Thursday, January 29, 2009
Weathermen Are Dumb
Weathermen are stupid.
Al Roker anyone?
Our weather men here in the Smallville area are particularly dumb. One of them looks like a character from an old Flintstones cartoon, all teeth and blond hair; remember when the Flintstones had the movie stars on, but they gave them all rock-like names? I'll call this weatherman Stoney Curtis.
See, Stoney isn't really concerned about the weather for today; he's more interested in telling about the weather ahead. And by ahead, well, I'll give an example.
The week of Thanksgiving, he rushed over the forecast and went immediately into Christmas. Yes, not a day ahead, or week to ten days ahead. A full month ahead of time. He was fully confident that on Christmas day it was going to be bitterly cold, because we were due for a cold spell after this mild weather we'd been experiencing.
Stoney? You're an idiot. You can't predict the weather a month ahead! And saying it's going to be cold in South Carolina in December is like saying you're a big ol' homo. Can't prove it, but we all know it's true.
Which brings me to Brooks Garner--his real name, seriously. In Flintstones-speak he'd be Brooks Granite; it works like that. Well, Brooks is telling us that "snowy weather early next week" is a possibility. He writes on his blog--dear Jeebus does everyone have a blog--of a computer model that shows a Gulf storm system mixed with low temperatures; to illustrate his point he throws 'weatherspeak' at us: “firmly entrenched cold air,” “snow weather scenario” and “significant ... accumulations.”
Now, Brooksy, as I call him, cuz he looks like a cute little homo; a lot like the youngest brother on Eight Is Enough, the one with the bowl haircut. You remember, the one with the future drug problems? Well, in all fairness, Brooksy does go on to tell us how difficult it is to predict the weather more than a few days out--he should pass on that nugget of wisdom to Stoney Curtis.
Then he says we have a one-percent chance that this coming snow storm could produce effects similar to the Blizzard Of Seventy-Three-Three-Three...nice echo effect, Brooksy! Back then, South Carolina was hit with a couple of feet of snow. Last week, the dusting of snow in Columbia shut down all the schools and all the businesses. I imagine that 24-inches would have the entire state picking up and moving south, or, um, south-er?
So, Brooksy says we have a 1-percent chance of a Seventy-three-peat, but we have a 30% chance of "wintry impacts."
I'm still trying to figure out what a wintry impact is; then Brooksy goes on to say the weather patterns he's seeing now "remind" him of the Blizzard Of Seventy-Three-Three-Three.
The problem there? Young Master Brooks wasn't even born yet.
Later in the day Little Brooksy's blog was edited with a few more modifiers and qualifiers about the impending storm.
Weather men are stupid.