal’s said ..
“I guess they also didn’t know that The Gays are just as meticulous about good manners.”
And a laugh was had by all.

That’s it ... carry on. 

Oh, except that, once the fence was done, Carlos and I bought some small fir trees that will grow rather large to shield our view into Scott and Emily's backyard; see, the thing we like best about our house is that you don't see into the neighbor's yards so it feels very private. But, after this kerfuffle, Carlos looked at the small firs and said:
"We should'a splurged on the large ones."
Now, carry on ...