Thursday, January 29, 2009

Weathermen Are Dumb


Weathermen are stupid.

Al Roker anyone?

Our weather men here in the Smallville area are particularly dumb. One of them looks like a character from an old Flintstones cartoon, all teeth and blond hair; remember when the Flintstones had the movie stars on, but they gave them all rock-like names? I'll call this weatherman Stoney Curtis.

See, Stoney isn't really concerned about the weather for today; he's more interested in telling about the weather ahead. And by ahead, well, I'll give an example.

The week of Thanksgiving, he rushed over the forecast and went immediately into Christmas. Yes, not a day ahead, or week to ten days ahead. A full month ahead of time. He was fully confident that on Christmas day it was going to be bitterly cold, because we were due for a cold spell after this mild weather we'd been experiencing.

Stoney? You're an idiot. You can't predict the weather a month ahead! And saying it's going to be cold in South Carolina in December is like saying you're a big ol' homo. Can't prove it, but we all know it's true.



Which brings me to Brooks Garner--his real name, seriously. In Flintstones-speak he'd be Brooks Granite; it works like that. Well, Brooks is telling us that "snowy weather early next week" is a possibility. He writes on his blog--dear Jeebus does everyone have a blog--of a computer model that shows a Gulf storm system mixed with low temperatures; to illustrate his point he throws 'weatherspeak' at us: “firmly entrenched cold air,” “snow weather scenario” and “significant ... accumulations.”


Now, Brooksy, as I call him, cuz he looks like a cute little homo; a lot like the youngest brother on Eight Is Enough, the one with the bowl haircut. You remember, the one with the future drug problems? Well, in all fairness, Brooksy does go on to tell us how difficult it is to predict the weather more than a few days out--he should pass on that nugget of wisdom to Stoney Curtis.


Then he says we have a one-percent chance that this coming snow storm could produce effects similar to the Blizzard Of Seventy-Three-Three-Three...nice echo effect, Brooksy! Back then, South Carolina was hit with a couple of feet of snow. Last week, the dusting of snow in Columbia shut down all the schools and all the businesses. I imagine that 24-inches would have the entire state picking up and moving south, or, um, south-er?

So, Brooksy says we have a 1-percent chance of a Seventy-three-peat, but we have a 30% chance of "wintry impacts."

I'm still trying to figure out what a wintry impact is; then Brooksy goes on to say the weather patterns he's seeing now "remind" him of the Blizzard Of Seventy-Three-Three-Three.
The problem there? Young Master Brooks wasn't even born yet.

Later in the day Little Brooksy's blog was edited with a few more modifiers and qualifiers about the impending storm.

Weather men are stupid.

Full circle.

18 comments:

Ultra Dave said...

I should have their job. You can be wrong and remain employed. But they are entertaining!

Bob said...

Now see there, Dave, you're looking on the bright side of this.
In this economy I should be happy that morons have jobs. ;)

Dan said...

I have said it time and time again, I want to be a weatherman. The only job where you can mess up everyday and not get fired.

Beth said...

I'm sorry but you just gotta love a man with the name of Stoney!!! Bina's brother is named Rocky....ahhh, gotta love it.

Joy said...

Fun post! I enjoyed it - especially now that I can get online after dusk!

Bob said...

Welcome back, Joy!

You've been missed.

Berry Blog said...

Right near me the old reliable is still published annually and is remarkiably accurate The Farmer's Almanac. It's frankly quite amazing.
Our weathermen up here are far more useful. the weather in New 'England is so fickle that whatever they predict is likely to happen over the next 24 hours- too hot too cold, sun, rain, snow....windy, calm, high tides and low...etc. They are mostly used as sidekick commentators to the straight news people.

Anonymous said...

Sorry boys, Brooks ain't gay. He's got a blonde girlfriend (I met them) of many years who looks like a freakin' supermodel. (Why do the TV guys get all the hotties?) I can see how gay people would love some Brooksy though ... haha

Anonymous said...

Brooks and his girlfriend of many years broke up.

Anonymous said...

How do you know he broke up with his girlfriend? Does that mean he's SINGLE?!??!?

Anonymous said...

That was what I was told.

Larry said...

Aw, shucks, lay off Brooks. It IS hard to predict the weather in South Carolina. That bit of wisdom has been passed on to us for many, many years by many, many meteorologists. If nothing else, at least Brooks is great eye candy on WIS. I kind of like his dedication to his fans (he has a great many, you know). As for whether or not Brooksey is straight or gay..who knows? Not me, unfortunately.

I'm glad to finally (re)locate your blog. I had lost the link when I bought a new computer. Sweetie, you have a great attitide for a Sandlapper. I'm once again a dedicated reader, sweetie.

Anonymous said...

Brooks is our awsome weatherman...no one needs to make fun of him. I hope he is single..he is HOT!

Anonymous said...

Woo Hoo!

Anonymous said...

I always thought Brooks was gay, but he married his blonde "supermodel" Stepford wife and they even have a baby. He's working in Florida now. He's a Republican and a Christian. No kidding. I bet he's definitely gay.

Anonymous said...

Brooks has moved to Texas and may be divorced now.

Anonymous said...

Y'all are too much. I'm not sure why it's important to define Brooks by his sexuality or marital status. It's weird to me to judge anyone (especially someone I don't personally know) on any bases other than their core likeability and professional skills. Whether it's a politician, actor or TV news personality. Last check on google, he lives in Houston and has a kid... The gays will dream he's gay and the girls will dream he's single. Just my 2 cents.

Anonymous said...

"Y'all" --- hmmm... Girls aren't dreaming he's single. He's a fraud. He's currently dating Erica Harness the brunette version of his ex-wife (who is arguably much more beautiful). He actually was already dating her while sill married. Or as the rest of us see it, she was his next "cover."